How much do you love (no pun intended) this pic, BT-dubs? Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt. I really feel for this b. I was reading this article over at X17 in which she talks about how she has a big crush on Adam Levine, and how he hasn't reached out to her to even thank her for airing said crush. And also how she @ tweeted Joe Jonas and told him to have a Happy Easter and to watch her show. What the what?
Giiiirl, do you not have any friends? You have been suffering from a case of the 'try too hards' for years now, J Love. You seem to be a very nice girl, but it's WAY. TOO. MUCH. The constantly talking about who you like, the vajazzling thing...Please stop. You are almost entering Courtney Stodden levels of attention-demanding stunts. I just can't with you anymore.
I want to make you a nice pot of chamomile tea, and have a little sit down like we're starring in a Summer's Eve commercial. "It's time to stop with this nonsense, honey." I'll say while I pat your hand. "Remember those pictures of you in the bikini playing tennis?" I'll gently remind her, while I pull out this picture, marked 'Exhibit 1B'.
"No one wears espadrilles while playing sports. Not even an OC Housewive." Then I'll hand her a guest Snuggie and we will watch The Client List (OG tv movie, not the show) together.
Call me, J Love.
Stop tweeting Jonas brothers, please.
Update :
I just found this JLH quote from US Weekly - "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind --
and dab it on my neck... Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put
it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"
Ugh.
P.S. I'm going to buy vanilla extract. I hate myself.
Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.
V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.
So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:
- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)
- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)
- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)
- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)
- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)
Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.
Have I mentioned that I'm oily? Okay, I always harp on this ish. I have real problems, y'all. ISSUES. I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I try to do a 'bun day' with dirty hair, it's not happening. It looks like I put surfboard wax or some mess in my hair. It's pretty effin' gross. In an effort to not wash my hair errr day, I have tried a plethora of dry shampoos. They usually suck.
Having dark hair, it's kind of hard to find a great dry shampoo that doesn't make you look like you are trying to look like an English judge in a powdered wig. (Which is pretty sexual, Bee Tee Dubs.) I've found that most of the time, spray dry shampoos do nothing on my hair, and powders make me look insane.
So I had not high hopes for my latest conquest:
This is No Drought by Lush. It costs about $13. If you aren't familiar with this place, it's that store in the mall that has a bunch of soaps in it, and you can smell a mile away. Stronger than Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Ish is strong.
And here's what it looks like out of the package:
To apply it, you can either squirt the mess directly in your hair, or squirt it on your hand and rub through your hair. It's messy as hell, I'm not going to lie. But it's just as cray if you use baby powder or whatever. Unlike baby powder, it doesn't smell like a baby's butt. It smells like lemons. (Which I prefer to diaper scent, personally.) And unlike baby powder, I don't find it to make it look like I have gray hair, as long as I brush my hair out.
With the assistance of this stuff, I can actually, on occasion, wear my hair down the day after shampoo. A couple of times I have even gone THREE DAYS. (Hair up, natch.) Call the Vatican, I'm pretty sure that qualifies for a miracle.
I'm into it. (Duh.) Let me know if you guys have a favorite dry shamps that I don't even know about. Sharing is caring! I won't ask you b's how long you go without washing your hair, because I wouldn't drop dead with jealousy of your dirtiness. LAZINESS 4 EVA!
Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!
I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.
Keep it together, Lindz.
Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!
P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?
Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?
I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:
Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.
As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.
I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)
- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)
- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)
- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)
- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)
I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car.
P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!
I found myself staring at this InStyle cover yesterday in the grocery store, unable to move. This ish has me perplexed. WHAT THE EFF IS THIS PICTURE? Sofia Vergara is one of the hottest b's in the game right now, and InStyle is using this mess on the cover? B looks cray. If someone said, "Hey, what is Latoya Jackson doing on the cover of InStyle?" I would not even question it. And then I would slap them and unfriend them on Facebook, because Toy Toy is an obvious style icon. Duh.
I mean, please. Stop. Playing. B took inspiration from Britney Spears' I'm a Slave 4 U, threw in some woodland fairy and rolled with it. Flawless.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. It is hard to make Sofia Vergara look, ermmm, not so great and InStyle did that here. I also find it somewhat ironic that this is the 'color' issue, and ol' Sofs looks super washed out. Can a sister get a little bronzer?
