GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Liz & DICK Premiere Dress

via huffpo

We are mere MINUTES away from the cinematic moment of the year, no, millennium. Liz & Dick premieres on Lifetime tonight, and I cannot wait for this ish storm. Don't worry, I will be watching and documenting all the good good for a post tomorrow. But first, we MUST discuss this. Did I get reverse-Rip-van-Winkled and it's really the year 2000? Because that is truly the only reasonable explanation for this dress right now. Or that this b stole my circa 2004 lamp shade from my trash and removed the fuzzy boa sh*t, repurposing it into a dress. That is highly possible with ol' Sticky Fingers McTakesalot here.

Let's end on something nice, shall we? I'm glad that Linds is back to being a ginge. That is how I enjoy my crazies most of all. Now it's time for DICK! (And Liz.)



Pin It

THIS SH*T HAS GONE TOO FAR, JUSTIN BIEBER. Go to your room immediately, young man!

pics via Bieb's instagram

I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.

But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?

DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.

Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.

P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?

My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.




Pin It

ANNNNND My Hair Transformation C'est Fini. (I'm Fancy and French.)

So, I got brave(ish) on T-gives and dyed my own hair. See the reveal after the jump and how I effed up...And ended up in Walmart at the start of Black Friday with all of the crazies.

via 90120gifs

Pin It

Random Homie: Layla Ceramic Effect Nail Polish in #53

Zappos, $9.95 with FREE shipping

Before I received this Layla polish, I had never heard of the brand. It's apparently an Italian nail polish company, and they were one of the first peeps to do the whole magnetic polish deal. The color I tried is best described as a ruby red with flakes of red glitter. But the glitter isn't like your gamgam's glitter from Michael's. This polish looks like lava is painted on your nails.

My photography skills are straight sh*t.

I COULD NOT get a good representation of these nails in any light.

See? Terrible.

But I promise they are badass. And the polish dries really fast, which my lazy ass truly appreciates. The company says you don't need a base or top coat, but I did both anyway. What can I say? I can't be tamed. I break all the rules. Anyway, check out all of the colors over at Zappos and see what you think. Now I'm going to put on my Katniss Everdeen "girl on fire" dress to match my nails.

It has officailly come to a point that I can NEVER again mention Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss Everdeen in this space. Homegirl is one more mention away from legally making sure I stay 100 feet away from her ass.



Update: This is an easily chipping polish, which is pretty standard for glittery ass polishes, but I just had to keep it real with my b's. I wrote this post last night, and am now on my work lunch break, and I've got some chipping happening. But like some Level 2 type ish. Nothing insane.





Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Paris Hilton's Latest "Music"

Unfortunately, TMZ leaked this horrible collaboration of Paris Hilton and Lil' Wayne today, and it is really confusing my ass. Why are we still playing this charade with Paris Hilton? 'Tis not 2004 anymore, (not that) young lady. No one was into "Stars are Blind," and we don't want anymore of your baby voice. Especially when the song is so endearingly entitled, "I WANT TO BANG YOU." Not on my watch, b. This is not happening. I would much rather watch this on repeat. (Oh wait, I already do.)

And while we're at it, WHERE THE EFF IS TINKERBELL???

Pin It

My Crusade to BFF Up Jennifer Lawrence, Part Honey Boo Boo

This isn't the first time I have realized that I am awkwardly in love with Jennifer Lawrence. This time, she tells Jay Leno how she got into a car accident because she thought she saw Honey Boo Boo.

via f*ckyeahlizlemon

Oh, how I love J Law.

P.S. Can I tell you b's something? I'm afraid I will HATE Honey Boo Boo next season. It's a big phobia for me right now. Like you know when something is awesome, and then the thing realizes it's awesome, and then it's kind of absolutely terrible? I think that's happening.

P.P.S. You know what's always kind of terrible? Jay Leno.

Pin It

Random (Holiday) Homie: Yves Saint Laurent Holiday Set

Sephora, $65 value of $107

Ermahgerd, you guys. I actually scored an item from my Never Gonna Get It list!

Don't worry -- I love to be six months late on web trends.

