YOU GUYS, the Trailer for the Anna Nicole Lifetime Movie is Here.

Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.

But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.



Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?

DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!




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Definitive Proof That Beards and Boyz II Men Make Dudes 100% Hotter

Skip to 7:10 for the good good.



I've always thought that John Krasinski (AKA Jim from The Office) was moderately hot. Like hottest guy you saw at the grocery store today hot, but not necessarily John Hamm/Alexander Skarsgard/face made of rugged angel Pegasus wings hot. That is UNTIL TODAY. Here he is on Jimmy Fallon's show lip syncing "I'll Make Love to You." (If you must.) That beard is KILLIN' IT for homeboy's face. I'm buying whatever you're selling here, Krasinski. I'll take a million of each.

Yes.

All of this.





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Dammit, Jon Hamm is Trying to Force Me to Turn On My Baby Maker.

Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.

P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.

Great, I just got flagged by the FBI.


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Beauty Sh*t I Learned From Watching This Season of Girls (Beyond Not Sticking a Q-tip In Your Ear)

I'm sad, you guys. This season of Girls is over, and that mess was my jam. And because I HAVE to talk about stuff I like here, I also found some valuable beauty lessons from watching the show this season. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or talk about whatever the eff you want. I'm not the boss of you.

Don't Cut Your Own Hair.

via elle

 And if you do, expect it to look like a recovering heroin addict shaped that ish up in the back. (Thanks, Laird.) That's not to say that a b can't trim her own bangs, or whatever. But let's get real in this mutha -- MOST people cannot duplicate a Carey Mulligan-esque haircut with scissors you stole from the UPS Store. Leave that mess to a professional, mmmmkay?

Perfect is Boring.

via hbo

Even Marnie was bored with how boringly perfect Marnie is, and at least kind of lost her ish this season. Being perfect is for the effin' birds, man. How sexy is Jessa and all of her crazy, imperfect, weirdness? I'm not saying not to be a classy, coiffed lady, if that's you. But if you're a bit of a sh*t storm -- that's cool, too. Do you, baby.
  
Even B's With Gorgeous, Kate Middleton-y Hair Can Have Crap Hair Days.

Not to keep slapping Marnie with a big bag o' d's (okay, so I kind of hate her), but her hair wasn't so Jhirmack-bouce-back-beautiful this season. And homegirl's got some banging ass hair. So whenever you're having one of those days when you wished you owned a collection of Dolly Parton's wigs, remember that everyone has those days. Then put your damn hair in a bun, or something, and move on.

Never Underestimate the Mini-Makeover.

via vulture

Seriously, how hot did Charlie get this season? He was scruffier yet more chic and tailored, and just all around sexier. It's not like he changed that much -- facial hair and better hair styling? The details make the difference. Just ask your lady business, that girl knows what's up.

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I Can't Stop Staring at Jon Hamm and All of His Dude Business.

Have you guys seen the new promo pictures for Mad Men Season 6? Those are some hot ass mofos, right? And in anticipation of the upcoming MM premiere next month, I have compiled a photo collection of the sexiest b in the group -- Jon Hamm. (Freakin' doy.) So let's explore why Hammy is so damn hot.

He's got a bangin' ass beard.

I mean, come the hell on.

He has a cute dog, whose face is adorably tiny for his body.

He has sexual corrective lenses.

Are you fuh-real with that smile? That crap could rip ladies' pant off.

He likes to keep that ish cas. (Stop trying to make cas happen.)

I'm not into the ciggie, but I'm totally into breakfast. Like, anytime.

Homeboy knows...

How to wear...

A friggin' pair of pants.

And really, is there ANYONE hotter than Don Draper???

(KIND OF) NSFW UPDATE: This is why I love my people. (Name withheld for embarrassment purposes.)

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Beauty Ish I Learned from Watching Seinfeld.

I really love Seinfeld. Even though it's so effing old at this point, I can still watch episode after episode endlessly. And I really feel like it's still relevant today, even though the show was totally and completely in the 90's.

