Let me start off by actually saying something nice. Single looks good as eff on K Holmie when it comes to the facial and hair areas. Boo boo is looking tons less robotic and dead eyed than she did when she was with lil' man. So "Yay!" for all of that. Now, let's get b*tchy for a hot minute. I cannot look at this dress she wore to the Sandy Relief Concert last night without having total recall of Donatello from TMNT.
B has stick skills.
The purple, the shell abdomen -- it's all there. All K dog needs are these to separate her digits, and she'd be working for Splinter's hairy ass.
Remember THESE monstrosities?!?
Just wear this next time, K bomb, and save yourself the trouble.
Why can't this dude "YOOOOUP" twerk it up in a circle for my birthday? Dammit, Aaron. You're such a damn good gift giving hog. But for real, that was really weird. Why did that man have to wear a skirt? Why did that man have to then lift the skirt? Why do old people love wearing socks and awkward shoe combos? BUT REALLY, WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIFT THE SKIRT???
This is my dog, Wiggy, and we both usually think that everything is the worst, so it just seems apropos at this point. (And, yes, I made a meme of my own dog. Get off my junk.) But you know what isn't the worst? Tickling baby penguins named Cookie.
See, everything ended up okay in the end. Now we won't all be hearing "YOOOOUP" in our dreams, and envisioning undergarments that just can't be unseen.
There are a couple of issues here. First off, Rose might actually look worse than I do as a blonde. I think Rose is gorgeous, usually, but something is...hmmmm..weird here. And also --
Is it me, or is she giving off a total Candy Spelling vibe here? I equal parts can't put my finger on it/can't look away. And let's be real, that sweater isn't helping the sitch, either. How does a person that was once engaged to Marilyn Manson don a festive ass Christmas sweater like that?
I mean, remember ALL OF THIS? Homegirl was naked and wearing strippery chain mail. I saw every no no spot that ever existed on a human, and now woven prancing deer? It really is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. My feelings on these pictures can pretty much only be summed up with this.
I was watching the latest episode of 30 Rock last night, when this abomination came upon my screen -- the dreaded man turtleneck. It was actually a small plot point on the episode. You know, the fact that turtlenecks are TERRIBLE. Even the name is gross. Who would want a neck like a turtle? Have you seen a turtle's neck? Don't agree with me? Hold your mother effin' horses sister, and let us take a 'neck tour.
I'm pretty sure that this is a terrible joke.
A typical turtleneck patron. The cat is sickened to his core.
What in the eff is this Devil's neck maiden???
Mmmmkay. What kind of weird ass door is that? How does it even work?
Well of course. My nemesis surfaces again. P.S. This picture is friggin' creepy.
My case of the sads is almost to overpowering to even make fun of this sh*t. (I said ALMOST, b's.) I'm not going to lie, I've watched this about seven times. And I'm confused about many a thing here, mainly, why this video even exists. Do we really need a tutorial on how to mix cheese and canned chili together and microwave it? Or the least effective way to open a bag of chips? Who exactly is this gentleman, and can I get yo' number? AAAAAND who taught him how to stir stuff? AAAAAND can I be part of your small group?
I really don't even have anything to say, except that if the man even needs someone to come to his basement apartment to watch reruns of The Facts of Life, I'll meet you there. At least I know what we'll be eating. And now, I have to go...
Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?
Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.
I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.
Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?
Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.
I'm sure that you guys recognize this super overly used meme. It's a dude the internets have dubbed "Scumbag Steve." To most, he's just a douchey-looking douche that helps spread more douche, but The Boston Globe actually found this guy, and interviewed him. Please watch the following video, and have the terrible realization that memes are total life truth bombs.
Life imitating art? I can't even with this guy. I'm just going to put this out there -- if you wear a shirt with your own face emblazoned on it, then you are the worst. And if any of you even attempt to listen to this guy's raps, even ironically, I swear on everything I love (so pretty much baby koalas), that I will disconnect your internet. Even dial up. Even free AOL trial disks. I will smash the sh*t out of them.
