The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?
Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.
Hey guys, guess what? I found the anthem of current times, and it features a lot of bad wigs, faux vomiting, a shirtless Jersey Shore-esque dude on a trampoline and a sh*tload of Ozzy Osbourne sunglasses.
Let's dissect this as we watch.
0:01 - Prom shoes.
0:12 - Oh, sh*t. This is going to be bad.
0:18 - Humping birds and an inauthentic Facebook "like" thumb. Why?
0:22 - Ohhhhh, this is Eastern Euopean. Where they really enjoy Hasselhoff. I kind of wish he was in this.
0:33 - Huge "YOLO" joints. Is that how you must watch this?
0:47 - *than
0:51 - Dance floor. Two words. Who edited this???
0:53 - "I'm just like Paris Hilton in 2003, but Russian and I have a Jack Russel"
1:22 - A guy on the trampoline has a rotary phone. If that doesn't make you feel YOLO, I don't know what would.
1:30 - What kind of top does one reach from YOLO-ing? Trash mountain?
1:35 - What the eff is going on with that low-rent DIY liquor (?) bottle?
1:42 - Apparently, being freightened by break-dancing, cheap ass mask-wearing dude in an unfinished apartment building makes you brave.
1:54 - Prince('s cousin's adopted son)?
2:45 - Oh, good, it's over.
2:46 - Dammit.
2:50 - Glamorous condom slipping.
2:57 - Romance.
3:00 - "Jewels."
3:17 - Running Man with terrible form.
3:37 - Popping YOLO bottles in the Wet Seal version of the "Bad" Michael Jackson jacket.
Annnnnnd, scene. If that video cost more than a day old ham sandwich to make, homegirl should demand a refund. I'm pretty sure I just watched the live action, musical version of this:
Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)
Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.
That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:
Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.
She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.
There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.
Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.
Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.
Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)
Today is a day that should be rejoiced, you guys. It's Happy "Out of Yo Mama's Cookie" Day to that sexpot that we call Ryan Gosling. (Okay, so I totally stole that phrase from Sweet Brown's Instagram, but it's perfect. And, yes, I follow Sweet Brown on I.G. -- she's a friggin' treasure. )
In celebration of Gossie's big day, I've created an international viewing party of my favorite R.G. videos, so let our asses start the celebration. This first one shows Ry Ry stripping down to tiny underdrawers...
I don't think that anyone hated that, amiright? Let's now awkwardly move on to videos of yesteryear, back to when Ryan was just a wee, shiny bowl-cutted lad on The Mickey Mouse Club.
Justin totally tried stealing the scene with those lame ass (AKA perfect) overalls and gelled curly side bangs, but today's all about the Gos Sauce, so step the eff off, J mf-ing T.
And just in case you need more baby goose times (get it, Gosling? I'm such a wordsmith.), here's another tiny tot performance, featuring PANTS!
On the real, that dancing was straight dope.
Who knew that Chess King made luxurious silken clothes for tiny children?
I saved my favorite adult time Goss vid for last, even though I've shared this here before. But it's just so damn adorable that it should be cherished on this day of the 'Ling.
You know that your heart just grew three sizes just by watching that.
Happy Birthday, Ryan Gosling! Now go celebrate by popping bottles and doing models, or whatever thing it is you choose to do on your 33rd year of life.
As you may have read in my C Stodd-themed fan fiction entitled, "Dourtney Does Dallas," Courtney Stodden and Doug Whatever (I can't be bothered to google) are getting divorced. While this is a huge hit to those that believe in fairy tale love stories, this opens up (heh) Stoddie to a whole new world (of weens) of experiences as a single homegirl. Here are a few things she can now try on her path to being forever alone.
She and this baby are roughly the same age, so this seems like kismet. I smell a collabo!
Double date with Kris Jenner or whatever newly divorced Housewife of Somewhere. The Stodd-ster LOVES the media, so it seems like this sh*t would go hand in Sadsville hand. Is Taylor from RHOBH still single? Danielle Staub?
I know, I went too f*cking far when I brought up the likes of Danielle Staub.
Make even better music videos. Now that she's single, CD can focus on important sh*t, like making her top-notch music videos that feature things such as:
Sexy candy shots on a nightstand!
Pharaohs!
These things are all fantastic, but you should always strive for more, so I'm hoping that future Stodden-ton vids go more in this direction:
So topical and accessorized, sprinkled with near nip slips and white pantyhose! I think we should all pitch in and get Court a gift certificate for keyboard lessons for her Divorce Party, that she's sure to throw herself.
I'm also lucky that I don't currently own a Flowbee, or I would be attaching that sh*t to my vacuum immediately and putting the "flouncy, bouncy bowl cut" setting on my mop.
Here's the O.G. (AKA boring, vanilla soft serve sans sprinkles version with 100% less Chris Koo) version, if you need a refresher. I'm off to get a straw for my super sized non-haterade, because I love this guy.
I don't know how I feel about these new pictures of Usher from Men's Health, you guys. On one hand, Usher is quite an attractive guy.
On the other hand, I've always gotten a Papa Smurf facial vibe from him.
I also wasn't picking up what the MH article was putting down when they claimed that dude is 5'10". I've always felt 5'8" MAX tallness from Usher. So, you tell me, is this hot? My indecisive ass can't decide.
But you know who I wouldn't do? Starbucks Drake Hands, who did a (non)riveting interview with the illustrious Inside Edition.
I do not believe you, kind sir. That video WAS NOT made in jest. You were as serious as the fact that you need to 86 haircut, my man. I know that you are in mourning for your sex life, because you are never getting laid again by anyone with an internet connection or 3G service.
WARNING: P uses her baby voice to breathe the f-word (and Lil' Wayne's must-need-the-money's ass says it a couple times, too) in this joint, just in case you're watching this in court or something.
