GUUUUUURL Of The Day (And Also) Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Nick Cannon's Dumb Effing Hair (Topless)

Nick Cannon is really annoying me, you guys. He's one of those people that I have never really gotten on board with comedy-wise, acting-wise, music-wise, or anything else-wise, so I just kind of overlook him. Like the cheese daily serving section of the food pyramid. (GD-it, I love cheese.)

BUT THIS BULLSHIT CANNOT BE IGNORED, AND I'M IRRITATED. What kind of nonsense is Nick Cannon trying to pull on his head area here? I am not exaggerating when I say that my raver friend did this to his hair in the late 90s. Dude is 15 years late and a box of chocolate brown hair dye short. Please do yourself a disservice and look at this pic from US Weekly of him showing off his dumb hair. This is ridiculous.

At least he had the common decency to take his damn top off in the second Instagram pic. Not all is lost I guess, because I get to be extra super lazy and combine two posts into one.

Congratulations, Mr. Cannon-Carey. You're the Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday recipient, so there's...that. I need to go eat cheese.




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I'm Changing the Name of This Blog to whatisjustinbieberdoingtoday.com

No, I'm not. BUT I totally could. Because sh*t like this keeps happening.



Lemme break it down for you, here. Not only is baby boo driving a mf-ing LEOPARD PRINT car that everyone on Jerseylicious is super jealous of (is that show still on?), but Biebs needs front and back black SUV coverage while driving. I was just thisclose to making a wildly inappropriate joke about that sentence. If Mama Biebs (who I feel is my age peer) doesn't get this mess under control, I will sign up to Supernanny this b*tch. And there won't be any "You is kind, you is smart, you is important," kind of niceties happening.

Seriously though, I have to get this JB constant talk under control. We have much more important ish to take care of here.

Back to the grind.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Eva Longoria's Ex-Dude Tattoos

pic via tmz

Eva Longoria has been divorced from that Tony Parker dude for a while now. So she's apparently getting her THREE tattoos that are dedicated to his ass lasered off, which seems like a good idea. One is even allegedly near/on/in close proximity to her lady business/swimsuit area. So here's the thing, E Long. One should probably not get a gentleman's name tattooed on any no-no spot. If that mess doesn't work out -- which it did not in this case -- that's just a sticky-icky sitch down there. (Gross. Sorry.) How are you supposed to get on with your life, and read your book club book in the tub or whatever, when you keep seeing ol' guv'nor's name all up in your place?

So ladies, (I'm looking at you, too, Angie Jolie. BILLY BOB THORNTON? Really?) can we please stop tattooing guys' names on our flowery bits? If you're feeling crazy, go vajazzle yourself until your heart's content. And for that, Eva, you and your ex-man tattoos are the GUUUURL of the day.




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And Everything was Going so Well!

Pic via Marie Claire UK

Just when my girl's looking all hot and ish, we have to go here. Cray shirt, string choker, and sweater uggs. Come on, honey boo boo. Can I PLEASE put your outfits out on the bed for you every morning like our moms did in elementary school? (Not mine. B, please. I wore whatever my crazy ass felt like.)

You guys think I'm joking about Brit Brit's outfits, but look at my goal that I wrote for work:

 

I ain't playin'.

 

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Ummm...

Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.


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The Big Ol' WTF From the SAG Awards

 

Seriously, Wiig? I hope that this is how we got here: Kristen was playing memory lane dress up (where you put on weird crap that you own from a million years ago) right before the SAG Awards, and she threw on her most heinous choker from circa '98. (She's funny! It amuses her!) Meanwhile, her friend was ironically (hilariously) gluing on Lee brand press-on nails right behind her. Somehow the nail glue droplets fell into the choker's attaching apparatus thingy, locking the horrible choker onto Wiig's neck! And Wiig has a scissor phobia, so she doesn't keep any in her house, rendering her completely unable to remove the gross choker! At this point, she just has to throw on her decent but pretty 'meh' dress and skedaddle! 

That's the only possible explanation. Or a wild west posse forced her to wear that mess at gunpoint. That's it.

P.S. I don't care that it's some old ass Fred Leighton bougie bougie boo boo stuff. A mess is a mess is a mess.

P.P.S. Her makeup looks pretty.


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Did Rihanna Really Get 'Thug Life' Tattooed on Her Fingers?

Listen, young lady. I know you think this all cool and ish, but one day it won't be. And isn't getting 'Thug Life' tattooed in PINK kind of an oxymoron? And John Lennon does not endorse this action. But you know where the poster of your t-shirt image does belong?

End of Discussion.


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Why Do I Feel Funny?

