Monday, January 28, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:
  • Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
  • No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
  • BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
  • Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
  • Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
  • LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
  • WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
  • Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
  • I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
  • Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
  • WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
  • What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
  • I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
  • Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
  • "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
  • I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
  • I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.
Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

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