Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Beauty Sh*t That Reminds Me of My Favorite Lovah, Wine.

Wine is the ish, you guys. And so beauty mess that reminds me of my ride-or-die b, wine, is the ish, by proxy. Doy. And now that I have your attention (WINE) and I'm drinking (WINE), let's get this party started. But not with P!nk. I'm not that drunk. (Yet.)


My favorite wine-inspo category is probably the nail variety. Wine nails are effin' hot, y'allz. They're vampy and sexy, and make my ass feel glamorous, which is kind of a hard thing to do. I'm trash.

essie in recessionista (target, $7.79) & revlon top speed in forbidden (drugstore.com, $3)
I've already told you homies about the deal with Essie's Recessionista, but it's worth repeating. To me, it's a true wine color. It's not as dark as some wine-y polishes, and it's super classy -- if that's your bag o' tricks. I'm you are a tad darker, and maybe a cheap ass --



then Revlon's Top Speed in Forbidden might be for you. It's goth, hot, and dries fast. (Three things I look for in a dude...NO!) Plus, it's $3 right now on drugstore.com, so go snatch that ish, crazy brains.

elizabeth arden beautiful color radiance blush in plum perfection, $26
The Elizabeth Arden peeps sent over some of their new blush colors for me to try, and I'm super into this one. It's called Plum Perfection, so it's not REALLY wine, but I'm sure you can get plum wine...somewhere. This blush has the tiniest hint of glimmer, and it's very subtle, so you can use it and not feel like you belong in the Insane Clown Posse. (If ICP were really into wearing heavy blush, or something.) But the color is really cool and different, so I'm into it. Just keep it to the apples of your cheeks to keep from looking like you were somehow squeezed into an 80's time capsule.

tarte lipsurgence matte lip tint in envy, $24
I got this tarte LipSurgence somewhere, at some point in time (I can't be held to remembering actual THINGS), and I live for this sh*t. I really love tarte lip products because they are minty and fabulous. And I REALLY love this stuff because it's what Kat Dennings wears on 2 Broke Girls, and I want to borderline Single White Female that b. It lasts a long time, and you can also apply and blot if you want a more demure, stain-y look. (But who the eff does?!?)

Okay, that's it, mofos. I'm all wined out. (NEVAAAAR!)


 Pssshhh. No sh*t.




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Hold On To Your, Errmm, Hats (And/Or Do Rags), Ladies.

Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.



If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower. 

Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status. 

And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental. 

At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.



I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. 

And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. 

At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops! 

At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.



Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.



And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.



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Monday, April 29, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Non-Elegance That Is "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls."

I was watching Snapped last night, which is surprisingly boring for a show about murder, when I realized how much I really, really hate something.


This is a screen shot of the opening of the show, and there's my annoying nemesis -- "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls." I've always been confounded and irritated by the painted nails/multi strands of pearls deal, stemming from my mid-90's, teen talon (long-as-hell, chocolate brown, acrylic nails) days, when posters of this mess was plastered up everywhere and in every damn nail salon.

ugh. like i'm going to pay for this crap.
ohhhh. so glamourous and edgy.
bigger balls.
Listen b's, don't sue me for using these pictures. I'VE GOT TO DEMONSTRATE SH*T. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to feel when I look at this crap. Understated elegance? A reminder that I hate french manicures? Rich b*tches love clutching all of their pearl strands at once?


I give up on looking at things with my eyes.



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Sonofa B Face, I'm in Love With ANOTHER Hair Oil.

I know, I know. Hair oil, schmair oil -- I feel like I've talked about every kind of hair oil ad nauseum, but when I find some sh*t that I'm super into I have to tell you mofos. It's like a damn sickness. And when I was sampled this Kitoko Oil Treatment, I knew that I had to tell you b's about it, even if it made you hate me (more).

 
Here's what I love about this ish; it's not oily, even if you have thin, fine hair. For those of you with thick ass manes of hair, and can use any ol' ass oil you want, then good on you. (Shut up -- I'm trying to be Born Again British, like Madonna or Gwynnie Patlrow, THE most beautiful human that has ever lived, or something.) But for those of us that are on the thinner (hair) side of things, you usually have to be super careful about toeing that fine line between lustrous and well-moisturized locks and greasy gobs of goop. (There I go again. I've got Gwyneth on the brain.)

don't act like this isn't the best thing you've ever seen. ever.
But you don't have to worry about 99 goopy problems with Kitoko Oil. And here's the science (b*tch):

Kitoko Oil Treatment combines the healing and therapeutic properties of Karité and Argan oils to revitalize, strengthen and condition the hair. It provides intense nourishment and its lightweight formula is perfect for all hair types as it helps restore shine and moisture balance. It helps tame frizzy and uncontrollable hair, alleviates scalp dryness, improves hair’s elasticity and offers instant absorption with a non-greasy feel and no buildup. A few drops help reduce dry time and replenish brittle hair and ends. The color-safe formula contains naturally derived UV filters to help protect hair from environmental damage.

