Want To Win The September Allure Sample Society Box?

Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.

If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

After getting nostalgic for the teen flicks of yesteryear (they don't make that shit like they used to, et al), I wrote a fun little ditty for Allure this month featuring some of my all-time favorite teen movie queens and their flawless beauty looks.

If you want to see the homies I chose, you can check it out here. If not, I still love you.



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Sex Up Your Eyes In One(ish) Step

Last week, I told you how to make your face that of a bad mofo in a snap. This week, we're going on the world's shortest magical journey from blah eyeballs to sexy time orbs. Get your freak on.

This is where we are starting. With a face that says, "I'm a perfectly nice person. Everything is fine." And also maybe, "I'm a woman of a certain age and I need several catnaps."

Luckily, we can kick up the sexy in (almost/kind of) one step. Just grab your favorite black eyeliner and meet me back here. I'll be using the Maybelline Master Kajal in Onyx Rush that CVS Beauty Club sent me a while back, but you can use whatever the hell you feel like, as long as it's black and sensual. (I don't know what that means, per se.)

First, line your upper and lower waterlines and your upper lash line.

Then smudge only the upper lash line. Now here's the biggest part: Take a matte black shadow and pat it on both your waterline and your upper lash line. This will not only keep that shit from wandering all about your face (especially if you're an oily flower like myself), but will up the boldness by several notches. Like 37 notches. Well-endowed notches.

That's it! Sexual realness in (mostly) one step. I know, you're all, "But it's just smudgy black eyeliner." Kind of, but that last eyeshadow step is what makes those peepers look like your residential address is 1234 Sexy Mofo Lane, Smolder, Colorado. I promise your sweet ass.

The finished product has my face saying, "I work part-time as a sex machine. Or something. But not WORK work." Well, in my case it says more, "I have no idea how to be sexual and I still need a damn nap," but you get the point.

And just in case you forgot what my OG mug looked like, here's a little comparison. Okay, I now totally get why people are all, "Are you sick? Is it the Black Plague? Should I leave?" when I don't wear eyeliner. I GET IT NOW, WORLD. I GET IT.

via realitytvgifs

It won't happen again.








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Allure Outrageous Beauty: The Cellulite Cupping Massage

Rubbing suction cups all over your legs doesn't really sound like it would do much. Except maybe tickle. Spoiler alert: It tickled like woah.

If you want to see if the cupping massage actually had any effect on my cellulite, watch and see what's up. And if you don't have any cellulite, and this video doesn't pertain to you at all, then:

I'm sorry. I'm jealous. Want to trade genetics? (That was not a pick-up line.) This isn't going well. Bye.





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Just In Case Your Monday Sucked, Here's A Sleeping, Quacking Cat

I think I might need a cat, man. I've always been in the camp of "kittens are cute as shit, cats are kind of whatever," but cats are seeming pretty baller lately.

Take this little fluff muffin. Homie straight up HATES coughing, and doesn't care who knows it. I don't blame this cat. There's nothing worse than some rude bitch trying to ruin your sleep business with noise, when all you're trying to do is lie with a pair of balls. RUDE.

If that wasn't enough to wipe the Monday out of your brain, here's a cat with a mustache.

source

If that STILL didn't help, go eat some cheese or something. Cheese helps 90% of problems.



Especially night cheese. Do you.



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Hope You Have Your Apocalypse Preparedness Kit Ready -- Here's The Selfie Hairbrush

via selfie brush website

The end is nigh, man. I am ashamed to report (like April O'Neil) that there is an actual product called the Selfie Brush. And, no, this isn't a Mom Jeans-esque SNL skit. This is real, actual life.

 I have so, so many issues with this thing. Here are some of them:

• Why?
• The double fedora action above.
• The way the girl on the right's shirt is tied.
• The way a person would look talking on this. It would be worse than those old timey handset things.
• Why?
• There are only 4.3% of purses that could accommodate that beast.
• I really don't care to rub my phone through my dirty-ass hair. (Yes, I have a hygiene problem.)
• How do you even hold this when you're using your actual phone for actual phone things?
• No, seriously, WHY?

What hurts the most is that this thing is made by the Wet Brush people, and I would sell 37% of my teeth to always have one of those puppies. Why are you effing with us so, Wet Brush People? Just keep those glorious Wet Brushes coming.

via selfie brush website

If you want to buy one of these for everyone you hate, you can buy them here. Jesus, take the wheel. This is exactly why we can't have nice things.




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The DuckTales Theme Song Starring Actual Ducks Is Just What Humanity Needs

In these trying times of Bieber ATV-related arrests and Miley nips (see below), these adorably fluffy mother efffers are here to save the world. Or rewrite history.

I used to watch DuckTales and Captain Planet every day before school, so this bit of nostalgia is seriously the best thing I've seen in at least three days. The duck with the bow on her head???

It's too adorable. I can't handle it. And Scrooge McDuck swimming (nude in this instance -- risque!) in his gold? Help, I need to hold a baby duck immediately.

Just in case you have a case of oldie brain (like me), here's the OG version for science.



I can't wait to see live duck versions of all of my favorite TV show intros: KIDS Incorporated, Golden Girls, 90210, Orange is the New Black...It's all coming together, world. It's all coming together.



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