Monday, December 30, 2013

Just In Time To Be Uncomfortably Terrified One Last Time This Year: A Dude Pretending To Be A Tiger.



The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?

Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.


Happy New Year.



via reddit


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Friday, December 20, 2013

Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only
I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?


I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips


There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line


I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:


Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.


Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.




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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

In Get-Off-My-D-Hole-I'm-Still-Into-This News: THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW SEASON OF TEEN MOM 2 IS HERE.


A little rundown of this gem of a trailer -- Jenelle is obviously still going to be my hate-vorite this season. If you can stare into that crazy roots/Tiffany choker/eyebrow situation and NOT feel love, then I'm sorry for you. Plus, her boyfriend has highlights and wears leather cuffs! Please let him be in a Daughtry cover band. Not to mention, Babs is back, mofos! Babs saying, "I didn't paht the needuhl in huh ahm," while wearing a dalmatian-esque slinky top should be my life's new ringtone.

And chunky highlights girl might be getting a divorce from the new Affliction-shirted hubsand! Sacre bleu.


Oh, and those other two boring turkey sandwiches with a side of sour cream and onion chips are there, too.  I hate that I love you, Teen Mom 2.





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The ONLY Thing You Need To Know About Kanye West.

pics via huffington post
That dude likes ice cream.

Be careful, Yeezy. There are some ice cream pitfalls:


It makes you fodder for kidnappers.


It's kind of addictive. (And might cause extreme b*tch assness, if Betty is any indication.)


It can eff up your facial hair game.


It's not always easy to eat. But you know what, 'Ye? Do you.


There are worst things you could be into.






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Monday, December 16, 2013

Commit Assault And Battery On Your Under-Eye Assailants

There are very few things that can kill your "I'm looking pretty damn fine" swagger quicker than under-eye issues. That is, except maybe these pants that I just witnessed Tiffani (Amber, I refuse to stop saying this) Thiessen wearing on Lifetime Movie Network.

 

Oh, 1995 fashions, what a cruel mistress you were. Almost as hated as the bags, puffiness, dark circles, and a myriad of other drama-starters that were the original focus of this blog. There is not a perfect fix for any of these rude ass situations, unfortunately, but we can greatly improve upon them. Thank you, Yeezus. (He'll just take credit anyway.)

Get Your Natural Remedies On


I LIVE for a great DIY solution to beauty problems. Well, that and wine. And bacon. Luckily, there are a couple of boss b at-home remedies for under-eye circle/bag/puffiness that rivals the Stay Puft dude from Ghostbusters. The first one involves tea bags. Of the tea variety, only. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any kind of inappropriate anatomy joke with this, so shut your yam holes.

After you've brewed yourself a cup of delicious tea something, preferably a concoction with caffeine, like black or green, put the bags in the fridge to cool. You want caffeinated goodness because it helps to reduce puffiness and swelling. As in buh-bye baginess. The coldness from refrigeration also helps with this dreadful bag situation. Now all that remains to be done is to lie back with the bags on your eyes for ten minutes or so. HOLY TRASH BOX, THAT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP IT TOGETHER AND BE AN ACTUAL ADULT. So many dirty opportunities wasted. I hope you're happy, mom.

Fresh out of tea bags? (Not a word!) Cucumber slices are also a great option to de-puff. Same deal applies -- cold cucumber slices, putting them on your peepers for ten minutes. Your swollen soul-windows are on their way to being history.

Carrying a Conceal(er)ed Weapon


I'm pretty sure that a great concealer could be the eighth Wonder of the World, and I've been using this Koh Gen Do Liquid Treatment Concealer (Sephora, $48) on the daily from the moment they sent it to me. It's not super heavy, but it's moisturizing as a mofo. It also has great stuff like brightening properties and jojoba and shea butter. My photography skills are as lame as they get, so please ignore them, but this stuff is the new Supreme of my concealer coven.

No matter your concealer choice, the best way to blend away your under-eye shadows is with a firm (but also lenient) ring finger application. Pat the concealer on the area from the inner corner of your eye, while blending out and down toward your cheekbone. If you have really, really dark circles, use a concealer with a more yellow tone -- it cuts those hard-to-hide blue-ish hues more.

