Showing posts with label Reality TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reality TV. Show all posts

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Tori Spelling Might Not Know Where Babies Come From

I have to keep it honest. I haven't seen True Tori because I've heard that it's fakety fake fake and, more importantly, IT'S NOT MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER. Or even anything remotely related to Donna Martin (or even Ray Pruit), so why bother?

Upon watching the trailer for the upcoming season of True Tori, I have discovered that there are so many issues with this show, which we are to believe is a damn slice of life from the Spelling/whatever-dude's-name-is home.

Namely, we are supposed to believe that Tori has never seen a picture of the (probably faux) mistress person? And it's been, like, a year? Pshaw, lady. Pshaw to that. You would have googled that mofo in 2.3 seconds. You would have probably set up a google alert in her name.

I'll take TS on the Maury show and lie-detect her ass to prove that that shit's not true. Not to mention, even if we're to believe that complete and utter nonsense, we are also to accept that you're walking around with 8x10 glossies of homegirl in a manila envelope? Unopened? Just one more pshaw over that, because it needs it. PSHAW.

But let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this pot pie of ridiculousness. TORI REVEALS THAT SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT.

Okay, so you don't even know? Are finances so dire that boo boo can't buy an EPT test? I'll send a check for $6, if that's the case. Or start a kickstarter. Or maybe steal a deluxe ribbon from one of Candy Spelling's gift-wrapping rooms and sell it on eBay.

Also, is it unclear how one becomes pregnant? Because she has four kids, so I would think one might have figured that shit out by now. Maybe get to googling that, too.

Bottom line, I can't deal with this hot mess express of a purported reality show. Someone just watch it and tell me what happens. And maybe let me know how fake it is on a scale of Big Foot (not fake) to Lindsay Lohan's head hairs (fake).

Instead, I think I'll watch the world's worst pseudo fall on repeat.

How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold her close to where you are?

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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Try Not To Throw Out Your Back From Laughing News: Farrah Abraham Is Stripping, But Only For Research

pic via farrah's instagram
I know that you have probably writing in your diary every night, just pondering on what Farrah Abraham has been up to lately. Especially since the news broke that Teen Mom, OG edition is coming back to MTV, sans the Abe. Well, here's the short answer -- she's now working at an Austin strip club called Palazio Gentlemen's Club. (People of Austin, go to there and report back. Actually, don't. I think we all know what's doing in that bitch.) But you can quit side-eyeing her in your rude ass head, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY FOR TOP SECRET RESEARCH, YOU D-HOLES. She told E! News:

"A friend of mine works there and I'm researching. I've been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman's club, including cocktailing and dancing. There's management and there's cooking too. It's job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that's what I'm doing. It's how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I'm not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I'm interested in hearing all the women's stories. And while I'm doing it, I'm getting paid. I'm getting paid to play a role and get informed."

So, not only is she stripper-shadowing, she'll be cooking chicken fingers with gourmet dipping sauces (I'm only assuming) up in the club? Let me know when that nevergoingtohappenthing happens. I'll be holding my damn breath. Is anyone CPR certified?

Homie, you can seriously quit playing game with our hearts, because we don't believe all of that silly effery. Breaking news, Fare Bear: no one gives a shit if you want to be a STRIPPER stripper. It's fine. Live your damn life and do what you want. Except making music. Please never, ever do THAT again.

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

One of my favorite things to do on this planet is drankin' wine and watching garbage TV. Because I'm a trash box that will never quite fill up. So I did a little ditty for Allure this week called, "The 9 Most Fabulous Beauty Moments in Reality Show History, Re-Created." I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Check it out here, if you wish, Buttercup.

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Monday, March 17, 2014

Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham Has A New Music Video Called "Blowin," And It's About Breezes, Or Something, YOU SICK EFFS.

I'm going to be honest. I have zero friggin' clues what this song is even about. I can really only make out the following things: cele-bruh-dee, friend requestin', stars, and getting air. Wait, is this a fan fiction about White Men Can't Jump? P.S. You can't name your song "Blowin" if you've done porn stuffs. It's an unwritten rule in humanity.