Wait. Am I on a spaceship that is forcing me to relive circa 2003? If so, let my ass off, you alien dicks, because I can't live through that sh*t again. You know what else I can't handle? A mothereffing resurgence of Paris Hilton in pop culture and/or music. PP Face and I are the same age, so her ass should know -- WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS BULLSH*T, HOMIE.
This whole thing looks and sounds exactly like something from a Real Housewife. She and Luann de Lesseps must have gone halfsies on an autotuner and she has current custody. P.S. When your autotune is still out-of-tune, hang up your bedazzled monokini, sister.
But you know who I'm really pissed at? Lil' Wayne. Sir, you should f*cking know better than to encourage this mess. Are there tough times in the Wayne abode? Are you being forced into extreme couponing situations? I would rather you pick up some extra shifts at a mall flat iron kiosk than work on a Paris Hilton song, pal. I expected more from you, Lil'.
I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Now, go to your damn room.
You guys know my ass has feelings for C Stodd. I just can't quit her gold lame-covered ass, no matter how many battery pack-lit pairs of underwear homegirl puts on. But, I also love RuPaul, because he's everything I'm not and want to be -- a drag superstar, a badass b*tch, ridiculously cheek-boned, and tall as f*ck.
And after watching this video, I desperately need to ride around in RP's volvo and get some major life advice. Boo boo was on effin' point with that career bizznass for Stoddie. I need that sh*t.
If Ru ever comes out with a Oprah Life Class-esque deal, I'm there. My ass (and everything else) is a hot ass ham sandwich of a mess.
I know, I know. It's way too late for your asses to not judge me.
You guys, seriously, don't watch this sh*t. It's the actual worst thing.
Tell me about it, Fancy Cat. TM name drops some annoying asses in this mess, like Teen Mom Farrah and Michael Lohan. Why not mention Puck from The Real World while you're at it? I mean, we're just mentioning random ass people, right?
But really, when will this Tan-Mom-trying-to-sing-grossness nightmare end? A kiosk-bought acrylic clip-in pony tail does not a terrible pop star make, Patricia. But I will say that homegirl is totally killing it with the brown lip liner and frosted white lipstick, 1998 style. (Spoiler alert: No, she's not.)
But, I do have a few (least) favorite moments in this sh*t cesspool. Around the 1:55 mark, she she's talking about how she's sober now and says, "Hell no to the no." Most prolific lyric of our generation? Then around 2:09, she drops the bomb on us THAT SHE HAS A SKIN CARE LINE.
But the best part comes at 2:15, where SHE'S WEARING A LACE THONG AND A SMILE. That poor Italian Greyhound probably has a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and permanent ringing of the ears. The only bright spot in this student horror film is the chest hair dude's dance moves. That sh*t on point.
I know I won't, no matter how much bleach I pour into my ear holes.
You guys, coochie cutters can really bring the heat, when necessary, because this dude is straight killin' it with his kuh-rat-tay. Here's the apparent story behind this hot damn mess (via YouTube): So here's the story... For those of you from Southern Ontario, it's
likely that you went to Canada's Wonderland in Toronto during the late
90's/early 2000's in the Summertime. I have very fond memories of the
roller coasters, waterpark and food at the amusement park. One year, I
went with some friends and we came across the new video karaoke;
essentially, you pay them some money and they create a blue screen video
of you and your friends singing a song. They would broadcast the song,
including the videos of whoever was singing at the time, on the outside
of the building.They had all the hits at the time, including a number of
songs by the Backstreet Boys. While I never had the guts to go in and
sing something, we happened to be outside the place when this guy went
in for his solo. The park staff were stunned, and my friends and I were
on the ground crying with laughter! Needless to say, I wanted this
video, and the staff were kind enough to oblige. I spent the rest of my
spending money for the day on the VHS copy of his performance, and to
this day, I still consider it money well spent. It's been hiding in a
box in my basement for years, and today, I converted it to digital.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you WTF Backstreet's Back. Enjoy! Dammit, if time machines ever get invented, I'm setting it to 1999 so I can totally creep on this Danielson.
I cannot get enough of this gentleman, whose name is apparently Jerome Smyle. (With a y, because he's sassy as eff.) I'm pretty sure that we're soul sisters, because we share all the same banging ass dance moves and clothing size from 579.
Sh*t starts to get really hot in the video at the 1:10 mark, when the paddle turns and shoulder shimmies get on and poppin'. But my favorite part is at 1:35 when we completely lose track of Jerome and just look at the road scenery for a few seconds. My eyeballs glazed over for the next three minutes, but I was revived by the sexy ass penetrating gaze at the end.
If this effery is fake, I will lose my damn mind. But until then...
I'm kind of obsessed with everything about this video. The dude is one hundred percent a reanimated corpse, and Sandy Duncan's 'fit is KILLING IT. That top looks like it belongs on a child in the casual wear portion of a beauty pageant.
Watch this short video of my ass (not actual ass shots included, and you're welcome) telling you how to use QVC's Today's Special Value, which includes one of my favorite prods of the year, from Dr. Dennis Gross.
After you are finished watching my amazingly informative mini tutorial, go snatch this sh*t up from QVC here. It's for today only, and you're saving roughly one trillion (not an exact figure) dollars.
If you want to find out more about the science of the different Dr. G products and how they all work, get all that good good info here.
I'll give a Fruit by the Foot to any b that can make it through this video. Not a Fruit Roll Up. What am I, effin' made of money? I'll throw in a pack of gusher to anyone that can send out a memo on what's up with that mouth situation. Mr. Bubble? Anyone?
I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.
TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.
I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.
Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.
Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:
Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK
These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.
Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)
