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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Just In Case You Need a Little Motivation to Get You Through the Rest of the Week



This could be you.




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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Nope.


I don't even want to know what kind of effery those pant are, or what sorority (my apologies, sorority people) girl you stole this whack ass pose (and pants) from, but this sh*t is damn ridiculous. There's only one thing we can do to remedy this situation.


Yep, much better.






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Monday, February 25, 2013

Dammit, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. Stop Trying to Out Cute Each Other in My Heart!



Sonofab*tch. Ryan Gosling is cuter than a friggin' panda holding a baby koala wearing a monocle and an ascot. It's almost like this sh*t can't even be real. I think that Ry Gos might be an alien/android hybrid sent from outer space to steal our hearts, and ish. I mean, a person COULDN'T be cuter than this b, like, ever. Right?



Mother effer. J Law, you are making my heart explode. Why are you so cool? I really can't even handle either of these b's. It's too much. It's making me feel an emotion, and that' sh*t's not cool with me. Oh, and reporter dude that asked about her "peaking too early?" You, sir, are a dick. Can't a b*tch have LIKE FIVE MINUTES of happiness after winning an Oscar? Rude as eff. And that's saying something, coming from my ass.

P.S. If you want to buy one of those RG dish towels, you can do so here. Fifteen dollars never spent itself so easily.

P.P.S. The interviewer in the Gosling vid is pretty cool, too. Props to her for not being a dick.



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More Random Argan Homies: Amir Leave-In Hair Treatment & Amir Touch of Tan Moisturizer

I know, I know. I can't stop talking about friggin' Argan Oil products. What can I say? I'm a big ol' bag of a-holes. But you guys, Argan is the good good. And I keep finding bomb-ass (shout out to '01) products that feature it. IT'S NOT MY FAULT, MAN.


First up is Amir Argan Oil Leave-In Hair Treatment. What I really love about this stuff is that it's lightweight. It's thinner than others I've used, so you can totally use it with a million other styling products without issue. And heeelllooo there pump, so glad you're here. The pump makes it a bajillion times easier to dispense than a lame-ass pour yourself deal, and you don't have to worry about taking too much oily goodness with each use. I mean, what am I, a damn peasant? PUMPS FOR ALL! Scizzzore to the peeps that decided on that little feature.


Now to my favorite Amir homie, the Agran Oil Touch of Tan Moisturizer. Let me tell you 'bout my best friend, here. It contains not only Argan Oil (duh) and Acai Berry, but a little bit of self tanner to give your skin a nice glow. I LOVE THIS ISH. It's not TOO tan-y, and it smells like a mother effing dream. A dream, I tell you. There is not a hint of that gross ass self tanner bleeeeh smell. It's lovely.

And here's a cool little tidbit. You can go to Amir's Facebook page and get a damn FREE sample of their Argan Oil Moisturizer. Yeaaaas, b. Yes. These are salon-sold professional products, so prices will vary according to where you buy them. If you want to find your closest retailer, you can call 1.800.386.2826 for the deets. (Or, if you want to be a hooligan, you can probs pick them up on Amazon. Rule-breaking badass.)



But you'll NEVER be on Latarian's level, so you better just quit while you're ahead.




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Friday, February 22, 2013

What Kind of Effery is Anne Hathaway Wearing on Her Dome Area???

Listen. I know that there is a large(ish) group of mofo's that straight hate Anne Hathaway. I am not one of those people, I think that she's just fine -- in general. But this...

pics via daily mail
I can't go for that sh*t. Homegirl looks half a grandma, half a turrible craft project gone awry. And this hat is CLEARLY her straight jam right now, because she's wearing this mess multiple times. Annie Boo Boo, whaddup? It's not protecting your lovely porcelain skin from ish, and crap's making your hair look super wig-like underneath. Believe it or not, no matter my pro-fake hair stance, that is NOT complementary. And don't you b's even start telling me that this glorified Gam Gam's upside down hanging flower pot rip off is haute couture, or whatever. I don't give a damn. It's gross.


Not doing this sh*t with you, Hatha-path. Take it off. (And let me burn it.) It's for the good of humanity.







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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, we discuss Things You Should Be Doing Instead of Watching That Harlem Shake Video: Annoying Beauty Stuff You Really Shouldn't Skip. Go check that ish out -- sh*t's mandatory.




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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Why I'm Trash, I've Always Been Trash, And The Saddest Part Is That I Know: Perfume Edition



I really just wanted an excuse to loosely quote this skit from Jennifer Lawrence on SNL, because I feel like this character is my soul twin, and I need to go get an application from this fictional diner. It's the only career success that I could ever hope to have.

pink sugar perfume (sephora, $20-$60)
But here's the real reason that I'm trash. I love Aquolina's Pink Sugar perfume. Now, I'm not saying that this perfume is inherently trashy, but it's also loved by my favorite teenaged hot ass mess, Courtney Stodden.

Sh*t smells like straight up cotton candy, which is probably not ENTIRELY appropriate for a person in their 30's, AKA me. Unless you operate a cotton candy machine, then it's totally appropriate. And, also, I want your job. But if you love to smell like sweetness and sugar, then this ish is totally up your alley, and that alley leads straight to Candy Land. If musky musk is more your deal, than I suggest you pass go, and try Monopoly-inspired fragrances, if that exists. I hope it does. And I hope it smells like monocles.





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Monday, February 18, 2013

Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"



Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny
Everything.





