GUUUUUURL of the Day: Kanyeezy's Pseudo-Hero Mask

via buzzfeed

Dammit, West, what kind of nonsensical stupidity is happening here? You look like a milk man/priest/guy from Fat Albert hybrid.

Or like a kid on Halloween whose mom totally forgot that it was Halloween, because she works like three jobs (she's had some tough times), and then the kid is all, "MOOOOM, I don't even have a costume!" and she cuts a hole in the hat she's wearing and says it's a Spiderman costume. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that you're holding your wenis like a corn cob. Can we just stop all of this sh*t, already? YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SOMETHING'S FATHER.

Enough is a mother effin' nough.

P.S. This is why the world wants to collectively punch you.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week's Allure blog is all for you, beauty bloggers of the world. This is "Why You NEED to Enter the Allure Beauty Blogger Awards (Yes, You)."



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I Think It's Time to Talk Timberlake for a Minute.

via timmy's website

I've kept pretty effin' mum on JT for a long ass time. I didn't say sh*t about that rude ass wedding video, I haven't mentioned how Jessica Biel is irritating to me, I haven't even brought up the meeeeeehhhhh feeling that his new song bring me. (Is it two songs? Is it kind of super boring? I'm old and confused.) But THEN I came across the photos posted on Justin's website of his ass back in the studio, and realized that #1) he looks hot, and #2) his beard isn't very neck beard-y. I mean, amiright?

Not even a shade of this monstrosity in sight, which is completely newsworthy to my ass.

both photos via jt's website

A couple of other noteworthy things -- henleys are apparently the hot sauce to ol' JT, and Timbaland is back. Are we still doing the whole Timbaland thing? I guess Timbaland is to JT what Grumpy Cat is to me. Whatever floats it, I suppose.



I totally know where Justified is biting his style from, however. I watched Paris is Burning for the first time last night, and that henley is looking MIGHTY close to the one that Ken Pendavis is wearing at the 6:30 mark in this video. I see you, Timberlake.

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Why I Still Love Grumpy Cat, and I WILL NOT Stop the Effery.

She HATES cuddling. As do I -- get off my jock/personal space, other humans!

GC hates the outdoors. Being outside is TERRIBLE, you guys. It smells weird.

We both hate parties. TALKING TO ACTUAL PEOPLE?!? No.

She is NOT into grocery shopping. It's SO EFFING ANNOYING.

GC knows that being cold is SO GROSS.

We both know how HORRIBLE sports are. Why do people like this sh*t???

Are you guys sick of Grumpy Cat? Why can't I let her go? How do I move on with my life?

All photos via grumpycats.com.

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Random Homie: Mariah Carey's OPI Stay the Night from INPINK

My hands look like they're made from glittery moon rock, you guys, and I mean that ish in the best way possible. The nice people over at INPINK sent me a sample of the highly anticipated (in my heart) OPI/Mariah Carey callabo polish, Stay the Night ($9) and also a sassy little pave bracelet ($20), which I have been wearing the eff out of.

Now let's talk the polish. It's a black, matte polish with a pink glitter in it. And the finish is called sand, which means it dries to a sandpaper-type finish. It's seriously unlike any other nail product I've used. It's like a pumice stone, but glittery as sh*t. (Is that THE WORST description, ever?) You just need two coats of polish to get this sweet ass finish, but don't use a top coat because it's meant to look like SAND, hello. And I feel like the wear of the polish will be really long, because I've been wearing it for three days, and don't really have any chips. That's pretty unheard of for me, because I am hard as hell on my nails. They are like my own ten personal swiss army knives...that are attached to my hand.

See? It's still looking damn good, people. I'm totally into it. It makes me feel like this:

via mrhankey

 I really recommend this ish, if nothing more than it's different than anything I've ever tried before. Go visit the INPINK site to see all of the Mariah Carey/OPI possibilities. Hellllllooooo, moon fingers!




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My Old School (Lip) Jam and a New School Twist

clinique, $15

SURELY, if you are reading this blog, then you know about Clinique's Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. If not, then honey boo, it's time to get up on that train (and ride it). It's like a sheer-y, a little glossy, perfect bit of color to your lips. As if you've been drinking red wine -- and maybe noshing on a lil' cheesecake -- on a veranda with Blanche Devereaux all day. And who the hell doesn't want that lip color?!? This stuff has been around for years, so it's like an O.G. lip deal, much like my Blanche. Thank you for being a friend, Black Honey.

my new friend, shine attract lipstick (left) and black honey (right)

But I have a new pal, you guys. Avon's Shine Attract Lipstick in All Around Russet is kind of similar to my Black Honey, and the lipstick is on sale RIGHT NOW for $5.99. The exact shade is not available yet (this was another goodie from my Allure Best of Beauty haul, I believe), but there are a plethora of badass shades up in that b that you should try. Oh, and here's a swatch -- because I love your ass. (Not your ASS ass, but you.)