With the recent leak of the cover, I have been feverishly thinking (Not that way, sick brains!) about Lindsay Lohan's soon to be released Playboy issue. I mean, there is a lot of potential for awkwardness. It had to be re-shot, so what kind of crap was produced in the first go-round? Was this pre or post fixing the meth teeth? I can't remember, and I'm too freaking lazy to google it. Am I on meth?

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about celebrities posing for Playboy or simply being on the cover. There have been a lot. Some good, some bad, some that are just...awkward. So here's my list of the top five most awkward celebrity Playboy cover models and/or pictorials.

Honorable (or horrible) Mention: Shannen Doherty in German (???) Playboy

What in the hell IS this? Nobody does this to Brenda Walsh's face! This mess looks like it was painted by a blind monk that worked as Kelly Taylor dictated. Hell to the naw! (Copyright: Whitney Houston)

# 5 Teri Polo

I personally enjoy my Teri Polo starring alongside the likes of Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro in family friendly-ish films, not attempting to mouth love a strawberry and showing me her hootenanny. No ma'am.

# 4 Carnie Wilson, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson (TIE!)

I can declare a tie! Shut your mouth. Don't get me wrong, they all looked great for their a-hem "spreads" (I'm sorry, gross.), but this is how I like and picture my Carnie, Tiffany, and Debbie (I'm not calling you Debrah) Gibson.

Now THIS is glamor, okay Carnie? Tell me you can tear your eyes away from those earrings. I dare you!

Can't you just SMELL the Electric Youth perfume wafting from this photo? And that hat? It beats boobs any day, any time.

 

Speaking of hats, can you even with this? Because I sure as hell can! This picture is what happens when a festive Christmas wreath marries a door knocker and births a ginger angel.

# 3 Latoya Jackson

We all know that Toy Toy is the cray cray of the Jackson clan (which is really saying something), but on the real I can't even mess with this cover. Between the studded jacket, those nails, and the glitter star earring that's bigger than her face, I can't even hate on this magical carpet ride.

# 2 Donald Trump

Why? And...No.

# 1 Candice Bergen

This is like finding a video of your parents doing it. Just a whole big ol' bag of no. What would Murphy Brown say about this? I would rather see Miles and the painter/handyman/whatever that dude did in a warm embrace than this. (I want to see that anyway.)

At least she didn't get nakey. That's something her shoulder pads could never unsee. Pin It

I Can't Believe I Forgot to Talk About This Mess

 I have MAJOR love for Shannen Doherty. She is one of my favorite humanoids. If you don't love Brenda Walsh, I just can't even with you. But this ish is freaking ridiculous. I can't even co-sign this for my favorite homegirl. The first time I saw this, I got a huge case of the WTF's. Are things that bad, S. Doh? Do you need a personal loan or something? You are better than this. You're endorsing a college that says go to class in your pajamas. I need my b back! I need some c-face, and some rude side eye knives thrown at Kelly Taylor's bland ass! Not this. Pin It

Too. Much.

Michelle Duggar announced on the Today show this morning that she is pregnant with her 20th child. Yes, like as in two zero. Listen, b. This is too much. Michelle and her last child ALMOST DIED during her pregnancy. What are you doing??!?!? Do you want to die in childbirth, Oregon Trail style? I know the Duggars don't believe in birth control, so tell ol' Jim Bob (Isn't that creepy face's name?) to keep on steppin' when it comes to the bedroom activities. My lady parts hurt for you! Pin It

Is Nothing Sacred???

Jennifer Lopez is producing and probably STARRING in a live-action remake of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, according to Deadline. I am not okay with this. (But I am okay with JLo's earrings here. Hey, girl!) Seriously, what the eff is next? Tom Cruise starring in a remake of Oregon Trail? Just because you like to wear hats, b, doesn't mean you can be Carmen Sandiego. No ma'am! Next! Pin It

Every Woman is Jealous.

I am jealous. I'm jealous that I lost my Caboodle in '93 and I can't find my exact match to that lipstick shade C Stod is rocking. I'm jealous that I have searched every Body Shop and Rave around, and I still can't find an arm cuff like that. Blerg!

But seriously, how did this girl become the alleged person that is now Courtney Stodden? Get on that, Rubix Cube solvers. There's your puzzle. Pin It

Um, J Love?

Picture via TMZ

Listen, you vagazzling cray cray. Just because Kim Kardashian's face doesn't even resemble Kim Kardashian anymore, doesn't mean we need a replacement. We're good. In fact, we're over capacity. But please make more prostitute/masseuse Lifetime movies. Those are awesome. Thanks, b!

Sincerely,
America

P.S. Take that dress off. It's not 2009. Pin It