Sounds boss, right? Well how's about this one -- after Shakira's (yes, SHAKIRA) hair stylist used the Kitoko Oil on her hair, homegirl requested that the company send her some to use on her Shaki head in real life. And you know, her hair follicles don't lie. (Ugh, that was terrible.) But seriously, boo boo could afford to use ANYTHING in the world, and she chooses to use this.

 

If it's good enough for Shakira, it's most definitely good enough for my trashy ass. To find a salon that sells the good good that is Kitoko Oil Treatment in your area, look here for more info.





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Monday, April 22, 2013

Blogging Note: Imma Be a Minute


If you follow my boring ass on Instagram or Twitter, you might know that I'm moving/just moved. And because all things are boring and annoying, I haven't had internet at my old place for the past few days, and now that ish isn't working at my new place. Doy, like that WOULDN'T happen. So I won't be posting until that nonsense gets fixed, or whatever. I'm not a wizard. So I'm leeching up free wifi right now at a coffee place with all of the other nerds, because all of my neighbors have their wifi on lock down. That includes someone that named their wifi "Grenade Free Zone." Ugh, OF COURSE. See you b's on the flip side.




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Thursday, April 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.



Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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It's Almost Time for The Great Gatsby, So Get Daisy Buchanan-esqued All Up on Your Grill.

I friggin' love The Great Gatsby, you guys. After I saw the initial trailer in December, I was thisclose to cutting my hair into a blonde pageboy. Sh*t is hot. But instead, I made a makeup tutorial so you can get Daisy Buchanan's face on yo' face.



I used products sent to me from the peeps at Beauty Store Depot, which you can find here: gloMinerals Alloy Eye Collection and gloMinerals Precise Micro Eyeliner in Black.


This is the gorgeous-ass picture I  used as an inspiration for the tutorial. DOES THIS NOT MAKE YOU EXCITED, PEOPLE?!? And because you might be a crazy person that hasn't seen The Great Gatsby Trailer, here it is. You are welcome.



Now, we party -- Gatsby style.










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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via growingpangs
I'm jealous as sh*t of everyone that gets to go to Coachella, because I'm a poor faux dirty hippie, and not a rich faux dirty hippie. So this week for Allure Magazine, I present to you, Anti-Coachella Beauty (Treat Yo' Self Because You Aren't in a Desert). Check it out here.




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Dammit, Jon Hamm is Trying to Force Me to Turn On My Baby Maker.



Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.

P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.


Great, I just got flagged by the FBI.


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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story



I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.


Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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Monday, April 15, 2013

The Badass B List: Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Fuzzy (Anymore) Was She?

Awkwardly placed facial and body hair is decidedly NOT the cat's sexy ass pajamas, I mean amiright? Unless you are one of those "I have zero effs to give about body hair" people. If so, carry on, and maybe pass go and read about Justin Bieber, or whatever. For the rest of us, get ready, because sh*t's about to get awkward. (For me, anyway.)

bliss "fuzz" off, $24
First is the worst (to talk about, anyway), so let's just do this crap. I don't find myself to be an excessively hairy human, female person. I'm just on that pre-pubescent boy that is trying to grow a creepy moustache, or Pedro from Napoleon Dynomite tip. But with blonde hair. It's quite cute. (No, it's not.) So it was a happy day for me when the Bliss people allowed me to try their new product for facial hair removal, "fuzz" off. Unfortunately, I have not had good luck with hair removal creams in the past, when I've used them on my legs and such. I always end up with rashy, irritated skin. YAY! But I was left pleasantly surprised with this bliss product. It's super easy to use (apply with applicator, wait a few minutes, wipe off), and it actually smells pretty, pretty good. And best part -- no irritation (or Pedro-esque lip hair)! Check it out for yo' own damn self here.

