Showing posts with label Ho Sh*t. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ho Sh*t. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Who Would You Rather: New Hot Mugshot Guy Or The Local News T.I. Aficionado

It's been a total sausage fest for the last 24 hours, man. No, not at my house. The only sausage fest around here would be me literally just eating actual sausage in a festive manner. And it's more of a bacon fest at my house.

I'm talking about dudes taking the internets by storm with kooky antics and/or hotness, depending on your view. So this guy-o-rama clearly lends itself to the question -- WHO WOULD YOU RATHER? Let's take a look at the dazzling contestants.

pic via santa cruz police department
First up, the most recent gentleman (???) to be dubbed 'Hot Mugshot Guy'. (Yes, I just linked to a Yahoo! News article. I like to kick it old school.) This smize expert was arrested in Santa Cruz on Halloween for:

"...attacking a person dressed as a Fox News reporter.  The suspect attacked the victim telling him he “hates Fox News”.  The suspect grabbed the victim’s microphone and placed down the front of his pants and proceeded to rub the microphone on his crotch.  The suspect then attacked the victim with an aluminum tennis racquet.  The victim was not injured and reported the incident to police.  The suspect fled as officers approached, but was eventually ran down and caught by pursuing officers." 

I'm a little torn on this one. This guy is a clearly a total sexpot in the ol' face department, but that flesh-colored t-shirt is doing him zero favors. Also, why are you assaulting someone dressed in a costume of something that you don't like? Has he been asleep for several years, à la Rip van Winkle, and didn't know it was Halloween? Where did he get a tennis racket? Was he dressed as Anna Kournikova? The non-timeliness of that costume actually supports my Rip van Winkle story. Also, maybe don't assault people. Also, the victim in this case should sell the crotch-rubbed microphone on eBay. I'm sure some people would buy that shit.

Next up in this man-on-man competition is this local TV news guy annoying the shit out of his co-host with his T.I.-themed voguing.

I love this dude for his impromptu use of props and Clark Kent hair. He loses points for lack of edginess in my book, but there were zero assaults happening, so there's that. Except for homie being cut via eyeballs from his co-anchor.

So who would you guys rather? I'm slightly leaning toward Mug on this one, mostly because those eyes and cheekbones really speak to my bathing suit area. Thoughts?

P.S. Alex from Target is not in this contest because I'm not trying to catch some charges.

video via reddit

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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Quick Sh*t: Alexander Skarsgard Gets Sexy On a Snow Toilet

via instagram
Sexy ass Skarsgard is in the North Pole, and he's fake pooping on a toilet. I don't know the what/why's about this picture, and I really don't give an eff. Let's just enjoy this moment.

Wait. He's on a toilet, is this even hot? I'm going to go with yes, yes, it is.

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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Forgets What Year It Is; Still Trying To Make The Music Thing Happen

WARNING: P uses her baby voice to breathe the f-word (and Lil' Wayne's must-need-the-money's ass says it a couple times, too) in this joint, just in case you're watching this in court or something.

Wait. Am I on a spaceship that is forcing me to relive circa 2003? If so, let my ass off, you alien dicks, because I can't live through that sh*t again. You know what else I can't handle? A mothereffing resurgence of Paris Hilton in pop culture and/or music. PP Face and I are the same age, so her ass should know -- WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS BULLSH*T, HOMIE.

This whole thing looks and sounds exactly like something from a Real Housewife. She and Luann de Lesseps must have gone halfsies on an autotuner and she has current custody. P.S. When your autotune is still out-of-tune, hang up your bedazzled monokini, sister.

But you know who I'm really pissed at? Lil' Wayne. Sir, you should f*cking know better than to encourage this mess. Are there tough times in the Wayne abode? Are you being forced into extreme couponing situations? I would rather you pick up some extra shifts at a mall flat iron kiosk than work on a Paris Hilton song, pal. I expected more from you, Lil'.

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Now, go to your damn room.

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Monday, October 7, 2013

6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.
via (obvs)
You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.

 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.
I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.
Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.

#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.
NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.

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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Hot B's Look Hot.

Hey mofos, sorry I've been sh*ttier than reg lately, but I've been busy and crap. I know, I know. Having a job and stuff is such a c-block for sh*t talking. While I've been gone, people have been looking real, real foiiine.

via brit brit's twitter
Look at my homegirl, looking all good for her new music video. DON'T YOU DARE SAY OTHERWISE, BECAUSE I LOVE HER ASS FOREVER EVER.

I haven't seen Mila Kunis in what feel like forever (except tragically wearing jean capri pants and sneakers), but don't worry,she's still hot.

via huffpo
 I know, shocking. What a b.

Also looking annoyingly hot is ol' Scarlett Johansson.

via huffpo
B*tch is straight glowing, maybe because she just got engaged and she's getting that straight good good.

Or she has a good skin care regimen. I don't don't her life like that.

via daily mail
And finally, in the old(er) school male model category, Tyson Beckford was traipsing around topless as hell in NYC the other day. My ass does not mind. DUDE IS 42, YOU GUYS. Work that sh*t.

Stay tuned tomorrow, because I have a super serious Bieber issue that all of our eyeballs need to deal with.

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Monday, June 3, 2013

Adrienne Maloof Dons Her Best Freakum Onesie

Hey guys, remember that time that Real Housewives of Beverly Hill's Adrienne Maloof was 51 years old? Probably. Okay, then remember when SHE forgot?

Holy effin' kitten mittens, that's a lot of errrything happening in one tiiiny piece o' cloth. Lettuce take a wee bit closer look.

Well that was a huge mistake.


Now, let me be clear. I'm not just being a Judgy McBFace because I'm a terrible prude. I've had my own major days o' ho dress, myself.

This way my standard (obviously) garb for my late teens/early twenties. BUT, there' a time to leave that Bebe peek-a-boo/sheer/high-waisted/hot pantsed/koala bear face (it's my new name for extreme camel toe) inducing romper on the clearance rack, Maloof. AND THAT TIME IS NOW.

Hold for applause....

Good day.

AM pics via celebitchy

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