I love when this low-rent shit says, "Official Video," like Meryl Streep made an unofficial video, and Farrah doesn't want anyone to be confused. Also, why is your child in this video? The rest of it is drinking with alleged "fans" and writhing about next to a barn prison door, so I don't really see a need to bring children of the world into this mess. But let's not forget the best part:

Dancing in her twitter avatar box thingy! Homegirl, you are not Alice from The Brady Bunch.

I've had about enough.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Lindsay Lohan's ALLEGED Done Did It List Of Famous Dudes (With Bonus Speculations)

via in touch
With the premiere of Lilo's new reality show, creatively named Lindsay (which everyone should watch, by the way, it's beyond interesting), the tabloids are hot on her a-hole, breaking new stories of homegirl's sordid life. In Touch is leading the trash pack with a story about Lindsay writing out her "personal conquest list" of famous dingalings. Yay!

Before we delve into this list, let me say this: I'm taking this story with a million grains of salt. This deal was supposedly written over a year ago, and now a "friend" has turned this treasure over to the rags. There are really only a couple of options of how this played out, if it is indeed real. Either sweet cheek's friends are total dicks, or LL's people released this list for publicity for her show, hoping more schmoes might watch in hopes of her mentioning a tidbit about what Adam Levine's ween is like. I hope it's the latter.

There are some totally expected hoes on this list like Wilmer Valderamma, Colin Farrell, James Franco, and Adam Levine. Those dudes are kind of the Sausage o' the Month seeming types, so I'm not impressed. But Heath Ledger? I can't. Justin Timberlake? I hope it was during his ramen-esque hair era. Zac Efron? Hrmsmdfjl. (You can interpret that for however you choose. You're probably right.) I forgot Lukas Haas existed, so good for him. Evan Peters? That seems...odd. I refuse to even acknowledge Jaime Dornan, because my brain won't allow that to happen. He's crazy hot, and I won't let him be tarnished in my loins/heart. But, holdup. JOAQUIN PHOENIX??? That's some weird effery. I actually want to see that happen. On a scientific level. With microscopes and shit. As for the rest of the mens up on this list:

Here's the most interesting thing about this sexcapade catalog: WHAT THE CRAP NAMES ARE BELOW THE BLURS? I NEED TO KNOW! Don't worry, I have some theories.

Wilford Brimley


Sorry, Fivel, that's super inappropriate.

They did it old timey style, whatever that means.
Count Chocula

Same. He a freak.
A Very Pleased With Himself Clay Aiken

Because they're redheads, or something.
A Dinosaur Pool Float

No explanation needed. This guy's really hot.
This Guy


Do you guys think that this list is the truth or a GD lie? Let's hash this mess out.

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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I Can't Wait For This Sh*t/I'm Worried About This Sh*t: The Lindsay Lohan Reality Show Trailer Is Here!

I'm so torn (thanks, Natalie Imbruglia) on this Oprah-funded Lilo reality show, you guys. On one hand, I can't effing wait to see this mess. On the other hand, this is a terrible idea for this human person. On a third, fake hand, I wish Linds would scale back on the hair extensions. It's like she's wearing a ginger Lady Godiva Halloween wig. There are so many emotions boiling around in my head, it's like a witch's cauldron of crazy up in here.

Like, I genuinely want this girl to get her actual sh*t together, but she's so wrapped up in being "Lindsay Lohan," and going to clubs, saying people stole from her, and just being generally dramatic and acting like it's still 2007, that I don't know if she will let herself. It's friggin' sad, man.

With all that said, I'm still watching this effery. How do you guys feel about this? Will you be watching? I need to know how Tina Fey feels about this.

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Wednesday, December 18, 2013


A little rundown of this gem of a trailer -- Jenelle is obviously still going to be my hate-vorite this season. If you can stare into that crazy roots/Tiffany choker/eyebrow situation and NOT feel love, then I'm sorry for you. Plus, her boyfriend has highlights and wears leather cuffs! Please let him be in a Daughtry cover band. Not to mention, Babs is back, mofos! Babs saying, "I didn't paht the needuhl in huh ahm," while wearing a dalmatian-esque slinky top should be my life's new ringtone.

