The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail

Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?

You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.

But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.

I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



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BREAKING NEWS: Prince Harry Visits America, Looks Hot.

I've never been one of those hoes that's like, "I LOVE REDHEADS. THEIR GINGERY-NESS IS SOOO SEXY." Actually, my mom is one of those people, and therefore, gross. But I will say that I have, on occasion, thought that ginger dudes are sexy and sh*t. And Prince Harry is a fine ginger specimen, especially considering that I always thought that William would be the hot b*tch. Well, color my ass wrong. PH has been visiting 'Merica the past few days, so here's my virtual Princely ginger stalking round up.

"Round of applause if you like my bangs, guys. And thanks, England, for sending the hot one."

Even this lady business looking curtain is into it.

"America, please calm your ovaries." -PH "We can't." -America

Just how exactly does one apply to be in the British military? I'm asking for a friend.

Doing hot English sh*t. But the horse's tail looks like a Hell's Angel dude's ponytail.

"So then, I says to him...I says, 'If you delete Basketball Wives ONE MORE TIME from the DVR'..."

B's waiting to try to get down on sexy cinnamon spice PH. Homegirl in the sneaks ain't playin'

Bye, Price Harry. Come on back any time, now, ya'hear?

U.S.A.! U.S.A! I'm not packing my bags for England right now, like, at all. (England! England!)


PH pics via USA Today

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You Dirty Beach: How to Look Like a Sexy Beach Nymph

I just have to buck up and admit that it's pretty much summer. Which kind of sucks, because it's hot as sh*t, and the air in my car doesn't really work, and this is all just leading to a butt load of grossities. But there is one thing that's Summery that I'm actually into. I really love the whole boho-y, slightly dirty, beachy look (even thought I hate the beach), and it's an easy, super sexy summer look.

Tousled Hair and Sh*t

I feel like I (and pretty much every effin' other b with a keyboard) have talked about beachy waves until all of our reading eyeballs have bled and our hair has rejected surf spray. BUT there's a reason why no one will shut the hell up about it -- it's hot. I am of the type that blow dries my hair, waves it out with a curling wand or flat iron, and sprays with surf spray to look like I slept on a sexy beach the night before. Some of you may be able to get away with spritzing your damp hair with surf spray and letting it air dry, and end up looking amazing. I call people like you b*tches. (Jealousy is a helluva thing.) Or if you are feeling low maintenance, throw your hair into a messy side braid and call it a damn hair day.

Bronzed Goddess Makeup

make up for ever aqua shadow in 22e pearly copper, $20 at sephora

I have a few different colors of this MUFE Aqua Shadow that they sent me a long time ago, but this shade one is one of my favorites, and works perfectly for this look. This is one of the easiest beauty products in the history of time (which you know my lazy ass loves), because you literally draw on your eye, blend, and get the eff out. And if you're crazy, unsexy, oily like myself, it works really well as a base for a powder shadow. It's great blended under the eye, too, to really amp up the sexy beach nymph deal. Add some black, smudgy eyeliner to your upper lash line, and you have found yourself a sexy b*tch.

Glow That Azz B and Let Me See What You've Got

moroccanoil shimmering body oil, $45

To complete the complete beach beyotch transformation, you've got to glow up that bod like J Lo's employees are instructed to do. The MoroccanOil people sent me this Shimmering Body Oil to try, and just like all of their other products, this ish is guuuurd. It doesn't look like you got Ke$ha glitter bombed when you use it.

sorry, brit brit, yeahhhnoooo

It's more of a glimmery glow. I made my cousin use it on her wedding day on her chest and arms, and she loved the crap out of it. Watch your ass, Alba's of the world -- we're coming for your ass.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video

Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:

• Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
• Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
• Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
• LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
• Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
• Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
• Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
• Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
• Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
• Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
• Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
• Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
• Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
• Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK

These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.

Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)

Yes. Bye, b*tch.

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Adding Crack-y Fuel to My Crazy Addiction: Lip Chap Edition

This is usually how I feel in life, and there are deep roots to this issue --

NO, I don't have a drug addiction issue, I have a LIP PRODUCT ISSUE. See, I took Accutane for acne when I was 15 or 16, and it caused my lips to be so mother effing dry that they cracked and peeled all around my mouth. It was a sexy, sexy time, and I had to keep some kind of lip sh*t on my person at all times. So ever since then, I've been all...

YES, IT'S A FLAVOR OF LOVE 2 REFERENCE. GET ON BOARD.

To say that I've tried a trabajillion kinds of chapsticks, treatments, blams, blahhhhhs is (hardly) an exaggeration. And I have now added some beast level sh*t to my arsenal.

me & the girls mentha revive lip moisturizer lipstick topper and base, $7

Meet the Mentha Revive Lip Moisturizer Lipstick Topper and Base from me & the girls -- This. B*tch. I am in love with this w. With full disclosure, I haven't used it as a base or topper for lipstick, because I can't even make it there. I just want solo time with this stuff. It's like a hybrid Kenny G/Michael Bolton of mullets in the lip balm world; all smoothness, with business in the front and party in the back.

yeah, boo. it's that smooth.

Plus, it's good for your ass (not your ASS ass) and vegan. Check out more deets and get your own here, because I'm not sharing this lip chap with you b's. MY LIPS FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE BUTTER ON THEM, AND BUTTER IS DAMN DELICIOUS.

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