Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I Can't Wait to See This Sh*t: American Hustle Trailer

So, this movie is the reason that the balls of our eyes were treated to Bradley Cooper looking like this. It's also why we saw Christian Bale looking like a true beautiful vision, here:


Calm your nethers, ladies, that ascot is not real life. Plus, there's a lot more sexual glamor where this came from, because American Hustle takes place in the polyester playground of the 70's. Let's watch.

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The awkwardness of Amy Adams of doing that ass shake walk ALONE is reason enough to want to watch this sh*t. Not to mention my girl J Law is looking like a disco-y, slutty, earring model. AND Bradley Cooper has been permed within and effin' inch of his life. SOLD.


Are you guys into this? Or am I the lone wolf watching the sex storm?



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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Deal O' The Day: Me & The Girls Beneficial Organic Beauty

I recently made a little demo video for the Bar Beleza from me & the girls, who also make my favorite lip treatment.



It's a pretty badass multi-use facial bar, and would be friggin' perfect for those of you who are low maintenance, normal to dry, or love natural products. Here are the ingredients, which are also 99% organic:

Theobroma Grandiflorum (Cupuacu Seed Butter)*, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa Butter)*, Calophyllum Inophyllum (Tamanu Oil)*, Organic Cocos Nucifera (Virgin Coconut Oil)*, Vitamin E - Tocopherol

You can normally snatch this mofo up for $40.


BUT TODAY ONLY (I'm pretending I'm in a local car commercial. Just let my ass.) you can use the coupon code JULY50 to get A 50% DISCOUNT. ON EFFIN ANYTHING. So go save that money, honey.


TODAY ONLY. TODAY. TODA. TOD. TO. T. Okay, I'm done. And I ran out of letters.





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Monday, July 29, 2013

True Blood Musings: I Get So Emotional, Baby


Is there anything better than when Eric gets all maternal and sh*t?



Let's break it all down to vampire town after the jump.

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Most Elegant Moments in Maury History.

Or at least ones that I could readily find on the interwebs. I think that we can all agree that Maury is a national treasure. I don't watch it anymore (I used to DVR that sh*t every damn day), but I have super fond memories of all of the nonsensical madness I've seen on that show over the years. And it should be celebrated, so I am.


The saddest part of this effery is that I remember 99% of these moments. One of my favorite types of Maury eps are the ones that feature people's fears.

I remember this b was freaked out about how cotton balls squeaked. Naturally, they were forced to bring out the cotton ball man. Although, I'm pretty sure this is a Easter Bunny rental suit.


This one was clearly from a paternity test show. SIR, COME THE EFF ON.


Yep, totally watched this one. Dammit, Tom gets blamed for all the world's problems in this b*tch.


I remember this one, too. Dude was totally cheating will a lady whose teeth just fell the eff out at random. ARE THERE NO OTHER PARTNER OPTIONS? Bonus points for liquid liner brow execution.


File this one under "Who could resist that hair flip/eye roll" category.


Hooo boyah.


Listen, if you mom is the pinnacle of feminine beauty and youth like this young lady, you better just keep her away from your rugged cowboy man.


 Is that still cheating? Is the dog hot?


He must moisturize.


How could you NOT sleep with this man with that sexy ass hair helmet waving itself in your face? It shouldn't even count.


This dude was on one of those "controlling husbands" shows, and he became one of my favorite/worst things that's ever happened to me.


I mean, just look in his eyes. Stare into his mustache. I'm obsessed with him.


HE BIT HER F*CKING FINGER BECAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY HIS BOLOGNA SANDWICHES. I couldn't even make up a better story than this. It's the best caption that has ever captioned anything. But trust, homeboy was a major dick.


Well, that's it, mofos. But don't worry, we still have so much to look forward to on upcoming Maury shows.


Pssssh. Who hasn't?


Edit: HOW COULD I FORGET THE CHICKEN TETRAZZINI EPISODE?