The (Eye) Cream Machine

Ugh, eye area, why must you be so delicate and crows' feet prone? And why do I have to be so into expensive sh*t? My favorite eye serum is Obagi's ELASTIderm Eye Complete Complex Serum (Skinstore, $93.60), because it doesn't make me breakout, and it's moisturizing without being heavy. But, it costs roughly three arms and seven legs, so I can only get this stuff on very rare occasions. 

A close second for me is Glytone Anti-Aging Eye Cream (Amazon, $29.83), which is more affordable and still has all those cat's pajama-esque ingredients like caffeine (remember that?) and vitamins, or whatever. Whatever you end up using, just use something. It'll keep your crinkly eye issues at bay for longer, so don't skip that mess.


This eye care stuff is serious business. Tread lightly.




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Friday, December 13, 2013

Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline
Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews
Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs





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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Fun Times With The New Eddie Funkhouser Cosmetics Line. (See What I Did There?)

I really could write an entire post here about my high levels of jealousy that my last name isn't Funkhouser, but I'll save (most of) my neuroses for every other effing thing that I write. Eddie Funkhouser, who is badass/rocker-chic makeup artist dude, just came out with a new line of cosmetics. So, of course, I really wanted to try all that new new, and the nice EF peeps sent me some stuff to sample. Why anyone on this Earth indulges in my pleas and annoyances, I don't really know.


I first tried the Girls on Film Palette ($14.99), which is made up of non-blahsville colors like pink(ish) tones, blue and silver. They all blend pretty damn nicely, and are a welcome change from the neutral tones that I am always shoveling all over my eyeball lids.


Speaking of neutrals, OF COURSE I had to try the Utlimate Smoky Eye Palette ($14.99), too, because I'm a brat that just told you how much I love neutrals. Thanks for ignoring me. I really love this little angel of a compact, and I completely enjoy that a base/highlight eyeshadow shade is included, because it indulges my lazy lifestyle. I'm bout it, bout it when it comes to that easy life.


Speaking of neutrals (part deux), I also have a total lady boner when it comes to nude-y girl lip colors. For lipstick, I went for the Hyperreal Nourishing Lip Color in Innuendo ($11.99). It has an uber creamy (sorry, I'm disgusting myself with that word, but it's accurate) texture, and has the slightest pink touch to nude, to make sure you don't look like an undead person. It's pretty, pretty without being too princess-y.

The nude n' lovely gloss is the Hyperreal Hydrating Lip Gloss in Unapologetic ($10.99), and this beast has earned a permanent place in my purse. (It's a modern day tongue twister!) I'm a sucker ass sucker for a pink/nude gloss sans glittery goop, and this stuff is pretty killer.

via realitytvgifs
The best part of this line? It's affordable! So I can totally be a sucker for all this badassery, without having to actually sucker...never mind. Check out all of the Eddie Funkhouser fun for yourself here.




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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: The Biebs Is Probably Still Acting Like A D*ck




Let's not even delve into that sad sack fuzzy wuzzy upper lip situation that JB is once again forcing us to endure. It's not about that right now.



I'm not even trying to deal with these abominations that call themselves pants, that somehow have both Macho Man Randy Savage and Tupac simultaneously rolling over in their graves. (RIP.) Those pants should be on the body of a 43 year old meth cook that was fired from 7-11 for stealing Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpees, not a young buck pop star. But it's not even about the pants.

Nope, Bieber is on my ain't-nothing-but-a-d-thang radar for this story out of Australia, in which he called a girl a "beached whale," among other bullsh*t insults while being a little sh*t and lounging around a hotel pool. From a witness:

"One girl who was gorgeous looking, with long dark hair and would have been about a size 14. Justin looked over at her and said 'What are you, Hawaiian or something?' She said 'No, I'm not'. Then he said 'You look like a beached whale' ... The girl said 'Are you serious' and he said 'You should go on The Biggest Loser.' ... The whole pool deck heard him call this beautiful young girl a beached whale. Everyone heard. And there was silence. It was almost like his security were used to it."


Ummm, excuse me? Those that live in glass houses shaped like bubble gum machines filled with stick-on mustaches should not cast the first stone. That would be like me calling an actual box of garbage a trash heap. Pot/kettle black deal, and all.


