RuPaul Just Rocked My Damn World With MAC's Viva Glam (The Original) Lipstick.

I really went to MAC the other day to just check out what the what was with that RiRi collection, and maybe to see what those Retro Matte 'sticks were all about. But when my ass was in there, one of the MAC girls told me about RuPaul's OG Viva Glam being back, and how IT WAS A MATTE BURGUNDY RED, and my ass was sold faster than fried pickles (to me). Even though I ALREADY have an effing red lip that I love. I'm such a dumb dumb sucker...for every damn thing.

mac viva glam, $15

But on the real, TELL ME THAT F*CKING COLOR ISN'T GORGEOUS. YOU'D BE A LIE.

via pandoraboxx

Oh, but that's not even all the good good, baby bubba. 

 

This sh*t lasts a crazy long time. Like, almost as long as the terrible one-ply toilet paper I bought at a convenience store three weeks ago. (Why won't it end? WHY?) My lips lasted through an entire shift at work, even through eating and drinking (I do a lot of that mess), with very little fading.

my typical work day, IN MY DREAMS.

PLUS, it's not drying, and doesn't get weird and pill-y like pretty much all the for real long wear lipsticks. It's pretty much perfection in a stick.

Thanks, Ru.



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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I take sh*t way, way back with 'Beauty Lessons From My 1980s Childhood Idols', featuring the likes of Billy Idol and Jem/boring ass Jerrica. See what it's all about here.




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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.

And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads

Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)

Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.

Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.

Get your own damn lazy on here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

Because my ass is full-on obsessed with Orange is the New Black, I made a weird Choose Your Own Adventure-style beauty game for you to live your beauty lives vicariously through your favorite ladies of OITNB. Figure out which one you are, and live your damn life accordingly. Check that sh*t here.



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If I Were an Octopus, These Are the 8 Beauty Products I'd Hold All the Time

There are a million beauty products out there, and I feel like I've tried at least 78% of them. And don't get me wrong, I love a lot of products, but these are my mandatory must-haves. I LOVE THESE BABY MOTHERS. I NEVER LET THEM GO.

#1 -- True Red Lipstick
 

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick in outlaw, $19 (sephora)

Please believe my ass when I tell you this -- nothing will take your facial area from "meh" to "cha-ching" like an amazing red lipstick. NOTHING. And this beaut is my hands-down ride or die b*tch. It stays on like a mofo, and it's matte. Which means, if you want it to be not-so-matte, you just put a creamy red lipstick over, and then IT STAYS AND ISN'T FLAT. Say somthin' now. 

#2 -- Eyeshadow Primer

urban decay eyeshadow primer potion, $20

Sometimes I feel like it's possible that I might die with the good word of UD's Primer Potion on my lips. Like, that's how f*cking much I talk about this stuff. But I literally could not wear a friggin' dot of eye makeup without it, so I press on. If you are oily, or have any issue with your eye makeup fading or shifting, and you don't use this sh*t, then I can't even with you anymore. GET THIS.

#3 -- Beige-y Blonde Brow Pencil for Any Hair Color

maybelline expert eyes twin brow & eye pencils in blonde, $2.39 (drugstore.com)

 Lemme tell you a little something about brow pencils, mmmkay? I don't give two effs what color your hair is, you need to use a blonde/ashy-colored brow pencil. Use the pencil to shape your brow, then fill it in with a brow powder (or even an eyeshadow, I don't give a damn) that somewhat matches your hair color. PLEASE don't use a black brow pencil because you have black hair. TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, GOT THE HORRIFIC PICTURES TO PROVE IT. DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU. Your face (and all the eyeballs of the world) will thank you.

#4 -- Gel/Cream Waterproof Eyeliner 

sephora waterproof smoky cream liner in matte black, $12

On the real, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT THIS SH*T for the lower lash waterline and in-between upper lashes? Short answer: I effing don't. I apply this with a thin eyeliner brush by wiggling it between my eyelashes, and it makes them look roughly 4095830% fuller. This is one of those makeup steps that if I skip it, people are all, "Why do you look so tired?" And I'm like, "Eff you," then I go put it on, because those dicks are right. Plus, it's the only thing that I've ever used that stays on my waterline. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands. P.S. If you do that, I will haunt you. And it won't be the old man from the amusement park, either.

#5 -- Body Oil

spectrum organic unrefined coconut oil, $9.99 (the vitamin shoppe)

I'm just not that into body lotion, you guys. It makes my ass (and arms and back and legs) feel filmy, and homie don't play that.

I like to use coconut oil, because it has one billion uses, so you super get your money's worth. But I also mix it with body lotion if I'm into that crap that day. (I'm a fickle b*tch.) I'm also not exclusive with coconut oil, either. (SLUT!) I'll really use any body oil that doesn't smell like babies. Even babies don't want to smell like babies.

#6 -- Gradual Tan Body Lotion

jergens glow foaming daily moisturizer in medium to tan, $8.69 (target)

I have a weird thing with being tan/being not tan. I really love pale skin, and I hate the sun (save for the whole "that b keeps us alive" thing), but sometimes I like tans on my legs, but not on my face.



And this ish is my boss b*tch for a few reasons -- it's not lotion-y (see above) or heavy, it dries fast, and you can control your level of bronze to a non-crazy level. (GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINA AGUILERA!) Oh, and it's like $10. GET ON MY SKIN.