And chunky highlights girl might be getting a divorce from the new Affliction-shirted hubsand! Sacre bleu.

Oh, and those other two boring turkey sandwiches with a side of sour cream and onion chips are there, too.  I hate that I love you, Teen Mom 2.

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Monday, September 2, 2013

And In "Holy F*ck, I Feel Old" News, Spencer Pratt JUST TURNED 30.

via buzzfeed
YOU GUYS, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT SPENCER IS JUST NOW 30 YEARS OLD? HOOOOWWWW? I feel like The Hills was on MTV roughly 2 trillion years ago. Is time somehow going by really and and really effing slow at the same time? Is this an episode of Quantum Leap???

Oh, by the by, Spencer, just because you're now 30 doesn't mean you have to stock up on shirts from the Men's Warehouse Two and a Half Men collection. You're thirty, not disgusting.

 Oh, yeah...
via mrhankey
We're still not that into you.

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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Brandi Glanville Does What We All Feel Like Doing, and Gets Crunk and Semi-Naked.

I kind of love Brandi from RHOBH, you guys. She always seems like she has zero effs to give, and she does sh*t like getting her swerve on on a Monday night. Like, b*tch got like boobs and ass hanging out drunk on the first day of the work week.

I'm not really sure how this dress was supposed to operate, but I don't think that this is it. Sh*t, if I had legs like homegirl, I would straight walk around like this always.

Turn it all the way up, boo. I blame Tamra.

Brandi pics via TMZ


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Monday, June 3, 2013

Adrienne Maloof Dons Her Best Freakum Onesie

Hey guys, remember that time that Real Housewives of Beverly Hill's Adrienne Maloof was 51 years old? Probably. Okay, then remember when SHE forgot?

Holy effin' kitten mittens, that's a lot of errrything happening in one tiiiny piece o' cloth. Lettuce take a wee bit closer look.

Well that was a huge mistake.


Now, let me be clear. I'm not just being a Judgy McBFace because I'm a terrible prude. I've had my own major days o' ho dress, myself.

This way my standard (obviously) garb for my late teens/early twenties. BUT, there' a time to leave that Bebe peek-a-boo/sheer/high-waisted/hot pantsed/koala bear face (it's my new name for extreme camel toe) inducing romper on the clearance rack, Maloof. AND THAT TIME IS NOW.

Hold for applause....

Good day.

AM pics via celebitchy

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Thursday, April 25, 2013

In What Is Hardly Timely or Even Really News News: Tanning Mom Wants to Do Porn Stuff

You guys remember Tanning Mom, right?

Yeah, this hot POA that was j'accused of sending her little baby ginger child (that kind of looks like the girl from Jurassic Park) into a tanning bed. Now, I know what you're thinking when you see this picture -- "Damn, I'd love to see that b getting down in porn." No? Not thinking that? Neither is anyone else.

TMZ got their hands on an email that Tanning Mom (f'real name, Patricia Krentcil) send to the head of Vivid Entertainment, after the whole TEEN Mom -- holy eff, this is confusing -- Farrah Abraham porn thing came to light. This is the email, via TMZ:

"I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom.  Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness."

Krentcil, oblivious to shame, goes on:  "I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah!"  And there's more ... "Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper."

But sex -- and Krentcil -- do not come cheap.  She makes it clear to the Vivid honcho, "Contact me back if you're ready to talk serious cash and rock the world."

Sadly (AKA The friggin' entire world thanks you, man), Vivid turned her down. But that didn't stop ol' Patty from posing for such lovely photos as these on her own damn time. (Pics via Huffington Post.)

This entire story is just a big ass bag o' wrong. LADY, YOU GAINED NOTORIETY AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF DOING SOMETHING SH*TTY TO YOUR KID. It's time to go back to your "normal" life, whatever that may be. Stop trying to be famous. Stop trying to ride this faux wave of faux fame. There is NOTHING WRONG with working at CVS, or a bank, or a medical office, or whatever the hell it is that you used to do. STOP THIS ISH.
Same thing goes to all of the other reality show people that keep trying to stay relevant. Please, learn a trade of some sort. Go to ITT Tech. I don't give an eff. Just stop trying to make a life from doing nothing. And read more books.

