Beauty Tricks To Make Yourself Look Like You Give A Sh*t, Even When You Don't

Life is not always mf-ing glitter-covered fairies and glow stick rainbows, you guys. I'm going through one of those mental valleys in life right now, and it's hard for me to find one eff to give about much. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw down the gauntlet, and buy some oversized sweatpants with "I've given up," emblazoned on the ass. When I do make a rare venture out into public, I force myself to at least give the illusion that I'm a productive member of society. Here are my tricks.

Get The Windows To Your Soul Looking Human(ish).

If the eyes really tell all, then (woo-hah!) you better get that all in check. The easiest and most effective way to do this is with a little eyebrow definition/eye highlighting combo. As you can see from the terrifying picture above, the combination of these two things give an instant lifted look to a sad sack eye. Plus, it takes, like, two seconds.

Simply take a concealer that's just a wee bit lighter than your skin, and apply it directly under your eyebrow and under-eye area, patting it in. Finish off by filling in your brows with a neutral eyebrow pencil. Voila! Now no one will ever know what an actual monster I am. Muahahaha!

P.S. Before your ass is all, "The eye picture on the right is just positioned lower than the one on the left, you conniving a-hole," it's one picture. I just put a little line down the center for the extra dramz. Science! 

Ditch The Garbage Pail Kid Hair.

The days that I actually and legitimately wash my entire head of hair are getting few and far between, so I have some tricks in my lazy arsenal to prevent myself from looking squarely in the "that girl might have ACTUAL vaseline in her hair" category. (The threat is very, very real.)

If you're still trying to make wearing your dirty ass hair down happen, the best thing to do is to just wash the front bang area of your mop, then style that section as you normally would. You can treat the rest of your hair with dry shampoo, like this new Herbal Essences Naked (Target, $4.99). It's insanely fragrant, so you won't smell like week-old french fries.

Or maybe your hair is way too far gone down that dirty ol' road to wear it down. I feel you, man. If this is the case, treat your mane generously with dry shampoo and wear it all up in a top knot. Oh, and maybe try washing it tomorrow, if you're up to it, Josie Grossie.

 Keep Lower Maintenance Expectations.

When I'm having an extended period of over-it-itis, I like to keep my expectations and my maintenance lowered.

These are the times that I like to depend on easy beauty products that really just get sh*t done, like the Clinique Chubby Stick Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Mega Melon ($17). It's a gorgeous pinky coral color, easy to apply, and has just the right amount of shine.

For eyes, it's all about my samples of Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows (Sephora, $20) the company sent me forever ago. You literally can't eff up with these things. Rub it around your general eye area and it looks great. And like you tried. And not like you were crying over a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling while eating stale Cheetos all day.

When All Else Fails, Red Lipstick.

mac viva glam, $16

At worst, you'll look like an eccentric and mysterious weirdo, with phenomenal taste in lipstick and a penchant for hole-filled "Class of '99" t-shirts and leggings. Just put on huge sunglasses and let the gen pop think you're an Olsen twin.

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Awkward Celebrity Photos: Starring A Fake (???) Brit Brit, Gaga, And Co-Starring Celebrity Dudes

Lady Gaga tweeted this weekend about going to see Brit Brit's Vegas show, and later posted this picture of the two of them (ALLEGEDLY) on her website. But something is really, really weird here...

via littlemonsters.com

I feel like I'm looking at either a) celebrity impersonators, or b) a Britney Spears and Lady Gaga wax figures shoved next to each other. I call shenanigans on what is being called Brit's face. NOPE. This whole picture feels like ten pounds of weirdness shoved into a creepy five pound bag. Go call the guv-nah, because this sh*t is fishier than the Little Mermaid's birthday party guest list.

This isn't even the end of the celebrity strange. Here's the odd combo of Leonardo Dicaprio (in that f*cking HAT), Bradley Cooper (looking straight mid-2000s), and Lenny Kravtiz (wearing a possible choke collar).

via lk's facebook page

This picture is just begging for a game of bang, marry, kill, so shall we? Here's what I'm thinking:

• Bang -- Leo, because I wouldn't want to live with him. He seems like he would be really particular about where you put his dumb hats and would have a refrigerator filled with only roasted star fruit, or some sh*t.
• Marry -- Lenny. He's hot, seems pretty cool and non-irritating, except for the fact that he's hanging out with these two.
• Kill -- Bradley, because I just have a feeling about that homeboy. He always has semi-to-full douche face. And he goes by BRADLEY.

Now you guys play. What are your choices for bang, marry, kill? And is Britney's face looking super un-Brit-Brit-like, or am I insane in the mf-ing membrane (again)?

Tell me all these things.




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10 Fierce Hair Times in Beverly Hills, 90210 History

Real talk -- I formed roughly 99.9% of my opinions in life from watching Beverly Hills, 90210. There are so many amazingly horrible things to soak up from the ten years of that show, that I could fill an entire blog with all of the wonders of that world.

One of the best and worst things about 90210? THE HAIR. Now, click through so we can talk about all of the glory and the madness that made up the best moments in 90210 hair history.


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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs

Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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Black Cat, An Essay

I've decided to start trying to diversify my shit, and attempt to write various kinds of things. Today I wrote my first essay, just to kind of see if I could, and if I had anything to write about. It's a memoir, of sorts, about an Elementary School-aged me, and this song:



The essay is after the jump if you care to indulge, and if not, that's cool too. It's totally acceptable if you're here to talk about lipstick and Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm still doing that. I probably won't post more of these essays here, but I thought I would go ahead and post this shit because it's the first one and, whatever, I do what I want.

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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly

You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.

This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs

Bottoms up, b*tches.




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