Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Vinny Wants You to Pretend That He's Raping You...

 You can file this under "Ummm, No Thanks." That Vinny dude from Jersey Shore wrote a rap, and TMZ has the romantic lyrics:

"I ain't got a girl ... You ain't got a man ...
I've got a date for ya ... and it's in my pants."

The rap continues: 

"Oh you a fan? You wanna take a pic?
I like your crack girl ... I wanna take a hit.
Yeah I'm takin' it ... I'm a get you naked b*tch ...
We can f**k and make it fit... boomin s**t and slatin' it.
Actin' like I'm raping it ...
f** k her til she fakin' it."

But wait, there's more: 

"If I act like a d*ck ... slap me with your t*ts."

 Seriously? What the eff is this mess? I just can't with any of these Jersey Shore h.a.m. sandwiches. Just go swim in your dirty MTV money like Scrooge McDuck and quit rapping about fake raping b's.

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This is Badassness

Check this ish out. On the boutique website you can make your own feather earrings! Now before you're all, "B, that mess is over with. NEXT!" You can put a bunch of different stuff on them, including UNICORN HAIR. Sign me the eff up!

Here are just a few options you can add. A wolf head? A skull thingy? Go check out all the options.

The possibilities are endless! Ahhhhh! What do you guys think? Cute? Or hell to the naaw?

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just Call Her 'Princess Hot Stoddy'

Our (or my) favorite sweet angel talked with the Fab Life, whatever that is, about some mess the other day. Sexy stuff like: I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, clear bra straps (I wish.). I seriously have no idea what the hell she is talking about. Give us more crazy sexy face, Court! And feathers. More feathers!

P.S. I bet if she took that damn arm band off her ish would be green.

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Oh, What a Great Contempo Casuals Catalog Cover From Circa '97

What? This is Scarlet Johansson's current-day Cosmo cover? Oh, well my stars. This is...Not good. That hair is halfway to dreadlock-ville. If b doesn't take an exit to a VO5 Hot Oil Treatment stat, she is in trouble. Is there not a hair shine tool or something on Photoshop?

Maybe I'm just old (shut your w mouth), but Cosmo is the most vapid publication, ever. Every single story is about sex or love. IS THERE NOTHING ELSE? Bleh.

 But on the real, throw on a choker and I would have DIED for this dress in the late nineties. Verdict? Hot.

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Gaga's Expensive Ass Craziness for Barney's

Have you guys heard about Gaga's holiday line with Barney's? Of course all of the clothes, accessories, even food is crazy, ridic expensive. I saw a chocolate shoe that was $95 or something. What the what? No. But I did fall in love with these press-on nails.

I mean, how friggin' cool are these??? I will not be buying them, because they are $45 per set, but I do think that they are badass. I might attempt to emulate them by raiding a Michael's and gluing crap on some regular, old Lee Press On Nails. Too much? Nah, I'm gaudy trash.

What do you guys think? Are you into this? Or do you think they are too hot to handle; too cold to hold?

P.S. If you are a DGAF richie rich, you can buy the Gaga nails here.

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Sign I'm Old/of the Apocalypse: I Bought More Crap From Old Navy, and I Love it, I Love it, I Love it!

Yes, I just won an award for the longest blog title ever.

Thanks, Zac. Zack? Zak? Whatever. Back to ol' Old (I'm old) Navy. I went there on Black Friday ( I know, what the eff?!?) and I actually got some stuff I really like. Do you guys remember this?

Duh...Of course you do. I actually got the pants that the ginger is wearing in the commercial, which I can't find on the Old Navy website. Boo!!! But these are similar.

Here I am, greasy, sweatyish hair and all! But the pants are aweeee-some. They are tight and the least jiggly-like of any workout pant that I have ever had. And bonus points that I don't have a weird baggy area around the frontal crotchal area, which I frequently have in workout gear. I had to fold them down, because I'm super ridic short, but they stayed that way while I worked out.

