Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine

#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show

#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does

#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial

#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny

#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream

#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying

#23 -- Heidi Montag crying

#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself

#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"

#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance

#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production

#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?

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Friday, January 24, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
I've got some new new going with Allure: slideshows! Here's my first one, and it involves boss books from our youth and the bad b*tch beauty looks that they inspire. It's entitled "Beauty Book Club: Inspiration From Your Favorite Childhood Reads," and you can check that sh*t here.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Get Your Pitchforks Greased and Ready for Me

On second thought, that was a terrible choice of imagery for this post, given the topic. I have to tell you guys something, and it's going to piss some of you off. Here goes:

I kind of hate Fifty Shades of Grey.

Let me say this first. (Ugh, I originally typed "fist.") If anyone in my family is reading what I've typed right now, please go away. This is not for you, Aunt Sally or Gam Gam. (I have changed their names, because clearly they would want me to.)

Now that it's just us dirty-minded w's, can we get real? These books are not good. Was the sex part pretty good at the beginning? Sure, fine. But after the 293487039284 tryst, we gots it. You guys like doing each other and stuff. SMOLDERING!!!! And full disclosure -- I'm only halfway through the second book. So maybe alien abduction or something awesome is going to happen soon. But if not, I must say: Can a b get a plot up in here?

I swear the first book was sponsored by the word "bodywash." And when's the last time you saw a crazy hot dude with copper hair and gray eyes? If this is really a fan fiction book about Carrot Top, I will freak the eff out. How is this going to be a movie? I don't see how. You can only show so many "circling thumbs" before you get a NC-17 rating.

Okay, I'm done. I will attempt to read the rest of the books, and swallow (heh) my pride.

Am I wrong, guys? Do you hate me now?

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm Not Young, and I'm Hardly Adult...But I'm So Pumped Over 'Hunger Games'!

This is completely unrelated, but the title of this post forced my brain to go here...

Don't act like your grown ass didn't just sit here and watch that entire video. And don't act like Britney wasn't super hot then! Blerg!

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Are you guys into The Hunger Games? Or you all, "Hello...That's a Young Adult series, and I am grown and sexy!" (P.S. If you really did just think that, Mom, stop reading this blog and go back to reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) If you aren't on the H.G. train yet, you better hop the hell on, b! The movie of the first book comes out in March, and the buzz keeps building. Adding to the fabulousity is the newly created Capitol Couture site, which shows off the hottest H.G. fashions, starting with ol' Effie Trinket. (Duh.)

Ugh! How much are you dying right now??? Hopefully we will get more sneak peeks as we get closer to the release of the movie. But now, I have to go powder my face (literally) and get a pink wig. (Yay for two semi-Britney Spears references in one completely unrelated post!)

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