Quick Sh*t: Happy Labor Day, B*tch.

via reddit

Sookie Stackhouse (street name Anna Paquin, if you're stupid Blah-ll) and I have the same affliction -- Bitchy Resting Face. People are always asking what the eff is wrong with me, and I'm all, "Ummm, what? I was thinking about kittens." It's hard out there for a b*tch (face).

Happy Labor Day, mofos.

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Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.

Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs

Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)

This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.

Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow

Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey

OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.

What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



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Yo! Let Me Solve Your Problems.

Remember when I asked you guys for your beauty problems? Well, it wasn't because I'm a nosy ass b. I'm solving your issues, in a new segment I'm calling "Problem Solvers!" Watch and see hilarity not ensue.

And keep telling me all of your problems!


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Thank You, Fun Ruiners of the World, for Ruining Everything I've Ever Loved.

There are very few things that I really, truly adore in life. And over the past few days, TWO of those things have been completely ruined for me.

via buzzfeed

 This b*tch. I have always wanted an eyepatch. Not out of necessity, born through terrible tragedy or anything, but just to wear. Kind of like when you're a kid, and you straighten out a paper clip to pretend like it's a retainer. (Why in weird kid brains did we do that crap?) So like that, but I'm in my thirties, and still pretending weird nonsense.

UNTIL I see Scott Disick, who is Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend, if you are blissfully unaware (oh, how I envy you), wearing a MOTHER EFFIN' EMBROIDERED EYEPATCH. Can I have nothing in life that is important to me? Now I will NEVER be able to stroll along a wandering boulevard wearing my bedazzled eyepatch and jauntily swinging a cane that has a silver skull/bird's head/something else I haven't even thought of yet. Because every schmoe that passes will be thinking, "Oh, will you look at at pathetic b. She's totally pulling a Disick. What's next? Suede loafers on the beach?" When in the past they would have thought, "Cool eyepatch."

But the fun ruining horrors do not end there. Even KOALAS ARE NOT SACRED IN THIS WORLD.

via reddit

This is a web posting from a man trying to sell his koala bear. Which sounds amazing, because I love koala bears more than 99% of humans. Until you read the "bad" list of things about said koala bear. He raped and murdered a cat?!? He likes Vin Diesel movies?!? He puts shiny things in dog's asses?!? He's a racist?!? Between this and the crazy koala mask, I feel like all of my dreams and aspirations have been crushed. Never will a koala and I frolic on the beach together at sunset, while we spin around together in slow motion, because apparently he will attempt murder on my literal ass.

Does anyone want to ruin anything else for me? Is Ryan Reynold not hot anymore? Is wine not delicious now? I give up.

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TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.

via gooodforyouu

Do you have so kind of crazy/non-crazy/weird/boring beauty problem? I want to try to solve that mess for you. Let me be your Bounty-quicker-picker-upper to your beauty spill. I'ma twerk it for you.

Either comment on this post, Facebook me, Tweet me, or email me (shannon@glossanddirt.com). I've got your back, boo.



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Dammit! Snooki Ruins Everything for My Ass.

Last week, I told you guys about my desire to have red hair, and whether or not I should try. Most of you told me I should, and I was about 90% sure that I was going to go for it. Until I saw this.

Mutha effin' Snooki dyed her hair red yesterday. I CANNOT follow in Snooki's footsteps. I've already changed a lot about myself after Snooki came onto the scene. Here I am in October of 2009.

Jersey Shore premiered in December of 2009.

So in response, I WAAAY toned down my self tanning and stopped dying my hair black. I have been trying to avoid the comparisons between the two or us. We're both short, and the similarities were just too strong for my ass. I thought I was in the clear, until this mess yesterday. DAMMIT, SNOOKI!

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Am I Losing My Heart of Coal? -- Lindsay Lohan Edition

A weird thing happened to me today. I was reading about the latest Lindsay Lohan drama, and I noticed something. I felt a twinge of...sadness for her. I mean let's be real, we've all been done with this b for a while now, right? So it prompted me to create The Lindsay Lohan Chart of Feelings.

 Am I crazy, you guys? If I'm losing my c face, I don't even know how I'll live.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Amanda Bynes Edition

pics via Buzz Feed

This person is ALLEGEDLY Amanda Bynes. But I hope somebody's birth certificate was stolen, or something, because this is freaking me the eff out. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE. Boo boo is looking hella disoriented, skinny as a mofo, and in danger of having extreme follicular damage to that rug if some V05 Hot Oil doesn't jump up on that scalp real quick. Let it holler at you, girl. Let it holler. Not to mention, she's rocking the hell out of a SCRUNCHIE. There's no need for anymore exhibits; case closed. Seriously, tweet me if you need a place to rest your weary head, sweetness. Let's reboot.

And that's why Amanda Bynes gets the GUUUUUURL of the day.



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Randy Travis Got Busted for Getting Crunk and Driving While...

pic via E! News

NAKEY! I normally wouldn't even write about a country singer, just because it's not really my deal at the moment, but B WAS NAKED AND CRASHED HIS CAR. How does that happen? But he apparently was wearing a hat, because the picture above is ol' Ran Ran leaving the slammer in some papery scrub deals, barefoot, and WEARING A HAT. You would think that one would at least throw a thong on before climbing behind the wheel. Damn, I'll have what he's having. ALLEGEDLY.

