Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For

So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs

P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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Cops Are Looking For St. Patrick's Day Freak-A-Leeks That Were Doing The Deed Behind A Dunkin' Donuts Dumpster

photo via uproxx

Now that this year's St. Paddy's day is in the history books, we can all sit and ruminate on our regrets of the holiday. What happened? What did you do? NEVERMIND, DON'T TELL ME, BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY DOESN'T INVOLVE DOING SHIT BEHIND A FAST FOOD DUMPSTER, SO WHO EVEN CARES?

Uproxx has given us a modern-day love story about how the poe-lease are looking for this sexually sophisticated (who am I to judge) couple that were caught getting dumpster crunk on numerous Instagram accounts (and videos, which I didn't want to post, because there's, like, .4 seconds of a possible front 'gine shot, and your workplace might lightly frown upon that). I covered the faces of these two romantics, on the off chance that this is one of your freaky ass asses. If so, kudos.

That's probably the most interesting thing that ever happened to someone wearing a pair of (hopefully pleated) Old Navy khakis.

Oh, and maybe turn yourself in. Being on the lam is probably a major life c-block. Plus, you'll need to put this on your resume, and no one will believe it's legit if your criminal records don't match up.




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Karate Moves So Sweet That They Can Demolish Buildings (Set to Faux Backstreet Boys Tunes)

You guys, coochie cutters can really bring the heat, when necessary, because this dude is straight killin' it with his kuh-rat-tay. Here's the apparent story behind this hot damn mess (via YouTube):

So here's the story... For those of you from Southern Ontario, it's likely that you went to Canada's Wonderland in Toronto during the late 90's/early 2000's in the Summertime. I have very fond memories of the roller coasters, waterpark and food at the amusement park. One year, I went with some friends and we came across the new video karaoke; essentially, you pay them some money and they create a blue screen video of you and your friends singing a song. They would broadcast the song, including the videos of whoever was singing at the time, on the outside of the building.They had all the hits at the time, including a number of songs by the Backstreet Boys. While I never had the guts to go in and sing something, we happened to be outside the place when this guy went in for his solo. The park staff were stunned, and my friends and I were on the ground crying with laughter! Needless to say, I wanted this video, and the staff were kind enough to oblige. I spent the rest of my spending money for the day on the VHS copy of his performance, and to this day, I still consider it money well spent. It's been hiding in a box in my basement for years, and today, I converted it to digital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you WTF Backstreet's Back. Enjoy!

Dammit, if time machines ever get invented, I'm setting it to 1999 so I can totally creep on this Danielson.

Werk that locker key, boo.



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Tanning Mom Is Bringing You Your New Favorite Club Banger (Nope. She's Totally Not.)

I know, you guys. I'm effing writing about Tanning Mom AGAIN, like a b*tch. But when you come across some straight effery like this right here, it really can't be ignored.

TMZ once again has the good good (or the bad bad) on ol' Patty Krentcil, and has released this clip from her song that will be released tomorrow. Honey child has the voice of an angel this lady. And those lyrics are effing flawless. So set the ish out of your alarm clocks tonight so you can buy this song first thing in the morning, and you can rock out with your SMOCK out all day tomorrow.

practical AND shapeless

I'm sure you hate me for bringing this nonsense song into your life and ear holes, but at least we know that TM kind of hates birds? (Or something?)

Okay, okay, I'm leaving. You can bill me for that extra Cinco marg that you'll have to have to erase this sh*t from your brain. (No, you can't.)




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Oh, Sh*t. GUUUUUURL of the LIFETIME, You Guys: This Guy.

Bill Dollear, just effing marry me, you son of a b. I have seriously NEVER laughed so hard at someone's lofty, broken ass dreams as I did just now. I am truly a heartless, cold b*tch, but this ish is hilarious. Sorry, Bill -- call me. You can hang your tarp in my garage/car port/rec room whenever you want. Oh, and I'm pregnant.

P.S. WHO THE EFF IS REPRESENTING THIS PERSON? HOW DOES THIS EXIST???

via reddit

UPDATE: If you can't get enough, and you are wearing Depends adult diapers and have some eye drops handy, please watch Gary Murphy. (B doesn't blink ONCE. Like, ever.) Oh, and language is NSFW on this one, because GARY IS A BOSS.



Okay, I'm done. I think I can be an actor.




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I Have a New Boyfriend, You Guys!

(Minus all that sports mess.)

Don't worry, cockroach weatherman, you're still my main man.

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