I Can't Even Think Of A Witty Headline, Because Miley Cyrus Has A Bowl Cut

To be honest, I don't even know what to say here, except that Mi Cy must be really trying to out-do her dad in the haircut department. If that's the case, homegirl is killing it. Trust me, I know that your 20s are a huge time of experimentation and finding yourself and all of that effery, but GD-it, this is one step over the line sweet Jesus.

pics via huffington post

Miley looks like she just was just rejected from guest starring on the OG version of 90210 as a new Beverly Hills High rabble rouser that's trying to get Donna to "do" pot. Or Kelly's sister that was given up for adoption, and is now back to try to take over her life and sleep with Dylan.

Miley, listen to Brenda, and get the eff out of here with that hair. You can come back when you want to be serious.






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The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...

JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY

Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.

What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).

I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline

Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews

Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs

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How To Get Hair So Glossy That It Might Blind a B*tch.

If this were last year, I would have totally called this post "Hair That Shines Bright Like A Diamond," but as per ush, my ass is a day late and a dollar effin' short. Either way, I've got some super simpleton tips to get locks so shiny and glossy that they will inspire a new fairy tale entitled, "Glossy Locks." Duh.

Get Rid of the Josie Grossie-ness

the clarifyers: apple cider vinegar and clarifying shampoo

One of the biggest culprits of dull head hairs is excess buildup of gross sh*t like products and residue. Think of it this way -- your hair can hang on to stuff like your favorite pair of black leggings. After the day is done, you've got errrythang from Cheetos fingerprints to blanket lint all up on that mess.  You need something to get a clean slate.

That's where clarifying treatments come in. There are a couple of roads you can take to Shine Town, and one of my favorites routes is apple cider vinegar. I've used ACV for a ton of sh*t from facial toner to drinking it on the daily, but we can get into all that hootenanny later. The ACV hair rinse is crazy easy; just mix equal parts ACV with water, then apply to your hair by just dumping it over or by spritzing it on with a spray bottle after you finish shampooing. Leave it on for a few minutes, rinse, and your ass is done.

If that seems too granola for your beauty routine, don't worry. Neutrogena makes a great, cheap clarifying shampoo that works quite nicely. I recommend clarifying, in whatever effin' way works for your life, once a week for normal heads, or twice a week for oily messes (AKA me). But one word of warning, if you have very delicate hair, or like fire engine red dyed hair, consult a pro before doing any of this. I don't want to get any hate Hallmark cards because I ruined your hair game.

Use a Gloss-inducing Conditioner

molton brown london plum-kadu glossing conditioner, $30

As you can tell from this well-loved bottle of glossing conditioner that the Molton Brown peeps sent me, I'm way into glossy ass conditioners. Whenever I use this stuff people are all, "Why's your hair so damn shiny?" And I'm all, "Why are you up in my business?" (Just kidding, I thank them like a normal human.) This sh*t is the truth.

Here's the deal with condtioners -- you don't necessarily need a really heavy, moisturizing conditioner when looking for shiny hair. Sometimes heavier conditioners end up leaving hair looking dull and weighed down, so instead look for something that screams SHINE, SHINY, GLOSSY, FLOSSY B*TCH all over it. That's the ticket.

Bonus Tip: Right before you get out of the shower, blast your mop with really cold water. It seals in that really shiny shine.


Get Yo' Oil On

my b's: kitoko oil treatment and josie maran argan oil hair serum

I've talked about these little beauts before, but I'm still Beyoncé-style crazy in love with hair oils. Nothing else makes my hair feel as glossy and luxurious as these badass boys. The good good on hair oils are that they do great ish like keep your hair cuticle smooth, while protecting hair from the medieval torture devices of flat irons and curling wands, without weighing down and getting hair all filmy. If you haven't jumped on this friggin' bandwagon yet, I don't know what you're waiting on, but it's time, yo.

Bonus Tip: If you STILL need more shine, try a clear hair glaze to just get ridiculous amounts of gloss in this b.

Your hair's going to be so shiny, the world best be wearing shades.



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My New Favorite Dry Shamps, When You've Had Too Much Champs

I was at a friend's wedding this past weekend, and needless to say, my ass shut that sh*t down. The red wine, champagne and dancing was flowing like The River Runs Through It, and I was totally partaking.

So when the next annoying as eff, sunshiny day rolled around, and I had to be at work in, like, ten minutes, I turned to my new lazy BFF. My newest enemy to oily, gross hair is the Macadamia Natural Oil Volumizing Dry Shampoo, that the nice people of Macadamia Natural Oil Hair people sent me a few weeks ago.

macadamia natural oil volumizing dry shampoo, $25 at ulta.com

There are a few things that I look for in a ride or die dry shampoo -- it has to actually work (friggin' duh), it can't leave white mess all up on my noggin, and it better smell good. Well this stuff knocks all three of those criteria right out the damn park.

