Showing posts with label Sexy Mofos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexy Mofos. Show all posts

Monday, May 18, 2015

Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown


I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 


There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger


Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 


MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead


Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees


I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 


What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman


This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 


Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 


Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys


Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?










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Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Adele Makes A Really Hot Dude



I have to say that Adele is really covering all of the hot-ass bases for me here. I already think that regular, ol' everyday Adele is a major sexpot, but she really upped the sexy ante by dressing in drag as George Michael for her birthday, seeing as I have a well-documented thing for GM. (P.S. Reading the comments on that video still brings me some strange sense of delight and wonder. People are effed in the brain.)

Also, how does a bitch get invited to an Adele birthday party, because I want in. I can dress as any dude you want me to, Addie. David Arquette in Scream? You got it, dude. Donald Trump? Begrudgingly, but, sure. Jordan Catalano? Obviously. Shit, I'll even dress up as Brain Brian Krakow, if it suits you. I WANT IN.


Plus, it sounds like a much better time than this dumb party:



 I just got a Drakkar Noir contact headache from that bullshit. THANKS, BIEBS. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT.






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