Sunday, June 30, 2013

Quick Sh*t: The Most Riveting Movie Scene, Ever.



Don't ask me one detail about this fantastic scene, because I don't know a damn thing about it. Except that it is mf-ing magnificent. And that dude that leaves the room at the beginning has the loudest footsteps in the universe. I really wish that bifocals had divulged why he needed said cash flow, but alas, he was super evasive. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy this production. And then watch it again.


I have to go because I need to say, "Bloody!" to people and hang up on their asses immediately. Also, "yes, I'm not," is the best non-committal answer I've ever encountered. Yes, I'm not seeing you guys tomorrow.






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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I delved into the scariest beauty sh*t that you should try. Check it out here.


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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Low Maintenance Chicks Rejoice: The Entire Universe's Best Lip Balms

I told you guys a while back about my crack-like addiction to lip balms, and my new favorite one from me & the girls. So I decided to compile a list of my all time favorite lip jams, because these sh*ts are the good good AND the cheap cheap, and you can't beat that mf-ing combo.


My first pick is my b*tch because it gives a touch o' color to your lippies.

Burt's Bees Replenishing Lip Balm with Pomegranate Oil, $3
I like a lot of Burt's Bees products, but this is one of my top b's. It provides just a pinch of pink to your lips, and is nice and moisturizing. Win-sies!

Evolution of Smooth Smooth Sphere Lip Balm in Honeysuckle Honeydew, $3.29
 This little boo berry is one of my faves based mostly on smell/taste. But I also love the weird case deal and it feels like a dream on your lips.

The Fresh Market 100% All Natural Lip Balm in Peppermint, $???
This last one is kind of a tricky (tricky, tricky, tricky) situation. I bought this at Fresh Market on a whim one night, and I f*cking fell in love with this shit. It's minty, which I love, and feels pretty much the best out of any lip balm deal out there.

But, here's the bad part -- I can't find any trace of it online. I'm guessing you can only buy it at the actual Fresh Market grocery stores, and they aren't exactly on every corner. So, what I'm saying is, I'm kind of a huge b*tch for even telling you about this, because it might not be easily obtainable.


Hmmm. Sorry 'bout that.

Tell me things. Do you guys have some lip chap you love to pieces?



 


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Monday, June 24, 2013

True Blood Musings: Everything's Boring

We start the episode with getting our 50th glimpse of Warlow.


He seems super attractive and nice. Just let yourself be promised to his ass, Sook.

Can we just get on with this? Let's jump and see what happened this week.


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Friday, June 21, 2013

I Accidentally Made a New Mascara My B*tch -- an Unintentional Review by Shannon Ray.

I usually stay pretty tried and true to my main mascara b, L'Oreal Voluminous, with dalliances with some other sh*t on occasion. But I ran out of my Voluminous a while back, bought another drugstore brand, hated it, then had to raid my stash of makeup that I've accumulated throughout my beauty blogger times. That's when I came upon this little mamacita. 

KORRES Volcanic Minerals Volumizing Mascara (Sephora, $20)


I've used KORRES products before, and I liked them, but this goes beyond. The first day I used it, I was all, "Damn dog, my lashes look pretty banging right now." Then everyone at work that day was saying how great my lashes looked.


The formula is really volumizing, and it lasts so long that I actually thought it was a waterproof mascara until I googled it. (I threw out the box like a true professional, so I didn't even know the name of this sh*t. I know. I have no idea why I'm not really successful.) Here's the science-y blah blah's from Sephora:

This Obsidian black is formulated with volcanic minerals for the deepest, darkest color and an explosive increase in lash volume. These rich pigments blend with natural film formers to create a flexible yet strong coating that covers every lash. Volcanic Minerals Volumizing Mascara provides a glossy, luminous finish with a flexible conditioned feel, without any smudging or flakes for optimal, long-wearing benefits. The tapered brush head with unique cross-hatch bristles ensures smooth, clump-free application that grabs even the tiniest microlashes.

I don't know much about all of that, but I do know that I love this mess. Like, a lot. 