Pretty, pretty sweet, right? And I'm totally into the clear whatever it is around the color part of the lipstick. It makes it so un-lipsticky, and shiny. I'm totally feeling it. So I now have to share my love between my old school homegirl and my new fling. I feel like that douchey dude from Sister Wives.

 Totally feel you Kody with a k. Totally.



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Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:



You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed

Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.

And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.

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Random Homie: Bango by Pro Beauty Tools

I'm not a home-bang-cutting virgin, you guys. Part of loving DIY beauty is deciding to cut some badass blunt bangs on a whim, and then promptly doing that sh*t before thinking of the consequences. Many a time have I ended up with some whack ass craziness happening on my head area. But a little while ago, I was alerted to this new little handy kit called Bango, which helps you cuts your own bangs at home. I got to try one, and here's what it comes with:

Like, literally, everything you would need to take care of the job. There's even an instructional DVD that shows you how to trimmy trim everything from blunt bangs to split ends. But the real star of the show is that little pink clip/comb deal. You just clip it on whatever area you want to trim, slide that ish to the end, and trim to the guide with the scissors provided. Mess is so easy that it isn't even funny, you guys. This kit costs around $15, and is TOTALLY worth it for anyone that has baby/blunt/side/crazy/sane/Flock of Seagulls/whatever else bangs. Check out where you can find Bango to purchase fo' yo' own ass here, so you can quit jacking up your own ish.

Yep, like that.

P.S. I can't tell you how proud of myself I am that I made ZERO crude jokes in this post. Hooray for maturity!




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Crazy Sh*t Celebrities Have Been Telling Me

No, I haven't been hearing the voices of famous people in my head. I'm not to THAT level, yet. I'm talking about on the social medias. I try to follow as many b's as possible on Twitter/Instagram/Grindr (I wish). And on occasion, that mess pays off. This is what has been happening in the celebrity world lately.

My lifetime role model, R Simms, talked about lunch boxes. (Heh -- boxes.)

Amanda Bynes bedazzled her face. With a needle. (Or however they do that ish.)

JB FINALLY listened to my ass for once in his mutha effin' life, and looked like he was in an all-lesbian review of West Side Story in the process. (P.S. Does that exist??? Because I would be VERY interested in watching that.)

Lilo talked about herself via Google Facts. We're all VERY impressed, Linds. You're special. And now for the picture that made my life...

LANA DEL REY IS F*CKING SMILING IN CURRENT DAY TIMES, YOU GUYS. What. Is. Happening? If someone had told me that this day would come, I would have never believed it. And she looks totally norms! Like a real and actual humanoid -- I feel quite confused.

And now I must go rest, I do believe that this has given me the vapors.

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It's a NYX-plosion, B's!

I have never, ever, until recently, tried NYX Cosmetics. I know, I know -- I'm a horrible beauty person. I remedied this situation by asking the peeps at NYX to send me a palette to try, and because they are awesome, they did. They sent me a couple of palettes, but I find myself using one in particular EVERY SINGLE DAY. You know when you have one of those eyeshadow deals. You try to stop using the same sh*t constantly, but somehow your shadow brush keeps gravitating toward that b on the reg. Well, that's me and this bad boy, the NYX Wicked dreams Palette -- proof that being an old, always-in-a-using-the-same-stuff-rut curmudgeon doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

nyx wicked dreams palette, $15

I love that this palette is mostly neutrals, and then has a few jewel-toned shadows tossed in the mix.

Here are just a few of the roughly bajillion looks that you can create with this 24 shadow palette. And the quality of these thang-a-langs ain't too shabby, either, especially considering the low, low price tag of $15. But guess what? My mutha effin' NYX-plotation didn't even stop there. I was looking to buy a matte liquid lipstick from another brand, and while I was reading reviews, I saw that NYX makes a similar product with their Soft Matte Lip Cream. And with a price of $6, it is a fraction of a fraction of the price of the original lip product I was going to buy. So I got my ass in the car and drove nearly 29834982 miles (okay, it was 20 minutes) to the far ass away Ulta that's closest to my house to snatch these mofos up as fast as I could. (Oh, and P to the S, they are currently BOGO at Ulta. So it was a total $9 investment.)

addis ababa (top) and monte carlo (bottom), $6 each

I LOVE THESE THINGS. The Monte Carlo shade is especially magical. It's like roses and unicorns came together to live a tiny, tiny life on your pouty lips. And the formula is different than really anything else I've ever used. It is matte, but not pilly or drying -- if you've ever used a long wear lip product you are totally picking up what I'm throwing down when I say "pilly," right? Yep, thought so.

Okay, enough raving for today. I have to keep up my b face street cred. So what's the moral to this long-ass story??? I'm a total NYX-onette right now.

via buzzfeed

Okay, that was totally unrelated to anything, but I've been dying to use this GIF for over a week. Via la Sugar Bear!

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week's Allure blog is for all you sicklings out there. And I present to you: How to Look Awesome When You Feel Like Total Garbage.

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I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)

via buzzfeed

I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.

Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.


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Beauty Ish I Learned from Watching Seinfeld.

