Fake Your Way to a Knocked Up Glow

We all know by now that the Duchess of somewhere (formerly common-type lady known as Kate Middleton) is pregnant with the royalest royal baby that's ever royaled. Sidebar: What if it comes out all ginger-y and Prince Harry like? Wouldn't that be awesome? Okay, I'm getting off track. Pregnant ladies are known for having that lovely ass glow of life, or something. But what about for people like me, who will probably never have a kid-in-the-uterus type situation happening? I'm more of the "fly solo around the world and die alone" type. (Possibly RIP, Ameila Erhardt.) Don't cry for me, Argentina, it's just my personality. I'd rather read 2.7 million books alone. (I had a sh*t ton of Book It free personal pan pizzas racked up when I was a kid.) Luckily, I have pawed through a lot of beauty products to MANUFACTURE THE GLOW. 

tarte amazonian clay blush in natural beauty, $25 & nars blush in orgasm, $28

I have found a beast of a combo when it comes to glowing cheeks. I start with tarte's amazonian clay blush (I use the color Natural Beauty, but you can do whatever rocks your ish.) for staying power. NOTHING stays on my oily mug like this blush does. Then I like to top it off with Nars blush in Orgasm, to give the cheeks a little shimmer and glow.

chanel's lucky stripes iridescent powder, $95 & physician's formula pearls of perfection, about $13

If you are looking for an all over face glow, I have found two great products at opposite ends of the rich b*tch scale. I was given the Chanel Lucky Stripes sometime/somewhere, and have found it to be quite friggin' delightful. I find myself using it when I want to be all glowy-faced and a pretty, pretty princess. But let's be real -- ish is expensive. If you are a little lighter in the pocketbook (I'm looking at myself), then the Physician's Formula Pearls of Perfection is a little more realistic. It's not AS great as the Chanel powder, but it's pretty damn good for a drugstore product, so don't cry over it and sh*t.

davine's nounou illuminating conditioner, $22.50 at drugstore.com

What about pregnant lady hair? I've always heard that they have great hair days, like for nine months. Must be hormones. Freaking science, man. I have been loving davine's Nounou Illuminating Conditioner to keep my hair looking flossy, lately. It's super gentle, and moisturizes hair without being heavy and gross.

Now don't be offended if people ask if you're expecting. It's not your empire-waited top, it's your gorgeous ass glow. Glow worms have nothing on you, boo!




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rose McGowan's...Errrm...Something

I was planning on making Pizza Hut's pizza-scented perfume today's GUUUUUURL, but then I came across these pictures of Rose McGowan.

via buzzfeed

There are a couple of issues here. First off, Rose might actually look worse than I do as a blonde. I think Rose is gorgeous, usually, but something is...hmmmm..weird here. And also --

Is it me, or is she giving off a total Candy Spelling vibe here? I equal parts can't put my finger on it/can't look away. And let's be real, that sweater isn't helping the sitch, either. How does a person that was once engaged to Marilyn Manson don a festive ass Christmas sweater like that?

I mean, remember ALL OF THIS? Homegirl was naked and wearing strippery chain mail. I saw every no no spot that ever existed on a human, and now woven prancing deer? It really is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. My feelings on these pictures can pretty much only be summed up with this.

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Yo! Let Me Solve Your Problems.

Remember when I asked you guys for your beauty problems? Well, it wasn't because I'm a nosy ass b. I'm solving your issues, in a new segment I'm calling "Problem Solvers!" Watch and see hilarity not ensue.

And keep telling me all of your problems!


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Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

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Random Homie: My Well Kept Drugstore Secret (Because I'm a Shady, Shady B)

Way back in my late college days, and right after (So about 1923. No!), I discovered a brand of eye liner that quickly became my all-time favorite go to. But, I couldn't find it all the time, and I then found myself discovering it less and less often, until I couldn't find it at all. That's why I was never able to share my find with all of you fine citizens. The brand is Styli-Style, and luckily for us all, it is back in this mofo! They sent me a bunch of products to try from the brand new re-launch, and here are my favorites.

Line & Seal 24 Semi-Permanent Eye Liner in Black Glitter, $5.99

This liner is my boo thang that I was completely raving about. It seriously lasts until you remove it, no nonsense about it. If you are oily, or just want your liner to last until you are an 89 year old woman in a rocking chair, this ish is right up your proverbial alley. I have been using it on the daily since I got it, and it is just as awesome as I recalled. No dumb rose colored glasses, here.

Lip Paint Liquid Lipstick in Tres Chic, $5.99

I also tried the Lip Paint liquid lipstick in two colors -- Tres Chic (above) and Country Girl. I was totally into these shining stars, as well. They are super shiny, and fade well, as you can see on the bottom lip pic. I friggin' hate lip products that fade into a crappy, blotchy ass, mess, and many of them do. Not the case here. And the applicator brush is a little stiffer (heh) so the application is precise.

Here's my wrinkly, old gamgam hand with all of the colors on it. Pretty ish, and totally reasonably priced. I'm so glad Styli-Style is back on my scene, and I can start buying this mess again! You can try it for yourself my finding a location near you here, or being a complete lazy ass and buying here online. I vote lazy style, but I always do.



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I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...

But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...

The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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Random Homie: tarte Girl Meets Gloss 5-Piece Maracuja Gloss Collector's Set

Full disclosure here, people: I don't do holiday gift set reviews/holiday sales/your auntie's favorite cookie recipe contest, or any other holiday-related writing. Why?

I don't like the holiday season. It's stressful, annoying, and kind of makes me want to punch faces even more than the rest of the year. Don't try to convince me otherwise, I WILL NOT change my mind. I read The Grinch Who Stole Christmas when I was a kid, don't even try me, b's. But I am making ONE exception to the anti-holiday set rule.

Sephora, $36 ($105 value)

When the tarte people sent me the Girl Meets Gloss set, I kind of lost my ish. Because I am kind of completely obsessed with tarte products. I have truly never had something from them that I didn't absolutely love more than Ron Swanson.

The kit includes:

5 x 0.11 oz Maracuja Divine Shine Lip Glosses in Bubbly (sheer rose), Curious (sheer petal), Preppy (bubble-gum pink), Chic (watermelon berry), and Sparks (cotton candy). 

I really do love every damn color. There's not one that I'm all, "Meh. You are the worst." about. Seriously.

Super sexual, right? They are all sheer enough that I feel like no matter your skin tone, anyone can wear these puppies -- and the shine is insane. The only slight negative about the glosses is the applicators are the kind that have the little button that you click on the bottom, and the first time you use them, you might get carpal tunnel from clicking to get the product up to the brush. But once that ish is on your lips, you will forget all about the silly click-fest. Know that.

Get yo' own sexy lips here.



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