This is excited as I get about anything.
 Check it out here for yourself here.



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Thursday, June 20, 2013

This Is Why We Can't Have Annoying Things...

Because it creates other, even more annoying, things.



"It's smells like my baseball cleats. EWWWWW!" Oh, hell to the naw. The original version of this song is already moderately irritating, but this sh*t is ridiculous. I don't have kids, and nonsense like this is why I've sealed up my uterus.


Parents, please don't buy this. It's friggin' dumb, you guys. For future Earthlings (are easy), or whatever, I beg of you.



This was my jam when I was a kid, and look how wonderfully I turned out.



Case not closed.




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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Quick Sh*t: The Best Workout Video, Ever. (No, Not Prancercise.)



I'm kind of obsessed with everything about this video. The dude is one hundred percent a reanimated corpse, and Sandy Duncan's 'fit is KILLING IT. That top looks like it belongs on a child in the casual wear portion of a beauty pageant.

Happy Tuesday, everyone!





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Monday, June 17, 2013

True Blood Musings: I Wanna Do Blob Things to You

Well mofos, here we are again. Another season of True Blood kicked off last night, so that means my musing are back. And let me tell you, it really started out with a meh...


Dammit, can't Bill just stay a blob of goo on the ground? His looks would finally match his personality. Where's a vat of Goo Gone when you need one?

We're going to delve into all of the episode, so duh, spoilers ahead. If you're all watched up, and ready to talk about it, follow me after the jump.


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Deal O' Zee Day With Dr. Dennis Gross and QVC

Watch this short video of my ass (not actual ass shots included, and you're welcome) telling you how to use QVC's Today's Special Value, which includes one of my favorite prods of the year, from Dr. Dennis Gross.



After you are finished watching my amazingly informative mini tutorial, go snatch this sh*t up from QVC here. It's for today only, and you're saving roughly one trillion (not an exact figure) dollars.

If you want to find out more about the science of the different Dr. G products and how they all work, get all that good good  info here.



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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I ventured into this hot ass weather and how to keep your beauty sh*t tight when it's hot as hell. Go check out Hot Weather Beauty Hacks: Keep It All Together When The Going Gets Hot here.




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Who Wore Nakey(ish) Best? Celebrity(ish) Chippendale Dudes.

I'm sure you guys have read in my What 90210 Stars Are Doing in 2013 and Beyond newsletter that Steve Sanders (or Ian Ziering, if you're nasty) is doing that whole celebrity guest star Chippendales thing this month.

pic via ny daily news
Can we just take a minute to recognize that S.S. is FORTY EFFING NINE years old? Homeboy is looking real, real nice. I'm not super sold on Stevie's wig game, but I never really have been.


I mean, really.

Seeing Eye-an's Chippie pics made me want to reflect on all of the past (loosely-termed) celebrity guest dancers, and put them ween to ween to see who is the hottest of them all. Let us study the evidence.

First up, Jeremy Jackson, of David Hasselhoff's son on Baywatch fame. (Or of meth/Celebrity Rehab fame, if you're a b*tch, like me.)


Okay, well this is...okay. The little bit that is the "costume" is somewhat wonky and ill-fitting, but I'm grateful that THIS Jeremy Jackson isn't being showcased.

what in avril lavigne fan club president hell is this sh*t?
Or, this one, for that matter.


Well, I just went to prison. Let's move on.

How about the Bachelor's Jake Pavelka?


How about not? Let's skip this one. Close your legs, Pavelka. It's quite unbecoming.


Alright, alright, alright, alright. Now ladies, how about that dude from 98 Degrees? Not one of the Lacheys, not that ONE dude. This guy:


...And his child...also in a child-sized Chippendale outfit...I can't even with this. Fast forward.


There's also Sir Ronald of the house of Jersey Shore.


This looks about as bling-y as expected. Plus, he's doing half-assed finger guns. So, half a point?

What about the father of "Whoa," himself, Joey (Joe? Joseph? I'm not up on the news.) Lawrence?