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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hair Homies: Serge Normant Meta Silk Shampoo & Meta Velour Conditioner

serge normant meta silk shampoo & meta velour conditioner, $24 each
Soooo, here's the realio dealio happening in my (hair) life. Remember when I did that whole red thing? Well, I got over that sh*t, like I do, and I had to get rid of it. So when I went to my amazing ass hair stylist, she had to strip my hair, and then promptly made me swear on that book of hair color Barbie hair samples that I would never use boxed hair dye again. Needless to say, I kind of effed up my hurrs. So when the peeps at Serge Normant sent me over some sample-age of the Meta Silk Shampoo and Meta Velour Conditioner to try, it was perfect timing. I had to get my haircare game SERIOUSLY on point, or I would be on the express bus to bald lady town.

Luckily for me, this stuff is the sauce. The first time I used this combo, my hair felt super silky and moisturized, but not greasy or heavy. Which is big for me, because as a fine-haired lady, that ish happens A LOT. These products are straight up luxurious -- thick and creamy (no comment) and make you feel like you should be wearing some fancy ass diamond cocktail ring while using them. And you shouldn't expect any less. The brain behind the line is hairdresser to stars like Julia Roberts, SJP, and Blake Lively. This ish makes me feel like I have a trust fund.


Get fancy on yo' own ass, and shop for yourself here.





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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram
I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.


I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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What's the Deal With Those Beauty Boxes, Anyway? (ft. beauty box five)



AKA Whaddup, beauty boxes? Do you know how hard it was for me to not make crude jokes in this b? I deserve an award, or something. Okay, enough -- let's take a tour.

Find out more about this good good here.




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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Guess Who's Wearing Underwear That Require a Battery Pack?

pic via buzzfeed
Psshhhh. As if there was a question in your mind/heart/loins. It's my homegirl, C. Stodd, OBVIOUSLY. She chose this elegant ensemble (that's pronounced on-som-blay if you're fancy, like me and Stodd) for the release party of her new single, Reality. If you have a strong stomach and constitution, go over to Buzzfeed and see the pics of Hot Stoddy and her dad interacting. It's, errm, uncomfortable (un-comfor-ta-blay). And while you're into the whole clicking deal, please go watch Court's new music video for Reality over at eonline. Yep, that's exactly how I saw all of that playing out. Yeeeep.


Let's get a little good juju going (or eat some Jujubes, if you want) after all of that.



I think we all needed that.






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It's a Cheap Nudie Show! (For Lips, You Pervs.)

I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.

WHAT THE WHAT?
I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.

Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.


This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from drugstore.com, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:
drugstore.com, $7.99
Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!


Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.

P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?




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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed
You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.


More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.


And some wine. Lots of wine.



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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote



This week for Allure, I explore dude beauty routines, and how we can derive our own tips from them. At least you're good for something, guys. I kid, I kid. Go check it out here.



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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One Broke Girl: Beauty Treatments You Can Do on The Cheap

Listen, people. Times are mutha effin' tough in this b*tch. Sometimes you are on an all-ramen-all-the-time diet, but you still want to:
via nbcparksandrec tumblr
It's only natural. Just because you have roughly two dimes to rub together doesn't mean that you have to shun beauty treatments completely. I've rounded up a few ways that you can still get super grown and sexy, without the extra cash flow.

All Coconut Oil Errthang



I made a tutorial on coconut oil hair masks like a million years ago, and I've learned a few things since then. First off, you don't need to heat that mess up. It's a solid at most room temperatures, and liquifies with heat. There's no need to get out an effin' blow torch, or anything, just scoop the ish into your hands, rub them together a little, and apply it to your dry hair. The rest of the video is still as valid as any other crap that I throw together.

The next part of my coconut oil infogasm is that you can use it for about a billion things. I now also use it for my reg body moisturizer. I also use it to pop popcorn. These two items are completely unrelated. I'm not use how much a jar is, maybe $5 to $10, but that mess lasts forever. Invest. Save your damn pennies.

 St. Ives Apricot Scrub -- But Not For Your Mug

target, $2.99
I know, you used the hell out of this sh*t in middle school. And you might even still use it on your face. If you do, stop that immediately. It will eff up the collagen in you face, because it's just too rough for your face's delicate constitution. BUT it's great for a body scrub, especially if you are a victim of the dreaded backne. And it's so cheap. Get it on BOGO somewhere, and you're set for years. If you want to make it a little more moisturizing, just add a little swig of olive oil.

Homemade Aspirin/Lemon Juice Mask

If you need a little exfoliation for cheap/free if you've got this stuff, I've got the mask for you. This is from the Dr. Oz show, and you know that homeboy knows his stuff. It's based on aspirin, which contains salicylic acid, and lemon, which has a fat ass amount of vitamin c. Both of these things are great for the el skino.

Ingredients:
- non-coated aspirin
- lemon juice
- baking soda

Instructions:
1. Crush up 6-12 non-coated aspirins and combine with freshly squeezed lemon juice.
2. Let the aspirin dissolve until it turns into a paste.
3. Apply the mask to your skin and leave it on for 10 minutes.
4. Remove the face mask by dipping a cotton round in some baking soda and some water.

WARNING: So I just tried this sh*t, and it works just fine, but when I went to remove it with the cotton round with water and baking soda, it burned my skin like a cray cray banana hammock. So, I recommend skipping that part, and just rinsing with water, unless your skin is made from impenetrable steel, or something.

Okay, cheap asses/fellow poor peeps, it's like we're a broke ass beauty parlor up in here! You don't have to look raggedy and crazy, just because we aren't bazillionaires.


Do you guys have any cheap beauty tricks? Share with all of us other poor unfortunate souls!





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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)



This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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