What Kind of Effery is Anne Hathaway Wearing on Her Dome Area???

Listen. I know that there is a large(ish) group of mofo's that straight hate Anne Hathaway. I am not one of those people, I think that she's just fine -- in general. But this...

pics via daily mail

I can't go for that sh*t. Homegirl looks half a grandma, half a turrible craft project gone awry. And this hat is CLEARLY her straight jam right now, because she's wearing this mess multiple times. Annie Boo Boo, whaddup? It's not protecting your lovely porcelain skin from ish, and crap's making your hair look super wig-like underneath. Believe it or not, no matter my pro-fake hair stance, that is NOT complementary. And don't you b's even start telling me that this glorified Gam Gam's upside down hanging flower pot rip off is haute couture, or whatever. I don't give a damn. It's gross.

Not doing this sh*t with you, Hatha-path. Take it off. (And let me burn it.) It's for the good of humanity.







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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, we discuss Things You Should Be Doing Instead of Watching That Harlem Shake Video: Annoying Beauty Stuff You Really Shouldn't Skip. Go check that ish out -- sh*t's mandatory.




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Why I'm Trash, I've Always Been Trash, And The Saddest Part Is That I Know: Perfume Edition

I really just wanted an excuse to loosely quote this skit from Jennifer Lawrence on SNL, because I feel like this character is my soul twin, and I need to go get an application from this fictional diner. It's the only career success that I could ever hope to have.

pink sugar perfume (sephora, $20-$60)

But here's the real reason that I'm trash. I love Aquolina's Pink Sugar perfume. Now, I'm not saying that this perfume is inherently trashy, but it's also loved by my favorite teenaged hot ass mess, Courtney Stodden.

Sh*t smells like straight up cotton candy, which is probably not ENTIRELY appropriate for a person in their 30's, AKA me. Unless you operate a cotton candy machine, then it's totally appropriate. And, also, I want your job. But if you love to smell like sweetness and sugar, then this ish is totally up your alley, and that alley leads straight to Candy Land. If musky musk is more your deal, than I suggest you pass go, and try Monopoly-inspired fragrances, if that exists. I hope it does. And I hope it smells like monocles.

 

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Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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Hair Homies: Serge Normant Meta Silk Shampoo & Meta Velour Conditioner

serge normant meta silk shampoo & meta velour conditioner, $24 each

Soooo, here's the realio dealio happening in my (hair) life. Remember when I did that whole red thing? Well, I got over that sh*t, like I do, and I had to get rid of it. So when I went to my amazing ass hair stylist, she had to strip my hair, and then promptly made me swear on that book of hair color Barbie hair samples that I would never use boxed hair dye again. Needless to say, I kind of effed up my hurrs. So when the peeps at Serge Normant sent me over some sample-age of the Meta Silk Shampoo and Meta Velour Conditioner to try, it was perfect timing. I had to get my haircare game SERIOUSLY on point, or I would be on the express bus to bald lady town.

Luckily for me, this stuff is the sauce. The first time I used this combo, my hair felt super silky and moisturized, but not greasy or heavy. Which is big for me, because as a fine-haired lady, that ish happens A LOT. These products are straight up luxurious -- thick and creamy (no comment) and make you feel like you should be wearing some fancy ass diamond cocktail ring while using them. And you shouldn't expect any less. The brain behind the line is hairdresser to stars like Julia Roberts, SJP, and Blake Lively. This ish makes me feel like I have a trust fund.

Get fancy on yo' own ass, and shop for yourself here.





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Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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What's the Deal With Those Beauty Boxes, Anyway? (ft. beauty box five)

AKA Whaddup, beauty boxes? Do you know how hard it was for me to not make crude jokes in this b? I deserve an award, or something. Okay, enough -- let's take a tour.

Find out more about this good good here.




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Guess Who's Wearing Underwear That Require a Battery Pack?

pic via buzzfeed

Psshhhh. As if there was a question in your mind/heart/loins. It's my homegirl, C. Stodd, OBVIOUSLY. She chose this elegant ensemble (that's pronounced on-som-blay if you're fancy, like me and Stodd) for the release party of her new single, Reality. If you have a strong stomach and constitution, go over to Buzzfeed and see the pics of Hot Stoddy and her dad interacting. It's, errm, uncomfortable (un-comfor-ta-blay). And while you're into the whole clicking deal, please go watch Court's new music video for Reality over at eonline. Yep, that's exactly how I saw all of that playing out. Yeeeep.

Let's get a little good juju going (or eat some Jujubes, if you want) after all of that.



I think we all needed that.






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It's a Cheap Nudie Show! (For Lips, You Pervs.)

I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.

WHAT THE WHAT?

I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.

Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.

This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from drugstore.com, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:

drugstore.com, $7.99

Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!

Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.

P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?




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Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed

You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.

More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.

And some wine. Lots of wine.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I explore dude beauty routines, and how we can derive our own tips from them. At least you're good for something, guys. I kid, I kid. Go check it out here.



