I'm kind of obsessed with everything about this video. The dude is one hundred percent a reanimated corpse, and Sandy Duncan's 'fit is KILLING IT. That top looks like it belongs on a child in the casual wear portion of a beauty pageant.
Watch this short video of my ass (not actual ass shots included, and you're welcome) telling you how to use QVC's Today's Special Value, which includes one of my favorite prods of the year, from Dr. Dennis Gross.
After you are finished watching my amazingly informative mini tutorial, go snatch this sh*t up from QVC here. It's for today only, and you're saving roughly one trillion (not an exact figure) dollars.
If you want to find out more about the science of the different Dr. G products and how they all work, get all that good good info here.
I'll give a Fruit by the Foot to any b that can make it through this video. Not a Fruit Roll Up. What am I, effin' made of money? I'll throw in a pack of gusher to anyone that can send out a memo on what's up with that mouth situation. Mr. Bubble? Anyone?
I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.
TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.
I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.
Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.
Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:
Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK
These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.
Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)
I've always thought that John Krasinski (AKA Jim from The Office) was moderately hot. Like hottest guy you saw at the grocery store today hot, but not necessarily John Hamm/Alexander Skarsgard/face made of rugged angel Pegasus wings hot. That is UNTIL TODAY. Here he is on Jimmy Fallon's show lip syncing "I'll Make Love to You." (If you must.) That beard is KILLIN' IT for homeboy's face. I'm buying whatever you're selling here, Krasinski. I'll take a million of each.
I didn't cover it when I heard that Reese Witherspoon's ass got arrested for being annoying, or whatever, the other day because I don't really give a rat's b hole. BUT, I will post the dash cam video that TMZ posted because homegirl is acting uber uppity and hilarious. Sh*t's better than Four Christmases.
Next time, I just really hope she says this --
It would be more appropriate. And if you couldn't de-screech Reese's speech enough to understand what she was saying, here are some quotes from TMZ:
Reese: "Do you know my name sir?" Officer: "Don't need to know." Reese "You don't NEED to know my name?" Officer: "Not quite yet." Reese: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!"
Reese: "I have done nothing against the law." Officer: "Yes you did, you didn't obey my orders." Reese: "I HAVE TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS??"
Reese: "I'm now being arrested and handcuffed??"
Reese: "I'm an American citizen ... I'm allowed to stand on American ground."
Reese: "You better not arrest me."
Reese: "I'm being anti-American?" Officer: "Yes, please sit down." Reese: "Wow!"
Reese: "You're harassing me as an American citizen"
HAHAHAHA! I smell a hit one woman show on Broadway.
B needs to suck on a Werther's and take a damn seat. I am not that into you, Reese Witherspoon.
Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.
If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower.
Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status.
And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental.
At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.
I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops!
At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.
Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.
And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.
Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.
Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.
Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.
I friggin' love The Great Gatsby, you guys. After I saw the initial trailer in December, I was thisclose to cutting my hair into a blonde pageboy. Sh*t is hot. But instead, I made a makeup tutorial so you can get Daisy Buchanan's face on yo' face.
This is the gorgeous-ass picture I used as an inspiration for the tutorial. DOES THIS NOT MAKE YOU EXCITED, PEOPLE?!? And because you might be a crazy person that hasn't seen The Great Gatsby Trailer, here it is. You are welcome.
This b don't play, mmmmkay? Quit trying to get all up in his (or her -- I don't know your life) area. Humans are so friggin' annoying in the brain area.
Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.
Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.
Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.
P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.
No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.
I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.
That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)
P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.
You guys have seen those Kids React to ______ videos, right? Well there's a new one about Grumpy Cat, and because I am still waaaaaay into GC...
just me & my boo
I had to REACT to kids REACTING to Grumps. Did your head just explode in the time/space continuum? (Whatever that means.)
- Ol' sequin shirt was straight DISAPPOINTED with everything grumpy. THAT's rude.
- Homegirl in the straw fedora has sleeves of temporary tattoos. I'm jealous of that badassery. (I wasn't allowed to have temporary tattoos or candy cigarettes when I was a kid, and look how I turned out...)
- "The Poo Poo Milk Cow Cat?" That kid should write for this blog.
- "Just hand me the shovel???" What in future serial killer hell does that mean, kid? Damn.
- Then straw fedora wins again, with her open views on gender.
- The gingers are totally over being judged, clearly. Sorry, sisters.
- Why is baseball tee/messy hair doing the The Shining scary voice? Stop that sh*t, man.
Nicky just wants to get a rich dude and drink beach drinks. And eat/not eat pork. And wear/not wear hipster glasses from the Russian Claire's Boutique. I'm not really sure if this video is real life or not, but I don't really give an eff. Nicky is the voice of our generation, because who is REALLY sure which faux fir vest they want to wear??? Not I, world. Do ringtones still exist? This is all too much. I need a drink.
You're welcome. I just gave you a reason to get your party started.
Warning: C Stodd drops several effs in this video, so watch it with headphones, or something, if you are at work. Or turn it the hell up if you work somewhere that embraces yelling eff super loud. (Can you pick up an app for me if that's the case?)
Here's my favorite teenage dream, pretending to be her (Emo? Hipster? Rocker? Hot Topic employee?) sister, Courtland. She's been making these weird videos of her "sisters" lately, which I'm afraid is turning into some creepy role play game. Homegirl MIGHT need to pick up a couple of part-time shifts at Subway or something. She seems bored, and I'm concerned. And why 30 seconds of this video is spent in an "I'm giving birth" pose, I am not quite sure. But at least Stods has a sense of humor about her...life. Okay, now I feel sadness.
This is apparently from some show on Syfy that I really should be watching, because this sh*t is straight comedy. The dude in the Tommy Bahama shirt is supposed to be "transforming" into a werewolf right before our very eyes. Sir, please. That mess is lame as eff. You are doing a hulk impression, pawing the ground, and letting out a half-assed howl. No. But the best part is after he's back to being a totally reg human and he's all, "Oh, damn. What time is it? Werewolf time flies when you're having fun. I've got a haircut in ten minutes."
Imma need a LOT more wine if you want me to start getting on this nonsense train. No.
Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.
When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.
AKA Whaddup, beauty boxes? Do you know how hard it was for me to not make crude jokes in this b? I deserve an award, or something. Okay, enough -- let's take a tour.
