The 34 Beauty Lessons I've Learned in 34 Years

Today is my 34th birthday, and I'm pretty much feeling like an old hag. Or an old handbag. You choose. So, instead of feeling like a sad sack of invisible poop in the eyes of society, I decided to compile a list of 34 of the beauty-related things I've learned on this long journey of life I've had. (I actually thought I would have expired with my oxen while forging a river, Oregon Trail-style, by now. Maybe this is the year.)

I did something kind of similar to this last year, because I like to reflect upon shit. I'm a real thinker. Read ahead as I creep closer to middle age. Yay! Pass the streamers.

#1 -- Extreme eyebrows can screw up your face.

#2 -- Red lips work for everyone. You might look good with an orangey-red. Or a blue-red. Or a true red. (Is this what poetry feels like?) But there's a red for everyone. And I don't care if you think that your lips are too small/big/you think you have a weird mouth. EVERYONE.

#3 -- Bangs are not for everyone. Sorry, people with very small foreheads and cowlicks.

#4 -- I kind of hate blowouts. Okay, so this isn't a lesson for everyone. I just wanted to tell someone.

#5 -- Stay the eff out of the sun. It will slowly murder your skin.

#6 -- There really are some great drugstore products on this planet. Have you HEARD about this Maybelline mascara?!?

#7 -- Your eyebrows don't have to be matchy-matchy with your hair. In fact, dark-haired peeps' brows should be a tad lighter than their head hairs and fair-haired bros should keep their brows a little darker. Also, do whatever your eyebrows tell you to. They are the rulers of the universe. Who runs the world? Brows.

#8 -- Dry shampoo is the shit, but it can only do so much. If you're oily and thin-haired, and on day three, WASH YO' DAMN HAIR.

#9 -- Peeling off nail polish is legitimately bad for your nails. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.

#10 -- So are acrylic nails. At least stay away from the places that use a friggin' Black and Decker drill on them. That cannot be healthy.

#11 --  Unless you have FANTASTIC-ASS skin, skip shimmery bronzer on your mug. The glitter stuff will highlight every pore and imperfection. Trust me, I could have a doctorate in bad skin and things to avoid.

#12 -- Don't let Kim K bully you into contouring. It's not mandatory for your face.

#13 -- A French manicure (pedicure?) on your toes makes your toenails look weirdly long. Or short.

#14 -- Don't let people make you feel shitty about liking/not liking beauty stuff. It's not that serious. If you're into it, cool. If you're more of an I-don't-give-a-shit-type, that's fine, too. Spend your time and brainwaves and monies on what makes you happy.

#15 -- Primers are not bullshit. Use them.

#16 -- I believe in ghosts, aliens and addiction to chapstick. I've read articles saying that chapstick addiction is not real, and I don't believe them. Just like I don't believe in long division in 2015. Use a calculator.

#17 -- Hair is just hair. You can change it back if you hate it. And it grows back almost always.

#18 -- Take care of your damn skin as much as possible, it's the only skin you have.

#19 -- Find a go-to style to deal with your dirty-ass hair, and make it fast and easy. It could be a braid, a bun, a high pony; I don't give a shit. Just learn to love it for those hard and sleepy days.

#20 -- Know how to use products in more than one way. Eyeshadow as brow powder, bronzer as eyeshadow, lipstick as blush, just for starters. When money is tight, you will appreciate these things in your brain.

#21 -- Learn to love your natural hair texture-ish. It's what you have, and fighting against it completely is futile.

#22 -- Just because something works for your friend/Beyoncé/Betsy Ross' ghost, doesn't mean it's necessarily great for you. Every human has different skin and hair and coloring, so everything is not universal, no matter what the people who make that mood lipstick tells you.

#23 -- Be careful with wearing heavy earrings as you get older. STRETCHED OUT EARLOBES ARE REAL.

#24 -- Don't dye your hair with black boxed dye unless you want to marry it and take that mess to the grave.

#25 -- Getting hung up on stuff you can't do is a waste of time. Just work around it. I can't paint my nails in any socially acceptable way, so I just paint all over the place and scrub the skin parts in the shower. Number of seconds of sleep I lose over this: zero.

#26 -- Don't be afraid of oils, even if you're oily. Facial oils are MF-ing delightful. Same goes for hair oils. Even cleansing oils.

#27 -- Doing highlights at home is a terrible idea. Especially if you're using one of those kits that comes with a comb. (Unless you're, like, a professional. That doesn't count.)

