Showing posts with label Scary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scary. Show all posts

Monday, June 10, 2013

Quick Sh*t Hits

Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.

Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.

I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.

Also, Biebs is going to space.


If this is the first impressions aliens get of Earthlings, we're all f*cked.

And this happened, too.

via twitter
Listen, Juno, I like your ass, but you can't have my Skar-y.

Lastly, this exists. Goodnight, cruel world.

What's been going on with your asses? And what TV dramzzzz shall I be sucked into next? TALK TO ME.

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Saturday, June 1, 2013

ET Should Probably Go Home.

I'll give a Fruit by the Foot to any b that can make it through this video. Not a Fruit Roll Up. What am I, effin' made of money? I'll throw in a pack of gusher to anyone that can send out a memo on what's up with that mouth situation. Mr. Bubble? Anyone?

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Creepiest Ass Toys From My Childhood.

Bah Humbug, b*tches. In the vein of me hating the holidays, I thought I would compile a list of the worst/creepiest toys that I can remember from childhood. I immediately thought of this first one, because it combines grossness with kids' annoying curiosity, leaving parents answering a ish load of awkward questions. (Well, not me. My mom bought me a book about sex when I was five. Yep, I was THAT kid. Explains a lot, doesn't it?)

I mean, in theory, I get this toy. Puppies are cute, and stuff. But pretty much performing c-sections on stuffed animals gets into extremely high creep levels for me. Not to mention, after you pull those little w's out the first time, isn't the point of the toy over? What do you do next? Fake wean them?

I actually had Teddy Ruxpin, so I can attest to the fact that homeboy was creepy. He blinked and crap, which I realize was CUTTING DAMN EDGE in '86, or whatever, but it was creepy. I'm also not crazy about the commercial. Kid is like borderline getting bullied by the class, and the toy is saving his ass and making him cool. Great.

I DID NOT HAVE EITHER OF THESE, praise the Lord. Because is anything weirder than a doll that is roughly your size and the basis of a horror movie? Terrifying. Why did toy companies do this to our child-sized asses?!? Plus, the jingle is super stalker-y. Gross.

Now this last one, I don't have any real complaints about. Except that her bright nonsense may keep your ass awake all night, and you'd be too tired to make paper mache balloons in art class the next day, or something. (Don't forget yo' smock!)  I can't remember if I had PJ Sparkles (Hot name, by the way.), or just coveted her, but a huge light up bow and a freakum dress that converts into an elegant ballgown with a tug of a hand? I'm sold.

What toys freaked you out when you guys were kids? And if you're like, "That Bratz doll that came out last year." I will straight slap you.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jared Leto's Browless Ass

via huffpo
Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?

Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.
I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.

Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?

Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.

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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Obligatory Halloween Post: Crap That Scared Me When I Was a Kid

I effing love Halloween. I love scary ish, costumes, when stuff gets weird -- all of it is awesome to me. And I've always been this way.
Oh, who's that badass witch, complete with wig and possible brown face (yikes)? Yup, that's me. I go all out, even at five. I really tried to find a picture of the year when I dressed up as a birthday cake and made my costume, but it's mysteriously missing. Count yourself lucky.

Anyway, I always loved scary crap, whether it happened around Halloween or not. I LOVED Roald Dahl as a kid, and The Witches was one of my favorite books. And the movie was my total jam, but that ish was scary.
Am I right, or what? Anjelica Huston is a lovely woman, but that b horrified me when I was a kid. A couple of years later, I got into Christopher Pike/RL Stine books. (And don't come to me with that Goosebumps garbage.)
I read so friggin' many of these books in late elementary/middle school. They were all based around teenaged kids with secrets and crap. I can't really remember, but I feel like they were scary versions of Swan's Crossing.

EDIT: I just remember that I WROTE a Christopher Pike-esque book in middle school. It was horrible. (Clearly.)

But something that really scared the ish out of me was Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The sad part is that I was TOO OLD TO BE SCARED OF THIS MESS. I remember CRYING over an episode about a ghost and couldn't sleep, and I was like 15. That is not even appropriate. I am so dumb.

What were you guys scared of when you were kids? I'm still scared of ghosts. Homey don't play that mess.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Happy Halloween, Eyeballs!

I've kind of got a thing for Alfred Hitchcock. No, not a sexual thing, weridos. And no, not because his last name is awesome. I remember seeing Dial 'M' for Murder when I was a kid and thinking it was all kinds of badass. So I'm super excited about the upcoming movie Hitchcock, detailing the making of Psycho. The only negative about this whole deal is that it makes me want to watch Psycho, and that ish isn't on Netflix. Which is just effing rude, and makes me want to flick Netflix in the armpit. ( I don't even know what that means.)

But speaking of scary mess, have you guys seen the pictures of the skeleton formerly know as Matthew McConaughey?

pic via daily mail
I know that this nonsense is for a movie role, but holy damn. This is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I'm assuming that the people he is walking with are his parents, and they came to see him because they are concerned for his ass. Look past his mom's glamorous metallic leather jacket and at her expression. B is horrified. I'll pour out a little of my milkshake for my skinny homie later.

Will you guys be into watching Hitchcock? Are you afraid by MMc's ass right now?

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Friday, May 4, 2012

Should I Be Scared?

I need to go bleach my skin.

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Monday, April 16, 2012

Time to jump in our spaceships!

So, before you play this at full volume in your cubicle, it's super NSFW language. I mean, obvs. It's Tupac, y'all.

But seriously...

Now, let's all ride or die.

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...

Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Nope. Completely Natural!

I LOVE this photo montage from US Magazine cataloging Kate Gosselin's face over the past several years, and speculating over the procedures that she's had done. The first picture looks like a woman on trial for the murder of her abusive, preacher husband. The most recent looks like a crazy b trying desperately to become a regular on the RHoBH. Oh God, she's probably reading this (You know she has herself on crazy Google alert status updates.), and I just gave her an idea for her next career move. Dammit! Pin It

Monday, October 31, 2011


I was perusing the ol' Facebook earlier today, checking out people's Halloween pictures. (One of my favorite pastimes, BT-dubs. I can silently judge people. But now I'm blogging about it...Whoopsie?) I noticed an issue with a lot of girls/ladies/young women/whatevs. No, not the slutiness/tininess/low rent-ness of the costumes. Do your thang, girl! It's Halloween! No, this was something much more sinister. So many b's were way too damn tan! It looked like a dang Valencia orange grove up in there! Let's explore this issue...I'll even talk ish about myself!

I mean, sh*t! Look at me! I was too tan even on my wedding day. And those pictures WON'T DIE! I was a tanorexic b for a looooong time. Not. Cute. But don't worry! I'm not the only one.

Ol' Xtina (Remember that?!?) has been too tan forever, along with a long list of other celebrities. See: Everyone on Jerseylicious. (Yes, I'm stretching at the term "celebrity.") Baseball mitts, anyone?

Oh these two. Even swag-a-rific designers aren't immune to this is. You know Anne Hathaway is thinking, "If this b gets his crazy ass bronzer all over my porcelain skin, I will scream!" (You know she's a stomping, screaming kind. Look at her face. It's okay, Annie. I am too!) I can't even with Donatella. She's just filed under: Too. Much.

And you KNOW I couldn't forget about America's sweetheart! B*tch got 99 problems, and her tan is one. Honey, you SELL SELF TANNER. Get it together!

I'm pleading with everyone. Being too tan is not cute! It's a real thing! C'mon peeps. Let's kick this ish together, and self tan in moderation. (NO TANNING BEDS!)

PSA, anyone? Pin It