Sh*t That Was Unequivocally The Worst About The 90s

Oh, the 90s, you really were the devil's playground, filled with so many treasures like chokers and Paula Poundstone suits, and then also bringing the pain with some truly awful trash. I feel like this era of life has just recently exited the "too soon" category, and I'm now free to trash talk at will. With that in mind, I present to you the WORST crap that the 90s ever served up.

#1 -- Running Out of Free AOL Hours

I don't know what kind of bullsh*t this picture is talking about, but in my day (yes, I'm one of those people now), AOL's stingy ass only shelled out ten free hours a month. Then you then spent twice as many hours dialing up to get online, followed by yelling at your mom when she picked up the phone to call her friend Mary and ruining your teen chat room game. And just when you were REALLY getting into talking to that boy from Tacoma, Washington about his favorite show on TGIF, the AOL hours rug got pulled out right from under your a-hole and your dumb ten hours were up. Your days were then filled with checking the mail on a pretty constant basis, praying to Andrew Keegan that more hours were on their way. (P.S. This is a 100% factual account of my life.)

Level of Terrible-ness: Not being able to get your Capri-Sun straw in the hole on the first time and bending the pointy part on the end, rendering it useless.

#2 -- 3D Magic Eye Posters

These friggin' things, man. They were everywhere you looked, from your Language Arts teacher's desk next to the "Hang in There" kitten poster, to your grandparents' living room wall. My grandparents had one of the Statue of Liberty. They weren't recent immigrants, thankful to be under the watchful eye of Lady Liberty, or anything, they were just from Alabama.

The worst thing about the Magic Eye posters were you had to half-cross your eyes to even catch a glimpse of whatever bullsh*t thing that was supposed to pop out, pretty much guaranteeing strained eyes and an instant headache. Plus, there was always that nagging little voice in your head saying, "You know that your eyes might get stuck that way." If I acquired permanent eyeball damage from looking at an effing 3D poster when I was 11, I would rage against this world.

Level of Terrible-ness: Finishing a Mad Libs book without ever writing "penis."

#3 -- Crystal Pepsi

Just kidding! That sh*t was the truth.

Level of Terrible-ness: The Spice Girls movie.

#4 -- Eyebrow Shenanigans

cuts on cuts on cuts

where'd your brows go, drew?

This decade was straight AWFUL on eyebrows. We were coming off of a decade where we laid our eyes upon beautiful brows like the ones that graced Brooke Shield's mug, and plunged right into the depths of fiery eyebrow hell. Trust, hell would be filled with sh*tty eyebrows. The 90s were chock full o' nuts doing dumb crap to their brows, from partially shaving them to tweezing them into shapes much, much smaller than a wee newborn's eyebrow. Nope.

Level of Terrible-ness: Umbro butt.

#5 -- The Macarena

Do I even need to say anything about this travesty of both music and loosely-termed "dance?" Between The Macarena and anything that came out of Lou Bega's mouth, this time period in pop music was really a rude ass assault on everyone's ear holes. Seeing the general public from toddlers to walker-bound elderly doing this damn dance for years on years is something that can't be unseen. I'm still not over it.

 Level of Terrible-ness: My mom singing along to Boyz II Men's hit song "I'll Make Love to You," which was one of the three cassette tapes that she owned, and forcing those awkward ass lyrics upon my pre-teen ears on every damn car trip to the grocery store.

#6 -- Pre-Flat Iron Hair Styling

Hair in the 90s was really pretty bad. Having BANGS before the new millennium was damn near impossible. My bangs would just curl up after three and a half minutes, and you could just call that sh*t a day. The other option was to curl your horrid bangs with a big curling iron, then spray the hell out of them with White Rain hairspray, leaving you with what appeared to be a Little Debbie Swiss Roll glued to your forehead. HOW DID WE LIVE BACK THEN?

 Level of Terrible-ness: I mean, look at my ass. It's all a big ol' piece of sh*t, so take your pick.

Thank you, decade of the 90s, for giving me the fortitude to make it through the tough times. I'll never forget you, mostly because you scarred me for life.

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Justin Bieber Visits Strip Club, Strippers Around The Country Collectively Quit.

No, they didn't. But they should, because that sh*t is some inhumane working conditions. The Huffington Post has pieced together a story from TMZ and The Miami New Times involving Biebs visiting a Miami strip club for about an hour and spending somewhere around $75,000. He was there celebrating someone named Lil' Scrappy's birthday. The strip club tweeted this after: "Justin Bieber just ordered 75k ones..." and also included some dumb and annoying emojis. There's also a quote from the club promoter, named Disco Rick, that is boring and adds nothing to this story.