You better get your life right, Biebs. One day, you'll be able to grow an actual big boy patch of facial hair, and your shenanigans will be less than cute. Quit acting like a big bag o' d*cks, JB. No brownie with your Kid Cuisine tonight.




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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The YOLO Anthem You Never Asked For Or Wanted

Hey guys, guess what? I found the anthem of current times, and it features a lot of bad wigs, faux vomiting, a shirtless Jersey Shore-esque dude on a trampoline and a sh*tload of Ozzy Osbourne sunglasses.



Let's dissect this as we watch.

0:01 - Prom shoes.
0:12 - Oh, sh*t. This is going to be bad.
0:18 - Humping birds and an inauthentic Facebook "like" thumb. Why?
0:22 - Ohhhhh, this is Eastern Euopean. Where they really enjoy Hasselhoff. I kind of wish he was in this.
0:33 - Huge "YOLO" joints. Is that how you must watch this?
0:47 - *than
0:51 - Dance floor. Two words. Who edited this???
0:53 - "I'm just like Paris Hilton in 2003, but Russian and I have a Jack Russel"
1:22 - A guy on the trampoline has a rotary phone. If that doesn't make you feel YOLO, I don't know what would.
1:30 - What kind of top does one reach from YOLO-ing? Trash mountain?
1:35 - What the eff is going on with that low-rent DIY liquor (?) bottle?


1:42 - Apparently, being freightened by break-dancing, cheap ass mask-wearing dude in an unfinished apartment building makes you brave.
1:54 - Prince('s cousin's adopted son)?
2:45 - Oh, good, it's over.
2:46 - Dammit.
2:50 - Glamorous condom slipping.
2:57 - Romance.
3:00 - "Jewels."
3:17 - Running Man with terrible form.
3:37 - Popping YOLO bottles in the Wet Seal version of the "Bad" Michael Jackson jacket.

Annnnnnd, scene. If that video cost more than a day old ham sandwich to make, homegirl should demand a refund. I'm pretty sure I just watched the live action, musical version of this:



via reddit 


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The Best Beauty Unicorns You Could Possibly Buy For Under $13

Thirteen is a random ass number to choose, I'm super aware. I wanted to try to keep this sh*t under $10, but there are some products that I really wanted to include, and they were a teensy bit over the ten spot mark. Get off my jock; I do what I want.

The Best Products to Get Those Peepers Poppin' Off Like Champagne Bottles.


You guys will have non mf-ing factor levels of surprise when I tell you that Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde (drugstore.com, $2.99 for two pack) is my number one pick. I literally talk about these things all the time. People are like, "Hey Sex, what time is it?" And I'm all, "You really should try these Maybelline brow pencils, then your brows will always be on time." ZING! (With bonus points for a light Ashanti/Ja Rule reference.)


I recommend blonde to every-damn-body, regardless of hair color, then darkening up with eyeshadow or brow powder if necessary. The only exception are m'ladies with darker skin tones. Opt for one of the slightly darker pencils in that case.

Runner Up: I am creeper-levels into the new L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Butterfly Mascara (Target, $7.99). It's like my old school homegirl L'Oreal Voluminous on 'roids. Try it. It's the sauciest minx.

Bonus Bonus: Jesus take the wheel, I can't stop telling you about eye stuffs. I have to mention the SEPHORA COLLECTION Waterproof Smoky Cream Liner (Sephora, $12), or I would be the queen of the b-words and a total liar face. This is the PERFECT formula for that annoying ass waterline lining, and the price is right, beyotch.

Skin as Smooth as Silk in This Mean Mug.
 

There are few things that I love more than a sumptuous ass body oil that doesn't smell like an infant, and SheaMoisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Bath, Body & Massage Oil (Target, $10.29) beyond fits the bill. It's really, really moisturizing and smells like a freshly-bathed hippie.


That's one of the positives of this stuff, just in case it was unclear.

Runner Up: If I need even MORE moisture on my skin organ (bleh), I always use Palmer's Cocoa Butter (CVS, $6.29). ALWAYS. It's like butter in a bottle that smells vaguely chocolatey. Like you've been frolicking along the Willy Wonka chocolate river, and somehow your skin has been replaced by the velvet from Violet's dress.

The BEST Bad B Nail Polish.


If you are ever feeling slightly blah-like, Floss Gloss in Stun (Floss Gloss, $8) on your finger guns is the cure. It's like a disco ball got it on with the yellow brick road. There is not a better glitter polish in this galaxy. Trust.

