10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

#1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.

My Brother Lenny Kravitz!! #nowthatsludicrous 😳😳😳😳 #lovethisscarf #someshitiwoulddo

A photo posted by @ludacris on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:16am PST

Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

#2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

#3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

#4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

#5 -- Dude brain logic.

He took his nephew to the zoo!

A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on Nov 11, 2014 at 4:44pm PST

This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

#6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

#7 -- Balls.

#8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.

This "beard weave" makeover shit is a horrible joke, right? #ANTMCycle21 pic.twitter.com/5rcgxIphDn
— Shannon Ray (@glossanddirt) September 9, 2014

JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

#9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

via holymaurymotherofgod

Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

#10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



videos via reddit cringe

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TGIF! Who Wants To Sing Sensually With Someone Named 'Keyboard Cathy' About Sashimi?

Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.

But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?

Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.


via reddit


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The Badass B List: Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Fuzzy (Anymore) Was She?

Awkwardly placed facial and body hair is decidedly NOT the cat's sexy ass pajamas, I mean amiright? Unless you are one of those "I have zero effs to give about body hair" people. If so, carry on, and maybe pass go and read about Justin Bieber, or whatever. For the rest of us, get ready, because sh*t's about to get awkward. (For me, anyway.)

bliss "fuzz" off, $24

First is the worst (to talk about, anyway), so let's just do this crap. I don't find myself to be an excessively hairy human, female person. I'm just on that pre-pubescent boy that is trying to grow a creepy moustache, or Pedro from Napoleon Dynomite tip. But with blonde hair. It's quite cute. (No, it's not.) So it was a happy day for me when the Bliss people allowed me to try their new product for facial hair removal, "fuzz" off. Unfortunately, I have not had good luck with hair removal creams in the past, when I've used them on my legs and such. I always end up with rashy, irritated skin. YAY! But I was left pleasantly surprised with this bliss product. It's super easy to use (apply with applicator, wait a few minutes, wipe off), and it actually smells pretty, pretty good. And best part -- no irritation (or Pedro-esque lip hair)! Check it out for yo' own damn self here.

whish shave savour hair inhibiting gel swipes, $8 (8 pk) to $20 (20 pk)

The Whish people were nice enough to send me a sample of these brand new Hair Inhibiting Gel Swipes, which were shown in clinical studies to reduce hair density by 26% after 28 days of daily use. Pretty friggin' cool, right? My favorite thing about them (of course) is that ish is super easy to use, AKA lazy b friendly. It's like a wet nap -- rip it open, then just wipe wherever you want to make your hair less coarse. I went for the legs, because I'm a prude. And they smell like a pomegranate martini, minus the regrets and bad decisions. (Okay, not that prude.) I can't wait for my legs to look like a borderline hairless cat in a few weeks. Check the deets on these puppies here.

bikini soft smooth shave oil & razor saver, $14.99 plus s&h

When I was sent this duo from Bikini Soft, I was super iffy on it. It's just a bottle of oil, how good can this mess be??? And while I love the crap out of it for shaving the swimsuit/no no areas and legs, the true testament came from shaving my armpits. Here's a little back story on my 'pits (whether you want to hear it or not). I have always, since the dawn of shaving said underarms time, had an issue with razor burn/bumps on the armpits. No matter what I've used, it always happens. But that sh*t is completely gone after using this stuff. Insanity. And to use the smooth shave oil, just put a few drops in your hands and apply to wherever you're shaving. After you've finished, you dry off your razor and use the razor saver to increase the longevity of your razor. Bikini Soft also has a razor recycling program, where you can send your old ass razors to be recycled. Captain Planet would totally approve. Find out more about Bikini Soft here, including their 30 day money back guarantee.

Being hairlessly fresh to death has never been so easy.



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