What do you guys think? Am I right? Or am I the crazy brains around here? (Don't answer that.)
I have totally been hiding something from you guys, and it is HIGH time that my ol' shady ass comes clean. (Why does that sound gross for some reason?)
Just hear me out for a minute. It's not my fault. I blame Whole Foods. I was shopping for fun stuff like kale and wheatgrass (See, I'm totally in the Toms demographic!), and I came upon the Toms section at Whole Foods (Yes, that exists, weirdly enough.). I always linger there for a moment, and this time there was a pair for 50% off! I was all, "What the eff. When in Rome..." and snatched them up.
That was it for me. After the initial breaking in (one day of semi-discomfort), I felt like this:
It was like angels were carrying my feet upon their feathery wings!!! (Note: Not AS comfortable as that, but pretty, pretty close.) And I actually found them to be cute! I know, what the eff? Am I a step away from wearing the devil's handmaidens? AKA these:
If you said "Yes," you better quit playin' b. Ain't happening. Sidenote: Crocs, please stop trying to be cute. Just accept that you are the 2000's version of a water shoe/Teva sandal-with-socks hybrid and call it a day.
NO. STOP THE INSANITY.
You can trust that I will never cross over to THAT dark side.
See! I'm still me! Don't hate me...I'm still a girly heels girl at heart. I just have a semi-split hippie personality (With extra dirtiness!).
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and feel a big ol' "Meh" escape your lips? Do you want to look more like you might shank a b? I feel like this dude right now, but this is NOT the direction in which we are going:
We're talking more of the eyeliner variety, of the darkest and deepest blackness (IE: the shade of my heart. Why does that sound like a Backstreet Boys song?)
I'm talking the newest shade of Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion. Oh just how black IS THIS, pray tell? Turn it down a notch, I got you.
Yep, we are talking liquid liner dark. You can throw this b on, smudge, and be a sexy, minxy, sexpot in roughly five seconds. These pencils are also touted to be 'waterproof'. Oh really, Urban Decay? Is that how we're playing?
Well, damn. Here's my hand after scrubbing the hell out of it. You win, UD.
Selena Gomez has been filming a movie in my town for the past few weeks, along with ol' Smirks McGee (Government Name: Vanessa Hudgens). I gave not really a crap about this, unless I got to see that b. And alas, I have not. So I pretty much felt like this:
That is until a couple of days ago, when the plot started to thicken on this ish. That's when I found out that THE BIEBS was here! Staying right down the street from me, at the Vinoy.
I hear that this place is haunted, so I secretly hope that the ghost of Abagail Adams (???) haunted him and he tee-teed in the bed. Fingers crossed! THIS B supposedly spent $18k IN ONE FRIGGIN' NIGHT. Okay, Justin Bieber! I see you! Ridic.
It gets even closer to home for me. Sunday night, these two little love muffins were seen at the sports bar NEXT DOOR to my damn apartment. What the what?
Here's my professional photograph. They obviously have nice garbage receptacles. So here's the haps from my source, who happens to be my radio host friend, Holly. She talked to a waitress over at Ferg's (the lovely bar pictured) that said that Selena and Biebs ALLEGEDLY got a little crunk on purple drank (not literally). They apparently were drinkin' and fightin' like they were on an epi of Teen Mom. The Bieb-ster stormed out after a fight, and later came back to hang more. See? Celebs are just like us!
(That was strictly a recreation, and not really a Justin Bieber video.)
I saw this beauty cruising down the interstate today, and I REALLY hope that those two crazy kids are shacked up inside.
Yes, that is an airbrushed portrait of cuddling white tigers on the back of an RV.
P.S. For some reason every time that I type "Justin Bieber" I almost always type "Justin Beaver." Coincidence? I think not...
So, um hi guys. I know a lot of you are all, "And you are???" I know. I haven't blogged in about 8 million years. But I got a retail job a few weeks ago, and I've been busy y'alls! (Worst excuse of the year? 'Haps.) BUT, I just got a new computer and I made a pact with myself that I would blog AT LEAST four times a week. Mmmmkay? Mmmmkay. Now that that nonsensical madness is out of the way, let's discuss this.