I can't tell you how many "GREAT ON BRUNETTE HAIR" dry shampoos (from super reputable brands) I have tried that did absolutely nothing to my hair, leaving it still looking like a hot ass, oily mess post-spritz. Not cool, man. Or the ones that work wonderfully, but leave my dark hair looking like I have a George Washington-cutting-down-the-ol'-cherry-tree-sporting-wooden-teeth wig on. So when I find a dry shamp that works like a dream, smells like angel armpits (I imagine they smell delightful), and is truly invisible, 'tis a good day.

My only infant-sized gripe about this beautiful goodness? I wish it were a smidge larger, 'cause I'll be using up this can tout suite, with my oily ass.

You can check it out for yourself from Ulta, here.




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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Weekend Update: Justin Timberlake Totally Got the Color Me Badd Haircut.

I mean, seriously, bro, could you LOOK anymore like this dude? (Chandler Bing voice.)

No, not shoulder-padded-not-really-cute-enough-to-be-in-Milli-Vanili, and not Kenny-G-stole-the-suit-from-The-Mask. Not even Hoops McPosing4mylyfe. I'm talking the Ozzy Obsourne eyewear thief in the back. The only difference is C.M.B. dude's brows are tweezed thinner than Kate Moss' ass in the 90's.

Exhibit B:



I rest my case on that sh*t. And the worst part is, this isn't even JT's most unfortunate haircut.

Never forget.

RIP doucherows and the weirdest rectangular brows I've ever seen.

Peace be with you, Little Orphan Annie hair.

And, of course,  a big l'chaim to the Ellen-with-a-spiral-perm days. I just feel bad for the b*tch that has to hair wrangle the ish of that mop and flat iron and pomade ever piece to death.

Next time, just get "the Rachel," champ.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Quick Sh*t: Bradley Cooper's Hair is Trying to Copy Gwen Stefani

Remember when Gwen Stefani had this hair?

And this?

And this?

Now, Bradley Cooper is trying to make this happen:

via buzzfeed

Nope. America as a whole rejects this idea, BC. I asked every single human person. No, I didn't, but I know that they agree.

Hair -- you're doing it wrong, Bradley Cooper.



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I've Been Making It Rain With the Shamps (and Conditioner).

I'm weirdly picky when it comes to shampoo and conditioner combos. I know, shocking, considering I don't give an eff about anything. So I currently have an unusual situation happening. I was sent samples of three different shampoo and conditioner deals, from three different brands, AND I LOVE ALL OF THOSE B'S. I couldn't even pick one that I was feeling the most, so eff it, I'll talk about all three, BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Yep, it's like that. And you know what else it's like?

This. Because if you aren't into Jackee Harry and Dolly Parton shaking their sh*t in insane space-y garb, I can't even with your ass. Now let's get to business.

Eufora Beautifying Exilirs Bodifying Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- citrus-y, fresh stuff. (I'm the worst at describing smells. Good. It smells good.)

Yeah, Science! -- These Eufora products contain the Vibrant Color Complex, which you can read about by clicking, because, science. Plus, the  entire line of nine products is "based in an ALL Plant Essence of Sage and Thyme and contains ZERO water or fillers. In addition, Beautifying Elixirs does not contain: Artificial Aromas, Colorants, Sulfates, Parabens, Gluten, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Propylene Glycol, Sodium Chloride, Phthalates, Formaldehyde." Okay, so it smells herb-like. But not gross herbs. I promise!

Why I Love This Ish -- My hair is really fine, so it makes my hair way more voluminous. The conditioner is really lightweight, but moisturizing, which is a major feat. This combo is seriously s'mores-levels of amazingness. It has turned a tiny part of my coal heart into a diamond.

Price -- Get these badass b's for $28.50 for the shampoo and $29.99 for the conditioner. Click here to find out more about the products and find a salon near you that sells it.

Evolution Keratin Moisturizing Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- sexy, perfume-ish fragrance. Like a Pantene/Biolage hybrid, so obviously, delish.

Yeah, Science! -- These puppies are made for hair that has had a keratin treatment, so they're gentle and moisturizing, and great for color-treated hair. They contain that good good like Argan oil and vitamin E, and don't have the bad bad like sulfates and sodium chloride.

Why I Love This Ish -- This stuff just feels sumptuous, like a spa day that takes place on a rose petal. My hair always feels soft and hydrated after using these mofos. Silky haired vixen, party of one. (Or more, if you b's are coming. BYOW.)

Price -- $25 for the pair. To purchase, click here, and click here to find out more about these babies.

