True Blood Musings: Let's Get Drunk

Now that's a tight eyebrow game. Speaking of, let's start talking crap...

Jump, b's!

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True Blood Musings: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 Some people are making big changes 'round here (thanks, Counting Crows), so let's talk about this ish. Don't look at this picture of Eric for too long. You might burn your retinas.

JUMP! JUMP!

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True Blood Musings: Let My Eric Go!

Pic via Celeb Buzz

 This picture is obviously not from this week's True Blood, but let's all pretend that we're on a little lovers' vacay with Joe, okay? Plus, there was not NEARLY enough Alcide in this week's epi. Now let's dish...JUMP!

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Beauty Inspired by a Junk-Touching Day Job (I Said DAY Job, Sickos!)

I love The Client List. I tried to resist that mess for like a month or so, then I caved and watched like five episodes in a row. (I know, I need to get a library card.) But it's good, you guys! Whatever, I don't even care if you judge my ass on this one.

Just in case you haven't seen this show (which really should air on Masterpiece Theater), the premise is Jennifer Love Hewitt's character is a massage therapist that starts doing a little hand dance and such on her clients when she has to make it as a single mom, after her husband leaves her. Side note -- Every client dude on this show is super hot, and has twenty pack abs. Even the undercover cop that tries to bust (Ha!) her. You know that ish is not factually accurate. Have you SEEN most dudes?

These are the products that I think JLH's character should use to make her day go more...smoothly.

Desert Essence Nourishing Body Oil

I bought this ish at Whole Foods for about $10, and I love it. It's an all-natural oil that combines like 10 different good-for-you oils, and it's really rich and moisturizing. It's badass and would totally work as a massage oil. I can't tell you if I like it for that purpose, because, b please, I'm way too lazy and selfish to be massaging people.

Another thing about TCL (That's what we call it on the message boards! -- If you believe that, I hate you.) is that it takes place in Texas, so everyone has hair that's big as hell. My hair is ridiculously flat and fine, so I have a couple of products that I use to get a little volume up in that piece.

L'Oreal EverStyle Volume Root Lifting Spray

I like this mess because it's pretty cheap (about $6 or $7) and it's alcohol free, so it's not super drying.

Kevin Murphy Full Again Thickening Lotion

My hair stylist got me started on this stuff, and I must say, I'm pretty into it. I can't say how much it costs, because I have no clue. I bought it when I got my hair done, so it was part of the whole price. I'm guessing from $20 to $30. This product is cool, because you put it on the ends/mid-shaft (heh) of the hair to thicken it. It's pretty, pretty sexual.

JLH spends a lot of time in some skimpy ish on this show. She's steady rubbing dudes down on their backs and their no no spots, and she usually does it in lingerie. And nothing goes hand in hand with lingerie like self tanner.

St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse

I have spread the love with St. Tropez before, but let me repeat myself. This is the bizz-nass right here. It dries fast, the color is phenomenal, and it high fives you. (No, it doesn't) It's on the expensive side, ($40 for 8 oz at Sephora) but you will think you've died and gone to Ibiza after you use it.

If you are a masseuse that uses their hands all day, you better get it right and get it tight on those nails.

Essie Wicked

This polish is the perfect shade of super deep red that's almost black. It's my total go-to polish if I'm feeling indecisive. Perfect for the naughty girl that's a little bit "wicked." (Ugh. Barf. That was THE WORST.) At least I didn't use OPI's "I'm Not Really a Waitress." I am so completely unfunny today. Right, Tami?




When you have a long day of performing seedy activities, you need ish that lasts, right?

Revlon Just Bitten Lipstain + Balm

I have had a few of these for a while, and they last forever on your lips. The only down side is that they are drying, like all stains, but there's a little lip balm thing on the other end. But, don't try to get these b's on the lips during your "massage." They don't get down like that.

Do you guys watch The Client List? If not, you best get on it. I'm all up on JLH's vajazzled jock.



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Clear EVERY-freakin'-THING from your DVR

SyFy has come up with another cinematic TV gem. I present to you the trailer of 'Jersey Shore Shark Attack.' This ish is quite a mess, and includes a cameo by Vinny from 'Jersey Shore.' (Of course it does.) Spoiler alert: Joey Fatone (yes, that Joey Fatone) gets eaten by a CGI shark that looks like it was created around Zelda's heyday.

Get your Emmy ballots out. I don't think we need to see anything more for the TV movie category. If that exists. And if it doesn't, it should. And if it does, this movie should get a lifetime achievement award.

 Because if anything deserves an award for creativity, it's a movie told from Joey Buttafuoco's point of view. That ish is a work of fantasy. But I will say:

Those b's are com-for-table.



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Sounds Like a Good Deal to Me...

I seriously love Judge Mathis. And, yes, I recorded this myself. And, yes, I am trash.

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I Say This Without a Drop of Irony: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MESS

G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS. Yes.

