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Monday, July 30, 2012

PTL. Something Cheap That Works Like a MoFo. (Or at Least a Mo. Or a Fo.)

By this time, if you know ANY effin' THING about me, you know a couple of things: I am an oily, oily ass b, and I love some cheapness. But I really hate when something is cheap and doesn't work. I have a freakin' crap load of junk that falls into that category.

On the oily tip, I feel like I have tried almost every dry shampoo out there. From cheap to expensive, powder that you shake on to spray nonsense, I've tried it all. Back in the day, when my hair was so blonde that it was pretty much white, baby powder was my jam. I mean it's made to absorb moisture. Bam! Done. But now that my hair is dark, that ish is completely out the window. Don't even attempt that mess, you will look like a trashy attempt at a George Washington costume. Not good. Back to the point, I have yet to find a dry shampoo in all of my explorations that really does a bomb ass job. I'm usually served up with a big ol' helping of "meeeeeh," with a large side of still oily hair.

Which brings me to a few weeks ago. One of my friends, who feels my oily/dark hair/every dry shampoo sucks pains let me know that she had found a winner in the dry shampoo. Enter Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo:

You can buy it pretty much anywhere, from Walmart to Target to Walgreens (or wherever the eff) and it's about $6 or $7. I was pretty "b please" about it before I tried it, because usually these 'invisible' dry shampoos are: a) not invisible, and b) don't friggin' work. But I have to say, I was impressed by this lil' dude. I read some of the low reviews on Amazon, and I have to put this out there -- don't spray it on the ends of your hair if you want your hair to be soft and shiny. SPRAY IT ON YO' ROOTS, PEOPLE. I actually took some before and after pictures of my three day unwashed gross hair. Those of you with a weak stomach, avert your eyes.
Not bad. I wouldn't win even World's Ugliest Dog beauty pageant or anything, but much, much better. One and a half thumbs up! (If you are of normal oily levels, this will be your new b.)




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True Blood Musings: They Can't All Be Blood Fests...

The highlight of the show this week was LaLa's head wrap/earring/eyelash combo. Love it. Let's talk about the rest of this week's snooze fest-ish episode.

Jump that ish!


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Friday, July 27, 2012

Weirdest Beauty Review to Write...


It's no secret up in these parts that I am a True Blood fan. So I was super excited when HSN sent me their fragrance inspired by True Blood, Forsaken, to try. But here's the rub: How the eff do you even review a perfume? Like how can I describe a smell to you? I don't know ish about "fragrance notes" or whatever. I feel like that's something that a sommelier or something would know about. Or maybe Heather from the Real Housewives of OC. She's fancy.


See, I don't even know what the hell bergamot is. Sigh.

So, let me give my amateurish, I-wore-Sunflowers-for-a-long-ass-time review. It smells really good. Okay, see you guys later! No. It has a slightly muskier, darker, sexy vanilla-ish smell. It smells like a sexy vampire. Like how Pam might smell, for instance. Like "I might devour you, or I might let you live." I'm totally into it. Like this:


Minus the Herve Leger dress, plus vanilla. The entire True Blood collection is available for purchase only on HSN August 9th. You can see for your self what this potion smells of. Or Heather, help me.






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And My "That Dude's Hot" Shame Spiral Hits a New Low.

I came across this article on I'm Not Obsessed, which contained this photograph of young Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all, "Justin Beiber is hot now." No, he's not. BUT, I was like, "Who is that slightly trashy, Liev Schreiber's less attractive brother looking, jorts wearing, hot man with Lady Biebs?"
Pic via Imnotobesessed.com
Holy ish, you guys. THAT'S J. BIEBS DAD. It's not Kevin Federline's hotter cousin. Ugh. I'm old. And completely gross. I'm going to bury my disgust in cupcakes and wine wine cooler (more appropriate). It's 8:45 where I live right now. IDGAF.

Update: Because I'm weird, I couldn't stop thinking about 'Lady Beibs', and I really think that Justin Bieber should make a cameo on Downton Abbey. This is what it might look like.