#28 -- Your skin changes with time and location. Roll with the punches. I've gone from completely oily to somehow dry AND oily. Ain't life grand?

#29 -- Baby bangs can only be pulled off by roughly less than 1% of the population.

#30 -- Don't go crazy with self tanner. When you look at pictures later, you will be f-ing appalled.

#31 -- Try clip-in extensions at least once. Even if they're borrowed. (From someone you know, not a Craigslist person.) They're fun and make you feel like Ariel when she's a human.

#32 -- Waterproof eyeliner is the universe's gift to humans with eyeballs.

#33 -- You really only need a nude lip liner. You can own whatever the hell you want, but you can use nude with any color.

#34 -- I know nothing. I'm like a way less sexy Jon Snow.

If you need me, I'll be busy being old in the corner with my cake. (JK, I don't even have a cake. Help.)

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Get Ready To Save All Of Your Vegan Tears In A Decorative Mason Jar: Jared Leto Cut Off His Magical Hair And Beard

Tweets by @DavidAyerMovies

Drown you sorrows in all of the world's cold quinoa and kale salads -- Jesus Leto is no more. Jared cut off all of his hotness for a role in something called Suicide Squad, which is apparently a movie based on a comic. And homie is playing the Joker.

Don't get me wrong, Jared Leto is hot no matter what. He could put a rancid octopus on his head and still be sexual AF. But I like my Leto one of two ways: Catalano or scruffed up.

What do you think? Are you into this sleek shit? Tell me all of your feelings on everything.







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The MAC Collections That I Wish Existed

pic via mac cosmetics

The MAC Cinderella Collection came out yesterday, to the delight of thousands of women that grew up with "I-will-marry-Prince-William" fantasies everywhere. And while the collection looks as lovely as a fancy-ass crystal goblet filled with a sparkling wine that didn't even come from a box, it got me thinking* -- what MAC collections would be the very best collections? If dreaming were free, what would we want to see? What if things were fanciful with glee? (Okay, I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm doing.)

Let's just look at this nonsense.

The Neverending Story

I really can't believe a TNES/MAC collab doesn't already exist. It's almost blasphemous, I tell you. HAVE YOU SEEN FALKOR'S IRIDESCENT SCALES, WORLD? They're a GD delight to the senses.

The Childlike Empress' (AKA Ssdjlskjfknvodsnvs') Smudgy Shadow Stick in Ruddy Tears

We look so sad because that damn shadow stick doesn't exist, bb.

Falkor's Flying High in the Sky Faux Lashes

Okay, so this name is terrible. But don't act like you don't covet that magic dragon's eyelashes, or you a damn lie.

Bastian's Super-Shiny Hair Serum

MAC doesn't even make haircare shit, but I think they could make an exception for this one. A bowl cut that glossy really can't be denied.

Arrested Development

The Bluths are as glamorous as they come, and would make for an excellent line of cosmetics. Mostly because you can't spell class without ass.

Lucille's Drunken Glow Illuminating Powder

 If you don't want to shine bright like Lucille Number One, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

It's as Ann as the Nose on Plain's Face Concealer

Because we all wish that our under-eye circles were as invisible as Egg. Her?

Tobias' Nevernude Navy Eye Glitter

Tobias is easily the most colorful of the Bluth bunch, and his addition to the line would leave you tasting those meaty leading man parts in your mouth in no time.

Teen Witch

Teen Witch is coming to Netflix on March 1, so get ready for a national holiday to be declared (in my heart). Hurry, MAC, get this mess ready for National Louise Appreciation Day.

I Will Never Be Hip Gloss 

This lip gloss shall only be worn with bucket hats and '80s-flavored regrets. P.S. Can we get a TW reboot starring Jenny Slate as Polly? P.P.S. Have you ever met an actual human named Polly?

 Top That Finishing Spray

Don't be such a waste of pretty face, and go ahead and try to top that...with a finishing spray. Cuffed capri-rolled jeans and jaunty Hawaiian shirts are optional.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Someone get Andrea Zuckerman on this v, v important project. Homegirl knows how to get shit done. And write a scathing expose on cafeteria food.

David Silver Pigment

Do you need your eyes to sparkle with a glean that says, "I'm a dorky white teenager that's really trying to make an R&B career happen?" It's covered.

Donna Martin's Lipstick in "I'm Still a Virgin"

It's hard to believe that Donna had those rock-solid dance moves and had never gotten freaky in a Burger King bathroom. Brava.