He looks good, but you know I'm super concerned about that eyebrow sitch. You're waaaay into code orange brow territory, broseph. You're single-handedly keeping waxing places open.


What do you b's think? Who wore the bow tie and weird shirt cuffs best?


If you don't love everything about this, namely Swayze's hair and pant's waist level, then I don't love you.






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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I'm Changing the Name of This Blog to whatisjustinbieberdoingtoday.com

No, I'm not. BUT I totally could. Because sh*t like this keeps happening.



Lemme break it down for you, here. Not only is baby boo driving a mf-ing LEOPARD PRINT car that everyone on Jerseylicious is super jealous of (is that show still on?), but Biebs needs front and back black SUV coverage while driving. I was just thisclose to making a wildly inappropriate joke about that sentence. If Mama Biebs (who I feel is my age peer) doesn't get this mess under control, I will sign up to Supernanny this b*tch. And there won't be any "You is kind, you is smart, you is important," kind of niceties happening.

Seriously though, I have to get this JB constant talk under control. We have much more important ish to take care of here.


Back to the grind.



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Exfolimate: The Weirdest Sh*t I've Ever Fallen In Love With

look at this b. just plastic and metal, but so badass.
The mates from Exolimate (duh, they're Australian) sent over a kit of their face and body exfoliators to me a couple of weeks ago. When I opened it, I was all, "What the eff is this effery???" I was expecting to find some sponge, or something, when I pulled out these plastic/metal things that looked like they would spread wallpaper paste.

exfolimate, $39.95 for set with face and body
Here's how this mess works -- while showering, you hold it at a 90 degree angle from your wet skin, and apply light pressure as you drag it across the skin's surface. If my description was too sh*tty for you, here's the official rules. You get the idea. It's really easy. I wasn't really expecting much from doing this. But, weirdly, this ish WORKS REALLY, REALLY WELL.

 

I'm mostly crushing on the face one, because it makes your skin feel crazy soft and it's so fast to use. The body one is also pretty boss, but it's a lot more time consuming (no doy) so I use it less. My laziness is well-documented. I'm about that life.


You can get a set for your own self by checking it out here.






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Monday, June 10, 2013

Quick Sh*t Hits

Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.

Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.



I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.

Also, Biebs is going to space.

 

If this is the first impressions aliens get of Earthlings, we're all f*cked.

And this happened, too.

via twitter
Listen, Juno, I like your ass, but you can't have my Skar-y.

Lastly, this exists. Goodnight, cruel world.


What's been going on with your asses? And what TV dramzzzz shall I be sucked into next? TALK TO ME.


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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Beauty Sh*t I'm Going to Bring With Me When I Take a Time Machine Back to Game of Thrones Times.

Dammit, you guys. I JUST STARTED WATCHING GAME OF THRONES YESTERDAY. I know, I know. I'm a dumb d*ck.

I just hate this kid's face. So much.
And don't effing spoil crap for me, because I'm only in the middle of the first season. I already read all the hoopla from this week's episode on social media, and and I don't want to know what it means, and I want to keep it that way. I will come to your house and slap you if you tell me ANYTHING.


 Okay, I won't. I love your asses, but still. Don't.

After watching going on six hours of this magic, I decided that I totally want to take a time machine back to the Game of Thrones olden days. BUT, I want to be able to take beauty products with me, because Khaleesi. (That gorgeous, gorgeous b.)

Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Toweletts, $6
The first thing that I'll desperately need are these Burt's Bees face wipes. I have tried a dragon's egg ton of face wipes, and these are the bee's knees. (Ugh. No. Someone stop me.) If you're living in pre-shower times, these mofos are a must.

Johnson's White Baby Powder with Cornstarch, $2.44
And because I am the oiliest humanoid on this planet, the fun oily times don't stop with my face area. I shall also require the assistance of a baby powder to sop up the grossness of second day (and beyond) hair. If you have dark hair, sadly, you are SOL when it comes to using cheap crap like baby powder as a dry shampoo. Someone once told me that you can use cocoa powder, but I've never tried that mess. Let me know if you have primary research on that sh*t, so we can all get our lives together.