Sephora sent over the YSL Holiday Set for me to try, which includes the Touche Eclat, which I have not been shy about obsessing over. The set includes:

An ultra glam holiday set featuring Touche Éclat N°2, Golden Gloss N°10, a mini Mascara Volume Effet Faux Cils in black, and a mini waterproof eye liner in black—all presented in a beautiful makeup bag.

The makeup bag is the perfect size for a crazy/hoarder-ish/I-have-a-major-lip-gloss-problem person like myself to keep in my purse. For some, it might be a great makeup-I-use-everyday bag. The eyeliner is GORGEOUS. It's deep, inky black and goes on insanely smooth. Like Al Green music smooth.  The lip gloss is crazy shiny and glittery.

It kind of tastes fruity, and isn't sticky. It makes my lips feel like a sexy Studio 54 party, but even glossier and with extra glitter. And when it comes to my new boyfriend, Touche Eclat, I have to say that it totally lives up to my expectations. Because I am an oily beast, I use it over a primer, but it totally brightens up my under eye area like the bossiest of bosses. It alone retails for $40, so I feel like the set it a great value. The last piece of the kit is a mini mascara. It's very volumizing and lengthening, and the best part? IT SMELLS LIKE ROSES.



LIKE ROSES, people. You don't get more luxury than that. Check out the set for your own damn self, here.



Pin It

Random Homie: LUSH's Blousey Shampoo

LUSH, $25.95

I know I just talked about another LUSH product, but I'm in love with a non-stripper. (Of your hair, sick brains!) I was dying to try Blousey, the new LUSH 'poo for LLDH (Ladies who love dying their hair, duh.), and they graciously sent me a sample. The texture is very different from any shampoo I've used before -- it's kind of lumpy and thick. Which, to me, makes it all the more fun. It just FEELS like your mama and them made it in their home laboratory, or something. And it smells kind of like a chocolatey banana. I have to stop myself from grabbing a spork and taking a taste. Because I exclusively use golden-plated sporks to eat things. It gets pretty sudsy for a bananarama-packed product, and it still really gets my ol' greasy mop clean. I am really loving on this stuff hardcore. My hair feels soft, clean, and smells like the Bluth Banana Stand.

So, in other words, I give it a dancing David Silver. 'Tis the highest honor of them all.

via 90210gifs

Pin It

"Crazy Pants Bieber" Strikes Again.

I was perusing this story on The Daily Mail about blah blah blah Biebs and Selena Gomez reuniting blah blah blah. I didn't even have one eff to give about all of that mess, until this photo turned my heart to ice:

pic via dailymail

What the muther eff? Did baby Bieber not have supervision when he was getting dressed, and accidentally wore his mom's upside down sweatshirt as a pair of pants? What the disgusting are those things? They are exactly one million times worst than the last ones! Even Selena, in the background, is all, "Did that weird cult-y lady leave yet?" Let's have a look at the back (if you're brave enough), shall we?

via dailymail

I can't even belieb (groan) that this is really happening. If things such as these are truly being manufactured, forget the death of Twinkies, THIS is the true sign of the apocalypse.

I'm going into my "safe chamber" until this is all over.

P.S. My safe chamber is my couch, wearing nearing-decade-old Juicy pants and dirty hair. Don't tell anyone.




Pin It

TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.

via gooodforyouu

Do you have so kind of crazy/non-crazy/weird/boring beauty problem? I want to try to solve that mess for you. Let me be your Bounty-quicker-picker-upper to your beauty spill. I'ma twerk it for you.

Either comment on this post, Facebook me, Tweet me, or email me (shannon@glossanddirt.com). I've got your back, boo.



Pin It

Random Homie: Deborah Lippman Forsaken Sookie Sookie Nail Lacquer Duo

I originally got this Deborah Lippmann Forsaken Sookie Sookie Nail Lacquer Duo from my friends over at HSN a few months ago. (Reppin' my hood...They're right down the street from me. Heeeeeey, boos!) And in a total d*ck move, I completely forgot to even try it until they were WAAAAAY sold out of the set over at HSN. 

That ish is rude as hell, and I apologize. What a crap beauty blogger I am. And True Blood fan. And person...