Let's dissect all of this tom foolery, shall we?

• Don't strippers have enough bullsh*t that they have to deal with, without dealing with Bieber? I'm sure dealing with your everyday, garden-variety strip club patron is annoying enough.
• How many Lil's are there out there? These kids are like a Warner Brothers cartoon about a rag-tag gang of kittens.
• Isn't there some kind of code of ethics when it comes to nakey bars? Like, isn't it kind of like a doctor, where they shouldn't be tweeting all of your business all over the internets?
• DISCO RICK??? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? It's 2014, sir, please retire.

Speaking of retiring, I've had just about enough of this world. I just can't with you, anymore, Earth.




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How To Get Yo' (Makeup-Wearing) Mug To Last All Day

There are few things worse than spending a big ol' chunk of time on your makeup, only to discover that it was all in vain by lunch, because that sh*t is fading like a mofo. Don't let yourself me the poster child for a sad sack of a made-up face, and check out how to keep your face on your face.

All Primed Ever-y-thang

Primer is super-important when it comes to making your 'face' last into eternity. It's like the foundation...to your foundation (ugh x2). I know I have told your asses two billion times before, but using Urban Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion (urban decay, $10-$20) is a game changer when it comes to your eye makeup. It makes that gross creasing sh*t a thing of the past, all while intensifying shadows and keeping all of your eye stuffs in check. Seriously, as long as I have two pennies to rug together I WILL BUY THIS SH*T.

As far a foundation primer goes, I have had some issues with those bad boys. The only primer I have ever found to not melt right off of my insanely oily face is this one from Murad. But if you're oily-faced and ballin' on a budget, I find that applying a little pressed powder to your face pre-liquid foundation really cuts down on shine and that b*tch of an oily/blotchy/muddy mess that tends to happen to the sebum-inflicted ladies.

If you are a normal-to-dry person, goody on you. You really have your pick of primers. It's a great way to get a smooth canvas before your foundation application train starts rolling. Just skip putting it on your eyelids -- that's just asking for more creases in your eyeshadow than A.C. Slater had in his pleated Z Cavariccis.

Set It Off

If I'm looking at a long-ass day ahead of me, I know that I will be finishing my face with a setting spray. It's like a hairspray for your face, without actually using hairspray on your face. My favorite setting spray is far and away Model in a Bottle ($18-$21). I've been using this good good for what feels like forever, and it's completely mandatory for me on special occasions/hot and humid/never-ending days. I've tried other brands, but they can all take a seat, because I love this sh*t.

Lips For Days

Long wear lipsticks have come a long ass mf-ing way, you guys. Gone are the days of the chunky, gross lips of yesteryear. And I have found a couple of truly ride-or-die, crazy long-lasting lipsticks that will last forever, ever.

Kat von D makes (made?) a great, lasting lip called Everlasting Love Liquid Lipstick (one pictured is Outlaw) that I CAN'T FIND ANY-DAMN-WHERE, except for on amazon for, like, $2.5 million dollars. Here's another kitty Kat lip that seems semi-similar, but let us all wish on a Magic 8 Ball that Sephora brings the OG back.

I was sampled the hot pink goodness above that is MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Rouge in Fuchsia (Sephora, $24) a while back, and it's still a staple for me when it comes to a statement lip.

The color is really intense, and it will last a looooong ass time, from A.M. coffee times to glass whatever-your-life-is-about of wine. Or until the cows come home. I don't know how you mark your time. But, if you yearn for a NeverEnding (lip) Story, this lipstick is the one for you.

Do you guys have any tips for a long-lating face game? Spill your secrets in the comments, or forever hold your peace and be selfish.




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Vagina Armpits, As Brought To The Forefront By Jennifer Lawrence

I have a long and sordid history with vag 'pits. I lived through the early-to-mid 2000s, when you couldn't walk to the f*cking mailbox without wearing a tube top, so, of course, this is very familiar territory for me. So. Many. Skin. Folds. And thanks to J Law's unfiltered ass at the SAG Awards the other night, it looks as if all of our armpit afflictions might have a new celebrity spokesperson.

via people

I don't know if the general population has been calling excess armpit fat/skin/whatever that sh*t is by this name, or if it's just an underground movement, but I'm glad it's all out in the open. Thanks, Jennifer, once again you've saved us all with your limitless bravery.

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How To Deal With That Rude B*tch, Dry Winter Hair

You know how it goes -- your ass is strolling along the ho stroll with full-on Jhirmack, bounce back, beautiful hair when all of a sudden, bullsh*t mother nature pops up.