P.S. My apologies on the auto-play deal on the video. I don't know how to change that crap, I'm not freaking Doogie Howser. I owe you a delicious soft serve ice cream cone.
We are mere MINUTES away from the cinematic moment of the year, no, millennium. Liz & Dick premieres on Lifetime tonight, and I cannot wait for this ish storm. Don't worry, I will be watching and documenting all the good good for a post tomorrow. But first, we MUST discuss this. Did I get reverse-Rip-van-Winkled and it's really the year 2000? Because that is truly the only reasonable explanation for this dress right now. Or that this b stole my circa 2004 lamp shade from my trash and removed the fuzzy boa sh*t, repurposing it into a dress. That is highly possible with ol' Sticky Fingers McTakesalot here.
Let's end on something nice, shall we? I'm glad that Linds is back to being a ginge. That is how I enjoy my crazies most of all. Now it's time for DICK! (And Liz.)
Unfortunately, TMZ leaked this horrible collaboration of Paris Hilton and Lil' Wayne today, and it is really confusing my ass. Why are we still playing this charade with Paris Hilton? 'Tis not 2004 anymore, (not that) young lady. No one was into "Stars are Blind," and we don't want anymore of your baby voice. Especially when the song is so endearingly entitled, "I WANT TO BANG YOU." Not on my watch, b. This is not happening. I would much rather watch this on repeat. (Oh wait, I already do.)
And while we're at it, WHERE THE EFF IS TINKERBELL???
What in the eff kind of nonsense is this, Sir? I am an avid lovers of koala bears, and this crap is scary and all kinds of inappropriate for my mind grapes. (Sidenote: Is it normal for a woman in her 30's to still have a favorite animal? No? Then good thing I'm 26...Shut up!) Even the fake ass koala looks sad as hell. Plus, he has your spittle all over his crotchal area. Rude. I'm even offended that that poor koala has to be next to that shirt you're wearing. I can't see much of your skin tone, but I feel pretty confident that that color is doing NOTHING for you. I am not amused.
And in case you have no idea what I'm talking about (or were born in the 90's), here's a refresher.
Joe Manganiello is a hot, hot b. But this is how I'm used to taking this lollipop:
I know that it's the True Blood off season, or whatever, but that doesn't mean you should be shirking basic hygienic upkeep. I just want to scrub this b with an entire bottle of Mane 'n Tail and then get after his ass with an entire package of disposable Bic razors. I totally understand if you want to let your chub out (oh, wow) when you aren't filming, but this is just way the eff over the top. The hot force is hot with you, J. Mang, so stop working your friggin' hardest to fight it, b*tch.
This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.
Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.
Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.
Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.
Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.
Firstly, is Cindy Lou Who up there taking the Timberlake last name? I feel like you are REALLY missing out if you don't take that name. It sounds like a friggin' rustic Summer's Eve scent. I'm jealous. But I'll tell you what I'm certainly not jealous of -- whatever the eff homegirl has going with her "I'm going to keep my bangs off my face" deal. She seriously looks like every toddler I have ever seen in Target.
I'll use this still watermarked stock file photo because I really felt like a creepy a-hole using some random kid's picture from a mom blog, or something. But seriously. Has JB-T never heard of a couple of bobby pins before? Is she trying to get an endorsement deal with Goody? And according to the description of the photos, this was taken when she was leaving a business meeting. Oh honey, no.
You aren't getting that gig. Unless you were auditioning to play an adult toddler. In that case, you nailed it.
So Scarlett Johansson got a new tattoo...Yep. She sure did. I thought that she might've tattooed it on her own body from the looks of it, but apparently some graffiti artist designed it. Okay. I feel like it would have looked better if one of those bigger-sized My Little Ponies heated up his hoof with a gas station lighter and stomped on homegirl's rib cage. I tried to find a picture of the size of MLP I'm talking about, but instead I found whatever the hell this is:
People are into some weird ish, aren't they? But maybe a dude wearing this outfit tattooed her. That would make a whole lotta sense.