Brenda and Dylan 4EVA Permanent Nail Glue

WARNING: This nail glue will cause a bond that will NEVER, EVER BREAK.  DO YOU HEAR THAT KELLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

What MAC Collections would you like to be plucked from you heart and brought to reality? Let's discuss the most important issue of the day.


*trademark Carrie Bradshaw

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My New Favorite Lip Homies

I have pretty major issues when it comes to hoarding lip stuff. I've got balms, glosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, not to mention other lip things that I'm not even sure what they do, stashed like friggin' contraband all around every area of my life. (I almost said every orifice, but no, that's too far. Even for me.)

But you know what I don't have? A MF-ing gangster lip serum. You know why? Because I've never heard of one. Not to mention one for an old and sad sack set of lips like mine. Enter Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion for Lips ($24), stage right.

Murad sent me these angel tears shoved sweetly into a plummy tube about a week ago, and I am hooked on this stuff. It gives your lips a plump and pillowy feel, but IT'S NOT THAT CHEAP-ASS STINGING TRICK. We're onto you, stingy lip shit. This is all about moisture and straight-up science. (I'm guessing.) This is what Murad says:

"Instantly smooths and hydrates for an ideal base under lipstick, gloss or balm. Simultaneously boosts micro-circulation for plumper, fuller lips while working over time to reduce the appearance of vertical lip lines and wrinkles" 

MICRO-CIRCULATION. That is more science-y than Mr. Wizard (RIP).

Another perfect usage of this serum (!!!) is as a base for matte lipsticks. It just erases any weird and unfortunate drying and discomfort issues that you might typically have with lip stuff that's on the matte-y end of the spectrum. Also, that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, and for that, I deeply apologize.

But it does bring me to my next current favorites, more ColourPop Lippie Stix.

I already bought a couple of the Lippie Stix a while ago, and I decided that I needed to get more, mostly because they're FIVE GD DOLLARS and I really love the formula. This time around, I decided to do the deed with Frida, Dalia and Cookie.

Lordt, do I love these Lippie Stix. They're just easy. You can use the edge of the stick as more of a lip-lining-tool-deal, and they aren't too big and cumbersome to work with, which is nice when you're using a bold/bright/whatever lip color. They're just an all-around damn delight.

So as long as these puppies are $5, I'll be like:

(But, only like five times, because times. Because it's only five dollar bills.)




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Beauty Battle: High-End vs Drugstore Brow Pencil

You know that my life's quest is to find the very best eyebrow products and present them to you in an unfortunately-worded and photographed manner. That, and to eat as many Mother's Circus Animal Cookies as humanly possible without passing on. It's a real journey. Like Eat, Pray, Love, but slightly less annoying.

I come to you today with a tale as old as time...

You find a really MF-ing delightful beauty product, but is it REALLY really worth it? And how does it compare to a way cheaper, but still boss-ass, similar product?

Let us explore. WHEEEEE!

The High-End Homie

anastasia beverly hills brow wiz in taupe (sephora, $21)

Pros:

• It's super-precise. Like almost too precise? (If that were a thing.)
• The color is perfectly ashy, so you will never have weird-ass orange eyebrows. Even Carrot Top doesn't want orange eyebrows.
• It has a spoolie on the end for blending, which actually comes in handy.
• The pencil is twist-up (automatic? I don't know, whatever). I'm a lazy, so this is big for me. I hate sharpening shit. I also hate pencil shavings. It's like #432 on my list of things that I hate. Not as high as finding a stranger's fingernail on a public table, but it's on there.

Cons:

• Boo boo is expensive. $21 for a brow pencil is pretty GD spendy, man.
• It doesn't last very long. I bought this three months ago, and have used 115% (Maury percentages) of it. I expected more from a brow pencil that costs over 20 dollars, but that's what I get for expecting things in life.

The Drugstore Darling

maybelline twin brow pencils in blonde (drugstore.com, $2.39)

Pros:

• THESE ARE CHEAP AS HELL. I bought mine from Walgreen's, the world's most expensive retailer, and got them for about $4.00. Plus, they were buy one, get one half off, so I got four pencils for about six bucks.
• They have great staying power. The package claims that these puppies are waterproof, but let's not be ridiculous. Remember the expectations thing?
• The color is like a 8.967 out of ten on the "looks pretty damn natural" scale.
• You can find them almost anywhere, so you won't have to make a special trip. Lazy.