 It has just been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in the Lifetime biopic of Elizabeth Taylor's life. If you haven't gotten eyeball cramps from all of the rolling of them that you're doing, wait for this ish. The name of the movie: Liz & Dick. What the WHAT? Liz Taylor would be slapping a b across the face with some glittery gloves if she knew about this. That dame would NOT want the name of her biopic to sound like it belongs in the Romancing the Bone porn collection.

Was Tori Spelling not available? That b knows how to turn out a Lifetime movie. If you haven't seen this gem, you are missing out hardcore.

A wonderful cinematic experience

P.S. I found this while trying to find a picture from one of my favorite movies:

Amazing.

If Walt started dating a character played by Tori Spelling on Breaking Bad, I could die right now happily.

I doesn't take much for me.



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Breaking News: Donatella Versace (and I) Love Downton Abbey

Donatella told Harper's Bazaar regarding her normal day:

"If I am on my own, I might watch some TV. I only watch the news on TV. Otherwise I catch up on movies on DVD. Recently I watched The Help, The Ides of March, and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I'm also a big fan of Downton Abbey."

Me too, homegirl! Twinsies!

Obivously, the Dowager Countess is NOT feeling it. And neither is this cat:



I smell a viewing party, Tell-ster!

P.S. Try not to become overwhelmed by my photoshopping skills. I know they are uber intimidating.



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I Can't Believe I Forgot to Talk About This Mess

 I have MAJOR love for Shannen Doherty. She is one of my favorite humanoids. If you don't love Brenda Walsh, I just can't even with you. But this ish is freaking ridiculous. I can't even co-sign this for my favorite homegirl. The first time I saw this, I got a huge case of the WTF's. Are things that bad, S. Doh? Do you need a personal loan or something? You are better than this. You're endorsing a college that says go to class in your pajamas. I need my b back! I need some c-face, and some rude side eye knives thrown at Kelly Taylor's bland ass! Not this. Pin It

I Hope No One Needs Any Rhinestones for the Next Year, Because Every Michael's in the Country is Sold Out.

RHWoA's Kim Zolciak got married to her cub/baby daddy this weekend, and here is her first released wedding photo from Life & Style. I can't wait to see more pictures of this mess. There is A LOT happening on this dress, and that is quite a headpiece. Kim is so understated and classic in her taste! I think that she possibly sprayed herself with glue and rolled in glitter. Just a guess...And you know she thinks she looks like Grace Kelly or some koo koo craziness.

P.S. I still need to see this b's birth certificate. I can't believe she's only a couple years older than me. Pin It

And You Are? Leighton Meester Edition

Blair Waldorf would never co-host some high falutin' (Darn tootin' I said that.) party with period face. Pin It

It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Year!

Happy Birthday, Judge Judy. You are the only person that can make a grown woman collapse into tears bye uttering, "Goodbye!" That's my b. Pin It

Get Your MF'ing Cowboy Boots On, B*tches!

Hey Dude is coming back! According to Entertainment Weekly, Teen Nick 90's Block (This exsists?!?! Where the eff have I been?) is adding Hey Dude to its Friday night lineup. Crap, I need to find out if I have this mess on my cable. I'll see you b's later. I'm leaving JTT in charge. Let's see what he has to say about this news.


Awesome. He's totally on board with it. Pin It

BORED.

I'm sorry, this ish looks boring as hell. Nene's fired up about being rich? Kim's talking about her fetus' wiener? Andy Cohen, get your crap together before I slap that lazy eye straight. News flash: B's watch RHW of wherever to watch trash and fighting. Not to hear about b's stock portfolios. NEXT! Pin It

Boardwalk Empire Recap:

 Listen, Boardwalk. I need more of this in my life.

 Like 20 seconds an episode is not going to cut it to fill my crazy ho tank. Let's discuss the premiere!

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True Blood Musings: My Boyfriend's Back, and You're Gonna Be in Trouble!

 When I saw my boy La La this week, this was all I could think about.

Let's talk about it!

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True Blood Musings: Wait...What?

I don't know, guys. I kind of got the yawns this week. Were you guys kind of bored?

Okay, not you, Alcide. You're good. Yep, you are good. Let me collect myself, and let's do this.


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True Blood Musings: Somebody Get This W(B)itch Out of Here!

 Ugh. This b. Let's talk crap about her.
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I'm a Terrible Person

Let's just go into this knowing that, okay? So last night I was watching Intervention (Obvs.), and I became transfixed on something other than the standard craziness ensuing. I noticed something and it got my cray cray photographic memory working, and BAM here we are. Let us take a journey, because I believe a non-drug related intervention may be in need for some of these poor, unfortunate souls. (Shoutout to Ursula the sea witch!)

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True Blood Musings: Witchy Bitchy

 I tried to find a picture of Jason doing his crazy workout, but all I could find was this.

 Apparently, Ryan Kwanten is a Vinyasa yoga teacher. Ohhhh-kay! I will leave all of that to you dirty bitches' imagination. Let's discuss this week.

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