The sports bra is also from Old Navy, and is also pretty bad ass. It's padded, but not in a porny way, in a not nippley kind of way. I also couldn't find this on the website, but they do have it in black (which I also bought).

So I give two sweaty thumbs up to this ish! In fact, I'm buying more. I'm fifty. Fifty years old!

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Santa's Little Ho Ho Ho?

You know I'm playing, C. Stodd. All I want for Christmas (and Chanukah/Hanukkah) is you, b! Pin It

Aw, Harpsies!

I'm pretty, pretty sure that Harper Beckham is actually a Cabbage Patch Kid. 

P.S. Harper, let me holla' at that headband collection. 

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I'll Show You How: Curl Your Hair With a Flat Iron Edition

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Get That Clip-in Weave Right!

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Radom Ish I Totally Want Right This Second

I would stab a b in the ball of their eye, and do the time for it, for Rose Byrne's sexual mustard yellow leather skirt.

I mean, seriously. Do I need to even comment? Urban Outfitters, $199

I NEED THESE. In every color. J. Crew Vintage Matchstick Cord, $79.50

Um, please and thank you??? Etsy, $21

I heard that this clip-in weave is the bizz-nasss. Luxy Hair, $119.95

Like a boy, but girly! ASOS PREMIUM Mixed Metal Boyfriend Style Watch, $71.88

What is on your wish list right now? Anything crazy? Or just sane items? Pin It

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Good Deals Go Bad (As in Good, Not Bad Bad)

Stila Lip Glazes are some of my favorite lip fancies. I have a bunch of different colors, and I have yet to own one that I didn't like. The normal size, which is .08 oz, retails for $22. Which is pretty pricey for .08 oz of anything, but this ish is pretty, pretty good. So here comes the really good part. Every now and then (usually around the holidays), Stila comes out with a "gift" set (Yeah...Gift for myself! Selfishness = 1, Selflessness = 0!) at Sephora. Right now you can get 8 shades for $25!!! They are a slightly smaller size, .05 oz, but for that price...Gimme, gimme, gimme! You can purchase here if you want to be selfish, yet beautifully lipped. You're welcome, cold hearted snakes! Pin It

Nope. Completely Natural!

I LOVE this photo montage from US Magazine cataloging Kate Gosselin's face over the past several years, and speculating over the procedures that she's had done. The first picture looks like a woman on trial for the murder of her abusive, preacher husband. The most recent looks like a crazy b trying desperately to become a regular on the RHoBH. Oh God, she's probably reading this (You know she has herself on crazy Google alert status updates.), and I just gave her an idea for her next career move. Dammit! Pin It

Am I the Only One Calling Shenanigans On This?

Here's Ben Affleck walking with his cute little chirruns. (Yes, they make me go "Awwww," but we aren't here to discuss toddlers.) What exactly the eff is going on on this man's head? He looks like a creepy college professor on tenure that hits on all of his freshman students. I also feel like 'Fleck usually has kind of curlyish hair, no? So what is this,exactly? A wig? A Brazilian hair straightening treatment? V05 Hot Oil Treatments and a flat iron?

Or am I cray cray, and I should just be commenting on how cool Violet's specs are?

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Ummm, Aren't You Like 3 Months Pregnant?

US Magazine is reporting that ol' Simp face is in talks with Weight Watchers to craft a $4 million weight loss deal for dropping her post-pregnancy weight. I think that she's seriously three or four months along. You don't even know how much you're going to weigh! What if you have like 10 lbs you want to lose? Are you going to just wear those high-waisted jeans that everyone gave you so much hell for to make yourself look worse? So many questions that I still have like half a year to think about!

I mean daaaamn, sister, give yourself a hot ass minute! I guess since she didn't get that $500k for her pregnancy announcement, her dad is toiling away to make up for it. Can't a b just marinate an alien in her belly without getting Lean Cuisines shoved in her pie hole???
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Breaking News: Katy Perry Just Has a FUPA! (Google It If You're Reading This, Dad.)

Kitty Purry likes to get boozy. Leave a b alone with the constant womb checks, damn!