I'm back, b's.

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Sunday, March 3, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Human/Werewolf Guy

This is apparently from some show on Syfy that I really should be watching, because this sh*t is straight comedy. The dude in the Tommy Bahama shirt is supposed to be "transforming" into a werewolf right before our very eyes. Sir, please. That mess is lame as eff. You are doing a hulk impression, pawing the ground, and letting out a half-assed howl. No. But the best part is after he's back to being a totally reg human and he's all, "Oh, damn. What time is it? Werewolf time flies when you're having fun. I've got a haircut in ten minutes."

Imma need a LOT more wine if you want me to start getting on this nonsense train. No.

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Monday, January 7, 2013

This Is Why I Can Never Have Kids

Have you guys heard about how Farrah from OG Teen Mom (RIP) tried to wax her three year old kid's unibrow? Yes? No? Not familiar? Just go read this blog of hers first so we're all on the same damn page. First off, I would be remiss if I didn't say that homegirl should not be writing things. She's using emoticons within sentences. I'm no effin' MLA style writing handbook, but that sh*t doesn't fly with me. But, here's the part where I have to give b a break. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T WAX A KID'S EYEBROWS. I mean, I don't think it sounds like a GOOD idea, but it doesn't really seem like a BAD, bad idea. Then again, I know that on the terrible human scale, I am a strong 8.5 out of ten. I am not delusional.

It seems like it's a little Toddlers and Tiaras to literally wax of a toddler's body hair, but it doesn't seem like the worst thing a person could do. I mean, have you seen some unibrows? They can be quite tragic. I've seen a perfectly beautiful man completely leveled to a below average type deal by some effed up eyebrows.

Wearing a fur hat over your fur brows isn't helping, Noel Gallagher.
See what I mean? Tragic. While it's probably best that you wait until a kid is a teenager, or something, to start ripping hairs from their bodies, let's cut this girl some slack. We wouldn't want to make her cry. Will you look at that cry face? Let's avoid that whole thing.

via realitytvgifs
I don't blame you, HBB. This ish is rough.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone in the World's (But Honey Boo Boo's) Christmas Card

via buzzfeed
This is HBB's family Christmas card. Every other family in the universe needs to cancel their appointment at the Sears Portrait Studio, because that ish is a wrap. You can't compete with all of this, so best not even try. Even the baby is like, "Is this really my life?" Not one person in this family has control over their posing. What are these faces, family?!? Why is Pumpkin (I think. Or is that one Chubbs? The one in the back.) turned completely to the side like she doing her own damn glamour shot in a camo hoodie? And the front two sisters CANNOT work their angles anything like HBB. I really do think that Honey Boo Boo and I are totally in synch with each other. I don't know what that weird Shrek hair deal is happening on her head, but I would have LOVED that ish when I was a kid...Or now, whatever. Shine on. Do you.

via realitytvgifs

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)
- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)
- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)
- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)
- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!

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Friday, February 17, 2012


Shall I call you Mr. DumDum? Your name is awesome. Thank you for coming on Judge Mathis and sharing it with us all.

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Reason #1987384 That You Hate Me

I effin' love Mob Wives. If you don't watch this hottest of a hot mess, you are so missing out. This Funny or Die video is pretty damn spot on. Especially Renee.

My favorite style icon from Mob Wives is hands down Big Ang. I'm seriously in love with this woman. She and I are kindred spirits. Leopard? Dark hair? Those lips?

Are you guys watching this ish? Let's talk about it.

P.S. Yes, that second Big Ang portrait tattoo is mine. Get off my jock.

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Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.

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Friday, January 6, 2012

I Don't Know Jack Ish About Kids...

But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be giving them 'mystery juice' of any kind. Isn't that what Michael Jackson ALLEGEDLY gave kids back in the day? Ummm...Yeah, no.

P.S. I'm totally changing my name to Alana. Because that girl is the truth.

P.P.S. My new catchphrase is now, "Give me a dollar, make me holla honey boo boo child."

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Snooki Is Officially Way Thinner Than Me.

B weighs 98 pounds now. Where do I go from here in my life?

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