I Attempted Beauty Extreme Couponing And Kind Of Sucked (With Quick Product Reviews)

Sometimes I have high hopes for myself in life. These are rare bursts of positivity, but they do happen occasionally. Most recently, I decided that I could save shitloads of money on beauty products through couponing. (Yeah, I had just watching that gluttonous terror of a show Extreme Couponing, but whatever.)

So I ripped out a sad sack stack of coupons and went to CVS. They were having a buy one, get one half off sale on a lot of the cosmetics, so I thought I could save more that way. That's how you do these kinds of deals, right? Right???

Well, I effed up right off the bat.

I found the Sally Hansen Color Foil polish that I've been looking for for a couple months, and it was zero percent off with exactly zero coupons. It was $7.79, and I had to have it. I think that you can tell that I'm going to suck a big one at couponing. (Blatant foreshadowing alert.)

Before I move on to my other coupon happenings, let's talk about this polish. Basically, I wanted a unicorn, and I got a horse with wearing a party hat. Which is still cool and shit, just not slap-someone-across-the-face-with-white-satin-gloves-due-to-excitement cool. I really wanted this polish to be ridiculously shiny. Like, I could catch light and sear people's eyeballs with my nail beds, shiny. Maybe even do it to myself accidentally, then be forced to wear a badass eyepatch, like I've always wanted. That didn't happen. It's pretty much a touch shinier than the Revlon Top Speed Polish in Sterling.

But here's the bigger issue -- because the instructions tell you not to use a base or top coat, this shit is already scratched. And I painted my nails, like, three hours ago. But, it did dry really friggin' fast.

Don't get it twisted after all of my light-to-moderate bitching, I still like the polish, and will totally use it. Just don't expect to cry tears of joy when you see our wedding announcement in the New York Times. I probably won't even send it a Garfield valentine.

Now let's get back to the point of this whole freaking post. I DID actually end up using a couple coupons. I had a $1 off any Maybelline lip product, so I went with the Maybelline Sensational Lipcolor in  Deepest Cherry, which was $7.99 originally. After the coupon and $1.50 in Extra Care bucks I had, the final price came to $5.49. Meh. 

I was actually pleasantly surprised with the texture of this lipstick. It's creamy and moisturizing, but not feather-y, and it doesn't wear off in a weird and blotchy way, but the pigmentation is pretty mediocre. When I picked the shade, I was expecting a deep-ass wine-y/black cherry/(Ron) burgundy color, and when applied, it's more of a berry/raisin/sangria. I'm not mad at it, but, once again, I'm not filled with a burning lust. It's nice. It's fine. Whatever.

All of the Maybelline cosmetics were part of that whole buy one, get one half off sale that I was blathering on about earlier, so I still had to pick another product. I also had a $3 off any Maybelline Dream something-or-other product, so I grabbed the Maybelline Dream Bouncy Blush in Peach Satin, which had a retail price of $7.79. So, after the 50% off thing and the coupon, I paid $.89 for this mofo. Yay-ish!

I like this stuff. I'm not a cream blush connoisseur, due to my oily gross-assness, but this has more of a gel-like texture. It wears well, and didn't make my skin feel significantly more like a greasy bag o' french fries. The color choices are pretty, and it's easy to apply: just dab it on with one of your digits, and go fly a kite or something, I don't know your life. The biggest drawback is that, after using it just once, I feel like I have already used a lot of the product. The dome-y part is already indented, so it's not going to last a hella long time at this rate. Be warned, at al.

Here's the bottom line of my non-extreme couponing non-extravaganza -- I saved $9.40 and spent about $20 on a measly-ass three items. File that shit under "not impressive" in your filing cabinet, and lock it up tight. The sad thing is that I also had a couple of Rimmel coupons, but I only wanted some of those badass Kate Moss lipsticks, and those weren't included. I also had a L'Oreal coupon that I found crumpled up in the bottom of my purse when I got home. So, I clearly I'm the actual worst at trying to be fiscally responsible, and I won't be quitting my day job. If I had a real, adult-like, full-time day job. Iyanla, fix my damn life.




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Try Not To Throw Out Your Back From Laughing News: Farrah Abraham Is Stripping, But Only For Research

pic via farrah's instagram

I know that you have probably writing in your diary every night, just pondering on what Farrah Abraham has been up to lately. Especially since the news broke that Teen Mom, OG edition is coming back to MTV, sans the Abe. Well, here's the short answer -- she's now working at an Austin strip club called Palazio Gentlemen's Club. (People of Austin, go to there and report back. Actually, don't. I think we all know what's doing in that bitch.) But you can quit side-eyeing her in your rude ass head, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY FOR TOP SECRET RESEARCH, YOU D-HOLES. She told E! News:

"A friend of mine works there and I'm researching. I've been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman's club, including cocktailing and dancing. There's management and there's cooking too. It's job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that's what I'm doing. It's how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I'm not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I'm interested in hearing all the women's stories. And while I'm doing it, I'm getting paid. I'm getting paid to play a role and get informed."