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Add Some Volume to Your Flatie Flat Flat Hair!

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I'm So Fancy Right Now!

Those of you that are friends with me on Facebook might call a few weeks ago I won Jeannie Mai's (the host of Style network's "How Do I Look") Halloween costume contest. I got my prize a few days ago, and here it is; CND's The Look: Fall/Winter 2011 set of nail polishes! These are a really fun set including a Midnight Sapphire and Dark Amethyst polish colors, and Sheer 24K Sparkle finishing coat. I decided to use the deep blue first, and here it is.

Ignore my horrible polish job. This is my thing. I paint all over, and then scrub off my skin. I know, not conventional, but just how I do things. I'm not normal, this I know. So then I added the 24K gold fun stuff.

So cute, right? I'm totally into it. I bet the purple is going to be crazy sexual, too. You can buy the set for $16.95 on Amazon for yourself! Not bad at all for a three piece set! I have to go scrub my polish-ridden hands now... Pin It

I Should Be a Freakin' Detective.

Now I'm 2,000% sure (like a b on Maury) that Hot Stoddy isn't the author of her tweets. What 17 year old wears slips? Or even has seen a slip? Ha! I see you, girl. I got your number now. Gotcha, b!

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Sunday, November 20, 2011

More Adventures in Natural Beauty Weirdness!

Today we are covering the magical world of apple cider vinegar. If you search the interwebs, there are approximately 90928409382890 uses for this stuff. From drinking it for weight loss (I'll leave that to other crazies), to skincare, to hair, apple cider vinegar is quite the little multitasker! I mixed equal parts filtered water and apple cider vinegar in a spray bottle, and I got to major work.

First, I covered hair work. Apple cider vinegar is a great clarifying agent, and it supposedly will help your hair grow by de-gunking (Yeah, so not a word. Whatevs.) your hair follicles and getting your oil glands on your scalp to work better. Yay for all of that nonsense! I sprayed this on after shampooing, left on for five minutes, rinsed, and then did a light conditioner, which I rinsed immediately. The result? I'm totally into it! My hair felt shiny and healthy. I'll probably do this once a week. I did read that it can strip color out of hair, so watch out for that mess.

My next experiment was on my face. ACV (That's what the cool kids say!) can also be used to treat acne. Word is that it helps balance the PH levels (whatever the eff that means) naturally. I use it after my other hippie face concoction (the one with the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi with the Clarisonic brush), and I'm sold...So far! I'll let you guys know if anything crazy happens. Once again, if you have sensitive skin, you might want to use a weaker concoction. I'm not a doctor. I don't know anything!

If you guys give this a try, let me know how you like it!

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Friday, November 18, 2011

This Already Looks Super Sexual

This is the first picture leaked from the production of The Great Gatsby, which comes out NEXT holiday season. Arg! I don't want to wait that long! I love this time period, it's so freaking sexy. I mean look at those finger waves that Gemma Ward is rocking! If that isn't hotness, I don't know what is. Plus, "The Great Gatsby" is one of my favorite books. Shut up, I read! East Egg, West Egg, I love eggs!

Are you guy excited about this movie? What time period do you wish you lived in?

EDIT: Just Jared posted more pictures. Here's one of Leo, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan. Click here to see more from the set!

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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Is It Okay to Laugh at This?

Pic via US Weekly

I vote, yes, on babies.
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Get Rid of Those Raggedy Under Eye Circles!

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DIY Coconut Oil Hair Mask. I'll Try It For You! (Yep, I'm Brave.)

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I Just Can't: Vicky Edition

Listen, I usually can co-sign just about anything that ol' Poshy Becks wears. I'm down with the tightness (That sounds gross.), the cray cray high heels (Love it!), and the on-and-off again hair extensions (Check!). However, THIS, I am not into. The leather (stirrup?) leggings are cool. The dress is fine. But together? Yeah, no. Maybe if the dress was shorter? Or just not there, and she was wearing a top? Or are these leather leg warmers? Oh, God. My heart hurts.