We see you, you showy b, with your friggin' polar vortex and your dry, cold air. And all of that hootenanny can lead straight to hell -- or dehydrated, brittle, static-filled hair. But worry not, fair maiden, there are ways to shut that sh*t down, or at least minimize the terrible-ness.

Treat Yo' Self

 
Keeping your mop moisturized is the name of the game in these tough and trying times. If you want to keep your hair game super-low maintenance,  go with a hippie-approved coconut oil treatment. I tried it for the very first time here, and I finding myself using (and recommending) this sh*t on the regular. If you want to intensify the treatment, feel free to wrap your hair up in plastic wrap and let your body heat (sultry!) do all the work.

If you are a fancy-pantsed type and want something a little more salon-y, I really love Minardi's Fortifying Pre-Wash Therapy (amazon, $38.90). I have zero idea where I got this bottle of goodness, but I'm assuming someone sent it to me to try at some point. You apply it in the same way that you would the coconut oil -- saturate your dry, unwashed hair, let that sh*t marinate for a while, then shampoo and lightly condition. I'm really into this stuff because it leaves hair as silky as Princess Jasmine's harem pants, without weighing the hair down or making it feel the least bit greasy. It's a damn dream weaver.

Do a Shampoo Switch-a-roo

 
Listen all of you beauty-survive-on-a-dime types, now is not the time to skimp on products and start using dish detergent, or whatever, to wash your mane. (Speaking of, no Mane n' Tail, either.) During harsh winter times, it's really important to not strip the sh*t out of your hair, so make sure to use a shamps that's sulfate-free and moisturizing. Better yet, now is a great time to try that whole co-washing trend.

A really great (read: affordable) cleansing conditioner I'm into for co-washing is L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Condtioner (walmart, $5.97). I feel like it actually washes my hair and doesn't leave it as limp as...never mind. (I have to draw the line somewhere.) The oily headed-terror that is my scalp doesn't allow me to use ONLY a cleansing conditioner for hair-washing purposes, so I've found that alternating days using a shampoo (to really, really clean my scalp) with days using a cleansing conditioner works best for me. But run your own scientific experiments and see what works best for your ass. It's your scalp. Do you.

The De-cling Scene

 
Even worse for your head hairs than all that outside weather madness can be that d-bag, indoor heat. That sh*t is drier than my dry ass sense of humor, and often leads to crazy, static-filled tresses. This static issue can be almost as bad as those early 90s days of terror, when you would pull on your best cotton knit turtleneck (it might have been hunter green), and suddenly be stuck looking at Young Einstein in the mirror.

Oldies, you feel me. Don't fret -- there are a few ways that you can avoid this tragic situation. First off, try using a boss ass leave-in, like It's a 10 (drugstore.com, $13.69). Once again, it adds moisture to your hair, leaving it less likely to look insane. If you're still looking dandelion-esque, you can actually rub a dryer sheet over your hair to cut that sh*t out. Worst case scenario? Pull your hair up into a top knot and call it a day.

We're all done with you, winter. Bye.




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Kris Jenner, For Ruining One Of My Favorite Songs Of All Time

My fave new rap group @nicolerichie @KrisJenner

Jan 15, 2014| Source: Keek.com

Mother of a b, Kris Jenner, is nothing sacred in this world? Never mind, I think that we already know your answer to that sh*t. Even Nicole Richie's presence in this video couldn't elevate it beyond terrible-to-quite-terrible levels, because Kris Jenner is attempting to rap one of the greatest songs of all historical times and completely effs it up. Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop" is pretty much a hymn for me, and now it's ALL JUST RUINED!

I have a rich, deep history with this song, so spin it for me one more time, Spinderella, and it goes like this: When I was in middle school, I had the CD/cassette of "Shoop," and I listened to it every damn day on my Disc/Walkman (I can't remember which of these this was...it was the early 90s) as I rode the bus on the way to school. I then started writing the lyrics to the song so I could memorize them, which I did, and I STILL KNOW ALL OF THEM TO THIS DAY. So, the moral of the story? Kris Jenner just ruined my childhood. Thanks a bunch.

No, seriously, I bought some chips today and I can't stop thinking about them. I'm going to shove all of them into my mouth hole.





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I Can't Even Think Of A Witty Headline, Because Miley Cyrus Has A Bowl Cut

To be honest, I don't even know what to say here, except that Mi Cy must be really trying to out-do her dad in the haircut department. If that's the case, homegirl is killing it. Trust me, I know that your 20s are a huge time of experimentation and finding yourself and all of that effery, but GD-it, this is one step over the line sweet Jesus.

pics via huffington post

Miley looks like she just was just rejected from guest starring on the OG version of 90210 as a new Beverly Hills High rabble rouser that's trying to get Donna to "do" pot. Or Kelly's sister that was given up for adoption, and is now back to try to take over her life and sleep with Dylan.