Colgate Wisp Optic White, $7.99 for 16
C'mon, ain't nobody got a toothbrush up in those days, so these disposable tooth deals with be super necessary. Can you even imagine what everything smelled like back then? I can't even handle sexy time scenes. You know it was gross as hell.

Revlon ColorStay Ultimate Suede in Backstage ($7.49) and Stila's Stay All Day Mascara ($22)
I DO NOT plan on roaming about without any makeup on. Sorry, homies, not happening. But I have narrowed that sh*t down to the bare essentials. Imma need a waterproof mascara, and Stila's Stay All Day is my ride-or-die choice. It's supposed to be volumizing, but it's not so much. But it does separate the lashes nicely and has great staying power, which is essential. You know my ass will be crying all day, erry day. My constitution is quite delicate.

I picked Revlon's ColorStay Ultimate Suede Lipstick in Backstage for dual purposes -- lips and cheeks. Backstage is a pretty dark berry-ish color, so I don't apply it like a regular lipstick. I blot it on lips and cheeks, then blend it in, so it's like a lip stain. Plus, it's got great staying power, just in case I'm forced to work at a pleasure house, or something.


Always be prepared. Now, if you'll excuse my ass, if going back to my endless GoT watching sesh.




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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

LEAVE JUSTIN BIEBER ALONE! HE JUST WANTS TO WATCH THE SPORTS LIKE A REGULAR!

HAHAHAHA. No, he doesn't. He wants to be a super pain in the ass, duh squared.


Oh, Biebs. When will you stop with this tom foolery? YOU AREN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO ENJOY YOURSELF. If you are going to bring a police officer and a giant bodyguard (where the eff is Kevin Costner?!?) to a basketball game, and be a total c block of people actually being able to watch said game, the least you can do it put on a fake ass smile and pretend your silly ass wants to be there. Kind of like what I have to do when one of your songs come on. It's just polite.


Now, let's talk about whose 1998 tricked out Camaro seats you had to skin to get that shirt. SOMEBODY loves tigers, you guys. That tattoo is about to bite off your areola, boo. I won't even mention that stone-washed hat, because I can't even see it. It's dead to me.


We're done here. I couldn't even fully enjoy looking at this picture of David Beckham, who was also there.


Okay, yes, I could. What a relief. My eyeballs aren't broken.



all pics via daily mail


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I Report, You Decide: Did Skinn's Lip 6X Gloss Plump Up My Jams?

Lemme be real with my b*tches for a second -- sometimes being a beauty blogger can be hard, man. There are times when I have a product, and I'm into it, but I'm just not 150,000,000% sure (Maury style) that it does what it says. So, today I bring the goods to you, and let your magical, rainbow-filled, wizard brains decide.

Skinn Lip 6X Gloss Amplifying Lip Gloss, $18.50
Skinn Cosmetics sent me their 6X Amplifying Lip Gloss forever ago, but I lost it, like a dumb dumb doo doo head. After I found it wedged somewhere in my car, I tried it several times and really liked it a lot. It is really, really moisturizing, and lasts FOR-effin'-EVA on my lips. I even had a friend want to steal it from my ass after she tried it, and loved the ish out of it.

But here's the sticky sitch, and why I haven't brought it to your asses, yet. As much as I love this stuff as a lip gloss, I don't know if I feel like it actually plumps my lips. It's not the BURNING plumping gloss, like those bad b's of yesteryear. So maybe that's my problem. But like a real, live, scientist, I took pictures of my lips to see if their was any plumpness happenin' after I applied the gloss. I totally followed the scientific method 100% 0%. Here are the results:


I don't know what to think, you guys. I feel like they are kind of plumped, non? I don't know.

Sh*t, I'm the worst. So, then, this.


I'll leave it to you guys. More plumped lippies? Not at all? What are the balls of your eyes and brain waves telling you? Sound off below, and check it out for yourself for your own damn experiments here.




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