Edit #2: What the eff is Chicken Tetrazzini?





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
 This week for Allure, it's all about not looking scary as hell with Beauty Tips to Stop You From Saying, "No, I'm Not a Zombie." If you wish, check that ish out here.




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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

True Blood Musings: It's About to Be War


Last time we saw Sookie, she looked like this. WHAT HAPPENED??? DID SHE PASS ON FOREVA AND EVA???

Jump, and we'll talk about this mess.


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THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE, So Let's Use Baby Products to Look Hot.

Hey, guys. Have you heard? THE ROYAL BABY WAS BORN YESTERDAY. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.


I mean, yaaaayyy, and everything, but what it really got me thinking...


"If babies are born, and you have to buy a lot of sh*t for them, can you then use that sh*t for beauty purposes?" - Low Rent Carrie Bradshaw


johnson's baby shampoo, $3.99 at target
Baby shampoo is kind of a boss b*tch, yo. You can use it for a ton of things. My favorite use is for cleaning makeup brushes. Because, well, those sh*ts are made from animal hair...and this is a shampoo. It's gentle, so it won't eff up your brushes, but it will still remove gross oils and makeup gunk.

Bonus: Another great use for this mess is an alternative to shaving cream, which I personally hate. Because baby shampoo is so mild, it won't strip or irritate your skin, and it provides lots of glide (heh) for the razor.

johnson's baby powder, $2.44 at target
Baby powder is like the super OG dry shamps. Back a million years ago when I looked like this:


I could not LIVE without baby powder. My hair was super fragile (effing obviously), so I tried to wash it less, and baby powder was my jammiest jam that's ever jammed. Plus, it's the cheapest dry shampoo that's ever sopped up hair oil. Bottom line, unless you have dark hair, you need this sh*t in your life for $2.

Bonus: You also use b. powds to but the kibosh on foot stank when you're wearing shoes without socks. Fresh to death in this b.

shea moisture organic raw shea butter baby oil rub, $10.29 at target
Full disclosure, here. I've never used this specific baby oil, BUT I'M TOTALLY BUYING IT ASAP. Because here's my baby oil deal -- I love that sh*t to use instead of a body lotion. BUT, I hate the smell, and I'm not fond of rubbing mineral oil all over my skin, because I don't even know what the eff it is. So both of those issues are solved with this baby oil, and I almost want to have a baby so it's not weird for me to buy the ish out of this stuff.

Bonus: Baby oil is also great for removing pain in the ass eye makeup. Just swipe it on with a cotton ball, then follow up by washing your face like normal.

Look out, ROYAL BABY, because we're coming for your damn beauty products.


Hide yo' powders, hide yo' 'poos. But not your POOS poos. We don't want those, Josie Grossie.



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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Weekend Update: Justin Timberlake Totally Got the Color Me Badd Haircut.


I mean, seriously, bro, could you LOOK anymore like this dude? (Chandler Bing voice.)


No, not shoulder-padded-not-really-cute-enough-to-be-in-Milli-Vanili, and not Kenny-G-stole-the-suit-from-The-Mask. Not even Hoops McPosing4mylyfe. I'm talking the Ozzy Obsourne eyewear thief in the back. The only difference is C.M.B. dude's brows are tweezed thinner than Kate Moss' ass in the 90's.

Exhibit B:



I rest my case on that sh*t. And the worst part is, this isn't even JT's most unfortunate haircut.


Never forget.


RIP doucherows and the weirdest rectangular brows I've ever seen.


Peace be with you, Little Orphan Annie hair.


And, of course,  a big l'chaim to the Ellen-with-a-spiral-perm days. I just feel bad for the b*tch that has to hair wrangle the ish of that mop and flat iron and pomade ever piece to death.


Next time, just get "the Rachel," champ.