P.S. If he was drinking Arbor Mist, I can die a happy woman.




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Look Awake, Even When You're Sleepy as Eff

I'm tired lately, you guys. I don't really know what my deal is, but I just want to curl up on the back fur of this guy and sleep for days.

My dark circles look like I could be an unfortunate extra on The Walking Dead. (I've only seen that show like once, but I'm sure those b's aren't exactly looking fresh as a daisy.) But luckily, I have a little secret weapon in my makeup arsenal that keeps me looking (somewhat) normal.

Ride or Sleepy Die

I have not made it a secret of the fact that I am not the biggest fan of bareMinerals, but this ish is the exception. This is Well Rested. It's the perfect little pick-me-up for dark under eyes, and it doesn't get crazy looking after a couple of hours of wear, like a lot of concealers tend to do. (On my oily-ass anyway.)

I apply it with my concealer brush, and I instantly look 8% better. Now to work on the rest of the mess of my face...


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4 Tips for Avoiding Makeup Meltdown (Keep Your Dang Face On!)

Let's be real. It's (or about to be) hot as ish outside. And hot, sweaty weather is the kryptonite to a hot makeup jobby job. But don't freak, there are some tips you can take to keep your face in place as much as possible, even when the temps are a b.

1. Prime Your Ish -- Take a step in the right direction by starting off your makeup routine with a primer. There are a ton of great ones to choose from like Laura Mercier's Radiance Primer or Smashbox Photo Finish Primer if your skin is normal. (P.S. Lucky you on that ish.) 

 If you're an oily beast like myself, I have another suggestion. This is how I "prime" before I apply liquid foundation.

MAC Studio Fix Powder Plus Foundation

This is technically a foundation in and of itself, but I'm ridiculous, so I use it before using my FOUNDATION foundation. It helps sop up some of the massive amounts of oil pouring forth from my pores.

2. Switch From Cream to Powder -- L.L. Cream Blush. (Sorry LL Cool J. I still love  you.) But when it's crazy steamy outside, it's time to switch to powder. Make it stay with a ride or die ingredient amazonian clay, like in Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush. It is claimed that the blush lasts 12 hours (which it doesn't on me), but it does last longer than any other blush I have used.

3. Waterproof it Up -- On the sweatiest of the sweaty days, or in crazy workout sessions, regular mascara might not cut it. Nothing's grosser than having the freaking mascara marks all over your upper eyelids. Not cute. In those extreme situations, only waterproof mascara will work. My favorite?

Lancome Hypnose Waterproof Mascara

BUT, word to your moms, don't use it every day. Waterproof mascara is drying to your lashes, so don't be an over-the-top b with this mess.

4. Spray It -- Use a setting spray as your last step in your makeup routine. It will help seal everything together and keep it TIGHT! It's like a hairspray for your face. There are a ton to choose from, including Urban Decay's All Nighter and MAC Fix +. But my favorite is one that I have been using for like six years.

Model in a Bottle Setting Spray

You can only buy it online, so get on it.

You are all set! (Get it? Har har.) Bring on the heat, b's. You got this ish.





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How to Not Look so Makeup-y (Even if You Have a Crap Load on)

Get rid of that dreaded "makeup 'stache." (I don't think it really has a name, but it does for me!)


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I Don't Know Much, But I Have Friends That Do: Skin Care Edition

One of my homeslices, Ginger Francis, is a bad ass medical aesthetician, so I called that b yesterday to get some tips on keeping your skin on point. And trust, I need all the help I can get. I have had skin issues for almost 20 years. I had horrible cystic acne in my teens, which has translated to occasional adult acne and scarring. Fun! It's a hot mess. So I got her to answer my biggest questions about aging, acne, and her favorite skin care products.

I first asked her what most people don't know about skin, and skin care. She says that your dead skin cells will just keep building up over time, making your skin dull and blah, if you don't do something about it. So exfoliation is very important, and you need to do it regularly. Think of exfoliation like it's working out, and think of the products that you use as your diet. You don't do 10 crunches, eat one salad, and have a six pack. You have to maintain that ish! Her best regimen recommendation for aging is: cleanser, toner (if you're oily), a vitamin c treatment, and some kind of retinol (like Retin-A). Retinols help to get rid of those old, ugly skin cells.

She says that vitamin c will brighten the skin, and give a youthful glow. Sounds good, right? My old a needs all the youth I can get. Here's her pick for a vitamin c treatment.

Obagi Professional-C Serum

Here's the cheap pick that I use. Don't ask me if it works. Hell if I know, but it's silky and not oily!

Avalon Organics Vitamin C Serum

Ginger also recommends using Retin-A daily. She says it's the most prescribed product/drug (whatever the hell you want to classify it as) for wrinkles AND acne. I have recently started back on the Retin-A train, although I have only been doing every other night in order to avoid peeling. (Ginger said I'm a baby and I should use it every night. Whatevs. )

On the nights that I don't use Retin-A, I've been using this retinol product from Neutrogena.

Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Serum

I've only been using it a couple of weeks, so we'll see if this is the business like I've been hearing for the past couple of months or not. But it's less than $20, and it's not oily, so I'm in for now.

Ginger says the one must-have for anti-aging is sunscreen, hands down. She says even if you are exfoliating and all that jazz, you will just keep damaging skin cells without sunscreen. Her favorite is ClearChoice Sport Shield Anti-Aging SPF 45 Sunscreen.

So how about all of the mess that we do wrong??? First off, stop using a wash cloth on your face. It's too harsh and can break down collagen. And be careful with waxing your eyebrows! Pulling on the skin can damage it, as well. Try threading for more of a gentle hair removal technique. 

If acne is an issue, Ginger recommends keep your routine simple; don't change products constantly, it can just inflame the skin even more. And most importantly, keep your hands OFF your face! As far as products go, she likes the Obagi Clenziderm Pore Therapy for oily skin, and the Obagi Clenziderm Therapeutic Lotion for dry skin.

And her favorite drugstore skin care product? She swears by Palmer's Skin Success Complexion Soap.

She hoards it, so go buy some before she buys every bar in existence!

Wow, that's a lot of information. I don't know that my tiny little brain can hardly handle it all. Do you guys have any specific skin care questions? I don't know much, but I can call people. I'm talented that way.

Now let's all get glowy together! (Or as much as my terrible skin will allow...)

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Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?



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J Love Needs Better Friends

How much do you love (no pun intended) this pic, BT-dubs? Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt. I really feel for this b. I was reading this article over at X17 in which she talks about how she has a big crush on Adam Levine, and how he hasn't reached out to her to even thank her for airing said crush. And also how she @ tweeted Joe Jonas and told him to have a Happy Easter and to watch her show. What the what?

Giiiirl, do you not have any friends? You have been suffering from a case of the 'try too hards' for years now, J Love. You seem to be a very nice girl, but it's WAY. TOO. MUCH. The constantly talking about who you like, the vajazzling thing...Please stop. You are almost entering Courtney Stodden levels of attention-demanding stunts. I just can't with you anymore.

I want to make you a nice pot of chamomile tea, and have a little sit down like we're starring in a Summer's Eve commercial. "It's time to stop with this nonsense, honey." I'll say while I pat your hand. "Remember those pictures of you in the bikini playing tennis?" I'll gently remind her, while I pull out this picture, marked 'Exhibit 1B'.

"No one wears espadrilles while playing sports. Not even an OC Housewive." Then I'll hand her a guest Snuggie and we will watch The Client List (OG tv movie, not the show) together.

Call me, J Love.

Stop tweeting Jonas brothers, please.

Update :
I just found this JLH quote from US Weekly - "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck... Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"

Ugh.

P.S. I'm going to buy vanilla extract. I hate myself.



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Forget About the Foreclosure, What the Eff is Up With Your Eyebrow Game?

Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.

Let's see with RHOA's Dwight has to say:

 

That b's word is final.

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I Finally Found Something to Sop Up This Oily A** Mess!

Have I mentioned that I'm oily? Okay, I always harp on this ish. I have real problems, y'all. ISSUES. I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I try to do a 'bun day' with dirty hair, it's not happening. It looks like I put surfboard wax or some mess in my hair. It's pretty effin' gross. In an effort to not wash my hair errr day, I have tried a plethora of dry shampoos. They usually suck.

Having dark hair, it's kind of hard to find a great dry shampoo that doesn't make you look like you are trying to look like an English judge in a powdered wig. (Which is pretty sexual, Bee Tee Dubs.) I've found that most of the time, spray dry shampoos do nothing on my hair, and powders make me look insane.

So I had not high hopes for my latest conquest:

This is No Drought by Lush. It costs about $13. If you aren't familiar with this place, it's that store in the mall that has a bunch of soaps in it, and you can smell a mile away. Stronger than Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Ish is strong.

And here's what it looks like out of the package:

To apply it, you can either squirt the mess directly in your hair, or squirt it on your hand and rub through your hair. It's messy as hell, I'm not going to lie. But it's just as cray if you use baby powder or whatever. Unlike baby powder, it doesn't smell like a baby's butt. It smells like lemons. (Which I prefer to diaper scent, personally.) And unlike baby powder, I don't find it to make it look like I have gray hair, as long as I brush my hair out.

With the assistance of this stuff, I can actually, on occasion, wear my hair down the day after shampoo. A couple of times I have even gone THREE DAYS. (Hair up, natch.) Call the Vatican, I'm pretty sure that qualifies for a miracle.

I'm into it.  (Duh.) Let me know if you guys have a favorite dry shamps that I don't even know about. Sharing is caring! I won't ask you b's how long you go without washing your hair, because I wouldn't drop dead with jealousy of your dirtiness. LAZINESS 4 EVA!

You still got it, Marky Mark.



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She's Baaaack

Pic via US Weekly

Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!

I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.

Keep it together, Lindz.

Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!

P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?




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Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)

- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)

- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)

- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)

- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!

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