Runner Up: Whenever I'm feeling like Lil' Kim circa 1997 and I need my fingernails to match my mood, I get all up on Wicked from Essie (Essie, $8.50). It's a really deep and dark burgundy that gives zero effs about anything. For badasses only.

Give Yourself a Clean Slate.


Just in case you didn't get the latest newsletter from Lazies News of The World, I'm crazy lazy. Because of this character weakness, I really love to use Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water (Sephora, $13) to clean up the mess that is my day's makeup after it's curtains on the day. This stuff is insanely gentle on your skin and causes exactly 0.0000 irritation. It's for the times I can't really be held responsible for actually washing my face like an actual adult.


Runner Up: When it comes to cleansing face wipes, I'm really about that Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes with White Tea Extract (Drugstore.com, $4.49) life. They get the job done while being gentle as baby cherub wing kisses.

Getting a Whole Lotta Lip Service.


If bold and beautiful lips are your goal in life, then CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound (Drugstore.com, $7.49) needs to get in your makeup bag, STAT. It's the kind of lip color that people will stop you mid-brunched out mimosa sip and ask you where the hell you got that lipstick.

Runner Up: Looking for the lip equivalent of a hot pair of nude heels? Then you really need to get on the L'Oreal Colour Riche in Sheer Linen (Target, $7.99) bandwagon. (Surely, one exists.) It's moisturizing as eff, while giving you that whole "your lips, but better" deal.

Now go enjoy getting your beauty on for the cheapness, and save that change in your pocket for more wine times.





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Friday, December 6, 2013

Let's Talk About This New Lana Del Rey "Tropico" Ish

Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)

Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.



That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:

Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.

She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.


There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.

Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.


Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.



Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)








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Monday, December 2, 2013

Get The Most Out Of That Damn DIY Mani

My life is so effing hard. I really enjoy having beautiful/well-manicured nails, but I can't afford to get professional manis, and I hate taking the time to do that sh*t myself, just to have those mofos chip in 37 minutes. Eff you, nail chips. You're a d*ck.


Don't you worry your beautiful little angel fish face about this, though. Over my years, upon years of working against the man (AKA terrible manicures), I have developed a system that allows nails to be not-so-the-worst. (Yay?)

Keep That Sh*t Fresh to Death.



One of the world's biggest c-blocks to a lasting manicure is oil on your nails that cause premature polish chip-ilation (see what I did there?). The easiest way to wipe out that problematic nonsense is to give your claws the ol' cotton ball swipe with acetone. It will zap the oils from your nails, leaving those b*tches primed and ready for polishing.

Tip: Make this the last step before you start mani-ing. (Don't wash your hands, put on lotion, pet a rapid howler monkey after.)

Get Your Coats Right.


Have you seen the sign? Lasting manicures should start with a(n Ace of) base coat and end with a top coat. After the above acetone wipe, apply a base coat, followed by watching a couple minutes of the Real Housewives franchise of your choice. Then go to town, painting on two coats of your chosen polish. Watch a few more minutes of NeNe Leakes giving it to somebody, then finish off with the top coat, making sure you get that top edge of your nail, just to seal that mess in right. Get it right, get it tight, as instructed by Bubba Sparxxx.

Tip: To help your nails dry faster, run them under really cold water after they've dried a bit.

Cuticle Oil? More Like Beautiful Oil.


creative nail design solar oil, $7.59 (drugstore.com)
I love cuticle oil, man. Not only does it keep your cuticles conditioned, but it also keeps your manicure looking all shiny and sh*t. This CND bad b is my favorite of the cuticle oils, but you can even use olive oil, if that cheap tip is more your style.

Stick It Real Good.


There is one sure-fire way to avoid a chipped ass mani at all costs -- NAIL STICKERS. When they start getting weird and peel-y like, you can peel the stickers off and be on to the next one. Suck at nail art, but want to be a fancy ass? NAIL STICKERS! Hate waiting for polish to dry because you're impatient? NAIL STICKERS, MOFO! You get the idea.

Tip: For best staying power, start with the acetone wipe from the jump off.

Now, go, get out of here! Off to the wild you go, with a hot ass, lasting manicure.


I'll see you kids later.



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