I'm done. Happy Friday, b faces.




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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My Strange Addiction: Hair Color Edition

I'm weird. (I know, no ish on that one.) But one of my weirdest quirks comes to my treatment of hair dye. I have a horrible habit of having a boss b as a hair stylist, and then deciding that I should dye my own sh*t. I don't know what the eff my deal is. I'm an a-hole.

In my quest to be the world's worst hair client, I have tried just about every home hair dye out there, from the cheap mess to Sally Beauty Supply "professional" stuff. I'm surprised I haven't melted my own face off at this point. I stopped by the ol' Sephora today and got Couture Colour's Luxeblend™ Crème Hair Colour With Pequi Glossing Serum in Dark Brown, because I have been dying (har, har) to try a little bit more of an upscale at home dye, and this one doesn't have ammonia.
This is what the kit looks like. It comes with a brush (but no bowl) if you want to apply it that way, or it also has a bottle tip, if that's more your bag. They also include a little vial of pequi oil (whatever the hell that is) to use to condition the hair after coloring. I guess it's like a Moroccan/argan oil. That's what it seemed like to me.

I chose to use the brush application method, because a) I'm a badass, and b) I have a hair color bowl. It actually makes a pretty large amount of dye when mixed. It was really just the perfect amount of product to do an all-over color. I was a little worried (not really) about how the color would turn out, because I had read some reviews on the Sephora website that said all of the colors were darker than the box. Um, duh peeps. It's home hair color. That ish is always darker. And it's called DARK brown. Dark.
Here are my before and after results. I have had some ombre/balayage highlights for several months now, and I'm over it. So I really just wanted to cover them b's up. The afters are an inside and an outside photo. I'm happy with the color. It's a dark brown, which is what I expected, and the color is very even and shiny. And the smell was pleasant (to me anyway) but I actually like the smell of hair dye. I'm a gross weirdo.

I think I have found my new go to hair dye for the periods of time when I want to pretend that I know WTF I'm doing. Are you guys DIY-ers? Or am I the only crazy ass?




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Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

Pic via Allure Magazine
This week, for my Allure blog, I discussed my intense lady love for the beauty stylings of Gwen Stenfani. Click here to check that shizz out!




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Monday, July 23, 2012

True Blood Musings: Let's Get Drunk on Old-Ass Vamp Blood!

This week is brought to you by Russell's Lollipop Guild hair.

Please tell me that this man is wearing a wig. Let's discuss all of this nonsense...

JUMP!


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#HighFashion


And people wonder why I love court shows.



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Jem and the Holograms Made Me a Crazy B

I think that we can all agree that Jem is the hottest cartoon of all time.


But I can also say, with complete confidence, that this b effed up my life. How can you even live up to glamor like this? A lace fingerless glove AND a leather fingerless glove? I mean, damn, a regular b doesn't stand a chance. And in this video, Jem becomes A JEM MERMAID. Sigh.



Seriously, I think that Jem made a huge impact on my young life. Here are the Jem-isms that have stuck with me:

Wear Whatever the Hell Crazy Outfit You Want: I have always been somewhat of a fashion risk-taker. I was never one to care about matching, and I have been known to be somewhat over-the-top at times. My mom told me a few months ago that "I was finally in style, because not matching is a thing now." Sigh.

A Badass Earring Can Make Everything Better: I really like to wear a 'statement' earring in one ear, and like a stud, or whatever, in the other. I think it really harkens back to my Jem days, and that damn magical earring. If I had one that could light up, that ish would rock my world.

All Pink Errrthing: Damn, I love pink. And a little more than any dumb dumb in her thirties should. If I could have Jem-pink hair right now, and not look crazier than tanning mom, (too dated a reference?) I totally would. Man, I hate myself.

Don't Be Afraid to Take a Chance on Beauty:  Jem wears damn hot pink eyeshadow trapezoids like a boss. That mess inspires me to try different hairstyles, makeup colors, and more. Who cares if your look might lean more toward the insane side of the beauty scale? YOLO. (I know, I know.)