Cons:

• You have to sharpen them, like it's the 1800's and shit. Lazy. Who am I, Laura Ingalls Wilder?
• The tip (heh) isn't as precise.

The conclusion? I have to give it to the Maybelline pencil. The color isn't as perfect as the Anastasia, but I can live with the fraction of a difference for a fraction of the price.

Not to mention, the Anastasia pencil is 0.003 oz of product, while each pencil of the Maybelline is 0.03 oz. And you get two pencils per pack. You do the math. (No, seriously, I don't know what the math is on that, but it's pretty f-ing significant.)

Viva la cheapness!

Get your ass to the drugstore, bb.

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To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.

Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**


*by me
**no, I'm not


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Reminder: Dame Helen Mirren Is Way Cooler Than All Of Us

Helen Mirren is basically cool as shit, and knows it. And Hells should really be in every commercial. That's a free tip, advertising agencies.

Don Draper is totally going to steal my idea.




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What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal

Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell

LOOKING GOOD, MR @JohnMayer #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/SRAOUmff7U
— John Mayer BR (@johnmayerbr) February 9, 2015

JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams

Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.

Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.

Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies

This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)



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50 Shades Of Grey...Eyeshadow Tutorial (Waka Waka)

For this month's Allure Insiders video, I'm doing 50 Shades in my own way. Which means I'm using grey eyeshadow. No kinky hijinks or book clubs.

Watch on if you want to get all grey-ed out for your freaky deaky (or non-freaky deaky) times.





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I Woke Up Like This: A Story Of Magically Voluminous Hair

Please disregard just about everything about this picture of me: from the cornucopia of tangles that I neglected to brush, to that zero makeup face, to a hint of a double chin -- there's a lot to take in. Man, I need to get better so I can at least walk, or something. But forget all of that -- check out the hair volume that I woke up to this morn! (Or, kind of afternoon. Life is a journey.)

via buzzfeed

I have not been shy about my flat, thin, sad sack hair probs. This shit is typically limp (heh) as hell, and I'm always fighting the good fight against it.

So while I've been in my post-surgical haze, I've been experimenting with different hair products to see if I could pump up the jam a little in this b. Plus, there are many a drugstore in a close proximity to my house of illness, and I've been using them as my "let's see how much I can move about today" testing sites. And buying a bunch of drugstore beauty shit kind of goes hand-in-hand with those outings. Uhhh doy.

Magically, one of my combos actually really worked! Here's my routine from yesterday that led to my semi-accidental overnight volume situation. And there were zero Lucky Charms involved. Or rabbits' feet.

Step one of this journey involved this Thicker Fuller Hair Shampoo. It's a clear shampoo that smells like soapy plants. (You know how those unisex hair products do.) It has caffeine in it, which supposedly makes your hair stand up, or something. You know, science-y shit. I don't really know the deal, but something wondrous happened.

I used it only on my roots, because I didn't want to dry out my already thirsty-ass ends. On the rest of my hair I used Macadamia Oil Flawless, which is a cleansing conditioner that I ADORE, and found for a friggin' steal at Marshall's for $14.99. Get out there, fellow cheap mofos. There's good good to be had.

When I got out of the shower I used this Fekkai Full Volume Mousse on my roots. I've been using Sally Hershberger's Supreme Lift Root Spray, which I adore, but I'm about to run out, so I thought I would give something new a whirl. I also found this at Marshall's for $9.99 (!!!), but it looks like it's discontinued, so I'll just go start researching hair transplants now, because I give the eff up.

This stuff is pretty boss. It gives great volume, while keeping hair shiny, which is a rarity in the volumizing product world. I'm usually kind of anti-mousse, but I'll totally let this one slide right into the regular hair stuffs rotation. That's really saying something. Except for the whole "discontinued" thing. There's also the whole "my life sucks" thing.

The next couple of things have nothing to do with volume, but I used it on my rug, so I feel obligated to mention them. I've already told you about L'Oreal Professional Mythic Oil, and I'm still toot-tooting along on that silky train. It's light and extremely moisturizing, and I want to bathe in it. With a loofah.

A new hair spritzer for me is this Not Your Mother's Way to Grow Leave-In Conditioner, which is pretty much a detangling leave-in conditioner with some extra grow-y stuff in it. I can't really speak (type???) to the hair-growing part, because I've only used it twice, but it makes your hair feel soft like woah. And it smells pretty delicious. So that's something.

Now play on, playa with your big-ass hair. You're welcome, my fellow flat-haired friend.