Miley, listen to Brenda, and get the eff out of here with that hair. You can come back when you want to be serious.






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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Unicorn Anthem Of Our Lives

Remember when I used to do that whole 'GUUUUUURL of the Day' deal? Yeah, I should probably get my sh*t together and actually try to do things that I'm supposed to do more often. Just like my middle school guidance counselor said, I should really apply myself more.

So in the spirit of getting back on (off?) the wagon, here's a video from yesteryear (2008) that I am just now discovering, even though I have a full subscription to every unicorn-related newsletter from here to eternity. I must have been too busy vajazzling in '08, causing this gem (zing!) to slip though my grubby paws.



I don't know who this delightfully bowl-cutted young man is, but I want in on this Unicorn Kingdom Club. Move, Miss Emily, get out the way. "Just close your eyes and grab onto the horn, " is a motto I can totally get behind.

video via reddit


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Ohhhh Sh*t. I've Got Some New Brow Business Up My Wizard's Sleeve.

I'm not shy about my eyebrow obsession. And for the past 9,384,032 years (I'm a vampire), I've used a brow pencil/powder/gel combo that is both fabulous and time-consuming as f*ck. But, as of last week, I MIGHT have found a product that combines all of those steps and still leaves my brows looking like a bad b*tch.

anastasia dipbrow promade in dark brown ($18 + free shipping)

Meet Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade. I kept hearing rumblings about this stuff on the interwebs, and after going to a Sephora and coming up empty handed, I just ordered that sh*t right from the Anastasia of Beverly Hills website.

It's very similar to a waterproof gel eyeliner (YOU CAN USE THIS TOM FOOLERY AS EYELINER), but also holds your brows in place like a hair pomade. It's perfect for annoyingly oily faces, like myself, or for peeps that live in a sweaty ass climate. Or for b*tches that like to have banging ass brows.

Using this stuff doesn't require a f*cking degree in aerospace, either. I went for a (kind of) natural look here, so if you want more definition on your peeps you can use more product. No biggie smalls.

For the first step, just draw a line using a thin, angled brush (a brush isn't included, so calm your tits) from the corner of your inner brow all the way to the tail, following your natural arch. In step two, follow along the top of the brow, starting a little ways back, if you want to keep it natural. If not, start at the front of that sh*t. I'm not the boss of you. For the final step, just fill in the entire eyebrow with what's left on the brush, following the direction of the hair growth. Done, b*tch. DONE.

Simple, right? So if you're into bitchin' brows with little to no hassle, ch-ch-check this pomade goodness here.



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The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...

JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY

Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.

What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).

I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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Quick Sh*t: Alexander Skarsgard Gets Sexy On a Snow Toilet

via instagram

Sexy ass Skarsgard is in the North Pole, and he's fake pooping on a toilet. I don't know the what/why's about this picture, and I really don't give an eff. Let's just enjoy this moment.

Wait. He's on a toilet, is this even hot? I'm going to go with yes, yes, it is.




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National Weather Got You Feeling The SADS? It's Time For A DANCE Break. (Jazz Hands!)

In most of the US today it's cold as a mf-ing polar bear's ween. So what will warm us up? DANCE!



Put on your best rainbow sour belt-inspired leotard, buy all the fringe that Michael's has to offer, and DANCE like it's 1982 and your leotard is too short in the stride and inhibits your posture!

But you know what? Dancing's not for everyone. Just stay well within your comfort zone.

Thanks, Snuggie, for introducing a new generation to the world of raising the roof. Now we can all look like a-holes for eternity.


video via reddit


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What's The Haps, Naked3 Palette? Plus, A Head-To-Head Smackdown Between Naked3 And the Original Naked Palette.

I finally stopped being lazy for 3.5 seconds, put my grown lady panties on, and made a video about Urban Decay's Naked3 palette. Give it a watch to see what gets me all hot and bothered (gross) about it, as well as how it stacks up against the original Naked. Now, LET'S GET NAKEY (X 3)!



By the way, here's a closer look at N3, if you're so inclined to see that sh*t up close and personal like:

You can pick up Naked3 here, or if original Naked is more your cup o' tea, check it here.



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Non-Dick Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Hudson Buys Her Assistant/BFF A House And It's Adorable

Usually I feel like this about in regards to most humans:

It's pretty universal in my world. But then J Hud, the keeper of the amazing pipes, comes along does something super sweet and selfless and makes the rest of the celebrity world look like a big old bag o' d's. As the world's best boss move she bought her assistant, and friend since elementary school, A MF-ING HOUSE for Christmas. This video is him discovering the big reveal.



