TGIF! Who Wants To Sing Sensually With Someone Named 'Keyboard Cathy' About Sashimi?

Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.

But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?

Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.


via reddit


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Our Fake Best Friend Kristen Wiig Pretends To Be Harry Styles On "The Tonight Show," Is Predictably Adorable.

Kristen Wiig was on the new Jimmy Fallon's "Tonight Show" the other night, and she pretended to be One Direction's (1 Direction's? I'm too old for this sh*t) Harry Styles for the duration of her interview. And it seems like Kristen knows about as much as I do about Harry, AKA the human person under this hair:

Pretty much nothing, except that his shoes are comical. But she's definitely right on about one thing -- carnitas are amazing.

If you missed K Dubs as Michael Jordan when she was on Jimmy's show a few months ago, do yourself a damn solid and watch it here.



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I Report, You Decide: Is Robert Pattinson A Dark-Haired Beauty?

pic via us weekly

I've never really been a part of that whole oh-my-god-r-patts-is-so-hot-vampires-vampires-vampires bandwagon. I'm more of the he's-okay-and-stuff camp. I kind of thought that his name was Robert Patterson for, like, three years. B*tches be gettin' old, man.

But here's Patty cakes on the set of some movie (I can't be bothered) with some fresh dark hairs, and I'm not really sure how I feel about him all of a sudden.

He's kind of giving me a darker, hotter vibe, but maybe I'm just falling for the douche smug he's got wiped all over his face in this picture. My ovaries can occasionally get temporarily bewitched due to smugness, so I can't really be sure.

Help me figure it out. Is Robbie looking hot, or am I being straight up delusional right now?

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Gettin' Sh*t Done On The Cheap: DIY Banana And Honey Hair Mask

Sometimes, in life, that cash flow source is strong to quite strong, and other times you're broke as a joke. Sh*t happens, and whatnot. Just because it might be one of those times when you've got way less disposable income, doesn't mean you have to give up your beauty game.

Bananas are packed with vitamins, healthy oils, and a bunch of that good good that makes head hairs gaww-geous. Whipping up a beneficial banana hair mask right in your kitchen takes about 1.4 seconds and contains sh*t that you probably already have up in your semi-bare cabinets.

Pro tip: Look behind the wine.

Grab a bowl, a ripe ass banana, and some honey. End of list.

Break up the nanner and put it in the bowl with about a teaspoon of honey.

Pro tip: Don't eat the mixture, no matter how tempted you are at this point. (And you will be tempted. Trust.)

Blend it all together, getting out all of the lumps. If you don't, those chunky chunks will get caught up in your mop, and ain't nobody got time for that.

Once you're blended into smoothness, put it all over your hair. Put a shower cap on your noggin, or wrap it up with plastic wrap, if that's more your speed. Leave your science experiment on for 20 minutes or so. Then rinse, and get back to your regularly scheduled program of shamps and conditioning.

Make sure you're insanely thorough with the rinse/shampoo job, because my lazy ass still had bits of banana in my hair. But banana pieces aside, my hair was left moisturized and smooth. Bonus points for everything smelling like a damn smoothie.

Looking for a more intensive DIY hair mask? Check out the coconut oil hair mask here.




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill

This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.

Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs

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Drunk Blogging: Valentine's Day Is Dumb.

via realitytvgifs

I don't know why this day exists. I tried to wikipedia it, but I don't know what the eff 72% of those words mean. But you know what I do know? Valentine's Day is super dumb, you guys.

I'm old, boring as sh*t and married now, but I was once a young buck, and I've had kind of almost a million boyfriends. (#humblebrag)

Do you know how many Valentine's Days that I actually remember? ZERO. Okay, that's a semi-lie. I remember one. When I was 14 (don't worry, it's not about to get Chris Hansen-ish), I was "hanging out" lite with this guy. Like, we didn't even acknowledge each other at school because he was a Senior and I was a Freshman that looked like this kind of thing:

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

You get the idea. So, it's dummy dumb idiot Valentine's Day and I get off the bus and get to my house, and there's one of those gigantic, white-teddy-bears-holding-a-heart-or-some-bullsh*t sitting on my doorstep. And somehow (I guess he called me on my rotary home phone) I found out it was from hangout homeboy:

ACTUAL DUDE.

And that was the moment that I knew that this holiday is crazy. I don't need your overpriced bear, bro. We aren't on that level, and even if we were, that sh*t was probably $57 dollars at a mall kiosk. You ripped yourself a new a-hole. I don't like flowers (I like them growing in the ground), I don't like chocolate, and I don't like jewelry. Like, tell me you like me on a random Tuesday over some cheese sticks, or something.

Why reserve that stuff for one designated day of the year? Because you know what? I love your asses every day of the mf-ing year. If I could make it rain some champs and chocolate through via the internets every day all of your faces, I would. That's the real real.

Now back to regularly scheduled b*tchery. Are you guys into V Day? VD? Vampire Diaries? Tell me your stories.



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BREAKING NEWS: Models Rejected Our Boyfriend, Jared Leto.

It's currently New York Fashion Week (and also Valentine's week), but that didn't stop a couple of models with ice-cold hearts from rejecting the world's prettiest man, Jared Leto. Here's what happened, from Page Six:

Jared Leto struck out Tuesday when he asked a female friend to help him ask for two models’ phone numbers at a Fashion Week bash.
The Oscar-nominated “Dallas Buyers Club” star was chatting with and “twirling around” the models at Guess’ On the Road to Nashville party.
Later, Leto sent his friend over to get their numbers. But, to his surprise “They said no,” our spy reports.

THEY SAID NO. NO.  Listen, models, I know you're all model-y and hot, and therefor it's great for you to use some discretion when giving out your number, and sh*t. I'm not in that gorgeous creature life, so I can't judge you for that. But this is Jared Leto.

Maybe you don't follow him on Instagram, so you couldn't be instantly charmed by his vegan pancake flipping video.



And you're models, so I'm assuming you are of a ripe, young age, so maybe you've been caught unaware with the likes of JORDAN mf-ing CATALANO.

I guess it's possible that you're allergic to flannel and corduroy, or something, but take a Benadryl and solider the eff on. Us normals are counting on you, hot models, to take a seat on the Leto Express. If you don't, we run the risk of acts of domestic terrorism like this happening:

via j's instagram

This is NOT an option.

P.S. Leto, you might need to re-up on your game techniques. You sent a friend over to simultaneously get two girls' numbers after you twirled around them. You're in the big leagues now. This ain't some Angela Chase sh*t.



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