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Baby Bieber Sent Himself To Time-Out, Is Now Sorry

Post by Justin Bieber.

Did Biebs make this video after a good nap and tum tum full of Koala Yummies™, or something? Because he is pretty, pretty emo over being such a bad b for the past year or so, and wants you to know that that isn't the real him. He was just playing it up for a role on a "ripped from the headlines" version of Law & Order: SVU where toddlers throw tantrums for a year, maybe. I don't know his life.

So, all we know about the real and mysterious Mr. Bieber (old sport) is that he cares about people and emphatically uses the f-word. Totes kewl.

Play on, Sir Biebs, play on. I guess. I can't really be bothered right now.

I'll be back when I'm feeling more spirited. Until next time.



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I'm Having Surgery And Going To Be On Bed Rest, Here's How I'm Preparing My Beauty Life

I have to have surgery on Thursday. But before you start a massive (or tiny) kickstarter to fund a parade in my loving memory, know that I should be fine. It's going to take me a few weeks to recover, but please save your carnation get well bouquets for someone more deserving.

It turns out that I have a GIANT (like, 4.5 inch) ovarian cyst growing inside my body. I took a picture of it, but I don't know how delicate your sensibilities are, so if you like to peep weird, gross shit, you can check it out here. I know you don't know the normal state of my abdominal area, but that ain't it. It's pretty much like I shoved a grapefruit into my belly through osmosis. Or some other kind of science that I clearly don't understand.

I've known that I have this surgery coming up for a week or so, so I've been trying to prep myself for being laid up for a while and not being able to do my usual beauty nonsense. I was already a big ol' dummy and painted my nails, thinking it would make me feel better. Then I remembered that you have to take all of your polish off before surgery to...check your oxygen levels? Monitor your nail beds? Evaluate your cuticle situation? Shit, I don't know.

So, I started focusing on things that I needed to get done to make myself less of a MF-ing horror show after this process. Looking (relatively) human is the end goal.

The Lazy Razor

I hate shaving my legs, and I rarely do it. It's just so time-consuming for something that I give zero to few shits about. But since professional strangers are going to be doing things to my unconscious body, I thought I might as well clean up all ye olde parts. 

And let me tell you a little something -- if I'm using a razor, the only one I want slice up my ankle bones with is the Schick Intuition Razor (especially this Pure Nourishment with Coconut Milk & Almond Oil one -- it's so moisturizing you'll want to hug it). It's a one-stop shop. You don't need freakin' shaving cream, gel, soap, shampoo, conditioner, or whatever the hell you use, and I've tried it all. It's the razor of my people -- the lazies.

Poppin' Bottles of (Dry) Shamps

I'm kind of anticipating not being able to wash my rug on the daily, and that's going to be rough for an oily mofo like myself. Luckily, I've been stockpiling some of my favorite dry shampoos to remedy this sure-to-be-tragic situation.

I've already mentioned my love for the cult classic Pssssst! Dry Shampoo. It's cheap, it smells good, and it's mild. If you're OILY oily, you'll probably need something stronger, but this is a good pick-me-up spritzer.

My newest cheap(ish) ride-or-die is Batiste Dry Shampoo. I got this one at Marshall's for $5.99, and I'm pretty, pretty into it. It banishes grossness a little more than the Pssssst!, so I like it for second day hair. And I'm anticipating third/fourth/fifth day hair up in this mother. HALP.

Anti-Pasty Legs

CVS Beauty Club was kind enough to send me a whole gaggle of new drugstore beauty stuff, and that included these spankin' new Jergens Natural Glow products. Because you KNOW that I'm in a deep and undying love with Jergens NG stuff, I was pretty jazzy jazzed. Also, my legs are so pale right now that they're weird and purple-y, so I'm all about getting tans on my legs and not on my face RN. You know, to look un-bedridden and whatnot.

I used the Jergens Natural Glow Color Primer In-Shower Scrub for pre-tan exfoliation, and it's pretty fantastic. I'm usually pretty staunchly "I Don't Want No Scrub" when it comes to self-tanner exfoliation, but I really liked this stuff. It has a light and non-annoying scent, and totally gets the job done. I couldn't find it to purchase online, so just check your local CVS if you want to give it a whirl. Or a scrub.

I then used the new Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun Sunless Tanning Mousse, which is completely different from their standard NG lotions, in that it works instantly to deliver that bronzy good good. And this is a mousse, which I LOVE. They dry faster and are way easier to apply. I rubbed it on with bare hands, just to see how orange it made my palms. It was mid-level, so I would wear gloves, especially if you want to do your whole bod.

