Blogging Note: Imma Be a Minute

If you follow my boring ass on Instagram or Twitter, you might know that I'm moving/just moved. And because all things are boring and annoying, I haven't had internet at my old place for the past few days, and now that ish isn't working at my new place. Doy, like that WOULDN'T happen. So I won't be posting until that nonsense gets fixed, or whatever. I'm not a wizard. So I'm leeching up free wifi right now at a coffee place with all of the other nerds, because all of my neighbors have their wifi on lock down. That includes someone that named their wifi "Grenade Free Zone." Ugh, OF COURSE. See you b's on the flip side.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.

Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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It's Almost Time for The Great Gatsby, So Get Daisy Buchanan-esqued All Up on Your Grill.

I friggin' love The Great Gatsby, you guys. After I saw the initial trailer in December, I was thisclose to cutting my hair into a blonde pageboy. Sh*t is hot. But instead, I made a makeup tutorial so you can get Daisy Buchanan's face on yo' face.



I used products sent to me from the peeps at Beauty Store Depot, which you can find here: gloMinerals Alloy Eye Collection and gloMinerals Precise Micro Eyeliner in Black.

This is the gorgeous-ass picture I  used as an inspiration for the tutorial. DOES THIS NOT MAKE YOU EXCITED, PEOPLE?!? And because you might be a crazy person that hasn't seen The Great Gatsby Trailer, here it is. You are welcome.

Now, we party -- Gatsby style.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via growingpangs

I'm jealous as sh*t of everyone that gets to go to Coachella, because I'm a poor faux dirty hippie, and not a rich faux dirty hippie. So this week for Allure Magazine, I present to you, Anti-Coachella Beauty (Treat Yo' Self Because You Aren't in a Desert). Check it out here.




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Dammit, Jon Hamm is Trying to Force Me to Turn On My Baby Maker.

Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.

P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.

Great, I just got flagged by the FBI.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story

I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.

Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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The Badass B List: Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Fuzzy (Anymore) Was She?

Awkwardly placed facial and body hair is decidedly NOT the cat's sexy ass pajamas, I mean amiright? Unless you are one of those "I have zero effs to give about body hair" people. If so, carry on, and maybe pass go and read about Justin Bieber, or whatever. For the rest of us, get ready, because sh*t's about to get awkward. (For me, anyway.)

bliss "fuzz" off, $24

First is the worst (to talk about, anyway), so let's just do this crap. I don't find myself to be an excessively hairy human, female person. I'm just on that pre-pubescent boy that is trying to grow a creepy moustache, or Pedro from Napoleon Dynomite tip. But with blonde hair. It's quite cute. (No, it's not.) So it was a happy day for me when the Bliss people allowed me to try their new product for facial hair removal, "fuzz" off. Unfortunately, I have not had good luck with hair removal creams in the past, when I've used them on my legs and such. I always end up with rashy, irritated skin. YAY! But I was left pleasantly surprised with this bliss product. It's super easy to use (apply with applicator, wait a few minutes, wipe off), and it actually smells pretty, pretty good. And best part -- no irritation (or Pedro-esque lip hair)! Check it out for yo' own damn self here.

whish shave savour hair inhibiting gel swipes, $8 (8 pk) to $20 (20 pk)

The Whish people were nice enough to send me a sample of these brand new Hair Inhibiting Gel Swipes, which were shown in clinical studies to reduce hair density by 26% after 28 days of daily use. Pretty friggin' cool, right? My favorite thing about them (of course) is that ish is super easy to use, AKA lazy b friendly. It's like a wet nap -- rip it open, then just wipe wherever you want to make your hair less coarse. I went for the legs, because I'm a prude. And they smell like a pomegranate martini, minus the regrets and bad decisions. (Okay, not that prude.) I can't wait for my legs to look like a borderline hairless cat in a few weeks. Check the deets on these puppies here.

bikini soft smooth shave oil & razor saver, $14.99 plus s&h

When I was sent this duo from Bikini Soft, I was super iffy on it. It's just a bottle of oil, how good can this mess be??? And while I love the crap out of it for shaving the swimsuit/no no areas and legs, the true testament came from shaving my armpits. Here's a little back story on my 'pits (whether you want to hear it or not). I have always, since the dawn of shaving said underarms time, had an issue with razor burn/bumps on the armpits. No matter what I've used, it always happens. But that sh*t is completely gone after using this stuff. Insanity. And to use the smooth shave oil, just put a few drops in your hands and apply to wherever you're shaving. After you've finished, you dry off your razor and use the razor saver to increase the longevity of your razor. Bikini Soft also has a razor recycling program, where you can send your old ass razors to be recycled. Captain Planet would totally approve. Find out more about Bikini Soft here, including their 30 day money back guarantee.

Being hairlessly fresh to death has never been so easy.



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