TWEEEEEEE! (Okay, so "TWEEEEE!" is what I say in my mind when I see something I like that is completely age inappropriate for me to be into. See: Hunger Games, Hello Kitty, pretty pink stuff.) So here's Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games premiere. Um, if this ish isn't TWEEEEE-rific, I don't know what the eff is. Katniss is looking all kinds of minx-y in this getup. Everything is a big ol' YEEEEAAAAS for me on this.
What do you guys think? Into it? Feel like vomiting? (Maybe you had some bad shellfish.)
P.S. I'm thinking of doing a a Hunger Games makeup tutorial vid. Probably something Effie Trinket-ish.
Would you guys like that? Still want to vomit? Let a sister know.
Well lookie here, butter beans. Zac Efron dropped a gold wrapped condom at The Lorax movie premiere. WHICH IS AN ANIMATED CHILDREN'S MOVIE. I have several thoughts on this:
1. A gold wrapper usually means it is a Magnum size. (Don't pretend you w's don't know what that means. We're all trash here.) Yeah, no.
2. SOME PEOPLE (ahem, me) think that ol' Zacy poo *allegedly* wanted to use said condom for random hook ups with random hot men that might be attending The Zorax premiere (????).
3. SOME PEOPLE (side eye) think that the only other possibility is that Zac wanted to make balloon animals for orphans attending the movie. (Zac's PR people are feverishly typing excuse emails containing this explanation. You're welcome, b's!)
4. Last possibility: That cold hearted minxy snake Taylor Swift planted that mess in her co-stars pocket. Don't let her new bangs fool you. I see you, Swift.
Do you like to be super cheap, but still get good crap? Because I sure do! (Duh!) It's not an ideal combo, because you might end up not getting anything that great...Well ever. (Double duh!) But today is an exception! (Double yay!)
There's currently a sale going on over on UrbanDecay.com, and that ish is at least 50% off. That includes one of my super makeup staples, the Primer Potion. If you have never used UD Primer Potion, listen you cray b (Hey cray b's! Love you!), your world is about to get rocked. Hardcore style. (Gross.) There is NOTHING that makes your eye makeup last longer, or become more vibrant than using PP. NOTHING, I TELL YOU!!!
They haven't changed the formulation or anything, just the packaging. The sale PP is in the older style 'genie bottle'. There are some issues with this packaging (which is I'm sure why they are kiboshing this mess), but don't worry I know how to get around it!
Just when you think that you have used every bit of the Primer Potion, you ain't seen nothin' yet, sweet cheeks. You'll need to take out the wand of the bottle, then grab a big ass knife (It's a technical term). Take the b.a. knife (shortened technical term) and cut all the way through the container. It doesn't really matter where, whatever seems fancy to you. Now that you have cut through, you will see all that goodness that you were about to throw out. You silly ninny! Now take your wand from the bottle and scoop out all of that amazingness and put it in an air-tight container. I used an old eye cream vat. Once again, do what you want. I'm not your mama. (Copyright: Dinosaurs, circa 1992)
Enough about the genie bottle. They have a ton of mess on sale, including eye liner, glittery makeup bags, and even this year's Book of Shadows. And the Book of Shadow is all Jeston-esque and ish. It comes pre-loaded with makeup tutorials and portable speakers. What the what???
Okay, I'm done giving it up for Urban Decay for nothing. But ish is good. Guess I am that kind of girl...
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We all know that, sadly, we lost Whitney Houston today. It is a very sad time for all of us. We have lost a wonderfully talented, yet tragically tortured artist. So in effort to lift all of our spirits, I present to you the one thing that will forever bring a little light to my life every time that I view it.
You're welcome.
On the real, RIP Whitney. We were all rooting for you. Oh, and I see you, Bobby.
I effin' love Mob Wives. If you don't watch this hottest of a hot mess, you are so missing out. This Funny or Die video is pretty damn spot on. Especially Renee.
My favorite style icon from Mob Wives is hands down Big Ang. I'm seriously in love with this woman. She and I are kindred spirits. Leopard? Dark hair? Those lips?
