Leave Me Be, Instagram Celebrities: These Are The Only Things Want Notifications About

Everyone is losing their GD collective minds today on Instagram.

Apparently, one of the best apps to spy on c-list celebrity vacations is changing its algorithm tomorrow, showing whatever the shit it thinks will be most important to you first, instead of chronological postings. Or something. I can't really be bothered to research the details, but this has prompted an ONSLAUGHT OF FOOLISHNESS.

To keep me in your feed turn on my notifications! Instagram is changing!

A photo posted by Ashley Tisdale (@ashleytisdale) on Mar 28, 2016 at 8:15am PDT

Every human on earth now wants you to turn on notifications for their boring-ass Instagram postings. Or else you might find yourself caught unawares of what is happening in Lori Loughlin's life. Can you imagine? Prepare for your world to be in actual shambles. So please make sure that you co-sign on getting constant popups on your phone, or you'll never know that Ian Ziering had some sliced grapefruit for breakfast.

As for me, I want to have exactly zero notifications about anything in life. Unless any of the following things happen:

Melissa Joan Hart stars in a Lifetime movie wherein she rides a mini horse.

Swan's Crossing comes back on.** 

Jon Hamm inquires over my whereabouts because he wants to take me to Applebee's.

Shannen Doherty has a yard sale and is selling some prototypes of Brenda Walsh Collection Clip-On Bangs™.

There's a baby koala on my doorstep and he doesn't have a key to get in.

The wine store goes out of business and is like, "Hold on to your butts, here's a ton of free wine."

Any and all news relating to Mother May I Sleep with Danger? 

If it's none of the above, leave me the hell alone and I'll see your picture of clouds that look like a kitten when I see it.



**I challenge you to find a lower quality video on the internet.








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Miley Cyrus Show's Off Fall's Biggest Trends: Ice Cream Nips And Pill Glasses

pic via miley's instagram

"Oh, hey, guys. I don't really get why everybody is all up on me about being over the top, and shit. I'm just being Miley. HAHAHHA. Remember that? But f'real, what's the big ol' deal about letting your boobs free? And wearing DIY pill googles? At night? And having a worrisome glitter-rash? Pshhaw, get a life, y'all. IT AIN'T NO THING." - Miley***

***Not a direct MiCy quote, so don't be pinning that crap to your inspirational Pinterest board (bored?), or whatever.

Listen, I actually can't find any effs to rub together that Miley is running around sans turtleneck. Or even dickie. Whatever. If you want to wear food-centric pasties until your nips quit that bitch, I really don't care. It's your silly-ass life.

But when homie posted this picture, I really COULD NOT cosign on the outlandish behavior.

via instagram

In case you have a case of the I-can't-see-upside-downs, it says "Punk's Not Dead" with a picture of Britney Spears shaving her head.

I WILL HIDE YOUR ARTS AND CRAFTS SUPPLIES. Do not mess with my Brit Brit. Meanwhile...



Brit's killing us softly with ankle socks.

 

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Justin Louise (???) Bieber, You Stop That Right Now and Go to Your Room!

I can't can't take much more of this, Biebs.

pics via JB's instagram

I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.

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Nope.

I don't even want to know what kind of effery those pant are, or what sorority (my apologies, sorority people) girl you stole this whack ass pose (and pants) from, but this sh*t is damn ridiculous. There's only one thing we can do to remedy this situation.

 

Yep, much better.

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Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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Crazy Sh*t Celebrities Have Been Telling Me

No, I haven't been hearing the voices of famous people in my head. I'm not to THAT level, yet. I'm talking about on the social medias. I try to follow as many b's as possible on Twitter/Instagram/Grindr (I wish). And on occasion, that mess pays off. This is what has been happening in the celebrity world lately.

My lifetime role model, R Simms, talked about lunch boxes. (Heh -- boxes.)

Amanda Bynes bedazzled her face. With a needle. (Or however they do that ish.)

JB FINALLY listened to my ass for once in his mutha effin' life, and looked like he was in an all-lesbian review of West Side Story in the process. (P.S. Does that exist??? Because I would be VERY interested in watching that.)

Lilo talked about herself via Google Facts. We're all VERY impressed, Linds. You're special. And now for the picture that made my life...

LANA DEL REY IS F*CKING SMILING IN CURRENT DAY TIMES, YOU GUYS. What. Is. Happening? If someone had told me that this day would come, I would have never believed it. And she looks totally norms! Like a real and actual humanoid -- I feel quite confused.

And now I must go rest, I do believe that this has given me the vapors.

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File This Under: Sh*t I Hope Not to See in the New Year

I am not shy about my confusion over Justin Bieber. I just don't understand -- but sometimes parents just don't understand. (I am at least of parental age, people. I should just accept that ish. Oh, and this is of note about that link I posted -- DJ JAZZY JEFF HAS A MOTHER EFFING VEVO. WHAT IS HAPPENING???) But for some reason, mostly my complete hatred of myself, I follow Biebs on the ol' instagram. And lemme tell you a little something; I can't handle seeing any more Bieber nipple. Not because it's giving me the Bieber fever. Oh no, it is quite the opposite.

via JB's instagram

First came this shot, which is bad enough. It brought the slight quease. I don't want to see you, Bieber, in all of your baby tattooed/baby abdominaled glory. And that face? No. But the insanity didn't stop there. Oh, no.

duh, via baby bieb's insta again

WHAT THE HOLY EFF??? I do apologize for the inconvenience of only being able to see 1.2 Bieber nipple. Oh, wait. No, I don't. This is just entirely too much. I feel straight ILLEGAL AS F*CK at this point. And obviously everyone else did too, because he deleted this mess. I see you, Justin Marie Bieber (it just fits), I see you. You will not become a sex symbol. You will have to pull the laptop from my cold, dead hands.

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Who the Eff is This Person?

via lana's instagram

Seriously, would you have EVER guessed that this person above is Lana del Rey? I would have sworn it was either Heidi Montag or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader engaged in a quick glamour shots sesh. Maybe it's the fact that she's smiling, too. I don't think I have ever seen homegirl's teeth. She could have a grill for all I know, and be in the St. Lunatics. I don't really know her life like that.

I highly recommend following celebrities on instagram, because they can't help themselves from posting completely insane nonsense every ten minutes. It's not your Angelfire web diary set to private, people. I can see your ass. Speaking of, if you would like to follow the likes of my boringness on instagram, you can follow me at instagram.com/lilshan and see such nation treasures as this.

Did you guys notice that I like to keep my phone charge in the high ninetieth percentile? That's how I roll in this mother effer. (Or no one ever texts/calls/emails me. It's whatevs.)

P.S. Sorry for being so sh*tty about posting lately. I've been working my literal a-hole off (it fell off) at my retail job for the holidays. I've also got some other personal ish going on, which I may/may not ever talk about. But I'll try to be a lot less sh*tty. (Keyword: TRY.)



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BREAKING NEWS: Guess Who, Who, Who Got an Owl Tattoo?

You can go ahead and virtually punch me in the face for that stupid ish. The answer is Justin Bieber.

And I know this because I follow Biebs on instagram, and am freely accepting your judgement for this. He added the owl tatt next to his Ask Jeeves tattoo, which is a nice accompaniment. (No! It's not an Ask Jeeves tattoo. That would just be silly. Errmmm.) It also looks like the owl might be perched on a paint brush or a broom. So it's either a witch or artist owl. Yay!



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