Van Thomas Concepts Christine Shampoo & Reconstruct Conditioner

Smells Like -- a Sweet Tart, real talk. Dammit, I'm hungry.

Yeah, Science! -- These homies have something called The Life Complex (sounds sexy) which is made up of keratin, silk proteins, and jojoba oil, and helps replenish nutrients in your hair. It's what TLC named themselves after. (No. No, it isn't.)

Why I Love This Ish -- The combination of these two is pretty damn flawless. The shampoo is really cleansing, then that beast of a Reconstruct conditioner just makes my hair feel healthy, man. Plus, the packaging says cute ish like "This package includes: a new and improved head of hair. Note: not a new and improved you. You already rock." Cue the "AWWWWW" soundtrack!

Price -- You can get the duo for $45, or the shampoo for $18 and the conditioner for $32. Click here to chigity check it.
With all this clean and condition talk, I think I need to go get down on some of these prods. My hair is dirtier than an actual MOP mop right now.

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Walk Up to the Club Like, "What Up? I got a big Wand!" (And a Small One. And Other Sizes.)

Holy eff, you guys. I really need to talk to you about something big in my life right now. And that thing is the ISO Beauty 5 Piece Curling Iron Set, and even bigger than that, curling wands. The nice boos at ISO Beauty sent me this set to try, and I can't keep my damn dirty hands off of it.

iso beauty 5 piece curling iron set, $395

Curling wands are my new jam, and this set is the true boss b*tch. It has five barrel sizes, so you can choose your own adventure, from beachy waves to OG Nicole Kidman.

Okay, maybe not THAT extreme. That's some tight, tight spiral perm-age.

So what's the difference in a curling wand/clipless curling iron and the curling iron you've had since '97? Mainly, the type of curl you'll get. With the old school curling iron, you get more of a classic, barrel-y curl. Here's what the curling wand creates, with different sized barrels:

what happens to old weave? science experiments!

See? Then ends aren't all weirdly crunched up and really curly, like mine tend to be with the Vanilla Ice irons. (That means the old school kind.)

But my favorite thing about clipless curling irons? THIS SH*T IS EASY. No, no. Don't worry about clipping the curling iron arm thing on your hair, then winding it up...blah, blah, blah. That crap is boring. With a wand, you wrap your hair around it, hold it for a few seconds, and done. The combination of this with surf spray creates sexy ass bedhead-y hair that looks like you give zero effs and were just born super hot.

It's that good. And good for lazies like me. And where do I find this cat? And do those glasses come in human versions?

Find out more info on the ISO Beauty 5 Piece Curling Iron Set (or whatever the hell strikes your fancy) here.




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Sonofa B Face, I'm in Love With ANOTHER Hair Oil.

I know, I know. Hair oil, schmair oil -- I feel like I've talked about every kind of hair oil ad nauseum, but when I find some sh*t that I'm super into I have to tell you mofos. It's like a damn sickness. And when I was sampled this Kitoko Oil Treatment, I knew that I had to tell you b's about it, even if it made you hate me (more).

 
Here's what I love about this ish; it's not oily, even if you have thin, fine hair. For those of you with thick ass manes of hair, and can use any ol' ass oil you want, then good on you. (Shut up -- I'm trying to be Born Again British, like Madonna or Gwynnie Patlrow, THE most beautiful human that has ever lived, or something.) But for those of us that are on the thinner (hair) side of things, you usually have to be super careful about toeing that fine line between lustrous and well-moisturized locks and greasy gobs of goop. (There I go again. I've got Gwyneth on the brain.)

don't act like this isn't the best thing you've ever seen. ever.

But you don't have to worry about 99 goopy problems with Kitoko Oil. And here's the science (b*tch):

Kitoko Oil Treatment combines the healing and therapeutic properties of Karité and Argan oils to revitalize, strengthen and condition the hair. It provides intense nourishment and its lightweight formula is perfect for all hair types as it helps restore shine and moisture balance. It helps tame frizzy and uncontrollable hair, alleviates scalp dryness, improves hair’s elasticity and offers instant absorption with a non-greasy feel and no buildup. A few drops help reduce dry time and replenish brittle hair and ends. The color-safe formula contains naturally derived UV filters to help protect hair from environmental damage.

Sounds boss, right? Well how's about this one -- after Shakira's (yes, SHAKIRA) hair stylist used the Kitoko Oil on her hair, homegirl requested that the company send her some to use on her Shaki head in real life. And you know, her hair follicles don't lie. (Ugh, that was terrible.) But seriously, boo boo could afford to use ANYTHING in the world, and she chooses to use this.

 

If it's good enough for Shakira, it's most definitely good enough for my trashy ass. To find a salon that sells the good good that is Kitoko Oil Treatment in your area, look here for more info.





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