I Think Kanye West Wants Us to Put the Lotion on Its Skin.

pics via buzzfeed, via some instagram

I'm all for edgy. And dudes wearing skirts. And doing whatever the eff you feel like. Unless you look scary, which I feel like this is creepin' straight up in the latter category. (Truth bomb: I just had to re-edit the first two sentences roughly three times, because I've had some wine.) This is some Legends of Ga'Hoole meets Silence to the Lambs type sh*t.



It's friggin' weird, and I don't like it. Imagine what the inside of that mask must smell like. It's a feathery, owl mullet. Bleeeeeeeh.

via mrhankey

Okay, I have to go now, before my sh*t get out of hand.




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And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas

No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.

 ENJOY.

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Just in Case You Feel Like Judging the Sh*t Out of Someone, This is What I Did Today.

Yep. This is real life.

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Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

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I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...

But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...

The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Paris Hilton's Latest "Music"

Unfortunately, TMZ leaked this horrible collaboration of Paris Hilton and Lil' Wayne today, and it is really confusing my ass. Why are we still playing this charade with Paris Hilton? 'Tis not 2004 anymore, (not that) young lady. No one was into "Stars are Blind," and we don't want anymore of your baby voice. Especially when the song is so endearingly entitled, "I WANT TO BANG YOU." Not on my watch, b. This is not happening. I would much rather watch this on repeat. (Oh wait, I already do.)

And while we're at it, WHERE THE EFF IS TINKERBELL???

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Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


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Get Ready to Rock Out With Your...Nevermind. It's Thanksgiving, According to This Young Lady.

I've found my new jam to twerk it to, you guys. This is Nicole Westbrook, and she wants you to know that it's Thanksgiving. I don't even know what the story is here, but I do kind of want that dude's turkey hat. But seriously, are we just letting kids do whatever the eff they want to these days? (Sh*t, I'm old.)



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New Music Thursday! (Okay, That's Not a Thing, But It's Thursday. And There's New Music.)

Vampire Weekend played a new song, called "Unbelievers," last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I effin' love VW, so I'm totally into pretty much anything that they do. They're on my "Must See" concert list, but b's pretty much don't do ANY live performances at this point.

via lizlemongifs

So, I'll just have to live my life unrequited. Friggin' balls, man.



Also coming out with a new music teaser, is Ashlee Simpson, with a song called "Bat for a Heart." Hmmmkay. BE WARNED: Don't blast this ish at work. She says the f word roughly three times in this clip. It sounds pretty good, but it's no "Pieces of Me" in this piece. I'll probably like her new stuff, because I'm lame as a mofo.

What do you guys think? Are you into either one of these? Or do I have horrible musical tastes? (NO, I DON'T!)



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rihanna's Expensive Ass Album

pic via ri ri's instagram

Rihanna is coming out with a new album November 16th, called Unapologetic, which is a completely appropriate title. Why? She is selling a "deluxe" copy of the CD for effing $250! IN THIS ECONOMY?!? ( I really love saying that.) But seriously, that's friggin' insane. According to US Weekly, here's what you get for that quarter thou:

Described as a "limited edition art piece for a true collector," the Diamonds Executive Platinum Box comes packed with super-exclusive extras, including a handwritten personal note from the star and a custom-made white-and-silver View-Master with a "vintage reel of never-before-released 3-D images" of her style evolution.

Fans who purchase the set will also get a T-shirt, a two-gigabyte flash drive with Rihanna's photo on it, seven art-print lithographs, seven laptop stickers, a poster, a 40-page book of notes and lyrics, a 20-minute DVD, and a special-edition vinyl record featuring remixes of the hit "Diamonds."

Oh, you get a View-Master! Nevermind, ish is TOTALLY worth it. And she's going to write you a post-it note, or something. Enjoy, richie riches!

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NSFCHB (Not Safe for Cold Hearted B's)

This is a clip from Night of Too Many Stars, which airs on Comedy Central on Sunday, and is an Autism benefit featuring different celebrities doing stuff (I'm such a prolific writer). The video is a duet of Katy Perry and Jodi DiPiazza, who is a child with Autism, singing Firework while Jodi plays the piano. This ish is touching as hell, so don't watch it if you want to retain your b face status at work (or wherever -- I'm not up in your life like that) today. But seriously, watch it. It's sweet as a mofo.

Okay, b face reactivated.

via huffington post



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Where's My Dirty B, and Who is This Imposter?!?

pic via daily mail

This is ALLEGEDLY a picture of Ke$ha, but I'm calling shenanigans on that mess. I mean, her lady flower is covered up with fabric that isn't made from fishnet! She's wearing a BUTTONED UP COLLAR! HER HAIR IS FRESHLY LAUNDERED! She has an effin' blow out. No, this is not Ke$ha. This isn't even Kesha. I think that this is Stephanie Pratt from The Hills.

