All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:18pm PST

I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:07pm PST

NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.

It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



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Miley Cyrus Seriously Has Zero Effs Left To Give

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:13am PST

If you thought that Miley had hit the epitome of the least amount of effs to give before, you were wrong. Oh so wrong. And here's your concrete proof.

Homie performed the other night in Miami at Art Basel, and this is the ode-to-Cher's-If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time-video outfit she wore. Well, part of it. There were some semi outfit changes.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:23am PST

There was the addition of this appendage.

You know the nights been a good one when you stole a shirt from a stripper

Une photo publiée par Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) le Déc. 12, 2014 at 3:23 PST

Then a gifted stripper shirt for her bathroom ensemble.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 1:46pm PST

And she finally just gave up on all the tops and wore disco ball pasties. You know, when in Rome, and all.

I have to hand it to Miley. She does whatever the shit she feels like, and doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. Do your thing, butterbean.

But if you feel like your eyeballs now need a little refreshing cleanse after all of those nearly-nude hijinks, here are some sibling beagles playing with a toy snake. Happy Friday in this beyotch!




vid via tastefully offensive Pin It

Try Not To Throw Out Your Back From Laughing News: Farrah Abraham Is Stripping, But Only For Research

pic via farrah's instagram

I know that you have probably writing in your diary every night, just pondering on what Farrah Abraham has been up to lately. Especially since the news broke that Teen Mom, OG edition is coming back to MTV, sans the Abe. Well, here's the short answer -- she's now working at an Austin strip club called Palazio Gentlemen's Club. (People of Austin, go to there and report back. Actually, don't. I think we all know what's doing in that bitch.) But you can quit side-eyeing her in your rude ass head, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY FOR TOP SECRET RESEARCH, YOU D-HOLES. She told E! News:

"A friend of mine works there and I'm researching. I've been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman's club, including cocktailing and dancing. There's management and there's cooking too. It's job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that's what I'm doing. It's how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I'm not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I'm interested in hearing all the women's stories. And while I'm doing it, I'm getting paid. I'm getting paid to play a role and get informed."

So, not only is she stripper-shadowing, she'll be cooking chicken fingers with gourmet dipping sauces (I'm only assuming) up in the club? Let me know when that nevergoingtohappenthing happens. I'll be holding my damn breath. Is anyone CPR certified?

Homie, you can seriously quit playing game with our hearts, because we don't believe all of that silly effery. Breaking news, Fare Bear: no one gives a shit if you want to be a STRIPPER stripper. It's fine. Live your damn life and do what you want. Except making music. Please never, ever do THAT again.




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Lady Gaga Serves Up Her Butt Cheeks With A Slice Of Pizza

via gaga's FB

I am not slut-shaming here when I say that this is too much, Stefani. I've worn some of the whoriest whore outfit in my day, including wearing a shirt as a dress. Ain't no thang, man. In current times, this a little more my speed, but I still feel where you're coming from:

But here's where this all swerves a sharp left for me -- I CAN'T EAT PIZZA WHEN THERE'S AN ASS CHEEK EXPOSED IN THE ROOM. It's the same reason that you won't find me at an all-you-can eat cinnamon bun buffet at a strip club. If I'm a hair (sorry) from seeing a cooch or a b-hole, I just feel strange tearing up some grub in the same room as another person's exposed bathing suit areas. Call me old-fashioned.

Conversely, this doesn't bother me in the slightest:

via gaga's FB

You're clearly at a bar of some sort. Show them Ts, guh. Live your life.

Am I insane with this logic? Do you guys mind eating next to somebody's pair of Mr. Cheeks?



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Justin Bieber Goes To A Diddy Party, Is The Only Topless One In The Room.

pic via yahoo celebrity

I love this picture so much, I want to marry it. It's like a Highlights Magazine's hidden pictures of pure delight. What exactly are your eyeballs gazing upon, you ask? It's good ol' baby Bieber with his tits out for the boys at some party that Diddy was throwing for himself last night in Atlanta, of course.

There are a few reasons that I can't wait to make this my screensaver, if screensaver pictures still existed. (Holla, '00s!) First of all, the current temperature in Atlanta is a balmy 39 degrees. Notice how everyone else is properly clothed in actual fabrics, with some people even wearing things such as jackets, as people tend to do when temperatures are in the lower range.

But the best of the best thing about this amazing piece of photographic art? Besides the seemingly jovial Rick Ross, and maybe Diddy, EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME. Like, if you told me that all of these people were on their way to the gynecologist for a Groupon pap-smear with a speculum straight from the grocer's freezer, I would totally believe your ass. This looks like an authentically terrible time to be had all around.

What happened right before this picture was taken to induce this grump-fest? This?

 
Is this what happened to Bieber's shirt 30 seconds before?

These are the only logical explanations.




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Justin Bieber Visits Strip Club, Strippers Around The Country Collectively Quit.

No, they didn't. But they should, because that sh*t is some inhumane working conditions. The Huffington Post has pieced together a story from TMZ and The Miami New Times involving Biebs visiting a Miami strip club for about an hour and spending somewhere around $75,000. He was there celebrating someone named Lil' Scrappy's birthday. The strip club tweeted this after: "Justin Bieber just ordered 75k ones..." and also included some dumb and annoying emojis. There's also a quote from the club promoter, named Disco Rick, that is boring and adds nothing to this story.

Let's dissect all of this tom foolery, shall we?

• Don't strippers have enough bullsh*t that they have to deal with, without dealing with Bieber? I'm sure dealing with your everyday, garden-variety strip club patron is annoying enough.
• How many Lil's are there out there? These kids are like a Warner Brothers cartoon about a rag-tag gang of kittens.
• Isn't there some kind of code of ethics when it comes to nakey bars? Like, isn't it kind of like a doctor, where they shouldn't be tweeting all of your business all over the internets?
• DISCO RICK??? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? It's 2014, sir, please retire.

Speaking of retiring, I've had just about enough of this world. I just can't with you, anymore, Earth.




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