As I sit here typing this, I am disappointed in myself on so many levels.
I'm sad that I didn't even want to watch this movie, with my well-documented love of the original. I feel shame that I didn't want to support Tori Spelling in her time of need -- like I'm letting down generations of Spellings.
Aaron is smiting me from beyond. Candy has cordoned off (just one of) her former gift-wrapping rooms in protest. Tori is weeping silently as she locks eyes with Dean Whatchamacallem across the decidedly-not-gift-wrapping room. Randy (???) exists somewhere.
So, even though I don't feel like watching this complete nonsense, I will fortify my spirit with cheese and recap the new, James Franco-ed, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Because if not me, then who?
"Noooo onnnnne," hisses Aaron Spelling's spirit, who lives in all of our hearts, like my mom told me about Santa. No one, indeed. So, let's get this over with.
Well, here's the opening screen. And I already have a problem with this Clip Art font with the red glow.
Wait. Did I make this movie in a fugue state and this is my cinematic masterpiece? I would've chosen this shitty shit, because I'm a piece of trash juice garbage and know nothing about anything. Franco, whaddup?
We're now 18 seconds in, and I see a tiny, glimmering beacon of hope at the bottom of the screen. Ivan Sergei, the titular OG Danger is somehow involved in this. I will press on.
JAMES IHA, OF THE SMASHING GD PUMPKINS DID THE MUSIC. Peace be with us, what is happening already.
*The first song that plays is a woman repeating either "cult" or the c-word over and over. Here, we also are told this movie is based upon a novel, and I wonder if I, like all dogs, have gone to heaven.
Our first character (Danger???) is a purported goth with a bump-it and crimped hair. I need so much more cheese fortification.
Danger also loves contour. I tried to tell y'all to stop contouring so much.
At four minutes in, we're hit with the big, dramatic reveal: Danger is a "Nightwalker" or a "Night Walker" or "kind of like a vampire," and features these truly frightening fangs. Un-clench your b-holes, I know you're terrified.
We're now at six minutes, and the protagonist has stabbed her "kind of vampire" girlfriend through the heart after she is bitten by Danger, and Danger says protagonist is now a whatever thing, too. OKAY, COOL. IS THE MOVIE OVER NOW?
Protagonist is now a vampire, or something. So maybe she's Danger. Please send help.
OG Danger is a "Vampires & Sexuality" professor. Holy shit, this is the most James Franco movie that's ever James Franco-ed.
We then get *treated* to 948509483 minutes of Macbeth monologues, including this guy's, whose name is Bob, as 2016 college students are wont to be named. James Franco is, of course, the drama teacher. Treats on treats. It's like Treat Mountain, 90210 over here.
Speaking of treats, we finally rest our tired eyeballs upon Tori, the mother of Probably Actual Protagonist. Still unclear as to who actual Danger might be.
Tori is planning some big Halloween party, for which she gives her daughter protagonist an invitation, in 2016. Side note: Tori actually looks great.
There's a lot of girl-on-girl photography in this movie? (FRANCO-ED!) Also, I guess former assumed protagonist is real Danger. We know because she's wearing liquid liner, while Real Protagonist is Fresh-Faced™ and has Beach Waves™.
I IMDB'd Fresh Face and SHE IS VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S DAUGHTER.
So, that makes her...my real life step-daughter?
Tori just found out her daughter has a girlfriend in 2016. Read more in Not Shocking Things That Can Happen weekly. Cue a lot of girl-on-girl face touching. (FRANCO-ED!)
But the show must go on! At Macbeth practice, we get a lot of this soft-core erotica while James Franco, drama teacher, plays high-key-trying-to-be-sexy music on a boombox, nods, smirks and says, "I did not direct that." (FRANCO-ED!)
At this point, I would like to remind everyone that Tori Spelling did Jazzercise on the lawn of her college in the original Mother.
Bob sees the "kind of vampire" coven kissing and calls Tori to tell her her daughter is in trouble. (He just has acquaintances' parents' cell phone numbers?) Tori then confronts Fresh Faced about the "bad crowd" she's getting into, to which Fresh Faced replies, "You don't know crap." Then something magical happens. Tori Spelling, née Donna Martin, SAYS "SHIT" IN A LIFETIME MOVIE.