P.S. I TOTALLY endorse David Beckham, though. Just wear him. Pin It

Tell Me Your Problems!

If you guys have any questions or problems concerning beauty/fashion/makeup email me at (or even comment below), and let me help you. Help me, help you! (What was that, Jerry Maguire???) Let me be your hero, baby! (Enrique Iglesias...) Okay, I'm done. Pin It

Is Anyone in Hong Kong? I Need One of These!

These are badass, non? Meet the Fragmented Chronicles ring collection, by Shannnam of Hong Kong. There are over 100 different landscape designs, and they are all uber cool! You can hop on over to Design Boom to see all of the styles, but don't fall too hard (like I did) because they aren't available stateside, yet. Boo! Hiss!!!

Let's all have a good, long, deep sigh over the fact that we will probably never get to own one of these babies. Tear.

What do you guys think? Are you into these, or am I crazy? Pin It

Be A Hot Dirty (I Mean Clean) Hippie

On a recent trip to my parents' house, I discovered a new hippie/fantastic beauty item. My stepsister is very organic/outdoorsy/vegan, and she had left some Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Magic Soap in the shower. My cousin used it, and started freaking out saying how great it was. I didn't get a chance to use it, but when I got back home I decided to get some and see what all of the fuss was about.

I got this huge bottle at Target for $16.99. I originally wanted to use it just as body wash, which I did, and it was awesome. It gives you a minty, clean feeling that makes you feel tingly (not in a gross way). Then, I decided to use it to clean my makeup brushes. Holy ish, you guys! Those b's were the cleanest they have ever been, for serious. At this point, I'm on a Dr. Bronner's Peppermint high! I need to keep going! That's when I came up with my masterpiece...

I mixed the Dr. Bronner's with Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub and Obagi Foaming Gel. I know that this sounds like a crazy hippie/yuppie hybrid with an identity crisis, but I don't give an eff! My face has NEVER felt so soft. This morning, I used the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi on my Clarisonic brush, and it was ahhhh-mazing, too. (Just watch out for your eyeballs!) I read that the peppermint version isn't good for the sensitive-skinned sisters, so keep that in mind. But they also have milder versions, like lavender.

You can also use this stuff for boring crap like cleaning your house, laundry, and hand soap. Blah, blah, blah. I don't care about any of that. All is know is I love this ish. Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Magic Soap FOR EVA!!!

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Don't Look Like a Bulky McBulkerson This Winter!

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I Can't Believe I Forgot to Talk About This Mess

 I have MAJOR love for Shannen Doherty. She is one of my favorite humanoids. If you don't love Brenda Walsh, I just can't even with you. But this ish is freaking ridiculous. I can't even co-sign this for my favorite homegirl. The first time I saw this, I got a huge case of the WTF's. Are things that bad, S. Doh? Do you need a personal loan or something? You are better than this. You're endorsing a college that says go to class in your pajamas. I need my b back! I need some c-face, and some rude side eye knives thrown at Kelly Taylor's bland ass! Not this. Pin It

Monday, November 14, 2011

I Hope No One Needs Any Rhinestones for the Next Year, Because Every Michael's in the Country is Sold Out.

RHWoA's Kim Zolciak got married to her cub/baby daddy this weekend, and here is her first released wedding photo from Life & Style. I can't wait to see more pictures of this mess. There is A LOT happening on this dress, and that is quite a headpiece. Kim is so understated and classic in her taste! I think that she possibly sprayed herself with glue and rolled in glitter. Just a guess...And you know she thinks she looks like Grace Kelly or some koo koo craziness.

P.S. I still need to see this b's birth certificate. I can't believe she's only a couple years older than me. Pin It

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Daaaaaaaang, Becky Lettuce!

Pic via E! Online
Rebecca Romijn is damn 39 years old! And has 3 year old twins! I HATE MYSELF! Why am I exclaiming EVERYTHING! (See, that even needed a question mark, and I ignored the rules of punctuation!) I feel like this right now!
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How to Look Less Crazy: The Bangs Edition

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Too. Much.