 

Sigh. I'm an old ass b -- I'm completely aware. I've even garnered some beauty tips from watching the show, which is a completely strange occurrence. Here are some of them, gathered up and served hotter than the coffee that scalded Kramer's crotch.

Using unconventional beauty products is okay.
 


I actually use coconut oil as my body lotion every day, so I totally feel Kramer on this one. But, beware baking yourself, as he did later in the episode.

Smoking is bad as eff for your looks.



I know that my ass (face) doesn't want to look like a pruned up mofo. Don't smoke people. It's not cute.

Sometimes you need a little (artificial) beauty help.



Listen, there ain't a THANG wrong with utilizing a little fake hair. George's toupee wasn't looking all that glamorous, but do what you gotta do, guys.

Don't be afraid to work what you've got.



Errrrm, this is pretty self explanatory. WERK. THAT. ISH. Sometimes it just gets the job done.

Water pressure is really important.



Bad water pressure can totally eff up your game, man. Don't drool on me, shower, and expect me to be happy about that sh*t.

Do your asses ever pick up beauty tips from scripted TV shows? Andy Griffith or some sh*t? Share your wisdoms!


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"I Got Cramps, All Right?"

I am a slightly saavy person of the world. I'm not completely out of touch with how sh*t works, so I totally understand that things like products placements are necessary to the world of TV and movies. Get that money, boo. But take a gander at this and tell me that you don't want to simultaneously want to stab out your own eyeballs, ear holes, and maybe even uterus.



WTF, soap operas? It's not enough that you're already the worst, you have to be like, THE WORST? This sh*t made me hate having a uterus, Midol, and pink sateen, all in one swift kick to the lady flower. And apron being all inquisitive about that nonsense made it all even worse. Go eat some delicious cheese sticks in the back, or something.

If you're sick of Grumpy Cat, then you best avert your eyes. Because that b is my number one homegirl, forever and ever. We always seem to exude the same feelings from our eyes. It's the anti-smize.






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This Is in My Head 99.9999% of the Day.

Why, oh why, can't I know someone named Patrice?



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My Crusade to BFF Up Jennifer Lawrence, Part Honey Boo Boo

This isn't the first time I have realized that I am awkwardly in love with Jennifer Lawrence. This time, she tells Jay Leno how she got into a car accident because she thought she saw Honey Boo Boo.

via f*ckyeahlizlemon

Oh, how I love J Law.

P.S. Can I tell you b's something? I'm afraid I will HATE Honey Boo Boo next season. It's a big phobia for me right now. Like you know when something is awesome, and then the thing realizes it's awesome, and then it's kind of absolutely terrible? I think that's happening.

P.P.S. You know what's always kind of terrible? Jay Leno.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone In This Video

This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.

Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.

Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.

Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.

Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: That B, Sandy

Update: Sandy really is a b*tch. I hope all of the NYC-er's are safe and sound. It looks scary as hell up there! I'm thinking about you, boos.

pic via nydailynews

Hurricanes are a mutha effin' pain in the ass, aren't they? I've lived in FL my entire life, so trust, I know. And this Sandy trick is no joke. So all of you people in her path be careful, you hear me? Everytime I hear Hurricane Sandy, I picture this in my head:

For those of you that are under 30, you probably don't recognize this Sandy. This is Sandy Duncan, actress of the 80's and before, that I had always known to have a glass eye. It was a much talked about/fodder for annoying 80's comics kind of deal. WHICH I found out when researching just now (Shut up. I read ish sometimes.) ISN'T EVEN TRUE. She is blind in one eye, but that puppy is au naturale. I feel like my childhood was a lie.

I know Sandy Duncan from the show Valerie, which became the show Valorie's Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogans. Damn, that's a torrid show title history. But really, I remember the show because it starred Jason Bateman as one of the sons.

That's him, on the left.

When Jason Bateman's career had an initial resurgence a few years ago, I was like, "That's the dude from the show with the lady with the glass eye!"



Wow. The 80's were a helluva thing, weren't they?

