Pop Culture Beauty School: Lips Inspired By Your Favorite Pop Music Videos

It should come as no surprise that I basically base all my life choices on pop culture.

What should I eat for dinner? Chinese takeout, care of SATC's Miranda Hobbes. What should I watch right now? Reruns of Malibu Country, courtesy of Heather/Gretchen/Alexis on Real Housewives of Orange County. What should I NOT do with my life? Murder people, thanks to every episode of every show I've seen at least thirty-seven times on Discovery ID, or Investigation Discovery. (Side note: WHAT IS THE OFFICIAL NAME OF THIS CHANNEL? I watch it 90% of my life, and it's still unclear to me.)

Then, naturally, the lipstick I wear is based directly upon what the eff I'm listening to. Here's a cosmetic-filled road map to it all.

Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love

This is probably the most obvious link between lips and music videos that ever existed. "Addicted to Love" is basically a lipstick-and-legs commercial, with a dash of LA Looks hair gel thrown into the mix. X-TREME hold.

If this video doesn't make your heart skip several beats over that bold-ass red lip, you can take your not-scarlet-y lips have several seats.

This ColourPop Lippie Sitx in Bichette ($5, ColourPop) is almost a match made in classic-red-lipped heaven with this Robert Palmer jam. Just with a smidge less shine. Might as well face it, this lipstick is the shit. And it costs $5.

Aqua - Barbie Girl

Okay, okay, this song and video are more annoying than watching episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and then Coach with your dad, but the '90s were annoying. They just were.

Similarly, this NYX Cosmetics Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5.99, Ulta) is annoyingly bright, but in the most complementary sense of the word. Plus, it's pretty much the exact shade of pink (with a touch lilac) as the convertible in the video. Hate the song, not the lip, H8RZ.

Britney Spears - Oops!...I Did It Again

Other than Brit's acting chops (AKA "the old lady dropping it into the ocean at the end"), this video lived and died with that red pleather jumpsuit.

This tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in natural beauty ($19, tarte) is the reddest and glossiest thing I have in my lip arsenal, but I still don't think it does Britney's getup the SHINE and RED justice it truly deserves. Awww, you shouldn't have...OOPS, I...Maybe next time.

Alanis Morrisette - Thank U

"Thank U" is no "You Oughta Know," because there can never be enough songs about allegedly fellating Dave Coulier in a movie theater, but it's the most naked music video that came to mind.

Nude lipstick is notoriously difficult, because everyone has a different skin tone and desired level of opaque-ness, but this NYX Cosmetics Soft Matte Lip Cream in London ($5.99, Ulta) is a beige-y dream in a tube. It's like an impenetrable pair of L'eggs hosiery: all vaguely tan with zero shine. But, you know, sexy.

UB40 - Red Red Wine

Real talk -- I hate this GD song -- I really just wanted to talk about the magic of this kind-of-lipstick lipstick.

If you've ever wanted the color of a wined-out lip stain, but the moisture of a lip chap, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (Clinique, $17) will be your all-marshmallow box o' Lucky Charms. It's the perfect blackberry jam lite color, and if I wasn't disgusted by the word creamy, I would almost say it's creamy (BLEH BLEH BLEH). It's gel-y? Jelly? I don't know; it's fantastic.

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This Man Is Your Life Inspo Set To Music

Is this your favorite use of green screen in the history of technology? Why am I even asking, of course it is. Stick it up your ass, Great Gatsby (the movie), there's a new green screen cowboy in green screen town.

This is TV John, and he's your new boyfriend. He also needs someone to turn his vocals way up. And because you are now borderline obsessed with TV John and TV John's life, here is TV John's cable access TV show. Thank you for existing, Reddit, just for finding rare and majestic gems like TV John.

What do you think TV John is doing right now? Maybe he's shopping on Amazon Prime for tube socks.

Or picking up a few new tops at Tommy Bahama.

Or just flying and shit.

TV John for president! (Of your dad's book club.)



via reddit Pin It

Miley Cyrus' New Music Video Is Grossing Me The Eff Out

Miley, what's good? Not this.

I don't even really HATE hate the song -- I can deal-ish with it. What I can't handle is the actual visuals of the video, where Destiny Hope Cyrus dumps a bunch of different shit all over her face and then spits it out. Sometimes it's in slo-mo, sometimes it reversed, but it's gross all the ways.

