Random Homie: Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum

Josie Maran, $30

I love Argan oil products, and rumor had it that Josie Maran has some badass Argan products. So I was super pumped when they sent me the Argan Oil Hair Serum to try. And I decided to give it the old tried and true test -- use it on half my hair, and leave the other half alone.

CLEARLY the half that I used the serum on was the side on (your) right. I shampooed and conditioned them both exactly the same (duh, like I'm talented enough to do any differently), and blow dried using a round brush. I knew that the untreated side was in for a wild ride when I had trouble brushing through it when I was drying it. Ish was a trying task. The half with the serum feels super silky and shiny, and the other side is a damn tumbleweed blowing through a one horse town. Not. Cute. So it's sufficient to say the the Josie's has totally lived up to the hype, and I'm all in on this pony. This silky, sheeny-coated pony. Neeeeigh, b. Neeeeigh!



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Dammit! Snooki Ruins Everything for My Ass.

Last week, I told you guys about my desire to have red hair, and whether or not I should try. Most of you told me I should, and I was about 90% sure that I was going to go for it. Until I saw this.

Mutha effin' Snooki dyed her hair red yesterday. I CANNOT follow in Snooki's footsteps. I've already changed a lot about myself after Snooki came onto the scene. Here I am in October of 2009.

Jersey Shore premiered in December of 2009.

So in response, I WAAAY toned down my self tanning and stopped dying my hair black. I have been trying to avoid the comparisons between the two or us. We're both short, and the similarities were just too strong for my ass. I thought I was in the clear, until this mess yesterday. DAMMIT, SNOOKI!

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jessica Biel-Timberlake's Toddler Hair

via celebuzz

Firstly, is Cindy Lou Who up there taking the Timberlake last name? I feel like you are REALLY missing out if you don't take that name. It sounds like a friggin' rustic Summer's Eve scent. I'm jealous. But I'll tell you what I'm certainly not jealous of -- whatever the eff homegirl has going with her "I'm going to keep my bangs off my face" deal. She seriously looks like every toddler I have ever seen in Target.

I'll use this still watermarked stock file photo because I really felt like a creepy a-hole using some random kid's picture from a mom blog, or something. But seriously. Has JB-T never heard of a couple of bobby pins before? Is she trying to get an endorsement deal with Goody? And according to the description of the photos, this was taken when she was leaving a business meeting. Oh honey, no.

You aren't getting that gig. Unless you were auditioning to play an adult toddler. In that case, you nailed it.



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I Do Not Co-Sign on This Ish.

pic via buzzfeed

Nope. No ma'am. No. You're my girl, C Aggs, but something about this is very reminiscent of womanly times. No.





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Help This B.

Uggggh. I am the most indecisive person in the world. I hate a commitment to anything, even hair color. So I need my home peeps to help me pick my next hair color. Here's somewhat what I currently look like:

Ignore my scrunchie. Or don't, and judge the eff out of me. So you get the idea. It's a darkish brown with some slightly lighter panels. Okay. So here's the thing -- I've had EVERY HAIR COLOR EVER.

I mean, AMIRIGHT? Here are my thoughts -- I really like this hair color. I have blocked the face of this young lady, because I don't even know who she is.

In my wildest fantasies, I want this:

But everyone that I've ever met is STRONGLY opposed to this choice. I hate everyone. OR should I stay pretty much on the hair path that I am currently on? This was the color inspiration for my current color:

I am, of course, open to other options. Help my annoying ass! I don't know what to do with my life!

P.S. Not that it really matters, but my real hair color is a dark, ashy blonde. It's horrendous.







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The Badass B List: Drugstore Cowboys

I have shared with you guys before that I'm a cheap ass b.  I love perusing the aisles of Target/CVS/Walgreens/Wherever the hell to see the newest drugstore wares available. I've been doing it since I was in college, which was roughly two years ago. (Shut up! I want to start lying about my age. I'm sick of being the Blanche of the group. I want to be the Brenda Walsh again. I want to go to Paris on Summer break!) Over all of these years I have found some old standby favorites, and have compiled them here for you.

Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Serum 

drugstore.com, $19.99

I effing adore this stuff. As a beauty blogger (hoity toity ass), it's kind of my deal to try out a lot of different skin care dealios. They don't always work for my skin, which results in crazy breakouts and a hot, hot mess of a face. My life is very glamorous. But, I can always count on this stuff to bring my face back to normalcy. It's a little pricey for a drugstore item, but it's very reasonable for a retinol. Trust. And retinols are great for acne as well as wrinkles, so another sweet thing about this formula is that it's a serum, and not paired with some heavy ass cream that won't work for oily skin.

Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift Root Boost & Heat Protect

drugstore.com, about $11

Have ya' heard? My hair is fine and flat. Meh. I've tried almost one billion (I counted) volumizing products, and I feel like this one works the best. I apply it only at the roots, because it takes away shine, like all volumizers tend to do. And the hair stylist used this on my hair when I was a fancy lady and got my hair cut at the Sally Hershberger salon in NYC. So that means one thing: It's good, y'all.

Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Castille Soap

target, $16.99 for a BIG ASS bottle

 I'm kind of a hippie. I'm one of those annoying people that tries to eat only organic food, buy my food from a local hippie market, blah, blah, blah. That ish does not really mix well with beauty products a lot of times. So whenever I can, I try to use more natural-ish stuff. Dr. Bronner's is pretty much as natural as you can get when it comes to soap. I use it as a body wash and a shaving cream, but apparently you can even use it for toothpaste and cleaning your house and crap -- too much work. A little goes a long way with this stuff, and the peppermint is refreshing as hell. Just make sure you avoid your eyes and no no spots with extreme care. There's peppermint oil in that thurrr bottle.

L'Oreal Voluminous Mascara

target, SPECIAL HOLIDAY DUAL PACK!!! $8.99

This. B*tch. Seriously, I love this mascara (almost) as much as I love cake. And I know I have shared my love before, but I have been trying a friggin' myriad of brands and formulas over the past several months, and I always seem to come back to Voluminous. I put it millimeters under my ride or die b's, Diorshow and Lancome Hypnose. Voluminous is just so damn rich and thick and makes it look like you have the lushest of lashes. AND it's not crunchy when it dries. (I hate that mess.)

Rembrandt Deeply White Toothpaste

drustore.com, about $6

This toothpaste is about twice the price of a tube of Crest, or whatever, but the whitening power is so much greater. I am not CRAZY about using a non-natural toothpaste (hippie, again), but sometimes my vain ass overpowers my brain. And when it does, I use this toothpaste. Because the ish works. Period.

Seche Vite Top Coat

CVS, $8.99

Once again, this is a little pricier than a cheapo polish top coat. BUT. This stuff is freaking amazing. It's very thick, but not in a hard-to-apply kind of way. It's more of an almost acrylic looking nail that you are left with. And it's a fast drying top coat, so you don't have to sit on your ass of three hours waiting for your nails to dry. (That part is completely optional.)

That's it, boo boos! Have you guys used any drugstore items that you can't live without? Share with a b! This ain't no one way street.

P.S. Maybe being Blanche isn't so bad.

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BREAKING NEWS: Beyonce Got Bangs.

pic via usweekly

I don't like them. Nor do I enjoy your ensemble. (To be read en-sam-blay.) Carry on.

Thoughts, people?


via usweekly



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Shaun White's Seashell Boobs and Dinglehopper

pic via shaun white's twitter

I've been posting a lot of semi nude men lately, but this is just crossing (heh) the mofo line. This is Shaun White's Halloween costume. Get it? He's Ariel. (Ginger, tail, dinglehopper...) I secretly have a warm spot (Shut up! It's warms -- in spots -- sometimes.) for ginger dudes. For some reason, I think that they are sexual in one way or another. Two words: Prince Harry. I think it's because I have a red haired recessive gene in my family, and it's nature trying to keep the red huurrr going strong. Whatever. I do find Shaun White's hair sexy, but only if it was on my head. B has some good ass hair, right? So I did a little research, AKA googled, and here's what he says are his hair tips to People in like 2010:

“My secret is an awesome new product – called water,” White deadpans. “It’s pretty curly on its own. I just use the hotel shampoo and conditioner and wash it every other day, because otherwise it gets huge. Two days of snowboarding in a helmet helps — it looks better dirtier.”