AmIright? Someone hurry and get Ke$ha some glitter before this ish gets out of hand. Is there a glitter and dirt shortage right now? Maybe that would explain it. I officially look 250% dirtier than Ke$ha right now. What is happening???



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Ready or Not...

pic via wyclef's twitter

When the Fugees were singing that song, this is NOT what I had in mind. Yesterday was Wyclef Jean's 43rd birthday, and this is how he celebrated -- posing for his own Wyclef + Motorcycles + Baby Oil = Hey Sexy (or not) 2013 Calendar. He's taking pre-orders now, people. Get enough for everyone you know, will be selling like cold cakes.

We are not ready for your jelly, Wyclef. Not ready. It's too much.


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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

You guys are going to hate my ass, but I am having a total Ke$$$$$$ha moment lately. Her new song is totally ear wigging the hell out of my brain, so I came up with some ways to get all Kesha-ed out, without actually rubbing dirt (and possible body fluids) on yourself. Read my tips over on the Allure blog.


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It's Just Getting to Be Too Much. (AKA The New Christina Aguilera Video)

I think that the time has come to give up the shenanigans. I am not saying that Aggy is old. We are the same effing age. So, with complete empathy and understanding I say to you, dear lady -- isn't is time to stop faux beej-ing/killing dudes with your sex in bathrooms? Listen, I dress myself like a confused five year old that idolizes Russell Brand, so I totally get it. Being in your 30's is hard. But when you are almost old enough to run for President, it might be time to stop wearing dresses that you buy in a ziploc bag from the adult novelty store. We're getting old, boo boo. And that's why...

pic via mr hankey

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HOPPY WEEKEND (Don't Worry, I Totally Hate Myself for That Horrendous Pun. Gross.)

                                                                     via buzzfeed

You are welcome for your new ringtone.

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Only Watch This Ish if You Truly, Truly Hate Yourself

I watched this entire Nickelback video. What does that even say about my life? This is the latest Nickelback video, starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld, not Britney Spears' 55 hr long husband. That might have been better.) It's hard to know where to rest your eyes while watching this. I couldn't make eye contact with homeboy's turrrible rug, that's for damn sure. And that font? Don't get me started. The highlight is Brooke Burns rubbing coffee beans all over her body and flying through green screen space surrounded by coffee cups. I guess?

That's more than five minutes of my sh*tty life that I'll never get back.


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People are Doing Crap to Their Hair, Again. (Plus Cyrus Family Music That's Really Friggin' the Business.)

As I'm sure all of you h's have seen, My Cy (aka Miley Cyrus) cut that hurrr. Here's a collage that I made of some of her Twitter pictures, because I am a twelve year old girl.

Now, here's the thing. I like it. She's young, and this is the time to do this crap. She looks like a sexual(ish) Susan Powter.

With a tiny dash of Kate Gosselin.

Remember THAT haircut? That was tragic. But I'm totally into MC's hair. I'm jealous that I can't pull off that mess. But Miley's not the only b in the game that's switching up that rug. Mizz Christina Aguilera also rode that pony.

pic via US Weekly

This, on the other hand, I am not into.  It's just TOO MUCH. Especially for someone of her age. Now I'm not saying b is OLD, but we're the same age. I'm immature as a mofo, and I consider myself about seven years too old to do this jazz. And it's all just a little...Um...(Porny.) But that's a good look! (If that's your thing. And if so, play on, player.)

In another twist of events that turns the tables back to the Cyrus family, I have a new jam, and it's by a band that includes Miley Cyrus' older sister. The band's called Frank + Derol, and the song is called "Barely Love You Too." Click below to download that ish fo' free. You have nothing to lose, and it's seriously freaking the bee's knees. Just download it, and wear out your repeat dealy deal. You are welcome.






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Randy Travis Got Busted for Getting Crunk and Driving While...

pic via E! News

NAKEY! I normally wouldn't even write about a country singer, just because it's not really my deal at the moment, but B WAS NAKED AND CRASHED HIS CAR. How does that happen? But he apparently was wearing a hat, because the picture above is ol' Ran Ran leaving the slammer in some papery scrub deals, barefoot, and WEARING A HAT. You would think that one would at least throw a thong on before climbing behind the wheel. Damn, I'll have what he's having. ALLEGEDLY.

P.S. If he was drinking Arbor Mist, I can die a happy woman.




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I've Been Listening to a Helluva Lot of SWV...

And I think I sound pretty, pretty good with the harmonizing, ladies. And don't worry, I've created an alternate album cover.

I'm pretty sure I've got this in the bag. Email me.



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