Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.
But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.
Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?
DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!
Hey guys, remember that time that Real Housewives of Beverly Hill's Adrienne Maloof was 51 years old? Probably. Okay, then remember when SHE forgot?
Holy effin' kitten mittens, that's a lot of errrything happening in one tiiiny piece o' cloth. Lettuce take a wee bit closer look.
Well that was a huge mistake.
Now, let me be clear. I'm not just being a Judgy McBFace because I'm a terrible prude. I've had my own major days o' ho dress, myself.
This way my standard (obviously) garb for my late teens/early twenties. BUT, there' a time to leave that Bebe peek-a-boo/sheer/high-waisted/hot pantsed/koala bear face (it's my new name for extreme camel toe) inducing romper on the clearance rack, Maloof. AND THAT TIME IS NOW.
I'll give a Fruit by the Foot to any b that can make it through this video. Not a Fruit Roll Up. What am I, effin' made of money? I'll throw in a pack of gusher to anyone that can send out a memo on what's up with that mouth situation. Mr. Bubble? Anyone?
Have you mofos noticed an upswing in my True Blood-related posting? I'm gearing up for that sh*t, because, once again, I'll be doing my (totally not) infamous TB recaps. And in that vein (heh), here's Joe Manganiello (whose name I have to google EVERY EFFING TIME for spelling), from the UK edition of Men's Health. Apparently, America is not ready for that jelly.
Well, maybe we aren't. Let's look some more, just for science, and stuff.
This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.
I hope you mofos had an amazing ass long weekend, if you had one of those. If you didn't, then sorry for bringing that sh*t up. What a b. I had to work, then I balled out by visiting my Gam Gam, and I also watched a b-hole-load of Arrested Development while doing a lot of this:
So, I wilded the eff out. (No, I didn't.) If you did, in fact, get crunk this weekend, you are probably recovering in some way or another from some kind of unfortunate decision-making that you partook in. But don't worry your sweet ass about anything. I've got your (beauty) solutions covered. Anything else, you might want to have a doctor look at that mess.
Awkward Tan Lines
I'm sure a ton of your asses were all laid up on the beach/pool/side of the road/back yard this weekend, soaking up that first bit of summer. Number one: WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, B's. Looking raggedy in your 20's is not a good look. But it's possible that you got a little careless and missed a couple of applications. You're a human; it happens. (I'm sure mai tai consumption had ZERO things to do with that.) Unfortunately, I really have a severe anti-boner over weird tan lines. It just makes me imagine people wearing this nonsense on a beach, and livin' it up, Ja Rule style.
That is just awkward as sh*t for everyone in your workplace. There's an easy solution for this problem, though. The best thing to do is to take one of those small foam paintbrushes, or a makeup sponge, and paint on a coat or two of self tanner to those tan lines. It will help blur them, at least, if not blend them away completely. Please, I beg of you, don't wear a weird tube top with weird tan lines. Unless you star in some tan line fetish, um, material. In that case, carry the eff on. Get money.
Hamburglar Under Eye Circles
i stole this from an ANGELFIRE page. can't you tell???
Aren't dark ass under eye circles the balls, you guys? No one wants to look like a friggin' corpse bride in this b*tch. And they can be RIDICULOUS to cover. But there is a little trick to covering those a-holes on your face. You have to use a yellow-y concealer to cover anything with a blue undertone, like dark circles. I did makeup in a medi spa for a hot minute, and I had to cover stuff like bruises from Botox and fillers. The best bet was to use the super yellow-toned concealer, and pat it on the bruises, which is essentially what dark circles are. Blend well and cover with a powder that matched your actual skin tone. You'll totally unzombify yourself. It works.
Fried, Insane Hair
Sometimes in life, your hair looks almost like this. Whether it is sun damaged, over-hairsprayed from long nights out, or heat damaged. The easiest and cheapest cure for this is an oil treatment, and I'm not talking V05. I love a good coconut oil hair treatment, but you can also use olive oil if you happen to have it. Rub some between your palms, and apply it to dry hair until it's pretty saturated all over. Leave it on for at least 30 minutes, and then shampoo really well and LIGHTLY condition. Your frizzed out mess will be waaaay more moisturized and manageable. Then you are free to go cook some eggs or some sh*t with the rest of the oil. Don't forget bacon.
No matter what kind of beauty damage you did to yourself this weekend, you can be sure of one thing -- it wasn't as bad as this.
"Whoooot's goin' on?" Chillin', chillin'. Rollin' with the homies. Welcome back to the real world, b*tches.