P.S. I'm pretty sure I got flagged by the FBI for being on whatever skeevy ass site I visited getting that picture. Heeeey! (See what I did there?)
I've been posting a lot of semi nude men lately, but this is just crossing (heh) the mofo line. This is Shaun White's Halloween costume. Get it? He's Ariel. (Ginger, tail, dinglehopper...) I secretly have a warm spot (Shut up! It's warms -- in spots -- sometimes.) for ginger dudes. For some reason, I think that they are sexual in one way or another. Two words: Prince Harry. I think it's because I have a red haired recessive gene in my family, and it's nature trying to keep the red huurrr going strong. Whatever. I do find Shaun White's hair sexy, but only if it was on my head. B has some good ass hair, right? So I did a little research, AKA googled, and here's what he says are his hair tips to People in like 2010: “My secret is an awesome new product – called water,” White deadpans.
“It’s pretty curly on its own. I just use the hotel shampoo and
conditioner and wash it every other day, because otherwise it gets huge.
Two days of snowboarding in a helmet helps — it looks better dirtier.”
Today is Vanilla Ice's 45th birthday, you guys. (Damn, I'm an old b.) And in celebration, here is a topless picture of homeslice from -- I'm assuming -- roughly 1991. B UNDID HIS OVERALLS FOR US. And I think I spy with my little eye a lil' airbrushing on them there pantalones. Bleh. I just 150% (Maury guest style) can't handle one bit of this. There is literally not one place I can comfortably rest my eyes on this photograph. Luckily, I took a picture of my reaction face to looking at this for the first time.
I apologize for my lack of "FACE" I'm giving in this, but this is real life in this b. Sorry, Icey, this is not cute.
Rihanna is coming out with a new album November 16th, called Unapologetic, which is a completely appropriate title. Why? She is selling a "deluxe" copy of the CD for effing $250! IN THIS ECONOMY?!? ( I really love saying that.) But seriously, that's friggin' insane. According to US Weekly, here's what you get for that quarter thou:
Described as a "limited edition art piece for a true collector," the
Diamonds Executive Platinum Box comes packed with super-exclusive
extras, including a handwritten personal note from the star and a
custom-made white-and-silver View-Master with a "vintage reel of
never-before-released 3-D images" of her style evolution. Fans who purchase the set will also get a T-shirt, a two-gigabyte
flash drive with Rihanna's photo on it, seven art-print lithographs,
seven laptop stickers, a poster, a 40-page book of notes and lyrics, a
20-minute DVD, and a special-edition vinyl record featuring remixes of
the hit "Diamonds."
Oh, you get a View-Master! Nevermind, ish is TOTALLY worth it. And she's going to write you a post-it note, or something. Enjoy, richie riches!
Hurricanes are a mutha effin' pain in the ass, aren't they? I've lived in FL my entire life, so trust, I know. And this Sandy trick is no joke. So all of you people in her path be careful, you hear me? Everytime I hear Hurricane Sandy, I picture this in my head:
For those of you that are under 30, you probably don't recognize this Sandy. This is Sandy Duncan, actress of the 80's and before, that I had always known to have a glass eye. It was a much talked about/fodder for annoying 80's comics kind of deal. WHICH I found out when researching just now (Shut up. I read ish sometimes.) ISN'T EVEN TRUE. She is blind in one eye, but that puppy is au naturale. I feel like my childhood was a lie.
I know Sandy Duncan from the show Valerie, which became the show Valorie's Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogans. Damn, that's a torrid show title history. But really, I remember the show because it starred Jason Bateman as one of the sons.
That's him, on the left.
When Jason Bateman's career had an initial resurgence a few years ago, I was like, "That's the dude from the show with the lady with the glass eye!"
Wow. The 80's were a helluva thing, weren't they?
P.S. You don't have to thank me for spending precious minutes of your life with this rambling, nonsensical mess. Sandy's (the hurricane) is a b face. I'm done.