Smug b.


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Random Homie: Oscar Blandi Texture & Volume Spray

pic via sephora

My hair is fine as ish. And not in like a, "Damn girl, you're fine." kind of way. (I am actually aware that it is not the year 2000. My my brain is just stuck there, like Liz Lemon's brother on 30 Rock.) So I'm always looking for something for a volume boost. And lately I have been really into the undone hair look, as opposed to my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/OC/NJ/NY...waves that I have been doing on and off for years.

This lil' can of Oscar Blandi Texture & Volume Spray (that was another goodie from my Best of Beauty SWAG) is like an instant blamo of UNDONE sexy. I have been keeping the can in my purse and giving some extra sprays throughout the day. Then I rake my fingers through my hair at the end to get that unfinished/slightly beachy look. I wanted to take some before and after pictures, but I didn't have enough time to wash my hair before work this morning, and that greasy ass situation is NOT CUTE right now. It's for your own damn good, trust me.

One caution: If you like super shiny hair, this is not your bag. It's kind of mattifying and texturizing, which is the point of it. I used it on a friend's hair at work because she has the super crazy straight, silky, shiny hair that won't hold curl at all. I asked her how it turned out the next time I saw her, and she said the curls stayed for DAYS in that straight ass hair.

via mrhankey

Okay? Okay. Check it out for yourself here.



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Random Homie: Redken for Men Clean Brew Extra Cleansing Shampoo

I'm into a dude (shampoo). Here's how it happened. Redken sent me a sample of their Clean Brew shampoo, and after my husband's diva ass refused to try it, I decided to give it a go on my own dirty mop. From Redken:

"Anti grit technology, with a premium blend of malt, brewer’s yeast and orange zest, intensely cleanses to eliminate dirt and oil while helping to purify the scalp."

I thought to myself, "Yep, I need all of that ish. I'm grossly dirty and oily." So I used it, like any boss b would, and I haven't looked back. I like to use this shampoo once or twice a week to get rid of all of my oily/dirty mess. I follow it up with a a semi-deep (Heh.) conditioner, and my hair is like an effin' dream. It smells like a boy, but that doesn't bother me in the least. Clean dudes smell good, right?

I will caution ladies with vibrantly dyed/fragile/dry hair from using this. It could eff up your world. But if you're oily or use a lot of styling products, jump on the dude shampoo clarifying train. There's plenty of room on board for all of us broads. Toot toot!

If you're into it, you can purchase here for about $14.




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Uh Huh, This My Ish. (Hollaback Girl)

I'm a bit (a lot) of a product w when it comes to haircare products. I can pretty much never, ever stick with one shampoo and conditioner combo. I like to have a Great Wall of China in my shower -- you get the idea. But I was forced to pare down my army of products and bring only one of each because I am traveling right now. (Why is life so effing hard?!?!) I have a sudden epiphany, you guys. I totally have a favorite shampoo and conditioner, and I didn't even realize it.

Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging Shampoo & Conditioner

This stuff is my total ish right now. While I was packing, it came to me that I have really only been using my Alterna Anti-Aging Seasilk Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner. The Alterna peeps sent this to me a while back to try, and I immediately added it to my all star shower lineup. I have been an Alterna fan for several years, starting with the Life line. That was my hardcore jam for a hot, hot minute.

I was worried that my hair would be weighed down or greasy with this combo, because my scalp is an effing oil rig, but they are very light. I've been using them/loving them more and more. I will totally be buying these puppies when I run out.

Now I have to go because I am typing this in the car somewhere in rural Georgia, and if I don't stop I will be vomiting at any moment. You are welcome for ending on that imagery. Sorry. Think about unicorns jumping over rainbows with koala bears in bow ties riding on their backs.

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What's The Deal With Argan Oil, Anyway? (Jerry Seinfeld Voice)

You seriously can't swing a dic...tionary (See what I did there?) without seeing something about how freakin' AMAZEBALLS (I'm using that ironically; I hate it.) Argan oil is for everything from your face to body to hair. I have used some kind of Argan oil product on my hair for probably the last five years, when Moroccan Oil shoved Biosilk to the curb. Oh, Biosilk...That mess was my jam FOR. EV. A.