I don't want to see your tonsils, homie. With or without milk coating them.

 
And is glitter even safe to have all up in your mouth like that? I can't think about it anymore. I'm getting nauseated and I need a major palate cleanser.

Okay, that should be sufficient. Sweet dreams.




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Lazy Blogging: Girl Group Beauty

#tbt to I hate myself

A video posted by Shannon Ray (Gloss And Dirt) (@glossanddirt) on Aug 28, 2014 at 11:00am PDT

I have a thing for girl groups, as evidenced by my atrocious karaoke-ing session. RIP your ears.

Recover your sensibilities by reading this slideshow I wrote for Allure on the most amazing moment in musical girl group beauty. Check it here, if you wish, Buttercup.









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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

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Your New Ringtone: "Bubblegum," The Weekend Jam Of Your Dreams

Are you v, v into bubblegum? That's a promising start. What's your particular poison? Straw-bury? Cola? Or are you not super picky, and are just more concerned with "poping" bubbles on the street?

Regardless of your preferences, this 2010-Bieber-haired youngster has you covered.

Maybe I'm just an old, but I don't really understand what this song it all about. "Don't eat me, or I might get stuck," this young boy croons, with legs akimbo and stationary arms. So he is the metaphorical bubblegum? Okay. Is this all a weird metaphor? What is life?

Then we have this sweet little barrette-d child (Roseanne, I presume?), who is all:

"I crave the gum, it makes me feel alive." Uh, what? Is this a Hunter S. Thompson book or a kids' music video? She then holds up a finger gun. This shit is getting dark.

Kids today, I don't understand you.

I need a Saltine, a Werther's, and a nap.




via reddit

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The Britney Spears "Pretty Girls" Music Video Is Here (Oh, and Wiggy Gardenia Is In It, Too)

Okay, so Wiggy Gardenia is actually my dog's stage name. Iggy Azalea is the one on this track, but I think Wiggy would have been a solid choice. Plus, she has a better acting range than Iggs.

We need to get real about this video. Brit Brit's weave situation changes THREE TIMES without so much as one outfit switch. Who in eff's sake was wig wrangling on this set? (My money is on either Jayden James or Daddy Spears.)

P.S. If that shot on the left isn't the cover of a late-'90s porn video, I know nothing about anything. 

I'm actually kind of into the Earth Girls are Easy vibe of the whole thing, but JESUS GOD, what are these speaking parts? No one should be talking in this shit. No one. Not even you, lavender lipstick and earrings/bang deal girl. No one.

But especially not Iggy. Her whole, "I can turteelaaay fux it fur yeeeeew," and also the, "Laht me call yewr fran," made my brain quit this bitch and fall out of my ear hole. I first typed whole, so you know that it's true. She sounds like a German person doing an impression of an Australian person doing a Valley Girl accent.

On a positive note, at least Brit was excited for her alien abduction.

Take me, too, aliens. Take me, too.

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Sorry Beyoncé (And Tina And The Dad), Solange Is The Best Knowles

Solange and Julez NO FLEX ZONE from Charlotte Hornsby on Vimeo.

I'mma let you finish Beyoncé (no, I'm not), but Solange is the best Knowles of all time. I know that you may want to fight me on this. Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you only know SK from that elevator shit. BUT SHE IS THE BEST.

If you don't believe me, check out this video of Solange performing a choreographed dance with her adorable son Julez at her wedding this weekend. Don't act like you aren't putting that dress on your Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus list this year.

And if that dress isn't bomb enough for you, SHE WORE MULTIPLE CAPES for her wedding festivities. Not to mention her double golden cuffs and hair perfection. Finding Yoncé in those pictures is almost like trying to find a hidden whatever in a Highlights magazine. All eyes on Solange.

Oh, and this:

I rest my case, your honor.



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The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On

I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.

When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).

ass song via reddit

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Oh, Hell Naw News Of The Day: Ariana Grande Is Remaking "The Boy Is Mine"

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:02am PST

This is the face of a person that thinks that they are above the Brandy/Monica laws of nature. I think not, ponytail! Ariana Grande and Jessie J ARE REMAKING "THE BOY IS MINE" AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.



Ariana Grande is one of those people that seems to be just a general annoyance to me. I don't know what it is, I really have nothing to base these feelings upon, it's just a thing. Like an orange. It's just something that exists.

