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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Ice Ice Baby's 90's Semi-Nude Pictorial

pic via buzzfeed
Today is Vanilla Ice's 45th birthday, you guys. (Damn, I'm an old b.) And in celebration, here is a topless picture of homeslice from -- I'm assuming -- roughly 1991. B UNDID HIS OVERALLS FOR US. And I think I spy with my little eye a lil' airbrushing on them there pantalones. Bleh. I just 150% (Maury guest style) can't handle one bit of this. There is literally not one place I can comfortably rest my eyes on this photograph. Luckily, I took a picture of my reaction face to looking at this for the first time.


I apologize for my lack of "FACE" I'm giving in this, but this is real life in this b. Sorry, Icey, this is not cute.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
Tonight is Halloween. (duh) That means if you don't clean your ish up tonight, after a wild night of crazy faced debauchery, you will look a hot, hot mess tomorrow. Go read my Allure blog for tips on how to clean up your Halloween hair and makeup mess.



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Happy Halloween, You Scandalous B's!

I know that this is turning into an "I heart Richard Simmons" blog, but I don't give an eff.



I also have another favorite Halloween video to set yo' ass off today.



Now go get your slutty baby doll costume on, or whatever. Get that candy, girl!


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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rihanna's Expensive Ass Album

pic via ri ri's instagram
Rihanna is coming out with a new album November 16th, called Unapologetic, which is a completely appropriate title. Why? She is selling a "deluxe" copy of the CD for effing $250! IN THIS ECONOMY?!? ( I really love saying that.) But seriously, that's friggin' insane. According to US Weekly, here's what you get for that quarter thou:

Described as a "limited edition art piece for a true collector," the Diamonds Executive Platinum Box comes packed with super-exclusive extras, including a handwritten personal note from the star and a custom-made white-and-silver View-Master with a "vintage reel of never-before-released 3-D images" of her style evolution.

Fans who purchase the set will also get a T-shirt, a two-gigabyte flash drive with Rihanna's photo on it, seven art-print lithographs, seven laptop stickers, a poster, a 40-page book of notes and lyrics, a 20-minute DVD, and a special-edition vinyl record featuring remixes of the hit "Diamonds."

Oh, you get a View-Master! Nevermind, ish is TOTALLY worth it. And she's going to write you a post-it note, or something. Enjoy, richie riches!




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Random Homie: Skin Authority Daily Cleanser

Have I mentioned that my skin is total ish? Oh, yeah -- I have -- about 239,206 times. Yay! Because of this mess of a face, I have to be extremely careful about the products that I use. I first tried the Skin Authority Daily Cleanser when they sent me a travel sample several months ago. I was really into it, so I ended up buying the full size when I ran out. It's not cheap ($42 for 6 oz.), but a little bit of this stuff goes a loooong way. I have been using the tube for at least five months, and it still feels pretty much full. It also has a little bit of Glycolic Acid in it, so it really helps exfoliate and deeply clean the skin, which is EXACTLY what my grossness needs. When I use the Daily Cleanser with my Clarisonic, my face feels super crazy clean. And soft!
"I'm clean! I'm clean!"

I have tried other cleansers over the past months, but I just keep coming back to my ol' standby. The others just haven't been as good for me. So pretty much what I'm saying is, once you go to this dude, you never go back. (Or something else that rhymes more appropriately.)



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Sandy is Effing With NKOTB

Donnie Walhberg's apartment was flooded, thanks to that no good b, Sandy. He posted a series of videos to his Twitter account, showing the damage. Doesn't she know that Donnie's the bad boy? He doesn't play.



Ugh, that b. On the serious, BE CAREFUL! I wish I could slap that Sandy ho.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: That B, Sandy

Update: Sandy really is a b*tch. I hope all of the NYC-er's are safe and sound. It looks scary as hell up there! I'm thinking about you, boos.
pic via nydailynews
Hurricanes are a mutha effin' pain in the ass, aren't they? I've lived in FL my entire life, so trust, I know. And this Sandy trick is no joke. So all of you people in her path be careful, you hear me? Everytime I hear Hurricane Sandy, I picture this in my head:


For those of you that are under 30, you probably don't recognize this Sandy. This is Sandy Duncan, actress of the 80's and before, that I had always known to have a glass eye. It was a much talked about/fodder for annoying 80's comics kind of deal. WHICH I found out when researching just now (Shut up. I read ish sometimes.) ISN'T EVEN TRUE. She is blind in one eye, but that puppy is au naturale. I feel like my childhood was a lie.

