Quick Sh*t: The "Eff That" Cat

This b don't play, mmmmkay? Quit trying to get all up in his (or her -- I don't know your life) area. Humans are so friggin' annoying in the brain area.

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Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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Eff Your Twerking, Miley Cyrus. This is the Real Sh*t.

No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.

I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.


via buzzfeed

That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)

P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.






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I React to Kids Reacting to My Boo 4EVA, Grumpy Cat.

You guys have seen those Kids React to ______ videos, right? Well there's a new one about Grumpy Cat, and because I am still waaaaaay into GC...

just me & my boo

I had to REACT to kids REACTING to Grumps. Did your head just explode in the time/space continuum? (Whatever that means.)



- Ol' sequin shirt was straight DISAPPOINTED with everything grumpy. THAT's rude.
- Homegirl in the straw fedora has sleeves of temporary tattoos. I'm jealous of that badassery. (I wasn't allowed to have temporary tattoos or candy cigarettes when I was a kid, and look how I turned out...)
- "The Poo Poo Milk Cow Cat?" That kid should write for this blog.
- "Just hand me the shovel???" What in future serial killer hell does that mean, kid? Damn.
- Then straw fedora wins again, with her open views on gender.
- The gingers are totally over being judged, clearly. Sorry, sisters.
- Why is baseball tee/messy hair doing the The Shining scary voice? Stop that sh*t, man.

Viva la Grump, b's.






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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.

Nicky just wants to get a rich dude and drink beach drinks. And eat/not eat pork. And wear/not wear hipster glasses from the Russian Claire's Boutique. I'm not really sure if this video is real life or not, but I don't really give an eff. Nicky is the voice of our generation, because who is REALLY sure which faux fir vest they want to wear??? Not I, world. Do ringtones still exist? This is all too much. I need a drink.

You're welcome. I just gave you a reason to get your party started.





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Oh, Courtney Stodden. You Bring Rainbows to My Life.

Warning: C Stodd drops several effs in this video, so watch it with headphones, or something, if you are at work. Or turn it the hell up if you work somewhere that embraces yelling eff super loud. (Can you pick up an app for me if that's the case?)



Here's my favorite teenage dream, pretending to be her (Emo? Hipster? Rocker? Hot Topic employee?) sister, Courtland. She's been making these weird videos of her "sisters" lately, which I'm afraid is turning into some creepy role play game. Homegirl MIGHT need to pick up a couple of part-time shifts at Subway or something. She seems bored, and I'm concerned. And why 30 seconds of this video is spent in an "I'm giving birth" pose, I am not quite sure. But at least Stods has a sense of humor about her...life. Okay, now I feel sadness.

Okay, I'm good again. KOALAZZZ ROOL.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Human/Werewolf Guy

via reddit

This is apparently from some show on Syfy that I really should be watching, because this sh*t is straight comedy. The dude in the Tommy Bahama shirt is supposed to be "transforming" into a werewolf right before our very eyes. Sir, please. That mess is lame as eff. You are doing a hulk impression, pawing the ground, and letting out a half-assed howl. No. But the best part is after he's back to being a totally reg human and he's all, "Oh, damn. What time is it? Werewolf time flies when you're having fun. I've got a haircut in ten minutes."

Imma need a LOT more wine if you want me to start getting on this nonsense train. No.




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Just In Case You Need a Little Motivation to Get You Through the Rest of the Week

This could be you.

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Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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What's the Deal With Those Beauty Boxes, Anyway? (ft. beauty box five)

AKA Whaddup, beauty boxes? Do you know how hard it was for me to not make crude jokes in this b? I deserve an award, or something. Okay, enough -- let's take a tour.

Find out more about this good good here.




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Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)

This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

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Oh, Sh*t. GUUUUUURL of the LIFETIME, You Guys: This Guy.

Bill Dollear, just effing marry me, you son of a b. I have seriously NEVER laughed so hard at someone's lofty, broken ass dreams as I did just now. I am truly a heartless, cold b*tch, but this ish is hilarious. Sorry, Bill -- call me. You can hang your tarp in my garage/car port/rec room whenever you want. Oh, and I'm pregnant.

P.S. WHO THE EFF IS REPRESENTING THIS PERSON? HOW DOES THIS EXIST???

via reddit

UPDATE: If you can't get enough, and you are wearing Depends adult diapers and have some eye drops handy, please watch Gary Murphy. (B doesn't blink ONCE. Like, ever.) Oh, and language is NSFW on this one, because GARY IS A BOSS.



Okay, I'm done. I think I can be an actor.




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And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas

No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.

 ENJOY.

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Just in Case You Feel Like Judging the Sh*t Out of Someone, This is What I Did Today.

Yep. This is real life.

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Disney Rides Are NEVER This Fun.

Wait...So is this a ghost story? I am completely and totally jealous of every single effin' person in this video. The late 80's/early 90's were so equal parts magical and disgusting, weren't they? They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. And if that's what it's like to be a construction worker, sign my ass up. I didn't realize that strong choreography was a job requirement.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone I Know, for Not Getting This Dude to Do a Dance for Me

Why can't this dude "YOOOOUP" twerk it up in a circle for my birthday? Dammit, Aaron. You're such a damn good gift giving hog. But for real, that was really weird. Why did that man have to wear a skirt? Why did that man have to then lift the skirt? Why do old people love wearing socks and awkward shoe combos? BUT REALLY, WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIFT THE SKIRT???

This is my dog, Wiggy, and we both usually think that everything is the worst, so it just seems apropos at this point. (And, yes, I made a meme of my own dog. Get off my junk.) But you know what isn't the worst? Tickling baby penguins named Cookie.



See, everything ended up okay in the end. Now we won't all be hearing "YOOOOUP" in our dreams, and envisioning undergarments that just can't be unseen.


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My Child-Sized Spirit Animal Lives in My Town, and I Had No Idea

Apparently this little boy's stage name is "Little Fear," and he has been dancing with the Tampa Bay Buc's cheerleaders this season. My ass hates sports, so I was left completely unaware that there was a little dude that lives in my area that can werk it like a mofo. I've never been so jealous of a young boy.

 Okay, so maybe this is is a close second.



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Yo! Let Me Solve Your Problems.

Remember when I asked you guys for your beauty problems? Well, it wasn't because I'm a nosy ass b. I'm solving your issues, in a new segment I'm calling "Problem Solvers!" Watch and see hilarity not ensue.

And keep telling me all of your problems!


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Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

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