#7 -- Black Liquid Liner

vs makeup graphic liner pen, $14 (victoria's secret)

What are your feelings on liquid eyeliner? Are you scared of that sh*t? Because your ass shouldn't be. I wear liquid liner pretty much every day, and that doesn't mean I'm Amy Winehouse-ing the hell out of myself on the reg. You can use it just like you would a pencil liner, including smudging it up before it dries. It's just bolder and lasts longer on my oily mess of a face. My favorite type is a fine felt-tipped pen like the VS one above that I'm currently using. It's waaay easier to control than one of those brush deals, and much better for lazies than that bullsh*t you have to dip in a well like you're penning a friggin' letter to Ponce de Leon in the 15th century.

#8 -- (Fullish) Powder Foundation

mac studio fix powder plus foundation, $27

 Hey, have you guys heard the sh*tty word that I'm oily as f*ck? Oh, yeah, I think I've mentioned it.

 

Ryan Gosling -- making eye rolling adorable since 1980. (Yes, I googled his birthday. Get off me.) Anyway, due to this extreme oily situation, I oftentimes need to use a powdered foundation for a couple of reasons. I initially use it as a primer, as in after moisturizer and before liquid foundation, just to set up a barrier between the oil factory that are my pores and more liquid particles. I also carry this boo thang in my purse for touch ups, because it's a little more substantial than some thin and flimsy powder. I've used it for years on years on years, and it's on my dream team.

Well, I'm fresh out of legs. (Tentacles? Testicles? All of the above?) What would your asses hold if you were an octopus? Oh, and let's get real. If I really were an octopus, this would totally be me.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, it's all about the muzzzaaak and the makeup in a little ditty that I like to call "Makeup Looks Inspired By Your Favorite Summer Jams." Check that ish out here.

Plus, ROBOTS.




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Deal O' The Day: Me & The Girls Beneficial Organic Beauty

I recently made a little demo video for the Bar Beleza from me & the girls, who also make my favorite lip treatment.



It's a pretty badass multi-use facial bar, and would be friggin' perfect for those of you who are low maintenance, normal to dry, or love natural products. Here are the ingredients, which are also 99% organic:

Theobroma Grandiflorum (Cupuacu Seed Butter)*, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa Butter)*, Calophyllum Inophyllum (Tamanu Oil)*, Organic Cocos Nucifera (Virgin Coconut Oil)*, Vitamin E - Tocopherol

You can normally snatch this mofo up for $40.

BUT TODAY ONLY (I'm pretending I'm in a local car commercial. Just let my ass.) you can use the coupon code JULY50 to get A 50% DISCOUNT. ON EFFIN ANYTHING. So go save that money, honey.

TODAY ONLY. TODAY. TODA. TOD. TO. T. Okay, I'm done. And I ran out of letters.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

 This week for Allure, it's all about not looking scary as hell with Beauty Tips to Stop You From Saying, "No, I'm Not a Zombie." If you wish, check that ish out here.




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THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE, So Let's Use Baby Products to Look Hot.

Hey, guys. Have you heard? THE ROYAL BABY WAS BORN YESTERDAY. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I mean, yaaaayyy, and everything, but what it really got me thinking...

"If babies are born, and you have to buy a lot of sh*t for them, can you then use that sh*t for beauty purposes?" - Low Rent Carrie Bradshaw

johnson's baby shampoo, $3.99 at target

Baby shampoo is kind of a boss b*tch, yo. You can use it for a ton of things. My favorite use is for cleaning makeup brushes. Because, well, those sh*ts are made from animal hair...and this is a shampoo. It's gentle, so it won't eff up your brushes, but it will still remove gross oils and makeup gunk.

Bonus: Another great use for this mess is an alternative to shaving cream, which I personally hate. Because baby shampoo is so mild, it won't strip or irritate your skin, and it provides lots of glide (heh) for the razor.

johnson's baby powder, $2.44 at target

Baby powder is like the super OG dry shamps. Back a million years ago when I looked like this:

I could not LIVE without baby powder. My hair was super fragile (effing obviously), so I tried to wash it less, and baby powder was my jammiest jam that's ever jammed. Plus, it's the cheapest dry shampoo that's ever sopped up hair oil. Bottom line, unless you have dark hair, you need this sh*t in your life for $2.

Bonus: You also use b. powds to but the kibosh on foot stank when you're wearing shoes without socks. Fresh to death in this b.

shea moisture organic raw shea butter baby oil rub, $10.29 at target

Full disclosure, here. I've never used this specific baby oil, BUT I'M TOTALLY BUYING IT ASAP. Because here's my baby oil deal -- I love that sh*t to use instead of a body lotion. BUT, I hate the smell, and I'm not fond of rubbing mineral oil all over my skin, because I don't even know what the eff it is. So both of those issues are solved with this baby oil, and I almost want to have a baby so it's not weird for me to buy the ish out of this stuff.

Bonus: Baby oil is also great for removing pain in the ass eye makeup. Just swipe it on with a cotton ball, then follow up by washing your face like normal.

Look out, ROYAL BABY, because we're coming for your damn beauty products.

Hide yo' powders, hide yo' 'poos. But not your POOS poos. We don't want those, Josie Grossie.



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