I know Sandy Duncan from the show Valerie, which became the show Valorie's Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogans. Damn, that's a torrid show title history. But really, I remember the show because it starred Jason Bateman as one of the sons.

That's him, on the left.
When Jason Bateman's career had an initial resurgence a few years ago, I was like, "That's the dude from the show with the lady with the glass eye!"



Wow. The 80's were a helluva thing, weren't they?

P.S. You don't have to thank me for spending precious minutes of your life with this rambling, nonsensical mess. Sandy's (the hurricane) is a b face. I'm done.


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Monday, October 29, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Guess Who, Who, Who Got an Owl Tattoo?

You can go ahead and virtually punch me in the face for that stupid ish. The answer is Justin Bieber.

And I know this because I follow Biebs on instagram, and am freely accepting your judgement for this. He added the owl tatt next to his Ask Jeeves tattoo, which is a nice accompaniment. (No! It's not an Ask Jeeves tattoo. That would just be silly. Errmmm.) It also looks like the owl might be perched on a paint brush or a broom. So it's either a witch or artist owl. Yay!



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Can a B Eat a Meatball Sub Without Being Called Knocked Up?

pic via dailymail
Over the weekend, hoes were spouting off all over the place that Mila Kunis was looking SUUUUUPER pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's annoying baby. To which I give a big "B please."


Homegirl doesn't look pregnant, she looks like someone that might have just eaten a meal. And is drinking a lot of tea (or whatever the eff she's drinking). Get off ladies' uterus' jocks, internets. I'm more concerned about those capri pants.



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Random Homie: SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Seed Oil


I'm going to be real with you right know. It's hard to write/review about a supplement. So when the nice SeabuckWonders people sent me supplements to try, I was excited. But while I was taking the SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Seed Oil, (I took the softgels) I was really unsure how to review it. I'm no chemist, and I'm not super observant, so I'm probably the worst person to even be doing this mess. And also let me preface by saying that I have really bad skin. Like acne for almost 20 yrs kind of skin. Yeah, it's pretty friggin' awesome. And fun.


ANYWAY, while I was taking the supplement, I felt like my skin looked a lot better than normal. I wasn't breaking out, and I didn't have to wear as much foundation, which is like UNHEARD of for my horrid-ness. But I didn't really attribute it to the Sea Buckthorn, yet. (Remember? Not observant? Worst beauty blogger, ever?) Then after I ran out of the supplement, ish really went down. I totally broke out. Like insane breaking out. Like, I'm still dealing with the repercussions. (Yay!)

So, needless to say, I am going to buy ONE MILLION MORE BOTTLES of this stuff. I'm also trying the liquid on my face, mixing a few drops with my normal lotions/concoctions. I'll let you know how that experiment works out.

Oh, and if you think that I'm weird and don't want to listen to my crazy ass, Dr. Oz also featured these products and talked about how sea buckthorn has been shown to improve the appearance of skin, help with digestion, and possibly help b's lose weight. He totally said "b's." (No, he absolutely did not.) So read up on it, and see if you think I might be something cool for your life. See, I'm awkward as eff. I don't know how to do this. So let's finish this up by watching this adorableness.



Now, I'm going to slather myself in sea buckthorn. Good day to you all.




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Friday, October 26, 2012

Random Homie: Revlon Top Speed Fast Dry Nail Enamel in Sterling


Have ya' heard? I'm a lazy ass b. So when it comes to painting any phalanges (Does that include toes, too?), I have a less than stellar track record.

pic via unitedstatesoftony
 So when Revlon gave me one of the new Top Speed Nail Enamels in Sterling, I was pumped to try it. Any time saved that I can spend lying around is a major bonus to me. One issue that I have had in the past with fast drying polishes is that they tend to bubble or the finish on the polish is funky as hell. I used two coats of polish and finished with a top coat, and the finish was super shiny and smooth. And it dried really fast. (I don't have the specifics or anything, I'm not an effin' scientist up in here.)

All I know is that I'm sold. So go search out your local drustores/wherever you choose to purchase your ish and try this mess. It's the monkey's mittens. (I'm over the cat's pajamas.)






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The Best Part of Waking Up is Richard Simmons in Yo' Cup

all pics via buzzfeed
Nothing screams, "Eff yeah, LIFE!" like a Richard Simmons collage. I love this b so much, that I wish I were him on the daily. How can you look at a picture of a man wearing huge craft balls glued to his person and not scream, "YAAAAAAAAASSSSS!" in your heart? But that outfit reminds me of something...