Now get ready for you day to be ruined. You better get your novelty-sized eraser out, because you are about to clear your schedule for the foreseeable future. Jem and the Holograms is on Netflix watch instantly. On a completely unrelated note, I have to go. I have to weed my vegetable garden, or something. (And no, that is NOT a euphemism for something sexual.) Okay, fine. I'll be in a mother effin' Jem-induced rabbit hole for the next 2384032984 hours. Bye, b's.




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Friday, July 20, 2012

Look 72% More Sexual in Like Two Minutes

Here's my normal, blah face, you guys:


 Oh, hey there, vanilla face. Sometimes you just feel a little "meh" about yourself, you know? I have a beauty pick me up that only takes a couple of minutes, and will totally SEX YOU UP. Like this:



P.S. How INSANE are homeboy's eyebrows? And is that other dude Kenny G? And whatever "making love until we drown" is sounds disgusting. And if I open a pottery painting place and call it Color Me Badd, do you think these b's will sue my ass? And if I ever smoke, it will exclusively be pink cigarettes. Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, here are the two things that will add instant sexy to a blah day: A red lip and liquid liner cat eye. Here I am, but it will be better on you. I'm only .098320482% sexier, but it's the best I get.


Now, don't freak if you don't know how to do the cat eye. Here's my tutorial from a while back. Now let's all get sexy faced, you little w's!




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Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'm Wearing My Over-Sized NKOTB Pin in My Retirement Home


Donnie Wahlberg (if you don't know who that is, it's time to go) posted this picture of the current state of affairs of New Kids on the Block to his twitter. It appears that they are in a bath house of some sort, and have become an Freddie Mercury tribute band. Damn, we are all getting old, aren't we? Jon looks like he's in dire need of  a nap and some cucumbers on his eyes. Danny's hardly in the picture, because he was never anyone's favorite. BUT, my man Jordan (Does anyone else find it weird that a middle aged man's name is JORDAN? People, think of these things when you name them kids.) is looking guuuurd still. I'm picking up everything he's throwing down.

Who was your favorite NKOTB? If you say Danny, you're a damn liar.



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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Awkward Crush of the Day: Breaking Bad's Walter, Jr.


I'm pretty sure that you guys know that I pretty much hate myself. Well, I can add another reason to the ol' gross list. I have a pretty, pretty horrible confession: I have a thing for Walt, Jr. from Breaking Bad. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, first off, you need to watch this show. It's mf-ing good. Secondly, here comes the gross part. Walter, Jr. is the son of the main character, and is...umm...16. Here he is in the background, behind OG Walter. (He also has cerebral palsy, which is why he uses crutches.)


But, don't call the FBI or anything. I googled it, and he's 19 in real life! So I'm still gross, but not illegally so. JUST weird enough to be a creeper, but not enough to warrant a visit from Chris Hansen. Score, mf-er's!

And I even have a runner up:


I've never really found Joseph Gordon-Levitt sexual at all, but he's looking pretty hot here. This is how I usually think of him:


B was as sexually ambiguous as I was in the 90's. Okay, I'm seriously done exposing my weird ish (for today). Please tell me that you guys develop strange crushes on strange strange. Don't leave this b hanging!



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True Blood Musings: And There Goes a Hot B

 This picture is obvi not from this week's episode, but I love this Russell Edgington picture. It's like, "Oh, hello there. I just came in from a fox hunt-themed man wig party. I didn't see you there."

 Speaking of Russell, lets talk about this week. JUMP!

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

So This Happened...

According to X17 Online, last night Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, and Lana Del Rey had a sleepover at Chateau Marmont. During this CRAZY, crazy sleepover, they reportedly were "watching old movies and playing board games." Oh, ish! Hold me back. Below is an artist's (my) representation of what happened last night.


Oh, damn. GIRL TALK? This mess just got real.