So, not only is she stripper-shadowing, she'll be cooking chicken fingers with gourmet dipping sauces (I'm only assuming) up in the club? Let me know when that nevergoingtohappenthing happens. I'll be holding my damn breath. Is anyone CPR certified?

Homie, you can seriously quit playing game with our hearts, because we don't believe all of that silly effery. Breaking news, Fare Bear: no one gives a shit if you want to be a STRIPPER stripper. It's fine. Live your damn life and do what you want. Except making music. Please never, ever do THAT again.




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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Themed Video Roundup That You've Always (Never) Wanted

Did you go see the TMNT movie this weekend? I didn't, because I'm a grown ass woman and too old for that shit. But because of the release, there have been a plethora of ninja turtle-related videos being passed around like a tray of the cheesiest of cheesy hors d'oeuvres.

Let's dive right in, first with some live action (action) from the OG-ish turtles on Oprah's show. Get ready for a cheese-splosion.



This is from 1990, but if you said it was from 1890, I'd be inclined to believe you. Damn, technology, you've come a long way in...almost 25 years. Shit, I'm old.

This whole bit looked like a rejected skit from Chuck E Cheese. The kids' faces in the audience spoke volumes.

They're like, "I'm only here because my mom wanted to take a day off work. I wish I was in computer lab playing Oregon Trail. This is some straight bullshit."

This entire video gave me adjacent-embarrassment issues. Oprah, you've come a long way, baby. And one of those guys in the turtle suits (sorry, did I ruin the illusion?) went on the be Brad Pitt. (No, he didn't.)

Speaking of embarrassment, poor Vanilla Ice.



Not only is he starring in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese commercial, he's playing himself as a current-day stock boy. On one hand, I feel like I wrote this commercial. On the other, times are tough. If this is Ice's real life situation, hook me up with a job, bro. I'll bring in my resume.

With VI's "Go, Ninja, go" moment in mind, let's watch the most adorable TMNT video that's ever been made.



If the real movies contained buckets of fat and sleepy pugs, I would be there on MF-ing opening night. With a jumbo popcorn and Twizzler straw for my drink.

me, trying to get the last piece of popcorn

You're welcome for inserting "Go, Ninja, go, Ninja, go," deeeeply into your brain areas. Send your hate mail directly to me c/o Vanilla Ice, because he'll probably be my shift manager at my new job.




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Beauty Science Fair: Avocado Hair Mask Edition

Remember elementary school science fairs? The white backboards that were Elmer's-glued to the gills with construction paper, diapers bursting with food coloring, sprouted potatoes -- that shit was so stressful. But one great thing about the forced attendance to these science fairs was gleaning all of that random ass childhood knowledge without having to actually do the boring work.

So that's really what I'm doing here (well, the grown lady/cheapass/low rent version). I'll do all the work with the beauty experiments and you can reap the benefit of the results, ranging from good to crap.

For today's experiment, I'm taking on a DIY avocado mask and tracking the results, in the style of the Scientific Method. Remember the Scientific Method? Sorry for bringing back your third grade anxieties. Get out your four color pen and take notes.

Purpose: To get hair that's as shiny as a mofo.

Hypothesis: If you blend together some seemingly innocuous avocado and other food stuffs, maybe your hair will get all healthy and glossy glossy.

Procedure: I searched the ol' World Wide Web until I found this recipe for an avocado hair mask that contained all ingredients that I already possessed. Because you know that my too-lazy-to-refill-my-water-glass ass isn't going to actually leave the house to buy some nonsense. I mean, this whole thing really came about because I had an avocado that I bought a week ago with the idea that I was going to make guacamole, then I got shitty and let it go half bad. So here's what you need:

• Your own kind of shitty avocado (a normal one, not a dinosaur-sized huge one)
• 1/4 c of olive oil
• 1 Tablespoon of lemon juice

I put everything in a bowl and mixed it up, and started to notice how Josie Grossie this crap looked.

The texture of the mixture was straight-up (now tell me) guh-ross. I kept thinking stuff like, "Is this what baby poop looks like? Is this what baby poop feels like?" I must have a weird baby poop thing. I wasn't aware. But it was grossing me out.

It says to use it on damp hair but that's just too much damn work, and homie don't play that, so I just kind of squished it all over my head. Then I waited an excruciating 20 minutes. (Okay, it wasn't excruciating. It was moderately bleh.)