The final result is very natural and not-Lohan-esque, but also not crazy dark. So if you want something deeeeep, you might need to apply this stuff a couple of times.

The last product is the Jergens Natural Glow Tan Extender Daily Moisturizer. I haven't tried this yet, because I JUST rubbed my damn tan on, but I'll report back and let you know if it allows my laziness to grow leaps and bounds by extending my fake tan. It sounds promising.

Fancy-Ass Feet

My feet are a HOT ass mess, mostly because I haven't had a pedicure in years on years on years. So when I got this Micro-Pedi (also sent to me by CVS Beauty Club), I was like:

My feet are literally and figuratively rough, and I didn't want to be scratching myself up like I live in a sandpaper factory while I lie in my sickbed. N'thanks.

I didn't really know what to expect when I used this contraption. You use it on dry skin, but I did it over the bathtub, because I didn't know how much skin fallout (BRB vomiting) to expect. Let me just fill your beautiful brain with this: THIS THING IS AMAZING.

It's like a little baby sander for your feet. It doesn't hurt, and it really gets the Josie Grossies off. I was very impressed, and that is rare. I love this so much, I want to elementary school marry it.

That's it. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this shit. I'll catch you on the flip side, so in, like, a week or two. I'll keep you updated!

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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Rock 'n' Roll Massage

I don't do well with massages. I'm super uncomfortable and talk the whole time and pretty much make everyone involved feel weird.

But for this months' Outrageous Beauty, I GOT A DAMN MASSAGE. Did I survive? Did I act like a creep? Is there a shot of my tramp stamp? All of these answers and more on this video. Watch if you're into it.



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SNL Making Fun Of Baby Bieber Is The Best Thing They've Done In Years

Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.

"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.

And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.

You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.




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Who Wants To Win Something Up In Here?

Allure is giving away some of their January Sample Society boxes. If you want to see what's inside that bad little baby and how to win, watch this vid.

What would you do if I said "WINNING!" right now? You better say you would slap me. Bonus points if you said slap me with Amal Clooney's white satin '90s prom gloves from the Golden Globes.



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All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:18pm PST

I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:07pm PST

NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.

It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: GIRLS Character Mashup

This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.

So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.

Sorry, Earth.





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Best (Color) Lip Products When Your Lips Are Just SO DRY

Dry lips are a real sack of a-holes. And because it's the height of wintery weather, it's pretty much all-parched-everything right now. But just because your lips are drier than a pair of sun dried tomatoes, that doesn't mean you just want to wear a boring-ass colorless lip chap around all the time. So, instead, I have rounded up my favorite moisturizing babies (with color!) to keep that yappity trap well-hydrated and poppin' at all times.

I really cannot get enough of this Sephora Kiss Kiss Gloss ($7, Sephora). I bought it on an impulse a little bit ago just to get me over that dreaded gotta-get-to-$50-for-free-shipping hump from Sephora, and I've been using it like it ain't no thang.

It's a sheer, bubble gummy pink with shimmer and has a glossy gel texture. It's thick, but not sticky and hydrates like a boss lady. Plus, the container is pretty huge for gloss standards. (It's half an ounce, whereas most glosses are around 0.1 oz.) What I'm saying is -- this is my shit.

Okay, so I guess this stick deal is considered a balm. I really should know these things.

I already told you how much I was vibing on the Dr. Rescue version of Maybelline's Baby Lips, which I am still into. But here's the thing -- you can only use the Dr. Rescue a few times a day because of the menthol in it. It will eff up your life if you overdo it. So I've started using the OG version (this one is in Pink Punch) to supplement my balm usage. It's still nice and creamy...

and provides a nice bit of color to your lips. It's just not mint-like. And I love mint-like.

Speaking of loving mint shit, the top reason that I love this Tarte Maracuja Divine Shine Lip Gloss is because it's minty and moisturizing. But, of course there's one small issue -- I picked a gloss that isn't in production anymore, because I'm a real asshole. But, you can still find it all over Amazon, so only send me one hate postcard. Or post-it. Your choice.

If you can live without the wintergreen times, the Tarte LipSurgence Lip Gloss is another good option. It's just vanilla-esque. So just slightly lesser for dry lip lives. We'll live.

Now go lube up those thirsty lips. Also, tell me if you've got a miracle moisturizing lip thing (with color). I can always have more things. Always more things.



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