Showing posts with label A-holes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A-holes. Show all posts

Monday, September 15, 2014

Just In Case Your Monday Sucked, Here's A Sleeping, Quacking Cat

I think I might need a cat, man. I've always been in the camp of "kittens are cute as shit, cats are kind of whatever," but cats are seeming pretty baller lately.

Take this little fluff muffin. Homie straight up HATES coughing, and doesn't care who knows it. I don't blame this cat. There's nothing worse than some rude bitch trying to ruin your sleep business with noise, when all you're trying to do is lie with a pair of balls. RUDE.

If that wasn't enough to wipe the Monday out of your brain, here's a cat with a mustache.


If that STILL didn't help, go eat some cheese or something. Cheese helps 90% of problems.

Especially night cheese. Do you.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Colonic

If you've ever wanted to see be with a tube up my b-hole, today is your lucky day. For this Outrageous Beauty video, you can actually watch me get a colonic. Ever wondered what that whole deal feels like? Here's your answer.

You can check out more Allure Insider videos here.

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Monday, September 2, 2013

And In "Holy F*ck, I Feel Old" News, Spencer Pratt JUST TURNED 30.

via buzzfeed
YOU GUYS, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT SPENCER IS JUST NOW 30 YEARS OLD? HOOOOWWWW? I feel like The Hills was on MTV roughly 2 trillion years ago. Is time somehow going by really and and really effing slow at the same time? Is this an episode of Quantum Leap???

Oh, by the by, Spencer, just because you're now 30 doesn't mean you have to stock up on shirts from the Men's Warehouse Two and a Half Men collection. You're thirty, not disgusting.

 Oh, yeah...
via mrhankey
We're still not that into you.

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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)

via buzzfeed
I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.

Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.

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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Thank You, Fun Ruiners of the World, for Ruining Everything I've Ever Loved.

There are very few things that I really, truly adore in life. And over the past few days, TWO of those things have been completely ruined for me.

via buzzfeed
 This b*tch. I have always wanted an eyepatch. Not out of necessity, born through terrible tragedy or anything, but just to wear. Kind of like when you're a kid, and you straighten out a paper clip to pretend like it's a retainer. (Why in weird kid brains did we do that crap?) So like that, but I'm in my thirties, and still pretending weird nonsense.

UNTIL I see Scott Disick, who is Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend, if you are blissfully unaware (oh, how I envy you), wearing a MOTHER EFFIN' EMBROIDERED EYEPATCH. Can I have nothing in life that is important to me? Now I will NEVER be able to stroll along a wandering boulevard wearing my bedazzled eyepatch and jauntily swinging a cane that has a silver skull/bird's head/something else I haven't even thought of yet. Because every schmoe that passes will be thinking, "Oh, will you look at at pathetic b. She's totally pulling a Disick. What's next? Suede loafers on the beach?" When in the past they would have thought, "Cool eyepatch."

But the fun ruining horrors do not end there. Even KOALAS ARE NOT SACRED IN THIS WORLD.

via reddit
This is a web posting from a man trying to sell his koala bear. Which sounds amazing, because I love koala bears more than 99% of humans. Until you read the "bad" list of things about said koala bear. He raped and murdered a cat?!? He likes Vin Diesel movies?!? He puts shiny things in dog's asses?!? He's a racist?!? Between this and the crazy koala mask, I feel like all of my dreams and aspirations have been crushed. Never will a koala and I frolic on the beach together at sunset, while we spin around together in slow motion, because apparently he will attempt murder on my literal ass.

Does anyone want to ruin anything else for me? Is Ryan Reynold not hot anymore? Is wine not delicious now? I give up.

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