The two polishes in the kit include: Human Nature (mortal putty taupe), and Fairydust (ethereal shimmer). I have never used a Deborah Lippman polish before, and let me say, that mess is pretty freaking amazing. The polish is thick in a luxury way, not an "old, gross nail polish I found under my couch" way. The coverage is great, and I love both of these colors. I currently have a human hand and a fairy hand, and I'm totally into it. I can't wait to accumulate one million more DL polishes. Awwww Sookie, Sookie, now. HSN had the set at an amazing price ($25), but if you still want to get down to True Blood town with this set, it is available here from Nordstrom for a few more buckaroos.

Pin It

Reason Number 3,483,983 That Judge Judy is My Boo Thang

pic via huffingtonpost

I am completely and utterly into Judge Judith Scheindlin. She's the sassiest b that ever b-ed, and I cannot get enough of her. But apparently, I'm a terrible stalker, because I MISSED HER 70TH EFFING BIRTHDAY. It was in October, and she shared some of her B-day festivus photos on that Katie show. And here her Honor is, in a BIKINI, like a mofo boss. And guess what? B looks guuuurd. JJ says she keeps the sexy strong with diet and exercise. Oh, please. You know she burns 99% of her calories with sass alone.

via mrhankey

Werk, JJ.



And cheeseballs.




Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Creeper in a Homemade, Arts and Crafts Koala Mask

via thisistheinternet

What in the eff kind of nonsense is this, Sir? I am an avid lovers of koala bears, and this crap is scary and all kinds of inappropriate for my mind grapes. (Sidenote: Is it normal for a woman in her 30's to still have a favorite animal? No? Then good thing I'm 26...Shut up!) Even the fake ass koala looks sad as hell. Plus, he has your spittle all over his crotchal area. Rude. I'm even offended that that poor koala has to be next to that shirt you're wearing. I can't see much of your skin tone, but I feel pretty confident that that color is doing NOTHING for you. I am not amused.

And in case you have no idea what I'm talking about (or were born in the 90's), here's a refresher.





Pin It

Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


Pin It

The Badass B List: Treat Yo' Self

Sometimes you just want to be a fancy ass b. AmIright? There are some beauty products that just make your ass FEEL like it's dripping in diamonds, like Little Edie when she was on the cusp of fame, with extra brooches and turbans.

And since I don't actually HAVE any brooches or turbans, I like to find luxurious products to make myself feel like a lady who lunches. (What does that even mean? Don't we all eat lunch? Do rich ladies eat lunch, but not dinner?)

One of the most luxurious beauty items, to me, are false lashes. I freaking love the look of lashes. The more I look like Flower from Bambi, the better. But I'm used to using the cheap drugstore $3 (tops) lashes. So when the people from Goddess Lashes sent me some to try, I almost died from excitement. These lashes are handmade and mink, and can be used up to TWENTY times. (I use my drugstore lashes half a time, usually.) From Goddess Lashes:

Goddess Mink Lashes are made from individually selected mink fur hair that have been harvested by the natural shedding process of live mink, no cruelty or harm to the animals. They have been sterilized to ensure a safe non- allergenic usage.

Awesome, right? They also come in embellished sets, with authentic Swarovski crystals, delicate gold studs and fresh water pearl ornaments. Here are the crystal pair:

How friggin' fun are these b's? And here are the basic signature lashes:

These are so natural and pretty. (So you think you're pretty. -Regina George) These puppies aren't cheap (they start at $150), but the quality and look of them are beyond gorgeous. And you can reuse the hell out of them, as long as you don't get all trashy and actually take care of them. (I'm totally looking in the mirror when I say that.) Go check out all of the varieties of lashes that Goddess Lashes makes, and get yo' fancy ass on!

How about super luxury for under $15??? These Tatcha Original Aburatorigami Japanese Blotting Papers are $12, and have mutha effin' GOLD FLAKES in them. Now, that's some fanciest of the fancy pants ish right there. You b's know that I have not been shy about sharing my skin's extreme oiliness. It's quite the quandary of my beauty life. Putting on makeup only to have it look a blotchy, muddy mess a few hours later, is one of the banes of my existence. So needless to say, my ass has to have blotting papers on my person at pretty much any moment of life. The thing that I really enjoy about the Tatcha blotting papers are how they leave a little moisture to your skin after you use them. You aren't left with a dry-as-a-bone face -- it feels more gentle than other blotting papers I have used. So if you are one of those combo faced ladies or gents, these would be your total homie for life.