What a time to be alive. This truly is my life's season.
The chill "kind of like a vampire" group then feeds on a would be rapist, so now we're rooting for the vampires? I don't know what's happening. We still have almost an hour to go.
Tori tells FF she can't see the girlfriend anymore, so they go take more ~sexy~ pictures, which is really 97% of this movie.
There is one more scene, where the group tells Real Danger she has to turn FF into a "kind of vampire," then guess what happens? If you guessed MOAR PICTURE TAKIN', you are smart. Or James Franco.
But, meanwhile, somebody's being a real looky-loo.
Danger reveals herself to be a Night Walker (why do they keep saying that?) but explains that she tries to only go after abusive men. So...she's maybe only danger and not Danger. FF runs away. Tori is still hiding in some flora and/or fauna.
More not-at-all-over-the-top brand play practice as James Franco, drama teacher, rubs his facial scruff in the cheap seats.
Then there's graveyard sex because FRANCO-ED! and FF says she still loves Little D danger and wants to become a Night Walker because they'll B 2GETHER 4EVER and just drink each others' blood? I don't think that's how vampires work, but also James Franco seems well-read so what do I know.
It's time for Tori's party, which is like 65% masquerade ball? It's not clear. Bob drugs FF's drink and his face looks like this. If anyone ever looks at you with this face, call the police. There's some kind of ball-shaped pill in your champagne. So maybe Bob is Danger.
As the ball pill kicks in, the mask percentages go up to like 80. Bob becomes DANGER as he takes FF out onto a grassy knoll.
Thankfully, the "kind of vampires" swoop in and dispense of Bob. Bob, we hardly knew ye. Bai.
Tori finds FF right before the knock-off Craft girls bite her and change her into a whatever. Tori's wearing her costume, which I guess is a flapper madame in a Vegas-style show in Branson, Missouri?
Somehow, Bob is back and super smug, just in time for Macbeth. James Franco, drama teacher, makes everyone snap a bunch of times, say "ooga booga" over and over, then it's SHOWTIME.
New Bob is even weirder than old Bob, so DANGER, I guess.
I don't think the play is going that well, but Tori is loving it. FF is playing Macbeth and she's wearing fishnets, so that's how you know it's cool and progressive. And because she's a girl! How topsy-turvy. (FRANCO-ED!)
Bob starts ad libbing and James Franco, drama teacher, is like, "What are they doing?" up in the cheap seats, where drama teachers sit, and Bob is just apparently being a Night Walker on stage like it's no big.
FF runs off the stage so Bob Walker DANGER doesn't kill her, but he and the other whatevers follow her out and the audience is like, "Is this the play?" So, it's just kind of like a normal play and they're just kind of like vampires.
They end up in the sex graveyard, where Tori runs in to save FF. Tori is pretty judgmental as a mom, but she keeps saving her kid from murders, so that's good.
Bob tries to kill Tori, while the Craft lite, but vampires, try to kill FF.
Girlfriend swoops in and starts ripping out tracheas and breaking tombstones.
FF is trying to save Tori by beating Bob with a tombstone gargoyle, and the viewing audience is like, "Whadda way 2 go, amirite?" (FRANCO-ED!)
Weirdly, Bob says "I love you" before the final death blow. (Franco-ed?)
Little danger drags FF out of the sex graveyard after the melee, leaving Tori's dead body. Like, rude but time-saving, I guess?
FF finally gets maybe danger to bite her and make her a why-aren't-we-just-vampires-Night-Walker. Hopefully that works out. Eternity is a long-ass time and y'all just met, but live your undead lives.
We end this cinematic dumpster fire (I mean that in the most loving way) with Bob and the other chill NWs rag-tagging it up at a Halloween party the next year, trolling for vics. Their faces are all looking a little rough from the gargoyle beatings and removed tracheas, but besides that, they're flying high on life blood!
So who is titular new Danger in Franco's masterpiece? I have no idea. I think definitely rapists, and maybe some, but not all, "kind of vampires." (FRANCO-ED!)
This was my opus. Good day.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Monday, December 21, 2015
In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.
In even better news, TORI SPELLING MIGHT BE PLAYING THE MOTHER.
You know, this human being.
The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)
Just stays keeping it all the way real.
Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.
Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.