But this has crossed the MF-ing line into something that is personal to me. "The Boy Is Mine" is one of my songs. It came out in 1998, which was my junior year of high school. (Save the comments for your mom-ments, I don't want to hear about my elderly nature.) My friend Jodell and I learned all of the lyrics, and would play each part (I think I was Monica) and sing our faces off, long-ass acrylic nails waving in the air while we drove around in her teal Eagle something-or-other. (RIP Eagle something-or-others.) Here's a visual, so you can imagine me during that era:

Try not to jump off the nearest bridge in a fit of jealousy. You can clearly see why I don't want this time in my life tarnished by the likes of an Ariana Grande and her clip-on ponytail. Has Ariana Grande ever worn a Contempo Casuals sheer button-up top while driving around in her Honda Civic that she worked overtime hours for so she could get the gold accessories package? I think not. Homie didn't even live in a time before flat irons. I mean, look at my hair in that picture. Those are hardships.

I DO NOT co-sign this tom foolery. Leave the OGs to their OG-ing, Grande.


via vulture/my friend Kelly with the tip-off


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If You Can't Get Too Many Cooks Out Of Your Head, Here's Your Antidote

This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.

And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.

I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.

P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.

P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.

P.P.P.S. If you don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, get on everyone's level.


via reddit


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Fire Up The Karaoke Machine, Here's Your New Anthem

So the actual lyrics for this song are NSFW like woah, but feel free to bump this loud and proud at any and all locations, because no one will even know that dude is saying eff 3485928340kjafldskj times. I mean, when the vocals get layered at 1:44, every other singer in the world can take one billion seats, because it's all just too perfect. Andrew Lee has the voice of an angel, if angels sang by sucking their voices back into their bodies.

And you can't ask for better background visuals than these. Frogs? Check. Soccer ball? Done. Andrew Lee on Andrew Lee? Obvs. A cat in an Admiral's outfit? Doy. Friends credits? Don't be basic -- of course.

If you're in the market for something a little more groovy that you can really dance to, you're in luck. Welcome to "Body Heat," where the going always gets hot.



Are the kids clipping pens into their unruly, yet luxurious, bangs and jamming in front of ironing boards now? Is that the hot new trend? I'm so MF-ing glad that YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager/young adult/whatever age is happening here. Thank you, technology gods.

Fireworks and champagne all around for being an old bitch.




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WTF Music Monday: International Edition

Here we are again, mofos. It's Monday, and we all hate our lives. But don't worry that pretty little noggin, I'm here to jump start the week in the very best way that I know how -- with awesomely shitty music.

First up, is a jam from Eastern Europe. Watch the video and we'll discuss afterward. (P.S. I'll high five the shit out of you if you can make it all the way through this one.)



What was that? It's like the Russian (???) version of "Gangnam Style, " with extra highlighting eyeshadow. And bedazzled headbands as sunglasses. And chandelier accoutrements as headbands.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but whoever told homie that licking that lollypop like that was cute was a damned liar. That person is not your friend. Add the d-bag that sold you those Paris Hilton colored contacts to the list of your non-friends, too.

This isn't even the end of the fun(ish) times today, you guys. I also found this adorably mustachioed Indian man auto-tuning his little heart out in this piece of musical perfection.



I MF-ing love this song. I like to imagine that it's this dude's take on Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," but with extra EXTRA sound effects and air drums. The lyrics are more magical than a gif of a kitten riding a unicorn, which I couldn't find, but I did find this:

Let's just flesh out some of the amazingness of this man's words:

• It's my life, whom I want to leave oooo....oooo....oooo
• A friend of mine said I'm a waste fellow, he don't know the taste of this fellow.
• I always search for good in bad, I also search for bad in good. I am a very good bad boy.
• I am a brain eater...
• I am a smart cheater...
• I am a back bencher...
• I am a kids lover...
• I am very anger...I know it's very danger

You could really put any of those quotes on a watercolor background and have a hell of an inspirational Instagram post.

The moral of the story? "If you don't like anyone, live alone." And also, "Don't believe me...I am a true lier." Annnnnd scene.

Yep, pretty much. Happy Monday!

via reddit's "crappy music"


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List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.

Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.

Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.

**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


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Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem

Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.

But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.

Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Mug Makeover: Gwen Stefani Edition

The other day I was reading this article over at Refinery29, and came across this bomb picture of Gwen Stefani. It was like watching Jonathan Brandis (RIP) in Ladybugs** -- I fell in love all over again. GS is usually looking consistently fly, so it's not like I expected anything different from her ass, but I feel like this makeup look is slightly different from her regular deal and I wanted that shit on my face immediately.

pic via refinery29

I've recreated it below in a few easy steps, so read on, reader, if you want Gwennie's glorious face on your face. (Without getting all Buffalo Bill-y and illegal.)

P.S. I would (almost but not quite) literally kill for that kimono.

I started with the eyes, which are really pretty simple and low key, with a touch of shimmer. (But NOT glitter, the nemesis of soul windows everywhere.) I'm using the Lorac Starry-Eyed Baked Eye Shadow Trio in Pro Star, which I can't friggin' find anywhere, but this Superstar palette ($27) is super-similar.

Start by applying a shimmery brown shadow from the crease to the lash line.

Follow up by using a light bronze-y eyeshadow in the crease and also on the bottom lash line.

Next apply some black liner on the upper lash line only. I'm pretty ride-or-die liquid liner in this situation, but live your life and use whatever eyeliner you like. I used the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er Precision Pen Waterproof Eyeliner ($30) because I LOVE THAT SHIT.

Finish off with a powerful mascara, because Gwen's lashes be bangin' in this face case. I'm using Rimmel Scandaleyes Rockin' Curves Mascara ($6.99), that CVS Beauty Club so kindly sent me to sample, along with the Rimmel lipstick that I use in a hot minute. The mascara is actually pretty boss. It makes my lashes seem as long as a Real Housewives Reunion show, parts one through seven, but 309485% less boring.

For lips, I started by lining with MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Lip Waterproof Lipliner Pencil in Bright Baby Pink ($19), because it's just what I happened to have lying around. Once again, use what you wish, but definitely use a liner with a bright lip like this to prevent that rude bitch, lipstick feathering.

The last step is to throw on a bright reddish-pink lipstick, like Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in As You Want Victoria ($6.99). I really enjoy the shade of this 'stick, but I had to get used to the moisturizing aspect. I'm usually more of a matte lip kind of mofo, so I had to do some reapplying as the hours ticked by. But the formula feels like a dream, so it's worth the extra seconds of reapply time.

That's it, here's the finished product. I might not look as much like a flawless creamy-skinned elf as Gwen, but I'm completely into this face.

What do you guys think? Are you into Mizz Gwen's look? You don't even know how hard I had to fight against making a "Hella Good" reference here, so tell your brains "you're welcome" for the reprieve from my typical terrible puns.

** I used to carry around a folded-up pictures of Jonathan Brandis in my pocket in Elementary school. I was an avid reader of Tiger Beat, Big Bopper, et al, and I would rip out pictures of JB and carry them until they pretty much deteriorated into ransom-letter-like scraps.



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Let's "No Thanks," All Over Robin Thicke's New Video For "Get Her Back"

Robin Thicke's first ballad from his album, which is an ode to his estranged wife Paula Patton, is out. And it's a doozy. The song, creatively titled "Get Her Back," is pretty much the musical version of an annoying letter written on the back of a 9th grade Biology syllabus from your "boyfriend" that you broke up with over square cafeteria pizza.

This whole thing is weird to me. I really don't give any effs what people want to do in their personal lives, much less the boundaries of their marriages or whatever boringness, but if your wife has had just about enough of your bullshit, I really doubt that this mess is helping the situation. At all.

I have a hard time believing that PP saw this video and was all, "Oh, you're sharing our personal (or pseudo-personal) text conversations with blood and/or lipstick smeared on your face, while screaming silently into a watery oblivion? Let's get back together!"

You better start using those tears for lube, bro, because I think that this whole deal is going nowhere fast.




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Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For

So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs

P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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TGIMF(Almost)F! Let's Get Down With This Jam.

Sometimes you just have to jam the eff out, because it's (soon to be) Friday night and you feel alright. So you put on your super-slimming, black Mandarin collared shit shirt, fluff your hair bang wave and hit the town in downtown(ish) Minneapolis, or wherever. Major. Nothing says Friday night jam sesh like everything that happens after 1:11 in this video.

I would polish this dude's Napoleon Dynamite spectacles all night long. Take me away to Oasis Karaoke, mofos!

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