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One Broke Girl: Beauty Treatments You Can Do on The Cheap

Listen, people. Times are mutha effin' tough in this b*tch. Sometimes you are on an all-ramen-all-the-time diet, but you still want to:

via nbcparksandrec tumblr

It's only natural. Just because you have roughly two dimes to rub together doesn't mean that you have to shun beauty treatments completely. I've rounded up a few ways that you can still get super grown and sexy, without the extra cash flow.

All Coconut Oil Errthang



I made a tutorial on coconut oil hair masks like a million years ago, and I've learned a few things since then. First off, you don't need to heat that mess up. It's a solid at most room temperatures, and liquifies with heat. There's no need to get out an effin' blow torch, or anything, just scoop the ish into your hands, rub them together a little, and apply it to your dry hair. The rest of the video is still as valid as any other crap that I throw together.

The next part of my coconut oil infogasm is that you can use it for about a billion things. I now also use it for my reg body moisturizer. I also use it to pop popcorn. These two items are completely unrelated. I'm not use how much a jar is, maybe $5 to $10, but that mess lasts forever. Invest. Save your damn pennies.

 St. Ives Apricot Scrub -- But Not For Your Mug

target, $2.99

I know, you used the hell out of this sh*t in middle school. And you might even still use it on your face. If you do, stop that immediately. It will eff up the collagen in you face, because it's just too rough for your face's delicate constitution. BUT it's great for a body scrub, especially if you are a victim of the dreaded backne. And it's so cheap. Get it on BOGO somewhere, and you're set for years. If you want to make it a little more moisturizing, just add a little swig of olive oil.

Homemade Aspirin/Lemon Juice Mask

If you need a little exfoliation for cheap/free if you've got this stuff, I've got the mask for you. This is from the Dr. Oz show, and you know that homeboy knows his stuff. It's based on aspirin, which contains salicylic acid, and lemon, which has a fat ass amount of vitamin c. Both of these things are great for the el skino.

Ingredients:

- non-coated aspirin
- lemon juice
- baking soda

Instructions:
1. Crush up 6-12 non-coated aspirins and combine with freshly squeezed lemon juice.
2. Let the aspirin dissolve until it turns into a paste.
3. Apply the mask to your skin and leave it on for 10 minutes.
4. Remove the face mask by dipping a cotton round in some baking soda and some water.

WARNING: So I just tried this sh*t, and it works just fine, but when I went to remove it with the cotton round with water and baking soda, it burned my skin like a cray cray banana hammock. So, I recommend skipping that part, and just rinsing with water, unless your skin is made from impenetrable steel, or something.

Okay, cheap asses/fellow poor peeps, it's like we're a broke ass beauty parlor up in here! You don't have to look raggedy and crazy, just because we aren't bazillionaires.

Do you guys have any cheap beauty tricks? Share with all of us other poor unfortunate souls!





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Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)

This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



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Random Homie: tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo from QVC

qvc, $27 for both

I love very few things in life, a couple of them being a GOOD ass deal and luxurious lashes. So when I found out that QVC was selling this tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo for $27 for FULL SIZE PRODUCTS, I begged them to send me a sample to test. I mean, this ish is a $41 value, guys -- that's a badass deal.

Now before I get into the nitty gritty deets of this stuff, lemme give you a little backstory on my lash history. (Lashtory?) I used Latisse for like a year and a half, and had insane (non-clown posse) eyelashes. When I had to stop using it, for reasons of being a broke ass b, it broke my shallow heart. Since that time, I have tried a ton of products to try to get the most from my post-Latisse, "normal person" lashes. The combination of this tarte multiplEYE lash primer and Lights, Camera, Lashes! Mascara really give a ton of extra jazz hands to my lashes, and really gets the job done. I just do one coat of primer, wait a bit, then a coat (or two, if you're nasty) of mascara. Viola, sexy mofo eyeballs in the house.

If you're looking to get the most from your lashes, without going the fauxness route, totally try this little duo. Check it out on QVC here.

via parksandrec tumblr

You'll be forever photoshoot ready, Knope style.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel in Original Formula

Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Face Peel, $15-$78

I know that it seems as if I'm always bitching about the sh*tiness of my skin, and I'm trying to get better about. Like, at least I have a face. But if my new BFFs from Dr. Dennis Gross keep sending me bomb ass products like the Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel, I might not even have to whine anymore. Let's get a quote from the man to see what this stuff is all about:

“This anti-aging product not only diminishes the appearance of wrinkles, but helps complexion problems, balances oil, tones skin, and increases clarity and radiance. Plus, it proves a daily, gentle approach can give superior results vs. a harsh approach. Like exercising daily is better than a long workout once a week, it’s better to treat your skin daily."  - Dr. Dennis Gross

Dammit, I have to workout more. But I can tell you, coming from the crappy skin queen, that this product made a big ol' difference on my mean, mean mug. I mostly noticed that the discoloration I had from old breakouts have waaaaay faded, and my skin just looks more clear. Plus, it feels soft as a kitten's butt. And if you're on a budget, Dr. Gross now offers a little mini pack of five treatments for $15. Not too shabby, yo'.