I'm not even going to ask "Who wore it better?" because, b please. My Simms has CURLING GIFT RIBBON on his glasses. That wins every time. Pshaw, Nicki Minaj. I bid you good day.



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Thursday, October 25, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Keanu Reeves' Turrible, Turrible Facial Hair

pic via celebitchy
Keanu Reeves is a hot ho, but homeboy is pushing the damn limits in this b. That facial hair looks like he shaved a nutria and glued its hair on his face, and not even particularly well. That ish is NOT an effin' complement.
I haven't seen a beard this bad since Justin Timberlake's neckbeard of circa '07.


That crap made rage boil inside my veins. Don't look surprised, Timberlake. You know you look like a friggin' asshat. Gross beards are the Devil's playground, and that is my public service announcement for dudes that are fighting the hot. Clean it up, fellas. Not. Cute. And for that, Keanu, you and your old timey hobo beard are the GUUUURL of the day.




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Donald Draper Brings the Hardcore Sexy...In Short Shorts.

pic via buzzfeed
Look at Jon Hamm with dem daisy dukes on, evvvverybody!



The Hammburgler is obviously filming for Mad Men, and this is not his reg bathing costume attire. I don't even care if he wears this ish as a swim suit, I'd still be into it.


Jon Hamm's ass can do no wrong in my book.


You do you, boo.


 

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Get Out Your Pen and Paper -- Your Holiday Wish List Will Start Here.

You. Guys. There are collectable Jem and the Holograms dolls coming out! And look how badass they are. (Except for the fact that Jem is being assaulted by the doll stand. Yikes.) But besides that...

via mrhankey
And the Jem dolls don't stop there. You can also get boring ass Jerrica.


Or for the dude in your life, Rio. (Who is wearing pantent leather boat shoes.)


You can also get Synergy or "Classic" Jem (AKA pink pleather dress) if that's more your bag. If you are a rich b, you can see where to buy this mess here. By the way, these hoes are $125 each, so you might have to sell your vintage collection of The Babysitters Club to afford this. WWCD? (What would Claudia do? That was my b.)



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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Atreyu From The Neverending Story All Growed Up

pic via buzzfeed
You w's know that The Neverending Story is my perpetual jam. So I'm going to make this little ditty fast, because I went to a spin class (Shut up, I do stuff sometimes.) and I have actually take a shower. Being a grown up can suck it, seriously. Anyway, the cat with the chunky highlight and the gun show is (kind of) current day kid that played Atreyu TNS. Yep. There he is. Mmmmkay.

In other news, I hope he got to keep that sweet, sweet snake pendant necklace. I've been trying to buy one like that for like 20 years. And you know he kept that tunic and still wears it. I can see it in his arched eyebrow.



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Random Homie: Redken for Men Clean Brew Extra Cleansing Shampoo

I'm into a dude (shampoo). Here's how it happened. Redken sent me a sample of their Clean Brew shampoo, and after my husband's diva ass refused to try it, I decided to give it a go on my own dirty mop. From Redken:

"Anti grit technology, with a premium blend of malt, brewer’s yeast and orange zest, intensely cleanses to eliminate dirt and oil while helping to purify the scalp."

I thought to myself, "Yep, I need all of that ish. I'm grossly dirty and oily." So I used it, like any boss b would, and I haven't looked back. I like to use this shampoo once or twice a week to get rid of all of my oily/dirty mess. I follow it up with a a semi-deep (Heh.) conditioner, and my hair is like an effin' dream. It smells like a boy, but that doesn't bother me in the least. Clean dudes smell good, right?

I will caution ladies with vibrantly dyed/fragile/dry hair from using this. It could eff up your world. But if you're oily or use a lot of styling products, jump on the dude shampoo clarifying train. There's plenty of room on board for all of us broads. Toot toot!

If you're into it, you can purchase here for about $14.




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BREAKING NEWS: Tracy Morgan (Jordan) Has a Shark Tank


Tracy Morgan on WhoSay

AND IT IS ENCASED IN A FAUX SHARK MOUTH. What would Liz Lemon say about this?

via fakezombieseagoon
Yep. That about sums it up.


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Okay, Okay! JLH Has a Boyfriend.


Jennifer Love Hewitt has vajazzled her way into her The Client List co-star's heart. She has apparently been getting her chitty chitty bang bang on with her kind of sleepy-looking play TV husband, Brian Hallisay, for about eight months. Go 'head, girl, get down. I'm proud of JLH. B hasn't said a PEEP about this ish, and you know she likes to talk. Maybe someone finally dropped some truth bombs on her ass.

