Orlando Bloom Acts For The People Of Earth And Tries To Punch Justin Bieber

This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.



These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly  Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.

UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.

Pin It

Drugstore Darlings: Let's Check Out The Maybelline The Nudes Palette

Gather around for a very important storytime, kids. There was once a lady that loved makeup a little too much for her own good. And sometimes when a person really, really wants to find a palette that they think they'll love on their eyeball lids, they will drive to eight friggin' different drugstores to find said palette. Especially when the palette seems super-affordable and dreamy. And when the lady was united with the palette, she was happy.

THE END. JK! That's just the beginning. And I'm a horrible storyteller. And it's probably slightly inappropriate to tell kids a story about anything called "The Nudes." Keep the youths away from me.

I was pretty damn excited about finally copping this palette. I actually got it for about $7, because Walgreens was having some sort of Maybelline sale. I can't be bothered with the details, because I was on a "GOTCHA B!" high, but I think it typically retails for $12-ish in drugstores.

Here's a close-up look at the shadows and swatches of all of the colors. The eyeshadows are almost evenly split between matte and shimmery finishes, which is a pretty bomb and refreshing find. AIN'T NOBODY THAT WANTS ALL SHIMMERY SHADOW PALETTES, COSMETIC COMPANIES. STOP THE INSANITY.

The matte colors (with the exception of the base/highlight shade) would also all be perfect doubling as brow powders, which is always a nice bonus.

I decided to do a mini head-to-head challenge pitting The Nudes against Urban Decay's OG Naked Palette. The color schemes are pretty similar, so I devoted one eyeball to each palette, and used my wee wee brain (and a camera) to document the differences. (Side note: Please ignore my scaly ass eyelid. I'm using a new skin treatment, and it wants my skin to be dry like whoa.)

I tried to pick similar colors in both palettes to create an as-close-to-identical eye as possible. The verdict? Crazy close, non?

There are a few major differences that I noticed between the two palettes. The spendy ass UD shadows are a lot softer and more blend-y, but almost to a fault. As you can see on the UD lid, the shadows almost blend together a little TOO well, if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, the Maybelline shadows are pretty chalky in texture, but the colors almost seem richer than their more expensive comrades. (The exception were with the lighter/highlighting shades. Those weren't very vibrant. At all.)

Bottom line -- I'm not going to blow smoke up ye olde bung-hole and say, "OWROWIQRJF IT'S JUST LIKE A ONE BILLION DOLLAR PALETTE! WHEEEE!" But, it's really damn great for drugstore eyeshadows. And in some ways it's even better. It's definitely worth them handful of bones, for serious.

So now you can feel free to spend your cash flow on country clubs, strip clubs, or wherever you want, ya' freak bitch!



Pin It

Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition

I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.

So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.

The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.

Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.

For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.

Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.

Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.

Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.

That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.

Pin It

WTF Music Monday: International Edition

Here we are again, mofos. It's Monday, and we all hate our lives. But don't worry that pretty little noggin, I'm here to jump start the week in the very best way that I know how -- with awesomely shitty music.

First up, is a jam from Eastern Europe. Watch the video and we'll discuss afterward. (P.S. I'll high five the shit out of you if you can make it all the way through this one.)



What was that? It's like the Russian (???) version of "Gangnam Style, " with extra highlighting eyeshadow. And bedazzled headbands as sunglasses. And chandelier accoutrements as headbands.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but whoever told homie that licking that lollypop like that was cute was a damned liar. That person is not your friend. Add the d-bag that sold you those Paris Hilton colored contacts to the list of your non-friends, too.

This isn't even the end of the fun(ish) times today, you guys. I also found this adorably mustachioed Indian man auto-tuning his little heart out in this piece of musical perfection.



I MF-ing love this song. I like to imagine that it's this dude's take on Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," but with extra EXTRA sound effects and air drums. The lyrics are more magical than a gif of a kitten riding a unicorn, which I couldn't find, but I did find this:

Let's just flesh out some of the amazingness of this man's words:

• It's my life, whom I want to leave oooo....oooo....oooo
• A friend of mine said I'm a waste fellow, he don't know the taste of this fellow.
• I always search for good in bad, I also search for bad in good. I am a very good bad boy.
• I am a brain eater...
• I am a smart cheater...
• I am a back bencher...
• I am a kids lover...
• I am very anger...I know it's very danger

You could really put any of those quotes on a watercolor background and have a hell of an inspirational Instagram post.

The moral of the story? "If you don't like anyone, live alone." And also, "Don't believe me...I am a true lier." Annnnnd scene.

Yep, pretty much. Happy Monday!

via reddit's "crappy music"


Pin It

50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine

#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show

#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does

#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial

#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny

#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream

#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying

#23 -- Heidi Montag crying

#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself

#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"

#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance

#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production

#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?


Pin It

LOLZ Of The Day: Watch Robin Thicke As An "Actor"

Prepare yourself for a big old bag o' gross. That's exactly how you'll feel after watching this monstrosity of an "acting" reel that Vulture was kind enough to create for the universe, featuring the indomitable Robin Thicke in his premiere movie role in something called Abby in the Summer (and also Making the Rules). This shitshow also co-stars Jaime Pressly, who apparently has gym hair throughout the movie for some unknown reason. Notice I keep putting all things having to do with Robbie T's acting in quotations. Watch the video and you'll see why.

I can't even believe that this is Jason Seaver's son.

via realitytvgifs

Aviva just wanted to remind you that she has more acting prowess in her discarded leg than the entire Thicke family tree.

Just listening to RT say, "Ahbbee," over and over is enough to bring on vomit times, but seeing the popped leather jacket collar in the laundromat will really put a b over the nauseated edge. Even Jaime Pressly looks like she wants to throw up a little.

I also never realized how Teddy Ruxpin-y dude looks in the face. Can't picture it? You don't have to waste your pretty brain wrinkles. I did the work for you:

"Jumbalaya...Pffft. Child's play." Such range! So much emoting! I can't wait for the sequel. Breaking the Rules: Abby in the Winter?

P.S. You aren't Mark Wahlberg in Fear. Stop trying to make that weird, husky whisper thing happen.






Pin It

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)

I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.

I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



Pin It