Oh, and if you're worried about the degree of difficulties on something that sounds semi-ominous, have no fears. YOU WIPE YOUR FACE, WAIT TWO MINUTES, AND WIPE WITH ANOTHER WIPE. You've got this, brain surgeons. Check out all of the peel goodness here.



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Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?

Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.

Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.

No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.

I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.

And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.

 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs

UPDATE IN THIS B:

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.

This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.


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Sh*t Guys Should Never Wear

I'm glad I'm not a dude, you guys. You're so limited on your attractiveness level. You can't wear dresses or skirts, can't do too much with your hair, and can't wear makeup without b's judging the sh*t out of you. And guess what, dude-types? I'm about to limit your crap even more, because I have compiled a list of stuff that guys should never, ever wear. (Or just not around my ass.)

Cargo Shorts

 Who needs two huge ass pockets attached to their person all the time? What the eff are you carrying around? The entire set of Encyclopedia Britannicas? The Encyclopedia Britannica guy???

I wish that were the case. I picked this specific picture of cargo shorts for a reason. I hate the socks, too. The leg flesh to cloth ratio is waaaay off. I can't handle it. It's gross.

Turtlenecks

I can't reiterate this fact enough. TURTLENECKS ARE EFFING HORRID. Don't wear them.

Sandals

What the hell kind of tom foolery is this?!? A man's feet are pretty unattractive anyway, but I really don't need to see dem b*tches highlighted in this fashion. I can deal with a flip flop here and there, but this is just show pony-ing some grossness. You're a step away from wearing a clear jelly shoe, sir. No friggin' thanks.

Jorts

I know that this is beating a dead horse, but jean shorts are the Devil's denim mistress for guys. The only thing worse are denim capri pants. I can only hope that they all simultaneously combust somehow. And can we please note the dude in the above photo's shirt? What is that? A baby tee?

Insane Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of dude jewelry (dudewelry???). There's something super skeevy about it to me. Like I'm in danger of being sold into an Eastern European sex trade, or something. Especially a lot of rings, not going there...

via nbcparksandrec tumblr

Did I miss any other grossness, ladies? Let's gross each other out.

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Random Homies: I'm Upping My Eyebrow Game With Billion Dollar Brows.

Hi, my name is Shannon, and I'm obsessed with eyebrows. But if you guys have read, like, ANYTHING I've ever written then you already know that. So when Billion Dollar Brows sent me some products to add to my iron-clad brow ritual, I was pretty closed-minded on the whole thing. I have been using the same eyebrow pencil/powder combo for roughly 48 years, and I don't like to w around too much on that routine. I like what I like, mmmmkay?

top, sans pencil (duh), bottom, after using the universal brow pencil

I started out with the Universal Brow Pencil ($15), which is exactly what the name states -- the color blends with pretty much any eyebrow color, unless maybe if you have EXTREMELY light brows. It's a nice, ashy tone that's a lightish to medium brown color. Because lemme tell you, if you use an orangey/brassy pencil, you WILL look crazy. I promise. And I'm not really sure why it looks like I was punched in the eye in this picture, weird lighting does crazy things. (???)

They also sent over this little beaut, the Smudge Brush ($15), which I originally thought was just completely unnecessary. But using it to blend in the penciling really makes it look like 76% better than the pencil alone. I find myself using this em effer every day, which is pretty shocking, considering my high levels of laziness.

The other product I tried was the Brow Duo Pencil ($18), which is half concealer, half highlighter pencil. It's like a mermaid, but makes your eyebrows friggin' awesome. (Why can't I just be a mermaid with amazing ass eyebrows? Life is so unfair.) This pencil is the perfect little friend to carry in your purse to give your eyes a pick-me-up with a dab of highlighter under the brow or a swipe of concealer to mask any craziness that you might have happening on your mug. I wasn't sure if this puppy would be too creamy to work on my oily ass mess of a face, but it's totally awesome and non-gross. (I'm very scientific with this ish.)

Bottom line -- I've been using all of these b's on the reg, and giving my old eyebrow homies a rest. This stuff is as good as a juggling Dylan McKay...

via 90210gifs

And that's the good good. Check out everything that BDB has to offer here.




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Oh, Sh*t. GUUUUUURL of the LIFETIME, You Guys: This Guy.

Bill Dollear, just effing marry me, you son of a b. I have seriously NEVER laughed so hard at someone's lofty, broken ass dreams as I did just now. I am truly a heartless, cold b*tch, but this ish is hilarious. Sorry, Bill -- call me. You can hang your tarp in my garage/car port/rec room whenever you want. Oh, and I'm pregnant.

P.S. WHO THE EFF IS REPRESENTING THIS PERSON? HOW DOES THIS EXIST???

via reddit

UPDATE: If you can't get enough, and you are wearing Depends adult diapers and have some eye drops handy, please watch Gary Murphy. (B doesn't blink ONCE. Like, ever.) Oh, and language is NSFW on this one, because GARY IS A BOSS.



Okay, I'm done. I think I can be an actor.




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