Although I kind of wish she was getting it on with her other love interest/brother in law on the show, Colin Egglesfield.


I mean, hey there, soulja. He's hot, so he took off his shirt, but his nips were cold. Okay? Keep up the sexy, Eggs.



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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Poly Sci Tweets

The debate was last night, as you might've known if you want to watch 2 Broke Girls, or whatever, and were totally c-blocked. I love to go on Twitter during the Presidential debates because people get all fired up and ish and it gets super crazy. Little did I know that I was in for a wonderful assault on my eyes and brain, from ol' reliable -- Lindsay Lohan. Here's how it started:


B, what the eff are you talking about? Are you debating a ho? (In case it's not clear, the answer is no.) Why are you nervous? Then came this:

I'm sure that Bill Maher wants to message back and forth with you on your political thought/random nervousness, Lilo. And why did you take the "o" out of God? What is happening here? Well, finally the debate is over, and this pops up:

Oh, she's relieved it's over. EVEN MORE SO THAN THE FRIGGIN' PEOPLE IN THE ACTUAL DEBATE. I can't even with you right now, Lindsay Lohan. This is what it's like following this person on Twitter.
via unitedstatesoftony
And for that, Lindsay, you and your ridiculous political tweets are the GUUUURL of the day.



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Random Homie: ck one Lip Gloss

I know you guys remember ck one from back in the dizzle. I really wanted to use a picture of my pubescent self wearing a ck one t shirt and I don't know, either jorts or umbros, but it wasn't in the cards. So here's an Etsy mannequin wearing one instead.
pic via this person's etsy
I also went through the whole ck one perfume in a bottle that looked somewhat flask-y phase. Whatever, you remember all of that. But then the whole deal kind of fell off of my radar. I moved onto Pleasures, or whatever. Fast forward to (kind of) current day. Some of you guys know that I won a suitcase of product when I won the Allure Beauty Blogger of the Year contest. Here it is:

Yep, that's an ish load of product. So I am going to try and do occasional posts/reviews on all of that stuff as I work my way through.  (Check back with my ass in 84584 years.) And somewhat randomly, today's product is a LIP GLOSS from ck one, which I didn't even know existed. Worst beauty blogger, ever, party of one? But you b's already knew that.
The color is called Illicit, and you can get it at Ulta for $15. This boo boo is my jam right now for times when I want an easy, pinky neutral gloss with some sparkle. It's one of those glosses that you can apply without even looking. It's smooth and not sticky, and smells like a delicious vanilla cookie, or something. And the applicator is boss, too.
Right? Don't you love these kind, instead of those crazy, unwieldly baby brushes? It's also large and in charge, so it's a pretty good value. Okay, I'm sick of talking about factly type ish. Let's look at Ryan Reynolds.
It's that ho's birthday today, so let's all be thankful that all of that is happening on this planet. Viva la abdominals!




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Monday, October 22, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Eva Longoria's Ex-Dude Tattoos

pic via tmz
Eva Longoria has been divorced from that Tony Parker dude for a while now. So she's apparently getting her THREE tattoos that are dedicated to his ass lasered off, which seems like a good idea. One is even allegedly near/on/in close proximity to her lady business/swimsuit area. So here's the thing, E Long. One should probably not get a gentleman's name tattooed on any no-no spot. If that mess doesn't work out -- which it did not in this case -- that's just a sticky-icky sitch down there. (Gross. Sorry.) How are you supposed to get on with your life, and read your book club book in the tub or whatever, when you keep seeing ol' guv'nor's name all up in your place?

So ladies, (I'm looking at you, too, Angie Jolie. BILLY BOB THORNTON? Really?) can we please stop tattooing guys' names on our flowery bits? If you're feeling crazy, go vajazzle yourself until your heart's content. And for that, Eva, you and your ex-man tattoos are the GUUUURL of the day.




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If You Don't Send Me Hate Mail Over This Halloween Video, I Don't Even Know You Anymore.



This is the bottom of the trash heap, people. Enjoy my downward spiral.

Happy Halloween, b faces!


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Friday, October 19, 2012

No.



Ma'am.




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Lana del Rey Makeup Tutorial



I have been straight up obsessed with Lana lately. I don't know WTF my deal is, so I did a little LDR tutorial. Oh, and Lana, we all know that your lips aren't "bee stung." Quit playing, boo.


And then watch Lana's new (controversial) video for Ride. I can't quit this b.





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