Are you guys watching this ish? Let's talk about it.
P.S. Yes, that second Big Ang portrait tattoo is mine. Get off my jock.
I love a good greased-up appendage. (Not like that, sick brain!) I have always preferred a crazy, super-heavy, moisturizing body lotion/oil/greasy fun product. It's my mom's fault. When I was a kid, she was constantly slathering on her Nivea body lotion (not to mention tanning oil), and let me tell you, that b had the softest skin EVA! Over the years, I have developed my own beauty list of my favorites, and now I am here to share them with my homegirls!
First up is Nivea Creme. It is SER-I-OUS. I poo poo you not. I started using this mess in high school, so it's my O.G. (That's Original Gansta for you youngins.) jam. It makes your skin really shiny, which I really love! It's around $8 at your local general store. (Like the old west!)
Ugh, you guys. Cocoa butter isn't just for pregnant chicks' bellies anymore. I LOVE cocoa butter. Especially Palmer's. It's so rich and creamy and ridiculously moisturizing. And is SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE. Need I say more? CHOCOLATE! This badass b is around $5, and you can pretty much snag it anywhere. (I mean probably not Hot Topic or anything, but you get my point.)
P.S. Store it upside down so you can get it out more easily! See, I'm helpful!
Palmer's is the Thelma to my Louise, but I did find another cocoa butter that I'm kind of into. I was at Target, and I wanted some cocoa butter (shocker) and the Boot's Cocoa Butter Body Butter was on sale for $8.50 (It's usually $9.99) so I picked it up. Sadly, when I got it home and opened it, I saw that somebody had stuck their grubby little paws all up in my Kool Aid. There were finger drag marks galore. Gross. And I had already thrown out my receipt. What's a nasty girl to do? USE THAT ISH! And you know what? I don't regret it. My legs are so soft right now, that it's worth the risk of Scabies and Typhoid Fever (Oregon Trail style).
Now hang on a second. I know you're going to think that I'm crazy. I like to use coconut oil as a body lotion. Slightly unconventional? Maybe. But it worked so well as a hair mask that I thought I would try it as a moisturizer. I liked that ish! Yes, it's oily. But it absorbs into the skin after a couple of minute, so hang on hussy! You can buy coconut oil at specialty grocery and health food stores. It has a bajillion (I counted.) uses!
That's it my squishy, oiled-up minxes! Do you guys like to grease yourself up like you're about to jump into kiddie pool with another chick? Or are you more of a tame, lightly moisturized lady? Let's talk.
If you arrived at this blog by googling "Snooki 98 pounds hot nude pics" or "snooki 98 pounds naked" (And, yes, people did.), you can pump your brakes sir/madame. That ish will not be found up in this piece.
Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.
I have told you b's before that I am cheap. I don't really know why, it's just a thing. And while I will shell out the major dough for stuff that I love, it is always the best EVER to find great beauty products on the cheap. I've shared some of my favorites in the past, but in the past few months I have found some new goodies. Yay! Let's do this ish!
I love this b. This is Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Set, available at Target for $9.99. Let me tell you, this is the business right hurr. This picture doesn't really reflect the true colors of the concealers, they are lighter in actuality. There are three colors for you to create the perfect shade to match your skin, and the bottom right square is a translucent powder to set what you have concealed! What, what? Are you at Target yet? I also just discovered while writing this that this is an Allure 'Best of Beauty' award winner. So you don't just have to trust my ass!
Next up is L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner, which is like a low-rent version of Wen. I have never used Wen, so I can't compare it directly, but I have used Hair One which is another cleansing conditioner. BTW, just exactly WTF is a 'cleansing conditioner'? It takes the place of your shampoo AND conditioner, and it doesn't strip your hair. Anyway, this ish is fierceness in a bottle. When I tried Hair One I:
Needless to say, I had not so high hopes for the L'Oreal cleansing conditioner. But you know what? It was:
Seriously, try it. It's like $7 at wherever you would like to purchase such items. Score.