Now let's all go drink a spot of tea together. Pinkies up, b faces!




Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Joe Manganiello Posing as a Grizzly Bear, or Possibly Vice Versa

via celebitchy

Joe Manganiello is a hot, hot b. But this is how I'm used to taking this lollipop:

I know that it's the True Blood off season, or whatever, but that doesn't mean you should be shirking basic hygienic upkeep. I just want to scrub this b with an entire bottle of Mane 'n Tail and then get after his ass with an entire package of disposable Bic razors. I totally understand if you want to let your chub out (oh, wow) when you aren't filming, but this is just way the eff over the top. The hot force is hot with you, J. Mang, so stop working your friggin' hardest to fight it, b*tch.

So, in keeping with the animal theme...

Pin It

Random Homie: Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum

Josie Maran, $30

I love Argan oil products, and rumor had it that Josie Maran has some badass Argan products. So I was super pumped when they sent me the Argan Oil Hair Serum to try. And I decided to give it the old tried and true test -- use it on half my hair, and leave the other half alone.

CLEARLY the half that I used the serum on was the side on (your) right. I shampooed and conditioned them both exactly the same (duh, like I'm talented enough to do any differently), and blow dried using a round brush. I knew that the untreated side was in for a wild ride when I had trouble brushing through it when I was drying it. Ish was a trying task. The half with the serum feels super silky and shiny, and the other side is a damn tumbleweed blowing through a one horse town. Not. Cute. So it's sufficient to say the the Josie's has totally lived up to the hype, and I'm all in on this pony. This silky, sheeny-coated pony. Neeeeigh, b. Neeeeigh!



Pin It

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

Over on ye olde Allure blog today I pick my favorite beauty minis of the season, in honor of the release of the iPad mini. Ye should check it out yonder. And this ends my lame, half-assed attempt at olde english.



Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone In This Video

This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.

Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.

Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.

Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.

Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.

Pin It

Dammit! Snooki Ruins Everything for My Ass.

Last week, I told you guys about my desire to have red hair, and whether or not I should try. Most of you told me I should, and I was about 90% sure that I was going to go for it. Until I saw this.

Mutha effin' Snooki dyed her hair red yesterday. I CANNOT follow in Snooki's footsteps. I've already changed a lot about myself after Snooki came onto the scene. Here I am in October of 2009.

Jersey Shore premiered in December of 2009.

So in response, I WAAAY toned down my self tanning and stopped dying my hair black. I have been trying to avoid the comparisons between the two or us. We're both short, and the similarities were just too strong for my ass. I thought I was in the clear, until this mess yesterday. DAMMIT, SNOOKI!

Pin It

Random Homie: Fun by Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics

Fun by Lush, $6.95 each

I feel like this product was MADE for me, even though I really think it's more for kids. Too bad, kids! Too bad! Fun is a new product from Lush Cosmetics (a brand that I LOVE), which can be used as a soap, shampoo, or bubble bath. But the best part is...YOU CAN MOLD IT LIKE CLAY. Whaaaaat? So, of course, I wanted to be completely overly ambitious and create a masterpiece molded after the Falcor, the dragon from The Neverending Story. I mean, obviously.

Well, come on, people. If you have read this blog for 2.5 seconds, you know that laziness is my number one priority. So instead, I made this.

It's a doughnut! The nice peeps at Lush sent me the yellow (vanilla), green (lemon/lime), and red/orange (duh, mandarin orange), so I wanted to use all of the colors. And naturally, I wanted to create something delicious as eff.

And here's after I took a big ass bite of my fauxnut. No! I broke off a piece to use in the shower, obviously. That little bitty piece was enough to last through the shower, and the combination of smells made me want to eat a real doughnut. And there was no gross residue, which is a pet peeve of mine when using a soap. And here's another awesome bonus from the Lush website:

2.5% of sales from every bar of FUN is contributed to the FUNd, a LUSH initiative which supports charities in Fukushima, Japan that create safe places for children to play outside.

Cool, right? Go see all of the Fun varieties here. Now, I am off to eat a real doughnut. No, I'm not! (Yes, I am.)



Pin It