If Mall Madness was up in that piece, I'm going to be jealous as hell. I wanted Mall Madness SO FREAKIN' BADLY, and my mom said it was too expensive. Sigh. Such a c-block of board game bitchin'-ness.




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Badass tarte Kit + Helping the Rainforest = Oh Yayer! (Thanks, Outkast.)

The peeps over at tarte sent me the what has your makeup done for you lately? kit to try, which goes on sale tomorrow only on QVC and qvc.com. The kit will sell for $50, and the value is $160. Um, yes please!
The kit contains six products:

LipSurgence lip shine: (See swatch below) I love this lil' guy. It's a lip pencil that is super glossy (for a pencil) and has a minty, yummy flavor. I also love that it has a sharpener in the cap. Yesss'm.

pure maracuja oil rollerball: This is a super-hydrating oil that comes from an Amazonian flower and is very similar to argan oil. I like that it comes in a rollerball top, because it makes it really easy to apply to your face. As an oily-skinned sister, I would probably not use this on days that I wear makeup, and reserve it for days that I'm being a complete hermity, gross blogger.

retoucher flawless finish bamboo foundation brush: This is a foundation brush that will buff your foundation onto your skin by using circular motions. I like this guy, too.

maracuja miracle 12-hr foundation with Broad Spectrum SPF 15: To be honest, I haven't given this b enough time on the ho stroll yet. I got it in the shade for my self-tanned skin, and I'm pale as a mofo right now. It comes in five shades, BT-Dubs. I do like the finish on it. It goes on smoothly and has a slightly dewy finish. But like I said, I haven't worn it all day or anything, so oily peeps use with caution.

modernEYES waterproof creaseless shadow/liner: (See swatches below) This is a little bad b of a pencil that is shadow on one side and liner on the other. It has a kind of purplely/plum undertones, and the shadow especially is a gaw-geous color.

gifted Amazonian clay smart mascara: This mascara is supposed to increase lash volume by 406%. Hell if I know, but I really like this ish. Rashida Jones, Rachel Roy and Krysten Ritter are all big fans of this mascara as well. So you know I'm in if Krysten Ritter like it. (Creepy, much? Yes, I am.)


The best part of the whole deal is that tarte is donating a portion of the proceeds of this makeup kit to the Sustainable Amazon Partnership, which helps promote lasting sustainable management of the Brazilian Amazon Rainforest. Below is a picture of a school that they helped build.


I really like all of the products in this kit, and they fact that part of the proceeds go to a good cause makes them all even better. See, I'm not a completely dark sided b!






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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

Pic via Allure.com
My next installment for Allure's Daily Beauty Reporter is up. And this time I talk about my bang journey and stalking Krysten Ritter and Carly Rae Jepsen. Go read it here.



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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Creepy Ass Beauty: I Like to Live Vicariously Through Dolls.

I was kind of a spoiled kid. I had not one, but all three (that was all that was available at the time) of the American Girl dolls -- Kirsten, Molly, and Samantha. My favorite was Samantha, by far. She was a hoity toity b, and came with a freakin' velvet clutch and a fancy ass, albeit somewhat ill-fitting, hat. How can you hate on that ish?