Keeping with the L'Oreal love fest, I have a new drugstore mascara obsession. I'm so on L'Oreal's jock right now; I hate when I'm a brand w. So annoying! Anyway, I am really into L'Oreal Voluminous mascara. It's reminiscent of Lancome's Hypnose, which no doy (!!!), L'Oreal and Lancome are owned by the same parent company! Yay for cheap and glorious! This is $7 or $8 depending on if you are a Walmart kind of girl ($7) or a CVS chick ($8, but get them Extra Care Bucks honey boo boo!).
I actually have ANOTHER L'Oreal product that I really like, but I'll save it for later. I'm tired of talking about them. You guys are going to think that I'm on payroll or some ish. Please b, I wish.
Do you guys have any drugstore faves? What are your cheap down ass b's?
Seriously, Wiig? I hope that this is how we got here: Kristen was playing memory lane dress up (where you put on weird crap that you own from a million years ago) right before the SAG Awards, and she threw on her most heinous choker from circa '98. (She's funny! It amuses her!) Meanwhile, her friend was ironically (hilariously) gluing on Lee brand press-on nails right behind her. Somehow the nail glue droplets fell into the choker's attaching apparatus thingy, locking the horrible choker onto Wiig's neck! And Wiig has a scissor phobia, so she doesn't keep any in her house, rendering her completely unable to remove the gross choker! At this point, she just has to throw on her decent but pretty 'meh' dress and skedaddle!
That's the only possible explanation. Or a wild west posse forced her to wear that mess at gunpoint. That's it.
P.S. I don't care that it's some old ass Fred Leighton bougie bougie boo boo stuff. A mess is a mess is a mess.
Listen, young lady. I know you think this all cool and ish, but one day it won't be. And isn't getting 'Thug Life' tattooed in PINK kind of an oxymoron? And John Lennon does not endorse this action. But you know where the poster of your t-shirt image does belong?
This is completely unrelated, but the title of this post forced my brain to go here...
Don't act like your grown ass didn't just sit here and watch that entire video. And don't act like Britney wasn't super hot then! Blerg!
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Are you guys into The Hunger Games? Or you all, "Hello...That's a Young Adult series, and I am grown and sexy!" (P.S. If you really did just think that, Mom, stop reading this blog and go back to reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) If you aren't on the H.G. train yet, you better hop the hell on, b! The movie of the first book comes out in March, and the buzz keeps building. Adding to the fabulousity is the newly created Capitol Couture site, which shows off the hottest H.G. fashions, starting with ol' Effie Trinket. (Duh.)
Ugh! How much are you dying right now??? Hopefully we will get more sneak peeks as we get closer to the release of the movie. But now, I have to go powder my face (literally) and get a pink wig. (Yay for two semi-Britney Spears references in one completely unrelated post!)
*Seriously, who marries/has kids with this person?
No, this isn't about the flatlining of Heidi Klum and Seal's marriage, which totally brings the sadness, BTW. This is SERIOUS! Former Mr. Spears level seriousity! (Yep, not a word. Don't google it.) According to TMZ (They also have a couple pics), Kevin Federline was hospitalized in Australia for signs of a heart attack. Seeing that K Fed looks like he's DEEEEP into his third trimester, this ish isn't THAT surprising. But, dang, b is only 33! Honey Boo Boo, you better get this right. Your kids by your three (!!!) babies' mamas need their diiiiddy! (Don't sue me, real Diddy.)
*This post is totally notendorsed by Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman. They do NOT approve.
#1 How to rock a winged eyeliner and a red lip.
You're probably thinking, "But I don't know HOW to put on liquid eyeliner! That ish is crazy hard! What am I? An alien princess? And red lipstick? That mess looks turrrrible on my skin tone!" Number one, maybe you are an alien. I don't know your life like that. Number two, you are not yet dead, because you are currently reading this. So you have time to master the liquid! Once you get the hang of it, you're golden. Trust. I even made a video on it a while ago to get you started!
As far as red lipstick goes, there is a shade for EVERYONE. Go see your local, friendly makeup artist if you need help finding a shade, mmmkay? This is a timeless look, and takes about 30 seconds to acheive. It will instantly add a big ol' pinch of glamour to your life!
#2 How to masterfully walk in heels.
