Quick Sh*t: The Most Riveting Movie Scene, Ever.

Don't ask me one detail about this fantastic scene, because I don't know a damn thing about it. Except that it is mf-ing magnificent. And that dude that leaves the room at the beginning has the loudest footsteps in the universe. I really wish that bifocals had divulged why he needed said cash flow, but alas, he was super evasive. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy this production. And then watch it again.

I have to go because I need to say, "Bloody!" to people and hang up on their asses immediately. Also, "yes, I'm not," is the best non-committal answer I've ever encountered. Yes, I'm not seeing you guys tomorrow.






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YOU GUYS, the Trailer for the Anna Nicole Lifetime Movie is Here.

Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.

But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.



Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?

DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



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It's Almost Time for The Great Gatsby, So Get Daisy Buchanan-esqued All Up on Your Grill.

I friggin' love The Great Gatsby, you guys. After I saw the initial trailer in December, I was thisclose to cutting my hair into a blonde pageboy. Sh*t is hot. But instead, I made a makeup tutorial so you can get Daisy Buchanan's face on yo' face.



I used products sent to me from the peeps at Beauty Store Depot, which you can find here: gloMinerals Alloy Eye Collection and gloMinerals Precise Micro Eyeliner in Black.

This is the gorgeous-ass picture I  used as an inspiration for the tutorial. DOES THIS NOT MAKE YOU EXCITED, PEOPLE?!? And because you might be a crazy person that hasn't seen The Great Gatsby Trailer, here it is. You are welcome.

Now, we party -- Gatsby style.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story

I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.

Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)

via buzzfeed

I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.

Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Atreyu From The Neverending Story All Growed Up

pic via buzzfeed

You w's know that The Neverending Story is my perpetual jam. So I'm going to make this little ditty fast, because I went to a spin class (Shut up, I do stuff sometimes.) and I have actually take a shower. Being a grown up can suck it, seriously. Anyway, the cat with the chunky highlight and the gun show is (kind of) current day kid that played Atreyu TNS. Yep. There he is. Mmmmkay.

In other news, I hope he got to keep that sweet, sweet snake pendant necklace. I've been trying to buy one like that for like 20 years. And you know he kept that tunic and still wears it. I can see it in his arched eyebrow.



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Happy Halloween, Eyeballs!

I've kind of got a thing for Alfred Hitchcock. No, not a sexual thing, weridos. And no, not because his last name is awesome. I remember seeing Dial 'M' for Murder when I was a kid and thinking it was all kinds of badass. So I'm super excited about the upcoming movie Hitchcock, detailing the making of Psycho. The only negative about this whole deal is that it makes me want to watch Psycho, and that ish isn't on Netflix. Which is just effing rude, and makes me want to flick Netflix in the armpit. ( I don't even know what that means.)

But speaking of scary mess, have you guys seen the pictures of the skeleton formerly know as Matthew McConaughey?

pic via daily mail

I know that this nonsense is for a movie role, but holy damn. This is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I'm assuming that the people he is walking with are his parents, and they came to see him because they are concerned for his ass. Look past his mom's glamorous metallic leather jacket and at her expression. B is horrified. I'll pour out a little of my milkshake for my skinny homie later.

Will you guys be into watching Hitchcock? Are you afraid by MMc's ass right now?


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And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



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Barely Still Timely Videos: Evil Queen Makeup Tutorial

Seriously, don't watch this. It's not good. But if you insist, it's a tutorial to get the look from Snow White and the Huntsman's evil Queen character as played by Charlize Theron. (Except obvs not as good. I'm not a unicorn.)

Here's the inspiration, bee-tee-dubs:

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Things I Learned by Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in the Grocery Store Today

Pic via Twitter

V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.

So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:

- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)

- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)

- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)

- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)

- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)

Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.

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Hunger Games Makeup Tutorial!

Here's the picture I used for reference:

Everybody try it! Go Hunger Games!!!! TWEEEE!


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So You Know You're at a Dr. Suess Movie Premiere, Right?

Well lookie here, butter beans. Zac Efron dropped a gold wrapped condom at The Lorax movie premiere. WHICH IS AN ANIMATED CHILDREN'S MOVIE. I have several thoughts on this:

1. A gold wrapper usually means it is a Magnum size. (Don't pretend you w's don't know what that    means. We're all trash here.) Yeah, no.

2. SOME PEOPLE (ahem, me) think that ol' Zacy poo *allegedly* wanted to use said condom for random hook ups with random hot men that might be attending The Zorax premiere (????).

3. SOME PEOPLE (side eye) think that the only other possibility is that Zac wanted to make balloon animals for orphans attending the movie. (Zac's PR people are feverishly typing excuse emails containing this explanation. You're welcome, b's!)

4. Last possibility: That cold hearted minxy snake Taylor Swift planted that mess in her co-stars pocket. Don't let her new bangs fool you. I see you, Swift.



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I'm Not Young, and I'm Hardly Adult...But I'm So Pumped Over 'Hunger Games'!

This is completely unrelated, but the title of this post forced my brain to go here...



Don't act like your grown ass didn't just sit here and watch that entire video. And don't act like Britney wasn't super hot then! Blerg!

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Are you guys into The Hunger Games? Or you all, "Hello...That's a Young Adult series, and I am grown and sexy!" (P.S. If you really did just think that, Mom, stop reading this blog and go back to reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) If you aren't on the H.G. train yet, you better hop the hell on, b! The movie of the first book comes out in March, and the buzz keeps building. Adding to the fabulousity is the newly created Capitol Couture site, which shows off the hottest H.G. fashions, starting with ol' Effie Trinket. (Duh.)

Ugh! How much are you dying right now??? Hopefully we will get more sneak peeks as we get closer to the release of the movie. But now, I have to go powder my face (literally) and get a pink wig. (Yay for two semi-Britney Spears references in one completely unrelated post!)


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This Looks Horrible...(ly Awesome)!

Remember when Rob Lowe showed up a couple of months ago with that terrible blonde(ish) hair?

This is his finished product for Lifetime for the biopic of that creepy Drew Peterson dude. Listen, Rob Lowe is saying "bitch." I'm down!

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This Already Looks Super Sexual

This is the first picture leaked from the production of The Great Gatsby, which comes out NEXT holiday season. Arg! I don't want to wait that long! I love this time period, it's so freaking sexy. I mean look at those finger waves that Gemma Ward is rocking! If that isn't hotness, I don't know what is. Plus, "The Great Gatsby" is one of my favorite books. Shut up, I read! East Egg, West Egg, I love eggs!

Are you guy excited about this movie? What time period do you wish you lived in?

EDIT: Just Jared posted more pictures. Here's one of Leo, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan. Click here to see more from the set!

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