P.S. You don't have to thank me for spending precious minutes of your life with this rambling, nonsensical mess. Sandy's (the hurricane) is a b face. I'm done.


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Okay, Okay! JLH Has a Boyfriend.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has vajazzled her way into her The Client List co-star's heart. She has apparently been getting her chitty chitty bang bang on with her kind of sleepy-looking play TV husband, Brian Hallisay, for about eight months. Go 'head, girl, get down. I'm proud of JLH. B hasn't said a PEEP about this ish, and you know she likes to talk. Maybe someone finally dropped some truth bombs on her ass.

Although I kind of wish she was getting it on with her other love interest/brother in law on the show, Colin Egglesfield.

I mean, hey there, soulja. He's hot, so he took off his shirt, but his nips were cold. Okay? Keep up the sexy, Eggs.



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NSFCHB (Not Safe for Cold Hearted B's)

This is a clip from Night of Too Many Stars, which airs on Comedy Central on Sunday, and is an Autism benefit featuring different celebrities doing stuff (I'm such a prolific writer). The video is a duet of Katy Perry and Jodi DiPiazza, who is a child with Autism, singing Firework while Jodi plays the piano. This ish is touching as hell, so don't watch it if you want to retain your b face status at work (or wherever -- I'm not up in your life like that) today. But seriously, watch it. It's sweet as a mofo.

Okay, b face reactivated.

via huffington post



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Guuuurl of the Day: J Bieb's Pants

I have to say that I have never seen an episode of Dancing with the Stars. I usually feel all, "What stars?" about it. (Yep, I'm one of THOSE a-holes.) But I am currently out of town and visiting my in-laws for the week, and they are super into the show. So I saw an episode last night, and someone (thing) totally stole the show. The Biebs was there to do a "live" performance (Ha!) and this is what he was wearing.

He looks like he re-purposed Missy Elliot's black garbage bag deal from The Rain video.

 You're going to have to come a hell of a lot more original than that ish, Justi-poo. Oh, but don't worry -- I've been getting screen grabs all morning so we can all stare right into the face of the devil's pantaloons.

Are you guys dying over this ish? A DROPPED CROTCH LEATHER PANT (OR POSSIBLE ONESIE) HAS NO PLACE ON A MAN'S (Hahaha. I couldn't even keep it together on that one.) BODY. And for that, you and your pants are the GUUUURL of the day.



P.S. Just bring your dad next time.



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There Was a 25th Anniversary Full House Reunion (AKA Damn, It Feels Old to be a Gangsta)

Well, minus the Olsen twins -- of course. (How rude!) But Kimmy Gibbler's annoying ass was there, and even Steve (Aladdin's voice dude) came. Not to mention, all the mens have matching sunglasses (cute!) except for Stamos, because that ho is waaay to hot to cover that mug.

I need Aunt Becky's anti-aging secrets, because b looks good as hell. And who would've thought that Candace Cameron would be the one to turn out to be a stone cold fox?

pics via DJ Tanner's twitter


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True Blood Musings: C'EST FINI!

Oh, there's my other boo. Where've you been, you hot Nordic piece? This is the end, kittens. Let's do this.

JUMP!

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90's Dudes Today: Boy Meets World Edition (With a Joey Lawrence Cameo)

I saw a picture of Boy Meets World's Rider Strong the other day, randomly, and found that he is now pretty sexual.

Right??? He's all facial hair-y and probably still a smug little b. So that prompted me to find the other boys from the show and see how they are looking these days.

Okay, so he still (pretty much) looks the same; like a mini Fred Savage. EXCEPT that Fred Savage starred in this little gem:

OBESSION IS DEADLY, you guys. Effing deadly. One of the top five best Lifetime Movies, trust.

So that leaves us with the older brother, that I always thought was one of the Lawrence brothers for some reason. In reality, his name is Will Friedle and here he is:

Okay, clearly not a Lawrence brother. Because THIS is what Joey Lawrence now looks like:

pic via radar online

Well hello, there. Score one for team Lawr Bro. (And Rider Strong.)



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