But beyond that, I never really explored any other beauty products with Argan oil, or even really known what it was. I read a bunch about it on Wikipedia, then I promptly forgot it all. But I do remember that originally they harvested the nuts or whatever from goat poop. Enjoy that nugget (har, har) of knowledge.

If you don't remember this, ugggggh.

 It comes from the kernel (nut?) of the Argan tree, which kind of looks like a bigger version of Mr. Miyagi's Bonsai tree. Part of the process has to be done by hand, so that's probably why that ish is pretty expensive. So quit your bitching, unless you want to crack the nuts yourself.

pic via wikipedia

Okay, enough about real information. Let's get to the good good. I must confess, I haven't used Argan oil on my face. But I have been using Tarte's Maracuja Oil, that I got as part of a cosmetic set.

$46, QVC

It's not as thick as Argan oil, and mine is a little mini size that has a roller ball deal on the top, which is pretty bad as eff. But I have taken to using this stuff as a night time moisturizer, and I love it. My face feels ridic soft in the morning, and not super oily. Which is weird, because well, it's a friggin' oil.

Okay, back to the topic at hand, Argan oil. On my hunt for awesome products containing the ol' magical oil, I discovered that Kiehl's has a full line of Argan oil based products for both hair and body. And Kiehl's is obvi the bee's knees, so I harassed them until they let me try them. Just kidding -- they are totally nice, and did not file a restraining order -- yet.

For body lotions/oils, I fell hard for two products: the Superbly Restorative Argan Body Lotion ($38) and the Superbly Restorative Argan Dry Oil ($34).

I am usually a body oil kind of girl, and I don't mind a greasy one. (All of that sounded super inappropriate.) But this oil is absorbed quickly, and moisturizes the hell out ya skin. And the lotion is equally as fabulous. My main problem with lotion, generally, is that I feel like it just "sits" on top of my skin and feels filmy. But this leaves my skin feel soft and silky. And they both have a kind of citrusy, nutty, non-perfumey smell that I totally enjoy. I feel like even dudes could use these. I seriously can't choose which one I like more. Don't make me Sophie's Choice it up in this b.

For the hair situation, I also have found some badassery with Argan oil. For a super moisturizing hair masque,  Kiehl's Superbly Smoothing Argan Hair Pak ($25) is the business. It's not crazy heavy and oily, and it's silicone and paraben-free. I use it about once a week, and it makes my hair like butta.

I was also given an Argan oil leave-in to try, coming from a company that is new to me. It's called U LUXURY Argan Oil (about $48) from Unite Hair, and this has become my daily down a*s b. I like this more than the shall-remain-unnamed Argan oil that I have been using for about the past year, and even more than the original Moroccan Oil. It has yet to make my hair feel oily, or over-productized. (Listen, I know that that is not even close to being a word, but just go with it.) You know that feeling, when you've used too much crap in your hair? And you get that sinking feeling of "Oh, ish. I'm going to have to wash this mop all over again, aren't I?" Not with this lil' lady, you won't.

So what did we learn today? Rubbing nut juice all over your face, hair, and body is super good for it. ( SOMEONE STOP THESE WORDS FROM COMING FROM MY FINGERS. IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.) But seriously, Argan oil is friggin' boss, you guys. Even for this oily b. Do you guys have a favorite Argan (or other type of oil) product? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



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People are Doing Crap to Their Hair, Again. (Plus Cyrus Family Music That's Really Friggin' the Business.)

As I'm sure all of you h's have seen, My Cy (aka Miley Cyrus) cut that hurrr. Here's a collage that I made of some of her Twitter pictures, because I am a twelve year old girl.

Now, here's the thing. I like it. She's young, and this is the time to do this crap. She looks like a sexual(ish) Susan Powter.

With a tiny dash of Kate Gosselin.