But seriously, how effing gross does this look? My expectations for the outcome of this hot mess were lowered to say the least.

After the 20 minutes, I got into the shower and rinsed and shampooed my hair. I would file the way it felt under "meh." So I slapped a light conditioner on and immediately rinsed it out. I followed up with my regular ol' basic bitch hair routine when I got out, which is a spray leave-in conditioner and an Argan oil serum. My hair felt normal, with a dab of dryness.

Analysis: I usually have a semi-hard (heh) time brushing through my hair when I'm blow drying it, and I can never just blow dry and go. I have to curl or flat iron (or air-dry and leave it the hell alone) to keep it from looking slightly puffy and pre-styling tools middle school-y. A bitch that can do a blowout and call it a day, I am not.

But I found that I could easily run a round brush through my hair, which pretty much never happens. And as my hair dried, it was looking as smooth as that terrible Santana/Rob Thomas song. My ends weren't weird and my mop was shining bright like a diamond, circa 2012. (I apologize for the surplus of dated musical references. I've had wine and it's late.)

Conclusion: I was wholly prepared to be all, "My hair feels like a greased-up porcupine's b-hole," right to your face, but I was wrong. Like a big dummy. This shit is the bee's knees. The only con to this whole deal was that my oily roots were oily, so I would probably hit up the shampoo twice. Rinse and repeat et al.

Overall, my hair feels amazing. It hasn't feel this soft 'n' silky in recent times. It's like Jennifer-Aniston-when-her-hair-was-at-its-peak-levels of dopeness. I know that this all seems hyperbolic, but I AM NOT OVERSELLING THE FEELINGS OF MY HAIR RIGHT NOW. You know that I don't care about things enough to oversell them. Especially not avocados.

Sorry, avocados.





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On This Extremely Sad Day In Celebrity News, Courtney Stodden Is Our Rainbow

via stodd's instagram

You guys, I can't talk about the very sad thing that happened today. I tear up just thinking about it, even though this terrible thing happened to a person that I don't know. I just hate knowing that someone is in that dark of a place, stranger or not. So I want to take this moment to say that I love and completely treasure the handful of you that are reading this, and to squeeze your loved ones as much as possible.
__________________________________________________

I had to draw a line there, because everything that follows just seems even more ridiculous considering the circumstances. So please forgive my horrible soul, but it's now back to doing stuff like talking about weens and posting ridiculous cat gifs.

Or more pointedly (Get it? Yes, I still spell out "boobs" on calculators.), the big news that the Jackie O and JFK of our times, Courtney Stodden and her estranged husband Doug Hutchison, are back together! And RE-ENGAGED! That's not a thing, but let's them have it.

via eonline

I mean, if these two authentic love birds can't fly off into the sunset together, what hope do we all have? It's like seeing the raw passion from every Danielle Steele novel in print encompassed in one photo. Avert your eyes, H8RZ. Cheers to love.





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A Scene From The Saved By The Bell Lifetime Movie Is Here, And It's The Best Worst Thing Ever

YOU GUYS. It's almost time for the masterpiece that is The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (cool name, dude) to be thrust upon our souls. (It comes on September 1, so clear your MF-ing palm pilots for that day, YOU'RE BUSY.)

If this sneak-peek is any indicator of the class of film that we have in store, we are in for a massive-ass treat. This shit looks terrible. But that should come as no surprise, because the "movie" is somewhat based on Dustin Diamond's book that he wrote about his experiences on the show. And if you've ever seen anything from real-life Screech Powers, he's kind of known to be (ALLEGEDLY) a pretty tool-y tool.

Side-stepping those issues, who are these actors? I feel like Napoleon Dynamite might have been the casting director. Here's a dramatic recreation of how I think casting went:

Casting person/director/I don't know these things: "Hey, assistant person, I need for you to find any group of four white people, an African American person and a Hispanic person. Doesn't matter who. Oh, and grab some blonde hair dye, an eyebrow pencil and as many pairs of pleated pants as you can find. And if they still make those bendy hair roller things, get some of those. 

Assistant person:
 

Aaaaaaand scene.

All of those things being said, I can't wait to watch the shit out of this. Assistant, bring me my Filofax so I can set it aflame to clear my schedule forever and ever.



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Happy (Almost) Friday, Here's A Video Of Me At A Party

I really needed to share this video just in case you ever invite me to do something. If I come (which I really won't), this is exactly what I will do the ENTIRE TIME. I'm the worst kind of person.

All I need in this life of sin is me and this dog friend. Ride or die to the very end, just me and this dog friend. (Me and this dog friend.)



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