Michelle Duggar announced on the Today show this morning that she is pregnant with her 20th child. Yes, like as in two zero. Listen, b. This is too much. Michelle and her last child ALMOST DIED during her pregnancy. What are you doing??!?!? Do you want to die in childbirth, Oregon Trail style? I know the Duggars don't believe in birth control, so tell ol' Jim Bob (Isn't that creepy face's name?) to keep on steppin' when it comes to the bedroom activities. My lady parts hurt for you! Pin It

Monday, November 7, 2011

Brace Yourselves. I'm About to Say Something Nice!

Demi Lovato posted this picture of her new hair color to her Twitter account. And you know what? I really like this ish! But I will say that I'm really biased. I am OBSESSED with red hair right now. I think it's completely gaaaaw-jus. I'm just going to throw it out there. I want to be a ginger. Badly.

Are you guys watching American Horror Story? Young Moira is a HOT redhead. Am I wrong?

And what about Florence Welch, of Florence + the Machine? B*tch is fierce as hell!

And probably the most beautiful ginger of all (to me), Alison Sudol from A Fine Frenzy. You cannot tell me this redhead is to die for!

So what do you guys think? Think I could pull this off? Or would I look a hot, hot mess?

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm Going to Hell: Part 298429048

I'm sorry. This ish is funny. Kris Jenner is the #1 stunt queen, like ever. Pin It

Friday, November 4, 2011

Is Nothing Sacred???

Jennifer Lopez is producing and probably STARRING in a live-action remake of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, according to Deadline. I am not okay with this. (But I am okay with JLo's earrings here. Hey, girl!) Seriously, what the eff is next? Tom Cruise starring in a remake of Oregon Trail? Just because you like to wear hats, b, doesn't mean you can be Carmen Sandiego. No ma'am! Next! Pin It

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Easy and Cheap Item to Spice Up Your Fall/Winter Wardrobe

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Speaking of Dry Heaves

Pic via Us Weekly

Hey, Wilmer. You might want to take your tongue out of 19 year old Demi Lovato's mouth, and use it to try to get yourself some work. The last (Possibly?) paying gig I saw you in was a LMFAO music video.

I kind of feel like Wilmer Valderrama has based his life on Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. 

What was that gross line from the movie? 

  "That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age." 

Yep, he's totally doing that.

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Okay, I'm Developing a Theory...

Radar Online posted this picture of America's sweetheart (in my mind) stepping out to get coffee in her casual finest. Isn't this what you guys wear to pick up coffee? A pushup bra with clear bra straps, a tube top, hot pants and an arm cuff? And I usually tease and Aqua Net my hair, while sporting a supposed "naked face." Read this quote given to Radar from mama Stodden, and TRY not to feel gross. I dare you:

“Courtney looks the most beautiful when she steps out of the shower soaking wet."

Cue the dry heaves. So here's my theory. I think Courtney Stodden is an alien time traveler. She thinks that she's in 1994 (That's the year she studied on her spaceship before landing on Earth.), so to her she looks totes the norm. Think about it! It doesn't not NOT make sense, right? This coming from the b that has watched approximately 89 episodes of Twilight Zone today.

I don't care why or how she arrived in my life, I just hope she never leaves. 
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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

MAC Holiday 2011 Eye Shadow Review

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Make Your Own Clay Mask...But Does it Suck???

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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What the WHAAAAT?!?!?

Pic via US Magazine

The NY Daily News has uncovered a paternity lawsuit, in which a 20 year old woman claims Justin Bieber is the father of her three month old baby. She says she had sex with the Biebs last year after one of his concerts. Whaaaaat? Go to your room, young man (woman?)! But seriously, ish just got serious. Dude, you are 16 (I think.) and a gazillionaire. If you're getting down with a random, please protect your self before you wreck yourself.

P.S. This is his new haircut. I'm not sure if we're moving farther away or closer to looking like a sweet-faced lesbian. (Which is a cute look, so whatevs.)
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