whish shave savour hair inhibiting gel swipes, $8 (8 pk) to $20 (20 pk)
The Whish people were nice enough to send me a sample of these brand new Hair Inhibiting Gel Swipes, which were shown in clinical studies to reduce hair density by 26% after 28 days of daily use. Pretty friggin' cool, right? My favorite thing about them (of course) is that ish is super easy to use, AKA lazy b friendly. It's like a wet nap -- rip it open, then just wipe wherever you want to make your hair less coarse. I went for the legs, because I'm a prude. And they smell like a pomegranate martini, minus the regrets and bad decisions. (Okay, not that prude.) I can't wait for my legs to look like a borderline hairless cat in a few weeks. Check the deets on these puppies here.

bikini soft smooth shave oil & razor saver, $14.99 plus s&h
When I was sent this duo from Bikini Soft, I was super iffy on it. It's just a bottle of oil, how good can this mess be??? And while I love the crap out of it for shaving the swimsuit/no no areas and legs, the true testament came from shaving my armpits. Here's a little back story on my 'pits (whether you want to hear it or not). I have always, since the dawn of shaving said underarms time, had an issue with razor burn/bumps on the armpits. No matter what I've used, it always happens. But that sh*t is completely gone after using this stuff. Insanity. And to use the smooth shave oil, just put a few drops in your hands and apply to wherever you're shaving. After you've finished, you dry off your razor and use the razor saver to increase the longevity of your razor. Bikini Soft also has a razor recycling program, where you can send your old ass razors to be recycled. Captain Planet would totally approve. Find out more about Bikini Soft here, including their 30 day money back guarantee.


Being hairlessly fresh to death has never been so easy.



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Justin Louise (???) Bieber, You Stop That Right Now and Go to Your Room!

I can't can't take much more of this, Biebs.


pics via JB's instagram
I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.







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Friday, April 12, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Brenda Walsh in a Photographic History, 'Cause It's That B's Birthday.

You guys, I love Shannen Doherty's ass. (Figuratively, not literally.) And today is mah boo's birthday, so I've collected some amazing pictures of that crazy ass through the years -- or the 90's. Whatever.

jorts for effing daysssssss
well this sh*t is just massively uncomfortable...
even a bunk ass perm can't stop the FACE
...and kelly's a slut b*tch, duh.
badass 4 lyfe
that's right, dylan, oooo you can get it.
this.
ha. and a sh*tload of this. wynonna judd meets alyssa milano in fear.
who DOESN'T want to slap the ever-loving blah out of andrea zuckerman???
and just because -- what are you, wilford brimley? get your sh*t together, andrea.
Happy Birthday, Brenda (Shannen). You're forever my GUUUUUURL.






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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Quick Sh*t: The "Eff That" Cat



This b don't play, mmmmkay? Quit trying to get all up in his (or her -- I don't know your life) area. Humans are so friggin' annoying in the brain area.






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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I'm Getting That Hurrr Looking Right -- by Eating (Supplement) Stuff.

I love beauty supplements. But I can NEVER remember to take a damn vitamin. That crap just flits right out of my head like I'm a chihuahua with zero attention span. But eating stuff, I ALWAYS remember that. That's one of the best things about my new down ass b that I was so generously allowed to sample, Beauty Bumps.

beauty bumps, $85
YOU EAT THIS ISH. AND IT TASTES LIKE A MINT. AND IT HAS GOLD IN IT.


But that's not the REAL real deal on this stuff. Beauty Bumps are an edible supplement that helps to grow your hair up to 42% with SCIENCE. It works by:
  •    Reducing DHT which is one of the primary causes of hair loss
  •    Supporting the anti-aging of the hair follicle
  •    Significantly improving circulation which is essential to healthy hair
  •    Helping reduce the effects of stress on the body
And to get the deets on what's actually in the bumps, click here. It's still too early to tell how long and flowing my mop is going to get using the Bumps (I've been taking them less than a month), but I'm so happy that my ass will actually get a result because I'm eating these things as directed. This is possibly the first time I've done anything as directed, ever, in life.

via realitytvgifs
Watch out Rapunzel, I'm coming for yo' ass. Check out more about Beauty Bumps here.






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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Quick Sh*t: I Told You B's That Walt Jr. is Hot

Today is my day of creeper vindication, mofos. I present to you (via Walt Jr.'s twitter -- or RJ Mitte, whatever) the hottest breakfast lover, except for Ron Swanson. Natch.





So suck it, America. (Gross. Not literally.) FLYNN 4 EVA.





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