Well, that is just the cutest thing I've witnessed in a hot minute. The only thing more adorable than that is (maybe) a basket of kittens.



Yeah, that's pretty damn adorable.



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How To Self Tan Like A True Boss B*tch

I have this weird ass internal struggle, man. I love OTHER people's natural skin tones, from super porcelain to deep mocha, that sh*t is straight up gorgeous. But when I'm forced upon my own sad epidermis in its untouched state (especially in photographic evidence), I'm all, "JESUS GOD I LOOK TERRIBLE. And so un-Jessica Alba glowy. What the crap am I doing with my life?" This leads me straight to the bottle...of self tanner. Probably of the sauce, too, but every day can't be my own personal friggin' therapy session.

I've been big on the self tanning scene (in my own bathroom) for well over ten years. I avoid sun exposure like the Black Plague-era peeps avoided rodents, so this has become the only solution to my self-induced dermis hate seshes. Over the past decade of (tanning) rubs, I have gotten the application of these elixirs down to an effing SCIENCE. Let me teach you the tips to achieving an even, non-sh*t faux tan, if you're into that kind of thing.

Rub-a-dub Dub

Listen, I know you've read this step roughly one trill-y times from every beauty publication from here to Venus, but it really is the basis to a solid fake tan. EXFOLIATE YOUR BODY LIKE THE SLOUGHING WILL BRING THE SECOND COMING OF RYAN GOSLING. My OG way to exfoliate is truly the most original of the gangsters in the skin cell shedding game -- a plain ass wash cloth. I have found it to be really the best in the universe. Plus, you probably already own this. If not, borrow one from your Gam Gam. But if I'm feeling lazy -- hey, it must be a day ending in 'y'!

 Sorry...using a loofah-esque exfoliating glove will also do the job. It's your world, do you.

At this point in your shower/bath/bath house/outdoor grotto, you are also going to want to shave whatever body parts that you typically shave. It will prep your skin even more, plus you don't want to shave off your fresh-to-death tan in one and a half days, or whatever.

Hydrate the Rough Stuff

After you've exfoliated yourself back to newborn status, it's time to protect the areas of your face/body that are prone to soaking up too much tanner, leaving you looking a blotchy hot ass mess. You can apply your regular facial lotion to your face, unless it has alpha hydroxy acids and such in it, which will make your tan wash right off your mug. Next, take a body lotion and moisturize all over your feet and ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and hands. Use a decent amount and don't skimp. These areas tend to be drier and rougher and the lotion will act as a semi-barrier to the tanner, keeping your ish even and looking toooight.

Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I used to skip this step, because I fancied myself a professional and thought I could handle my business. But, I have learned that using a glove or a mitt to protect your hands from that dreaded OPS (orange palm syndrome) really makes your life a hell of a lot easier. Mitts work best for mousse formulas, while gloves are better for stuff like lotions and gels. When applying the tanner, use small circles to work it in. If it also contains a bronzer, no need to call the governor if it looks streaky when you finish. As long as you're hitting all the spots, and applying evenly in circles, your actual tan should look fine.

There's another small issue you face when using tanning hand condoms -- having really pasty hands. I remedy this by taking the mitt/glove and rubbing whatever excess tanner that is remaining on the hand protection on the backs of my hands. I then rub more lotion on my hands and wrists and wash just the palms of my hands. Your extremities will keep a nice glow without screaming, "LOOK AT MY HANDS! THEY ARE FULL O' SELF TANNER! ORANGE APLENTY OVER HERE!"

What Not to Wear (and Do)

Your tan is all applied, so here comes the annoying part. Do not touch anything at all for a solid 30 minutes. NOTHING, I say, good sir. No sitting, no clothes, zero things. In fact, it's best if you can avoid clothes for an hour, really. Go ahead and book yourself an nudie vacay. When you do get dressed, wear something that is blousy and not tight. I'm talking mumu status. Wearing stuff like bras and jeans will seriously eff up your tan game. And you can forget wearing white. Or winter white. This is why most b's like to tan up at night, so you can just go the eff to sleep after half an hour or so.

As far as activities go, your ass needs to lay low for at least an hour. Don't do anything that will make you sweat or get you wet (DON'T BE SICK). If your self tanner contains a bronzer, you're safe to wash that sh*t off after four hours of lazing around and being fed grapes. You can also now wear white after your first shower, so you finally make your way to a P. Diddy white party, or whatever.

Tell him I said, "BIGGIE 4EVA."





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