I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.
All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?
|BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit|
- Many awkward hair phases.
- David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.
BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.
Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.
|B Dubs, the stern years.|
- He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
- He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
- He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
- He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
- He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
- He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone.
- These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.
Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?
|Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.|
- Please see above.
- That voice.
- He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
- He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
- He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.
IS THAT A WETSUIT TOP TUCKED INTO RELAXED FIT JEANS?
- That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
- He doesn't love me.
Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.
|Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.|
- Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
- He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
- Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
- Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:
- Straight-up ramen hair. And frequently mullet-ed.
- THE WORST outfits. Worst.
Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.
Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.
How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?