Remember THAT haircut? That was tragic. But I'm totally into MC's hair. I'm jealous that I can't pull off that mess. But Miley's not the only b in the game that's switching up that rug. Mizz Christina Aguilera also rode that pony.

pic via US Weekly

This, on the other hand, I am not into.  It's just TOO MUCH. Especially for someone of her age. Now I'm not saying b is OLD, but we're the same age. I'm immature as a mofo, and I consider myself about seven years too old to do this jazz. And it's all just a little...Um...(Porny.) But that's a good look! (If that's your thing. And if so, play on, player.)

In another twist of events that turns the tables back to the Cyrus family, I have a new jam, and it's by a band that includes Miley Cyrus' older sister. The band's called Frank + Derol, and the song is called "Barely Love You Too." Click below to download that ish fo' free. You have nothing to lose, and it's seriously freaking the bee's knees. Just download it, and wear out your repeat dealy deal. You are welcome.






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PTL. Something Cheap That Works Like a MoFo. (Or at Least a Mo. Or a Fo.)

By this time, if you know ANY effin' THING about me, you know a couple of things: I am an oily, oily ass b, and I love some cheapness. But I really hate when something is cheap and doesn't work. I have a freakin' crap load of junk that falls into that category.

On the oily tip, I feel like I have tried almost every dry shampoo out there. From cheap to expensive, powder that you shake on to spray nonsense, I've tried it all. Back in the day, when my hair was so blonde that it was pretty much white, baby powder was my jam. I mean it's made to absorb moisture. Bam! Done. But now that my hair is dark, that ish is completely out the window. Don't even attempt that mess, you will look like a trashy attempt at a George Washington costume. Not good. Back to the point, I have yet to find a dry shampoo in all of my explorations that really does a bomb ass job. I'm usually served up with a big ol' helping of "meeeeeh," with a large side of still oily hair.

Which brings me to a few weeks ago. One of my friends, who feels my oily/dark hair/every dry shampoo sucks pains let me know that she had found a winner in the dry shampoo. Enter Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo:

You can buy it pretty much anywhere, from Walmart to Target to Walgreens (or wherever the eff) and it's about $6 or $7. I was pretty "b please" about it before I tried it, because usually these 'invisible' dry shampoos are: a) not invisible, and b) don't friggin' work. But I have to say, I was impressed by this lil' dude. I read some of the low reviews on Amazon, and I have to put this out there -- don't spray it on the ends of your hair if you want your hair to be soft and shiny. SPRAY IT ON YO' ROOTS, PEOPLE. I actually took some before and after pictures of my three day unwashed gross hair. Those of you with a weak stomach, avert your eyes.

Not bad. I wouldn't win even World's Ugliest Dog beauty pageant or anything, but much, much better. One and a half thumbs up! (If you are of normal oily levels, this will be your new b.)




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My Strange Addiction: Hair Color Edition

I'm weird. (I know, no ish on that one.) But one of my weirdest quirks comes to my treatment of hair dye. I have a horrible habit of having a boss b as a hair stylist, and then deciding that I should dye my own sh*t. I don't know what the eff my deal is. I'm an a-hole.

In my quest to be the world's worst hair client, I have tried just about every home hair dye out there, from the cheap mess to Sally Beauty Supply "professional" stuff. I'm surprised I haven't melted my own face off at this point. I stopped by the ol' Sephora today and got Couture Colour's Luxeblend™ Crème Hair Colour With Pequi Glossing Serum in Dark Brown, because I have been dying (har, har) to try a little bit more of an upscale at home dye, and this one doesn't have ammonia.

This is what the kit looks like. It comes with a brush (but no bowl) if you want to apply it that way, or it also has a bottle tip, if that's more your bag. They also include a little vial of pequi oil (whatever the hell that is) to use to condition the hair after coloring. I guess it's like a Moroccan/argan oil. That's what it seemed like to me.

I chose to use the brush application method, because a) I'm a badass, and b) I have a hair color bowl. It actually makes a pretty large amount of dye when mixed. It was really just the perfect amount of product to do an all-over color. I was a little worried (not really) about how the color would turn out, because I had read some reviews on the Sephora website that said all of the colors were darker than the box. Um, duh peeps. It's home hair color. That ish is always darker. And it's called DARK brown. Dark.