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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Karate Moves So Sweet That They Can Demolish Buildings (Set to Faux Backstreet Boys Tunes)



You guys, coochie cutters can really bring the heat, when necessary, because this dude is straight killin' it with his kuh-rat-tay. Here's the apparent story behind this hot damn mess (via YouTube):

So here's the story... For those of you from Southern Ontario, it's likely that you went to Canada's Wonderland in Toronto during the late 90's/early 2000's in the Summertime. I have very fond memories of the roller coasters, waterpark and food at the amusement park. One year, I went with some friends and we came across the new video karaoke; essentially, you pay them some money and they create a blue screen video of you and your friends singing a song. They would broadcast the song, including the videos of whoever was singing at the time, on the outside of the building.They had all the hits at the time, including a number of songs by the Backstreet Boys. While I never had the guts to go in and sing something, we happened to be outside the place when this guy went in for his solo. The park staff were stunned, and my friends and I were on the ground crying with laughter! Needless to say, I wanted this video, and the staff were kind enough to oblige. I spent the rest of my spending money for the day on the VHS copy of his performance, and to this day, I still consider it money well spent. It's been hiding in a box in my basement for years, and today, I converted it to digital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you WTF Backstreet's Back. Enjoy!

Dammit, if time machines ever get invented, I'm setting it to 1999 so I can totally creep on this Danielson.



Werk that locker key, boo.



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I've Been Hoarding an Awesome Eyeshadow Palette Like a Total B Face.

When I tell you guys that I'm the worst, I'm not just being hyperbolic. Like, I am literally the worst at all things. I've had a really badass eyeshadow palette for like two months, and using it on the reg, like almost every day, and I haven't said sh*t. And that's like my job(ish).


But, LOOK. I'm trying to fix it. So let me effin' do this already.


Smashbox's Photo Op Eyeshadow Palette in Softbox II, $39
When Smashbox sent me their Photo Op Palette in Softbox II a while back, I knew it would be my jam immediately. It's a great mix of matte shadows and shimmery ish, and it's neutral, so my old ass won't look like a damn tween. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a tween. Or a twink. I'm just jealous that I'm not either.)


Here's a sh*tty-ish up close look at the colors. I literally like them all, which is super rare for me when it comes to palettes. I'm usually meh-ing the f*ck out over at least a couple of them. In my "everyday eye" look I've got happening above, I'm using all of the shadows but juniper. I have bare as my base shadow/under the brow deal. I used truffle from the crease to the lash line, then sumatra under my eye and in the crease. I then blended it out a little with russet. I finished by using a little sandstorm in the inner corner and inner lid. It's a pretty natural look, and a touch smoky. But not in a too slutty for daytime kind of deal.


Bottom line -- bee's knees, cat's pajamas, giraffe's fishnet stockings, butterfly's fancy hat, this palette is the sh*t. You can ch-ch-check it out for your own damn self here.



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Monday, July 15, 2013

True Blood Musings: Errrybody's Effed

You guys know how I felt about the first few episodes of TB this season.


Luckily, it HAS gotten better. Now I'm a little more like this.


I won't spoil it for you peeps that haven't watched, but serious ish-nay went on this week. Jump with me, and let's talk about it.


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BREAKING NEWS: Beyonce Tries Normaling, Shops at Target.

Some mofos with Twitter accounts totally caught Yonnie scoping out the 30% Xhilaration bangles, or whatever.

via twitter
via twitter
PleasebeSolangeinawig. PleasebeSolangeinawig.

Here's the thing, guys. If I had a drop of the bajillions that the Yonn-Z family has, I would never shop at Target. I wouldn't even leave my house.


I would have mini unicorns with wings of Monarch butterflies created for me to bring me such plebeian things as Dawn dish detergent. If any of my foots even touched a Target floor, it would immediately sear off in normal person germs. But, sadly for me in my actual life, going to Target is a luxury afforded for times like when I win the grand prize on Supermarket Sweep.


GET ALL THE HAMS, B. ALL THE HAMS. Well, I'll see you guys at CVS, shopping with only Extra Care Bucks like it's Monopoly money.



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