I don't care if you are more of a flats girl, a flip flop girl, or even a kitten heel (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) kind of lady, you need to know how to walk easily in a high heel. You never know where your life might take you! What if you are kidnapped by a crazy shiek and forced into an international beauty pagaent? What if Courtney Stodden gets remarried next year, and she has chosen you to be a bridesmaid? You can't turn that train wreck down just beacuse of your baby fawn-like wobbly ankles! Seriously, learn this. Mandatory.
#3 Figure out what style of jeans look best on YOUR body.
We all know that jeans are a warbrobe staple. You can wear them while you eat Cheetos on the couch, and use them to double as a denim napkin. You can wear them for a w'y (Do you get where I'm going here?) night out on the town, and when you wake up in a park or whatever you won't look THAT out of place. (Yikes, that sounds like a case for Olivia Benson.) Whatever, they are versatile.
BUT, not every style of jeans look great on everyone. But I promise you that there is a style that will make your butt look the best and your legs longer. Just because something is trendy at the time, doesn't mean it will work for you. Think about Jennifer Anniston for a sec. Do you recall ever seeing her in skinny jeans? I don't. She almost exclusively wears bootcut denim, and looks really hot in them. Case closed.
#4 How to accessorize the mess out of a super plain outfit.
There's a reason why things like the little black dress and jeans and a tank are popular. It's because they are ridiculously easy to wear and can be styled in a million different ways! Now the only issue that you have is how to make the most out of these plain outfits. Necklaces, earrings, belts, scarves, blazers and jackets will save your style in these cases. Even when you are low on fund-age, you can make your wardrobe work (make, make it work) by using what you already have in your closet look new every third day.
#5 Know how to dye your own hair (in a pinch).
Now, obvs the pros do this ish way better. But in an extreme roots/botched color job emergency, we all need to know how to fix that sitch. Once again on this one, once you get the hang of it, it's super easy. Just don't get too cray cray if you are very inexperienced. You will look a hot mess. The first time I dyed my own hair, I looked just like Carrot Top (with less eyeliner).
#6 Come to terms with your flaws, and work the hell out of your assets.
We are our own biggest critics, duh. Trust me, I know all of my flaws dearly and intimately. Have I accepted them? Oh hell no. My skin, my legs, my nose, my teeth, we could be here all day. We can't have it all! (A dermatologist once told me that when I asked him if my skin would ever look good. Yay! Thanks for the pep talk!) So, obviously, I'm still really working on this one.
BUT, we all also have some amazing assets. I like my eyebrows...Maybe you have great legs! Or lips! Or boobs! Or hair! Whatever your amazingness may be, focus on it and highlight it to the best of your ability.
What do you guys think should be on the beauty bucket list? What do you want to learn/do before you kick it?
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Actually the weirdest thing about this picture is not the fact that C Stodd is wearing lucite heels while jogging (Is it pronounced yaw-ging?), it's the fact that b now has a bodyguard. What in f's sake does she need security? Are those diamond-encrusted stripper shoes? B, please. And homeboy needs to go visit a Men's Warehouse, ASAP. That is an ill-fitting mess of a blazer if I have ever seen one.
I told you guys a while back that C Stodd was making a Funny or Die video. Weeeell, looky here. It sucks. And I really like Jason Alexander (not the Britney Spears ex-husband one). Remember when George Costanza blamed 'shrinkage'? Awesome. But this? No.
P.S. I'm holding myself back from making a "No soup for you!" reference, because I do have a modicum of dignity. (No I don't.)
I love yoga, and I get bored doing the same mess over and over. This vid is from yoga instructor extraordinaire, Sadie Nardini. There are four parts to this workout, and you can check out her entire YouTube channel here, where she has a ton of videos. This one even includes a handstand. Yay! Fun! Now you can yoga your little heart out anytime/anywhere.
Do you guys like yoga? What are your favorite workouts?
But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be giving them 'mystery juice' of any kind. Isn't that what Michael Jackson ALLEGEDLY gave kids back in the day? Ummm...Yeah, no.
P.S. I'm totally changing my name to Alana. Because that girl is the truth.
P.P.S. My new catchphrase is now, "Give me a dollar, make me holla honey boo boo child."
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