I really love Seinfeld. Even though it's so effing old at this point, I can still watch episode after episode endlessly. And I really feel like it's still relevant today, even though the show was totally and completely in the 90's.

 

Sigh. I'm an old ass b -- I'm completely aware. I've even garnered some beauty tips from watching the show, which is a completely strange occurrence. Here are some of them, gathered up and served hotter than the coffee that scalded Kramer's crotch.

Using unconventional beauty products is okay.
 


I actually use coconut oil as my body lotion every day, so I totally feel Kramer on this one. But, beware baking yourself, as he did later in the episode.

Smoking is bad as eff for your looks.



I know that my ass (face) doesn't want to look like a pruned up mofo. Don't smoke people. It's not cute.

Sometimes you need a little (artificial) beauty help.



Listen, there ain't a THANG wrong with utilizing a little fake hair. George's toupee wasn't looking all that glamorous, but do what you gotta do, guys.

Don't be afraid to work what you've got.



Errrrm, this is pretty self explanatory. WERK. THAT. ISH. Sometimes it just gets the job done.

Water pressure is really important.



Bad water pressure can totally eff up your game, man. Don't drool on me, shower, and expect me to be happy about that sh*t.

Do your asses ever pick up beauty tips from scripted TV shows? Andy Griffith or some sh*t? Share your wisdoms!


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This Is Why I Can Never Have Kids

Have you guys heard about how Farrah from OG Teen Mom (RIP) tried to wax her three year old kid's unibrow? Yes? No? Not familiar? Just go read this blog of hers first so we're all on the same damn page. First off, I would be remiss if I didn't say that homegirl should not be writing things. She's using emoticons within sentences. I'm no effin' MLA style writing handbook, but that sh*t doesn't fly with me. But, here's the part where I have to give b a break. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T WAX A KID'S EYEBROWS. I mean, I don't think it sounds like a GOOD idea, but it doesn't really seem like a BAD, bad idea. Then again, I know that on the terrible human scale, I am a strong 8.5 out of ten. I am not delusional.

It seems like it's a little Toddlers and Tiaras to literally wax of a toddler's body hair, but it doesn't seem like the worst thing a person could do. I mean, have you seen some unibrows? They can be quite tragic. I've seen a perfectly beautiful man completely leveled to a below average type deal by some effed up eyebrows.

Wearing a fur hat over your fur brows isn't helping, Noel Gallagher.

See what I mean? Tragic. While it's probably best that you wait until a kid is a teenager, or something, to start ripping hairs from their bodies, let's cut this girl some slack. We wouldn't want to make her cry. Will you look at that cry face? Let's avoid that whole thing.

via realitytvgifs

I don't blame you, HBB. This ish is rough.



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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask

Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask, $42

Who doesn't love a good face mask? (No, not like a Halloween deal-y, although those are pretty dope -- yep, I went there -- too. Except for the rubbery smell when you're wearing them. Not dope.) I've tried my fair share of the sulfur-based masks for acne skin, and I'm usually pretty friggin' "meh" over most of them. They can be overly-drying, or give you that red post-mask weird face thing, that kind of makes you look like you're just wearing a reddish mask upon your mug. So, when the Dr. Gross peeps sent me this mask to try, I was a little worried that it would be one of those culprits. But, no suh (that's my southern twang), it wasn't, to my delight. And better yet, my skin looks instantly cleaner and brighter after using this mask. But let's hear from the experts what it does:

A dermatologist formulated mask that clarifies the skin by absorbing excess oil and acne-causing bacteria. The advanced “time absorbent” formula works especially well when worn overnight.

I also tried it overnight, and it wasn't weird at all. But I feel like the ten minute job does everything it needs to just fine. You can also use it to spot treat blemishes, and it totally shrinks them. Even my big ass gross ones. The dispenser took some getting used to -- it's like a flat pump with a little hole thing that you just push down on to get the goodness out. I'm kind of a dumbass, so I was flipping that sh*t all around like an freaking baton to try to get the pump to work. The good thing is, you just need to leave that b upright and push down. Let me do all of the hard work for your ass, mmmmkay?

Check out the mask for yourself here.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lil' Waynes NEWEST Face Tattoo. (The Old Ones are Kind of Grandfathered in, I Guess.)

pic via spin

I mean, I really didn't even think that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does: Tattooing sh*t on your face is not a great idea. Not only did Lil' Wayne (Side note -- how long in life can one be known as "Lil'" whatever? Is there an age cap on that? I feel like if you are a septuagenarian, or something, it's gone on far too long.) get another face tattoo, but this one reads "BAKED" in squares. It's apparently in reference to a skateboard company competitor? Or something? I don't know, you go try to figure that mess out. I'm far, far too old to know what the eff all of this means.

One thing that I do feel pretty, pretty confident about is not getting a tattoo...on your face. Especially when it's a possible advertising ploy. Like, you realize that is your FACE face, right? And you already have a bunch of OTHER tattoos on that b? You only have one forehead, Lil'. Let's not make it a cluttered Penny Saver advertising page. IT'S YOUR FACE, MAN.

via realitytvgifs

You look crazy.



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