Here are my before and after results. I have had some ombre/balayage highlights for several months now, and I'm over it. So I really just wanted to cover them b's up. The afters are an inside and an outside photo. I'm happy with the color. It's a dark brown, which is what I expected, and the color is very even and shiny. And the smell was pleasant (to me anyway) but I actually like the smell of hair dye. I'm a gross weirdo.

I think I have found my new go to hair dye for the periods of time when I want to pretend that I know WTF I'm doing. Are you guys DIY-ers? Or am I the only crazy ass?




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Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

Pic via Allure.com

My next installment for Allure's Daily Beauty Reporter is up. And this time I talk about my bang journey and stalking Krysten Ritter and Carly Rae Jepsen. Go read it here.



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If I Didn't Look Like a Manilla Folder When I'm a Blonde, I Would TOTALLY Do This

 Tampa peeps: This ish sounds amaze, so get all up on it.

I was contacted by a nice young man named Jameson Gardner, who is a beauty professional from LA currently working in Tampa at the salon in Saks 5th Avenue. He has worked for years in hair & makeup (at one time I was a resident makeup artist on American Idol). So, he pretty much sounds like a badass.

He is doing a service in the Tampa Saks 5th Avenue salon called "Back to Blonde," where he takes dark haired ladies to blonde IN ONE DAY! That ish cray. Here are the deets from him:

We do models on Mondays & Tuesdays.  As a model you are treated with the same luxury and premium service as full paying clients.  Guests are entitled to a cappuccino, complimentary scalp and hand massage and full style and blow dry.  We want our models to walk out of Saks 5th Avenue looking and feeling gorgeous.  We also want them to tell their friends how awesome the salon is.

The "Back to Blonde" service is time consuming (4-6 hours) so patience is appreciated.  A model must be willing to let us photograph them.  Their image may be used in our brochures and advertisements.  We are willing to perform the service on a naturally dark brunette but we prefer people with color treated hair.  There really aren't any limitations as far as the person's age, ethnicity or appearance.  All types are encouraged to apply.  It's the hair and the process we're most interested in.

The "Back to Blonde" modeling service cost $50.00.  Once it is listed on our menu it will have a starting retail price of $300.00.  The receptionists blocks me out Mondays & Tuesdays so for this service folks would have to book directly through my email.  Just have them send a picture to jamesongardner@gmail.com.

Our stylists are the best and we guarantee impeccable results.  But with color treated hair (especially people who have used box colors) the end results can be unpredictable.  Results may vary but we will never send anyone home looking bad.  Lastly all models MUST be willing to relax and let us lavish them with luxury. 

So any Tampa-area ladies that are interested in this boss deal, email Jameson at jamesongardner@gmail.com. And let me be jealous of your ass!


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People Are Doing Crap to Their Hair and Stuff

Pic via US Weekly

Betty Draper (birth certificate name: January Jones) is now a ginger. Don't worry, her b face is still in tact. I'm not saying that to be an a-hole. I, myself, have a b face. People are always like, "What's wrong, sugar pie? Why so glum?" And I'm all, "Nothing. This is what my face looks like." So I feel you, B-Dubs.

Pic via E! Online

And in young buck news, Demi Lovato is now doing the pink tip deal. Does anyone else think that Demi is looking less and less Demi Lovato-like? She's a cute kid either way, I'm just saying. And why wasn't this pink hair mess around when it was age appropriate for me to do this ish? I missed out. My life is turrible.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Well at least there's this.


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Ugh, Hot People Can Do ANYTHING

Pic via Huffington Post

Charlize Theron shaved her head for some reason that I am too lazy to google, but, duh, for a role. And she's dressed dude-ish here. And she's still super hot. And her baby is like poster child for the Adorbs Parade. (Don't you wish that existed? It would be like a parade of babies riding on puppies, stuffed into kangaroo pouches. Can someone make this happen?)

Is anyone else hating their life right now? But I will say that I never noticed before this whole head-shaving deal that Charlize and my own lil' Brit Brit are kind of neck twins:

Seriously, people that are still super hot with shaved heads are such a-holes. Am I right?

Ugh. Ridic gorgeous alien. Hate you.

Still super hot.

If I shaved my head, I would totally look like this:

I hate my life.




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