If you guys are feeling a little bit fuzzy on what Samatha looked like, here she is:
Oh, you fancy, huh?
That girl looks guuuurd, right? With ol' Sam (That was her nickname, it was in the story, you guys!) being my favorite toy of my privileged-ass childhood, what's better than finding beauty products that totally make me think of my OG homegirl?
Burberry Brit Eau de Parfum, $72
My first Samantha pick is Burberry Brit perfume. I mean, seriously?!? Boo Boo's dress could have totally been a Burberry print. Plus, she's a fancy b, and Burberry is totally for fancy people.
Smashbox Master Class 11 Meet the Masters Palette, $59
Next up is this badass limited edition palette from Smashbox. Samantha was a painter (you could buy that mess for extra), so this palette would totally speak to her artistic sensibilities. I need this bad boy in my life. Look at all the fun ish you get in this beast!
Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set, $175
Speaking of stuff I want, how freaking cool is this barrel curler set? You can switch out the barrel of the wand to achieve different tightness of curls, ranging from curly Sue to mermaid. Okay, I made that part up, but you get what I'm throwing down here. This is perfect for Samantha, because homeslice had really good hair. It had the perfect amount of wave, and was super shiny. Not like my girl, Kristen. Her mop was a hot mess. Sadness.
LAFCO Tree House (Majestic Oak) Candle, $55
I have a weakness for expensive ass soy candles. This one smells like a tree house, apparently. And that is perfect for Samantha, because according to her American Girl Dolls Wiki page (That exists!!!), "She has a rough side such as climbing trees and feels it is very hard to be a young lady." Anything that costs $55 has to smell amaze, right?
Velvet Bow Stretch Headband, $16
Obviously, Samantha has a strong affection for both velvet and bows (Have you SEEN the size of her head bows?), so this cute Esty headband would be perfect for her. It would also be perfect for me, but that's neither here nor there.

Samantha was one of my first style icons, sadly. Well maybe She-Ra, Stawberry Shortcake (That was a good-smelling b.), or Jem were my FIRST first. Who did you love as a kid? Did you have any American Girl dolls?


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Monday, July 9, 2012

Feast Your Eyes Moment: Jon Hamm is Sporty Spice


Jon Hamm was obvi playing baseball for some reason or another, that I really can't be bothered with to research. I just know that Don Draper is a hot, hot b.

Speaking of Jon Hamm, if you missed the live epi of 30 Rock this season, watch this ish. Then, you can thank my ass.




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True Blood Musing: The Supes are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Way to ruin the mood, Sook. Go take a dramamine with some ginger ale or something. Let's talk about this mess of a mess.

JUMP that ish!
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Saturday, July 7, 2012

Breaking News: Hot People Wear Bikinis, Look Hot.

Duh, everyone in the world is a the beach right now. So a plethora of celebrities have either tweeted pictures of themselves or been photographed in bikinis. I, on the other hand, have been alternating between working my retail job and eating a sh*tload of pastries. I'm pretty disgusting.

First up, Heidi Klum tweeted this picture of herself:
Yeah, she looks so gross. Cover that mess up. JK. She looks super hot. Sigh.

Also coming from her own tweet, here's Britney Spears and her young'ns:
Lookin' good, Brit-a-saurus Rex! And it's nice that you gave your hair stylist the holiday off. Sweet.

Next up, in the super posing for photogs category, is Aubrey O'Day. Girlfriend is letting those cheeks fly high on the 4th of Juuuu-ly, honey:
Pic via Daily Mail
Next we have double the hotness with Nicole Sheroiweuroewhatever (I'm not googling that) and Krysten Ritter:
Pic via Huffington Post
Wow, that amazing beach doesn't look NEARLY as fun as me eating potato chips right now. But you know what?
That's Tina Fey's kid, and I want to adopt her. Did you guys do anything fun this week/weekend? Make my ass ever more jealous, please.



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Thursday, July 5, 2012

I AM NEVER, EVER HAVING KIDS.



I wish a pterodactyl would swoop down right now and rip out my eyeballs and ear holes. Where are the parents of this child? Is his mom one of the b's booty popping in his face? Where the eff is Chris Hansen?


P.S. This dude is 6. Like in kindergarten 6.

Hurry! I need something to make me feel like a human again.


Look at that widdle tongue! This hamster is doing more age appropriate stuff than that kid. Damn.


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Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.
C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.
Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.
I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.
My own tweezer happy time.
Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.
Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.
 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.
 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.
I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.
I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)
A typical big ass bang. Hot.
I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.
Yep. Here I am.
OH. MY. GOD.
Like a damn boss, this one.
If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.
You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?
Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.
Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner
I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 
Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.
My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!
The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.
This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.
Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...
I don't even know what is happening here.
And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.


I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.






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